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Original poster

Old, old schoolfriend back in touch...

73 replies

Joyfuldays · 23/05/2022 01:06

I can't believe I'm typing this. We were at school together until A levels. Boys weren't really on my radar at that stage & we just saw each other around.

All these years on, nearly 50 years of age, he saw me on social media and texted me. Gave me his number. We had a couple of video calls. Many things in common, I never knew. He's back in our home town. I moved away, got married, had children, divorced. I developed a career, and eerily he is also in the same line of work. I am divorced now. He never married, never had kids.

I'm shocked at the connection. I think he likes me "like that". The texts have been a bit flirty, but we are both shy! He has grown up to be a wonderful man, caring and loving. But am I imagining things? He suggested he drive to see me, and we can have dinner. He rings me nearly every day. It's been about 3 weeks. What if I am imagining things?

Has anyone ever had a thing with a school friend, after many years? It feels a bit strange!

OP posts:
StrangeCondition · 23/05/2022 10:00

What does between homes and kind of between jobs mean? Massive red flags here

StrangeCondition · 23/05/2022 10:02

Cross posts with Hollowtalk there

Scabbyknackers · 23/05/2022 10:08

Definitely keep your eyes open but go for dinner! If he sounds a bit in between things and you're very settled then protect your interests as in watch out for hints asking to move in when his mum is better, not paying his way on dates etc. But don't let that stop you from giving him a chance

GettingItOutThere · 23/05/2022 10:09

does he still live with his parents??

big big red flag if he does ^^

sounds likvely OP but just take it slowly and watch out. Love bombing and hes looking for a vulnerable lady to move in with and take care of him
or he might actually be genuine but im always on my guard! been hurt too many times
good luck!

CorpseReviver · 23/05/2022 10:11

100% I would not get involved with a man of his age who had never been married/long-term cohabited with a partner.

seensome · 23/05/2022 10:13

Never married, never had kids, at his age I'd think he's a commitment phobe.
Every day phone call sounds a bit much but just go along with what's comfortable for you.

Rosehugger · 23/05/2022 10:30

I don't see any harm with meeting for a coffee. I think I'd have to for sheer nosiness!

CPL593H · 23/05/2022 10:34

2 things really

  1. It does sound as if he is rather unsettled ATM with job, home etc and you have a lot of stability on offer.

20 It has been a looooong time since you've actually clapped eyes on him in person. I'd have an actual meeting ASAP to gauge how you (both) feel before building more on an emotional connection by phone, text etc.

I'm speaking a someone who had an absolute whirlwind happen, out of the blue. Years married and very happy, so it can work. I'd say just be a bit cautious and self protective.

CPL593H · 23/05/2022 10:35

Sorry, 2) if it isn't obvious Grin !

rnsaslkih · 23/05/2022 11:32

Be very careful

my BIL seems initially loving, caring, attentive to his girlfriends. 50 unmarried no kids - but look at what he has been doing. BIL has been womanising forever. He is skilled. Put him in any sort of venue, he can come out having pulled. Initially the women are very taken with him, until they realise how monumentally selfish he is. The ones that stick the longest are the richer ones - he is careful to treat those ones better so he can freeload. I can just imagine him saying he’d never met the right person 🤣. Er no, it was BIL who was not the right person. Not the hundreds/thousands of women.

This guy was forward enough to send his number to you wasn’t he. Is the shyness real?

I mean you sound like a slightly easier target on account of the fact that there is an existing school days relationship. Rather than messaging randoms online.

maybe I am cynical. Well I definitely am. But that because I’ve lived long enough to see truck loads of shit.

Original poster
Joyfuldays · 23/05/2022 15:10

HollowTalk · 23/05/2022 09:57

The thing that worries me more is that he is between things... between homes, kind of between jobs...

Can you explain this? Where's he living? You say he has projects on, but he's between jobs?

This is what would make me wary, tbh. If he's had a professional job and never been married/had kids and he's now 50 or so, why doesn't he have his own home?

He is in the process of doing extra study to go up a level in his job. It's is all commensurate with his role. His last relationship broke down just as his mother became ill and his father died, so he sold the property and returned to live with his mum for a bit - he says longer than he intended. He became ill himself, so has been finding his feet and finishing the training in the meantime.

OP posts:
Original poster
Joyfuldays · 23/05/2022 15:16

rnsaslkih · 23/05/2022 11:32

Be very careful

my BIL seems initially loving, caring, attentive to his girlfriends. 50 unmarried no kids - but look at what he has been doing. BIL has been womanising forever. He is skilled. Put him in any sort of venue, he can come out having pulled. Initially the women are very taken with him, until they realise how monumentally selfish he is. The ones that stick the longest are the richer ones - he is careful to treat those ones better so he can freeload. I can just imagine him saying he’d never met the right person 🤣. Er no, it was BIL who was not the right person. Not the hundreds/thousands of women.

