Moving house and grown up daughter!

[Whyiseverythingsodifficult]

Need some advice!
My husband and I are planning on moving within a radius of approximately 15 miles from where we live as we plan to downsize and buy a small plot of land.
Always dreamed of doing this.
We have had an amazing offer on our house, a bit earlier than planned, but in some ways its too good an opportunity to miss. We plan to retire in a few years.
We agreed to the sale.
However, my 30 year old daughter lives round the corner on her own.
It took a look of persuading from us to get her to leave home and buy a property for herself - 2 miles away.
She didn't want to leave home, lots of tears, I nearly had a nervous breakdown.
I couldn't cope with her living at home anymore, messy, lazy, etc, etc. She doesn't want us to move and even said that her friends parents "still live not far away from them"!!! She hasnt got a brilliant social life and still relies on us all the time to entertain her! I feel I have failed as a parent and I have been horrible/doing something horrible.
Should I stay or move?
Am I in the wrong here?

Move! It's not that far is it and hopefully it will encourage more independence for your daughter. If she wanted to move abroad or further away you'd not stop her so why the other way round?

@swedex Thank you. She hasn't been easy all her life. It just makes me feel that I am being horrible. We have been there for her, giving her every opportunity she wants, supporting through university etc etc.

@Whyiseverythingsodifficult

You and your husband should absolutely go ahead with what you want to do. It's not as though you were both moving 500 miles away - 15 miles is still quite close. Your pre-retirement plan sounds good for you and your daughter really needs to make adult plans if her own.

Good luck with the sale and purchase. 🌹

It isn't that far away. Does your daughter drive? Honestly though, unless you're missing out a backstory of SN or MH, you can't allow your decisions to be affected by her to this extent. If it comes to it, she always has the option of moving closer to you, but you really do need to do what's right for you.

@LindaEllen No backstory as such. She really struggled with Covid and is like me - bit anxious about everything. She is a professional woman with a good job and yes she drives!

Move. She drives surely she can drive and see you? 15 miles isn't even half hour drive?

Then she will adjust to this new level of adulting, won't she? She has little choice and you really can't put your life on hold to make her feel more comfortable.

Enjoy your new home!

You’ll be what, 20 mins drive away? Of course you can move! She’ll be fine. Change is scary to some people but it becomes the new normal soon enough.

@anotherNCsorryfolks My thoughts exactly! Its made me doubt moving and even that I am being unreasonable to even think it!

She's 30! About time she stood on her own two feet

Jeez, move and let her grow up a bit! Only a couple of generations ago, people married, bought a house and had kids in their late teens/early 20's.
Stop feeling guilty, she can adult enough to have a good job, so she can adult enough to live independently!

Honestly if you don't she'll still be relying on you in her 50s/60s. It's unhealthy at 30 she's dependent on you so much.

Thanks all. I agree with all your comments but I just needed a bit of reassurance that I'm not an ogre!!

I was married with 2 children and a mortgage at 24 so I know I am being ridiculous to pander to it!

It's always nice to have everything on your doorstep, but at 30 she should not expect you to stay for her sake. Especially since you are only moving a few miles away. If she is really that upset about it, I guess she can move nearer to you if she wanted to.

It slinds as though your daughter doesn't find life easy in some ways but the solution for this lies with her seeking strategies/support to expand her horizons and build her confidence - falling back on mum and dad is no alternative, it can only be a supplement.

The solution is definitely not for you to not move a few miles when you want to do so.

You could support her a lot more effectively by encouraging her to overcome her anxiety and "small-lifedness", than by just being her default life.

she is 30!? oh my.. MOVE!!

If my parents told me they were moving even 500 miles away i would wish them well and plan visits to suit THEM

shes 30, live your life, not through her!

she needs to grow up and find her way in life

@ValerieDoonican You have hit the head exactly on the head what she is like 100%. I suppose I feel guilty that she is like this because its something I have done whilst she was growing up. All her friends have partners/boyfriends and she hasn't so I even feel guilty about that! "Small-lifedness" sums her up exactly.

Whether or not it is something you and your DH "did" while she was growing up is completely beside the point. Not moving, especially now that you have said you want to, will not help her, it might even entrench her belief that you are her life.

You may be able to help her help herself, you may not. But the "help" is nothing to do with your respective addresses. It's all to do with her wishes for what she wants out of life and what tools she gets hold of, and uses, for getting there.

Fifteen miles! Bloody hell.

Reminds me of someone I spoke to a few months back who was devastated at her mum 'moving away' after living on the next street to one another. I asked how far she was moving, it was a ten minute walk away. Bonkers.

My dad moved 2hr away because they wanted to plan for the future and it was a lovely area/had properties that were right for them etc., I was so happy for him and supportive. Your responsibility to her ended when she turned eighteen, I can understand a late teen being a bit upset about the idea but she's thirty with her own home, job, and a car. She is a fully grown adult. You'd be enabling her refusal to grow up and take some personal responsibility for herself if you didn't move where you wanted to because of a fear of upsetting a thirty year old.

Move! 15 miles is on the doorstep anyway, but you need to have your own life - as does she.

Definitely move

Move - just move!!

15 miles? That’s hardly emigrating to Australia, is it?

It’s not far and she’ll have to make more of an effort to visit - and as a bonus it won’t feel like ‘her’ home anymore - another push for her to be independent!

Does she socialize much?

Just move. She doesn't sound like an adult.