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Original poster

We’ve not had sex in over a year.

30 replies

Slavetolove · 22/05/2022 20:36

Me and my husband have been together since 2014. Married in 2019. We have a 5 year old and 2 from a previous relationship.

we had an “ok” sex life up until covid hit and the kids were at home Al the time. Before covid we would have sex in the day.

it went 6 months then another 6 months.

iv just looked on my period tracker and we haven’t had sex since 12th may last year.

i feel like absolute shit. I have zero confidence and just generally feel depressed. I have tried everything, sexy undies, flirting, touching him, sexting, taking him out for dinner etc. nothing. He turns me down.

we are going away next week for a night in Manchester to see a band. If we don’t have sex I generally think I’m going to leave.

OP posts:
Abridget7 · 22/05/2022 20:38

Have you tried talking to him about it and what does he say?

Original poster
Slavetolove · 22/05/2022 20:42

He won’t discuss it. Says he doesn’t know what’s wrong but he could happily never have it again.

OP posts:
SabbyD · 22/05/2022 21:05

Your husband is allowed to not want sex anymore. Anyone is allowed to not want sex.

What he isn’t allowed to do is unilaterally decide YOU aren’t having sex anymore. You are allowed to want sex. You are also allowed to want your marriage to be a marriage, sex is the only thing differentiating a friendship and a marriage.

This behaviour wouldn’t fly outside of marriage. It’s utterly untenable for someone to think they can choose celibacy for someone else whilst banking on love to make them stay

SabbyD · 22/05/2022 21:08

If I were you I would use the weekend away to set out my stall.

  • Calmly explain your position
  • Ask him what he is going to do to put in a long term fix (not one crap shag to shut you up)
  • Explain your timeline
  • Follow through
Thebeastofsleep · 22/05/2022 21:25

In addition to the above, you also need to consider what you will do if despite him making all efforts his position/ libido/ situation doesn't change. If he tries absolutely everything and yet still does not want sex, what will you do?

Pinkbonbon · 22/05/2022 21:28

Slavetolove · 22/05/2022 20:42

He won’t discuss it. Says he doesn’t know what’s wrong but he could happily never have it again.

Then you say 'that doesn't work for me. If you dont know what's wrong then we need to work it out together. That's how partnerships work. Book an appointment with your gp asap and let's figure this out. But if you generally are not interested I doing so then please recognise that this probably spells the end for the marriage'.

Lavenderlast · 22/05/2022 21:29

If he has zero libido and he used to have good libido, then either he is very depressed or something is medically wrong with him.

Either he sees a doctor or the marriage is in serious trouble.

MissConductUS · 22/05/2022 21:30

Loss of libido in men can be purely medical, like low testosterone or a side effect of a medication. But if he won't even talk about it, he's not going to discuss it with a doctor either.

As others have said, you have to be prepared to walk away if he won't deal with it.

altmember · 22/05/2022 21:32

Tell him to go to his GP and get his testosterone levels checked. Tell him it's a problem and if he doesn't take it seriously it'll be the end of your marriage.

gamerchick · 22/05/2022 21:34

It's fine for him not to want it. It's not fine for you to have it forced on you. You may need to make a choice if he's not willing to discuss it.

Overthewine · 22/05/2022 22:21

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 23/05/2022 09:15

Slavetolove · 22/05/2022 20:42

He won’t discuss it. Says he doesn’t know what’s wrong but he could happily never have it again.

I did reply on your other thread, but as others say he might have lower T levels, or some previous sexual issues that are now blocking him, or a host of other things really, I doubt this will get better tbh

hotandspicy · 23/05/2022 10:29

How old is your husband?
I find it incredible that he would refuse to take you up on any intimacy that your trying to instigate.

I can only assume he has something going on with his equipment that he doesn't feel he can tell you about. Is he showing any signs of depression?

Apart from no sex, any other signs of issues?

