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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Inlaws...

27 replies

Blueberryface · 23/05/2022 15:30

Most women I know roll their eyes at having to do things with in laws.. including me.
Why do we do this, does it feel like a chore ?

OP posts:
OuttaBabylon · 23/05/2022 15:44

Same here. Was invited to church this weekend. We don't go to church and now I risk opening this can of worms. We just don't have that much in common and that makes it feel like a chore.

Solosunrise · 23/05/2022 15:47

Yes, often it does. I know some people see 'family' as extremely important, including extended family.
But often in laws are not people we'd otherwise choose as friends, so there is an element of duty in our interactions.

Finalcountdowntoourtripaway · 23/05/2022 15:47

Not seen mine for over 7 years. Blissful.

TheOriginalClownfish · 23/05/2022 15:48

I've great in laws so I like hanging out with them.

But then, hanging out with them is always optional and no offence taken if you are otherwise occupied.

My family on the other hand...

Pettypettypatty · 23/05/2022 15:48

Can't stand any of my in laws and only barely talk to a couple of them. DH is on the same page as me which helps.

Eightiesfan · 23/05/2022 17:02

I’m being dragged to IL over half-term. I normally say two nights is my maximum, but as we had our last visit cut short due to both of them testing positive for C-19 the day after we arrived, we now seem to be staying for four nights. I know as the time draws nearer, I’m going to get snappy with DP.

My go-to excuse to stay home is to decorate, which is easier if the kids are not about, so I might try that!

ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp · 23/05/2022 17:15

My fil is so so so boring. He just sits about. Overstays his welcome. Says very little. Doesn't want to do anything apart from stare at his iPad. He complains about even going for a walk when he's here. He's always been like this. I hate it when he comes to stay. I think it's really rude to visit and bring nothing to the table in terms of chat etc.

His wife is lively and active but she just brings everything back to herself and her gcs.

KangarooKenny · 23/05/2022 17:16

I always feel like I can’t be myself with them, like they’re looking for something to criticise me for.

pussycatlickinglollyices · 23/05/2022 17:22

I married a man with no family (his mum and bro died years earlier and he hadn't seen his dad since he was a kid - assumed dead, he'd be nearly 100 now).
DH, however, had to put up with my batshit family for a decade.
🤦‍♀️

pussycatlickinglollyices · 23/05/2022 17:26

@Eightiesfan get the tester pots and wallpaper samples ready. 🤞

Eightiesfan · 23/05/2022 17:29

pussycatlickinglollyices · 23/05/2022 17:26

@Eightiesfan get the tester pots and wallpaper samples ready. 🤞

Clicking on diy.com right now!

Coachwork · 23/05/2022 17:37

It wouldn't be a chore if she wasn't such a control freak. Everything, and I mean absolutely every detail, has to be her way.
I let her change my wedding completely and hated every moment of it but I was young and naive. If I'd known better I think I'd have run then.
I've been married almost thirty years and rarely see her now, even though she lives ten minutes away. DC worked her out a long time ago and joke about her being the oldest drama queen in the village.
She hasn't changed. She recently ruined my suprise Birthday party by telling me about it the day before. On the day of the party guests were told to arrive by a certain time (the majority didn't know I knew about it.) I joked that I bet she'd try to upstage me, low and behold she arrived half an hour later than me with some dramatic (lie) story about an accident on the road...a road most guests had driven to get there on time.
DH goes alone now, I'm past caring.

Kite22 · 23/05/2022 17:52

I think it is the obligation aspect. The fact you feel you "ought to" spend time with them rather than them necessarily being people you would "choose to" spend your free time with.
But then that often applies to people's own families too, not just their in-laws. Or anyone there is an obligation to spend time with - there is, for example a lot of strong feeling on MN about not wanting to ever go out anywhere with work colleagues.
It think it is about "being expected to" do something and not feeling you have "chosen" to do something.

DogsAndGin · 23/05/2022 18:09

You give them an inch they take a mile. I’ve been roped into seeing mine every weekend for the last 4 weeks! It’s way too much, and leads to resentment to spend too much time with anyone. But especially inlaws, who can be judgemental, snobbish, give unsolicited advice and act as though they know your DH better than you do.