This guy was forward enough to send his number to you wasn’t he. Is the shyness real?

I mean you sound like a slightly easier target on account of the fact that there is an existing school days relationship. Rather than messaging randoms online.

maybe I am cynical. Well I definitely am. But that because I’ve lived long enough to see truck loads of shit.

You're right, it's good to be careful.

Sorry about your BIL. This chap is def not a womaniser, nor does he have this sort of ego problem.. but interesting what you say about the wealth thing. I suspect my friend is pretty loaded, he doesn't seem to have any money thing going on.

Good point about being forward to sending me his number - but it was in the context of friendly chat. I don't think he's faking shyness, or anything like that. I meant shy as in, within our banter, it's a bit flirty but not...umm... Well, not as much as I have experienced with other men at this stage. We seem to be treading carefully around each other, partly in a sort of brotherly/sisterly dynamic, which I guess is how we would have been as friends at school.

Yes, that did cross my mind, too. Maybe the fact I am an old friend, and from a similar background as his, makes me more vulnerable as well as more appealing. An interesting point, thanks!

OP posts:
Original poster
Joyfuldays · 23/05/2022 15:18

CPL593H · 23/05/2022 10:34

2 things really

  1. It does sound as if he is rather unsettled ATM with job, home etc and you have a lot of stability on offer.

20 It has been a looooong time since you've actually clapped eyes on him in person. I'd have an actual meeting ASAP to gauge how you (both) feel before building more on an emotional connection by phone, text etc.

I'm speaking a someone who had an absolute whirlwind happen, out of the blue. Years married and very happy, so it can work. I'd say just be a bit cautious and self protective.

Thank you so much! Yes, we need to meet. He has certainly been keen to make it happen, and has been true to his word - I've just been busy with my DCs so it hasn't happened. Hopefully very soon!

Your whirlwind sounds very seductive and positive!

OP posts:
Original poster
Joyfuldays · 23/05/2022 15:20

seensome · 23/05/2022 10:13

Never married, never had kids, at his age I'd think he's a commitment phobe.
Every day phone call sounds a bit much but just go along with what's comfortable for you.

I wondered the same, but he sounded committed in a couple of relationships he described. I need to find out more, really. He's certainly loyal and committed to his work and to his family. The daily phone calls are kind of half study-buddy support things, although I wonder if we are both acting like it's inevitable that we are entering a relationship.

I need to meet him very soon!

OP posts:
Original poster
Joyfuldays · 23/05/2022 15:21

CorpseReviver · 23/05/2022 10:11

100% I would not get involved with a man of his age who had never been married/long-term cohabited with a partner.

He has lived together with a partner on two occasions. One of his roles involved a lot of travelling, so I think it was hard for him to hold down a relationship under those circumstances. He is also very close to his family - could be a red flag, although what I remember of them, they are very nice!

OP posts:
Original poster
Joyfuldays · 23/05/2022 15:24

GettingItOutThere · 23/05/2022 10:09

does he still live with his parents??

big big red flag if he does ^^

sounds likvely OP but just take it slowly and watch out. Love bombing and hes looking for a vulnerable lady to move in with and take care of him
or he might actually be genuine but im always on my guard! been hurt too many times
good luck!

I explained in an earlier reply just now - he went home after his father died. His mother was ill and he looked after her. His relationship had broken down in another part of the country, so they sold the house. He had intentions of buying somewhere else and then also covid happened. This is the story he's told me. It seems consistent with everything else; he thought about living abroad and I can see how and why that would have worked, had those other things not happened.

Yes, you're right. It needs to go slowly. Yes, yes, that horrible feeling of being vulnerable is not pleasant - I came out of something long term because it always felt a bit like this.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 23/05/2022 16:16

Sorry, op, but it's quite alarming that you have taken everything he's told you as gospel. As though of course what he's telling you is the absolute truth. He may very well be saying what he thinks you want to hear, (a part of love bombing), and it's only after you've been reeled in do the cracks start to show. Then you allow him to convince you to ignore those cracks. He certainly does seem to have an agreeable answer for everything, doesn't he? Yet the reality is he's a 50 year old man, never married, no kids, and living with mum. My radar would be blaring.

You also seem slightly desperate for this to turn into a relationship, and that makes you very vulnerable.

Windmillwhirl · 23/05/2022 16:49

I am 50, never married no kids. If my mother was ill I'd likely look after her. Never thought of myself as a setting off blaring alarms lol

Op, have dinner and enjoy yourself. Like any potential relationship, proceed with caution.