19Bears · 23/05/2022 10:55

Don't let it slip to 11 years! That's my advice......

notlongtoo · 23/05/2022 11:29

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Sunnygirl1 · 23/05/2022 11:34

How old are you both?

I would tell him if he doesn't work on it, the relationship will end.

So does he accept it ending or is he willing to find out what the problem is - often psychological/emotional more than physical?

Sunnygirl1 · 23/05/2022 11:39
DontBlameMe79 · 23/05/2022 12:21

I think you need to suck it up unfortunately and live with it. You both made an oath around for better or worse and it’s just one of those things.

You could try affairs but I’d not recommend them and they are likely to be unfulfilling.

He may just have the ick with you and if that’s the case there is little chance of recovering unfortunately. But think of your children. It’s a bad situation and I feel for you.

HelenHywater · 23/05/2022 12:30

DontBlameMe79 · 23/05/2022 12:21

I think you need to suck it up unfortunately and live with it. You both made an oath around for better or worse and it’s just one of those things.

You could try affairs but I’d not recommend them and they are likely to be unfulfilling.

He may just have the ick with you and if that’s the case there is little chance of recovering unfortunately. But think of your children. It’s a bad situation and I feel for you.

You don't have to suck it up. As a pp says, it's his decision whether he wants sex, but it's yours as to whether you can live in a sexless relationship.

I couldn't.

Knittingchamp · 23/05/2022 12:35

Might be a bit left field but he didn't start this after having Covid did he? It can cause some men to have problems in the bedroom. That's actually one long term risk. Could be that he can't perform and just doesn't want to face up to it.

roarfeckingroarr · 23/05/2022 12:39

OP I feel you, I'm in almost the same boat. I was getting ready to end it amicably, but we did have sex once in the last year and yup, I'm pregnant.

God works in mysterious ways and all...

knittingaddict · 23/05/2022 12:43

DontBlameMe79 · 23/05/2022 12:21

I think you need to suck it up unfortunately and live with it. You both made an oath around for better or worse and it’s just one of those things.

You could try affairs but I’d not recommend them and they are likely to be unfulfilling.

He may just have the ick with you and if that’s the case there is little chance of recovering unfortunately. But think of your children. It’s a bad situation and I feel for you.

Do not take this advice.

I take marriage and it's commitment very, very seriously and have been happily married for almost 40 years.

I would be incredibly upset if my husband acted like this and it might well end my marriage. It's not the lack of sex as much as the refusal to discuss and compromise. I couldn't live like that.

DogsAndGin · 23/05/2022 13:20

SabbyD · 22/05/2022 21:05

Your husband is allowed to not want sex anymore. Anyone is allowed to not want sex.

What he isn’t allowed to do is unilaterally decide YOU aren’t having sex anymore. You are allowed to want sex. You are also allowed to want your marriage to be a marriage, sex is the only thing differentiating a friendship and a marriage.

This behaviour wouldn’t fly outside of marriage. It’s utterly untenable for someone to think they can choose celibacy for someone else whilst banking on love to make them stay

Eh?! Sex isn’t the only thing that makes a marriage different to a friendship.

The other parts of a marriage are important too - like trust, love, compassion and commitment (no matter what). You don’t just leave your husband because he’s experiencing low libido.

It sounds to me like he needs help.

DogsAndGin · 23/05/2022 13:25

Sunnygirl1 · 23/05/2022 11:34

How old are you both?

I would tell him if he doesn't work on it, the relationship will end.

So does he accept it ending or is he willing to find out what the problem is - often psychological/emotional more than physical?

Emotional blackmail! Lovely way to treat your husband. If OP wants to end it, that’s on her - she can’t blame him for breaking up with her when it was her who requested the breakup.

knittingaddict · 23/05/2022 13:34

The op's husband won't discuss it. She says this and that is the real issue here. She wouldn't be leaving because there's no sex, she would be leaving because her husband won't communicate about it. It's a fait accompli and those rarely work well in a relationship.

Op, how old are you both?