Borisblondboufant · 23/05/2022 18:22

I suppose if you get on with them or have things in common it’s not a chore.
FIL was just hard work, not unkind, he was childish and wasn’t very interesting to talk to. MIL was miserable, complained about everything, never wanted to do anything ever and criticised literally every single thing I ever did. Yes it was a chore.

VinylCafe · 23/05/2022 18:56

TheOriginalClownfish · 23/05/2022 15:48

I've great in laws so I like hanging out with them.

But then, hanging out with them is always optional and no offence taken if you are otherwise occupied.

My family on the other hand...

I'm the same as you. I liked my in-laws (rip FIL and MIL, I miss you every day) but can't stand to be in the same building as my family, let alone the same room.

StandByYourBam · 23/05/2022 18:59

Depends on the inlaw.

my ex’s parents were absolute gems and I was far sadder at it ending with them than him. I truly loved them as my own.

My current mil is a narcissistic cow. My step mil is a wonderful woman sadly in the throws of quite severe and rapid onset dementia and doesn’t remember me at all. My sil is in the bad books too.

showmethegin · 23/05/2022 19:11

My in laws are fab. I really like them as a people and enjoy spending time with them. However we are fundamentally quite different and we have different attitudes to life. We're planning our wedding at the moment and I am finding it quite hard to be diplomatic sometimes when they give me their 'opinions'.

My MIL is a total gem and is hyper aware of overstepping but FIL has a tendency to steamroll you, but he does that to everyone, it isn't mean or personal.

I think the relationship can be challenging as you are expected to revere them like your own parents while they treat you as one of their own children when you aren't.

CorpusCallosum · 23/05/2022 20:17

I've wondered this too, why is it so often such a fraught relationship between people with their in laws. Mine are fundamentally kind people who have been very generous and who clearly have a huge amount of love to give DH and our DCs... I couldn't ask for more right?!

So why is more than a couple of hours in their company so bloody challenging?!... because their gifts come with strings, they ignore that I am the major parenting player while glorifying DHs 'efforts', they steamroll the DCs into playing on GPs terms and want the baby to stop crying not so he's happy but only to take a f*ing photo. TBF they will have a long list of complaints about me as a DIL but I have given up behaving myself as it's never good enough!

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 23/05/2022 20:26

Definitely the obligation angle for me. And the overstaying their welcome slightly too. But that goes for all visiting family. It just that it affects DH's family members more as they live further away and tend to visit for longer periods of time so the visits are full on.

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 23/05/2022 20:29

I'd love them to live closer so we could do overnight visits instead of the week long ones we currently do. Its just too long of sleeping on a crappy bed and having very little privacy!

cptartapp · 23/05/2022 20:30

Because they favour SIL and her DC and have done for years. Financially and otherwise. DH overlooks it because they're his parents. I've been resentful on his behalf for years. All nice on the surface, but they showed their true colours years ago.
And my DP died young. So double resentment.

justamushypea · 23/05/2022 20:43

I don't dislike them but they are nothing like my parents. MIL is so negative and constantly moans about everything. She's quite opinionated and bigoted too.
FIL is lovely but totally henpecked and just keeps his mouth shut for a quiet life.
SIL is domineering and overbearing and everyone ignores the fact that BIL is a functioning alcoholic.
Small doses is the key!!

AliasGrape · 23/05/2022 20:50

Mine are nice, kind people who mean well.

They are also very very set in their ways, old before their time and they talk about the same things and tell the same stories over and over again.

DH can definitely revert to bratty teenage attitudes around them too, which is pretty unattractive in a man in his 40s.

I also hate how they bang on about them being old and how there’s no point doing basically anything ‘at their age’. My mum died 10 years ago, though she was closer to the age that they are now when she died and she was a bloody inspiration, still busy, active, fun, engaged with life despite having been dealt a much harder hand than either of my in laws so far. She’d have loved to still be here, meet DD, still grabbing life by both hands. I find their desire to act like poor, elderly invalids despite actually being very well off and in good health really bloody frustrating.

I wouldn’t say it’s a chore to spend time with them, but it’s not exactly relaxing either. I am grateful to them for a lot, and DD adores them which is important to me.

HazelBite · 23/05/2022 21:18

This is a very depressing thread I thought I was an okay MIL but after reading this, I am now wondering what my DIL thinks of me🙁

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