It's not as if he has just got to 50 and gas been living been his mother's basement all this time! He's had relationships. :)

Original poster
Joyfuldays · 23/05/2022 17:22

Aquamarine1029 · 23/05/2022 16:16

Sorry, op, but it's quite alarming that you have taken everything he's told you as gospel. As though of course what he's telling you is the absolute truth. He may very well be saying what he thinks you want to hear, (a part of love bombing), and it's only after you've been reeled in do the cracks start to show. Then you allow him to convince you to ignore those cracks. He certainly does seem to have an agreeable answer for everything, doesn't he? Yet the reality is he's a 50 year old man, never married, no kids, and living with mum. My radar would be blaring.

You also seem slightly desperate for this to turn into a relationship, and that makes you very vulnerable.

Wow! Really?! He's an old schoolfriend, why would he lie? Presumably he knows I'm going to meet his mum and his family, if we are to have a relationship, and they wouldn't keep any lie going. We are part of the same community in my home town, so I don't think he would be able to tell any major lies, as news spreads fast! I think maybe in my explaining the facts on here, you are seeing it as his having "an agreeable answer for everything". It's not the case at all, I'm just putting on here what I know, in order to get some opinions about what it's like when your old schoolfriend returns into your life.

I'm not desperate at all! Happy on my own - it would very much add to my existing happy life. I think maybe you have mixed things up a bit.

OP posts:
Original poster
Joyfuldays · 23/05/2022 17:26

Windmillwhirl · 23/05/2022 16:49

I am 50, never married no kids. If my mother was ill I'd likely look after her. Never thought of myself as a setting off blaring alarms lol

Op, have dinner and enjoy yourself. Like any potential relationship, proceed with caution.

It's not as if he has just got to 50 and gas been living been his mother's basement all this time! He's had relationships. :)

Thank you! I can see how it can happen - I know quite a few people our age who never married, and who don't have kids... for a whole range of reasons. That doesn't alarm me as much, it strikes me as rare but seems a good thing, really! He seems happy with his life choices/the way things worked out, although he said he has grieved that he prob won't have kids now.

Yes, I know i would go home if my mum were as ill as his was, too. I'm not so worried. Life treats people in different ways. I'm a bit worried that I am vulnerable to being exploited, but we will see what gives when he and I meet.

Yes! If he hadn't ever lived away, I would be really concerned - but he left home at the normal time in life, got jobs, moved about and worked away, had some relationships where he cohabited. I do believe the current situation is a stopgap for him, too. He seems keen to get on with his next part of life.

Will see. I hope he is as lovely IRL as in his video calls. He hasn't changed a bit!

OP posts:
Alcemeg · 23/05/2022 17:31

Oooh OP I do hope this is a nice thing happening. I love a happy ending!

However, just because it's so much easier for me to exercise caution in YOUR life than mine, this jumped out at me:
he remembers diving in to defend me when some boys got nasty to me
^ do YOU remember it too?

Windmillwhirl · 23/05/2022 17:50

FWIW, I've never regretted my decision to not have children. Nor my decision to not marry - the marriages would not have lasted or I'd be still stuck in them and miserable. There's a lot to be said for being free and single!

I hope you come back and update us 😄

Honeyroar · 23/05/2022 18:21

Another childless 50+ whose job collapsed during Covid, and who has to care for a sick mother! Thank god I’m married or I’d apparently be a reg flag case too!!

Athenajm80 · 23/05/2022 18:32

I think that providing you remain aware and a bit cautious, then go for it. Meet him, have coffee, chat and see what happens. It's a coffee, not a marriage proposal. You don't have to rush into anything but why not see what he's like in the flesh so to speak? Keep an open mind, don't be overly cynical but don't ignore any red flags.

Oh, and most importantly, don't forget to keep us updated! 😁

Original poster
Joyfuldays · 23/05/2022 18:53

Alcemeg · 23/05/2022 17:31

Oooh OP I do hope this is a nice thing happening. I love a happy ending!

However, just because it's so much easier for me to exercise caution in YOUR life than mine, this jumped out at me:
he remembers diving in to defend me when some boys got nasty to me
^ do YOU remember it too?

Yes I do recall. It is a very hazy memory, but he was always pleasant to me, and on this occasion some boys were teasing me, and I remember he snuck in and defended me (verbally!). My friends all fancied him, but tbh we were all so young... 14... I wasn't really into boys much then!

I just hope I am not imagining things! I don't think so... he did mention what a pleasant surprise it is to him that we have so much in common and that we get on so well, and there have been a few winky smilies here and there... oh, and he called me darling during one call. Oh dear, I have it bad, don't I?!! We will see. I will proceed with caution to his face. And go nuts on here instead

OP posts: