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Original poster

Blend finances or not?

27 replies

violetbunny · 21/05/2022 05:38

DP and I have been together 10 years. I am divorced, and not keen to marry again which is basically the reason we aren't married. No kids.

DP and I own a house together as joint tenants. He paid for half the house outright. I own the other 50% off the house but have a mortgage on it which I pay.

Finances have always been fairly equal until now, as although I was the higher earner we both had the same disposable income after I paid the mortgage. 2 years ago I offered to blend our finances so we paid all expenses jointly then split any remaining income. DP declined, even though I explained at the time that my income was likely to go up more than his over time due to the nature of our jobs.

I've now been offered a job that is a significant salary increase. Since the conversation about blending finances, DP has spent most of his savings on basically what amounts to a year of travelling. I mentioned that to celebrate the new job, I world like to book a long haul trip with a friend. He is no longer in a position to afford this trip, having spent so much on his own trips last year. He clearly feels he is missing out by not going, so he asked half jokingly if I still wanted to blend finances with him.

What would others do in this situation? I don't want a disparity in finances to become an issue for us, but equally I feel that by asking to blend finances now (when it benefits him!) DP is being a bit cheeky! We are both comfortable so it's not as if one of us is deprived of necessities. Of course if he lost his job then I would step in to help.

Keen to know what others would do...

OP posts:
GetThatHelmetOn · 21/05/2022 05:44

I wouldn’t, he obviously didn’t want to blend when you were in equal terms, and only wants now because you will be now better off. I think you need to keep the status quo, which has been obviously his preference unless you are afraid that your new higher salary is causing an “unbalance of power” in your relationship already, but even if that is the case, I suggest investing the extra amount in pension to balance things out instead.

Goosey3 · 21/05/2022 06:07

@violetbunny personally I wouldn’t blend them at this stage. Agree with PP, invest the extra amount in your future.
If you’d really like him to be on the trip and can afford to then I’d maybe offer to help with a certain amount of the cost - his flights perhaps but that would be as a huge one-off and purely if it was really important to you for him to be there.

UserError012345 · 21/05/2022 06:10

Nope. I agree with his initial decision not to and I think you should continue to have separate finances.

Original poster
violetbunny · 21/05/2022 07:11

Thanks for your replies. DP totally understands why I don't want to blend them so isn't making a fuss or anything, I think he was just chancing it with his "joke". So far I have basically said that until it's actually a problem then there's no point changing anything. It's his birthday soon so I have suggested I put the amount I would have spent on a gift towards this trip if he wants to come, which he seemed quite happy with.

Weirdly, I think the reason he didn't want to blend finances before was because he was worried I would dictate how he spent his share of any leftover income we split. I said at the time the whole reason for splitting any remaining income was so we could put it in our individual accounts to spend as we like. I hardly want him seeing how much I spend on coffee or shoes! I think he just wasn't listening and now he regrets it....!

OP posts:
FuckingNoise · 21/05/2022 07:19

I feel very strongly about this and even in a "joke" I wouldn't find it funny. Do not do this OP you can see on here how much women end up getting fucked over. You say he was joking, but I bet if you said yes he'd miraculously be up for it? A man should be just that - a man. Financially secure, with self respect and the desire and ability to support himself (unless life altering, extenuating circumstances of course in which we all need support male or female). If there's any indication he's willing to sponge off you - bleurgh 🤮

MagicTurtle · 21/05/2022 07:30

After being together 10 years, and hopefully for a many more to come, I think it's reasonable to blend finances. It could benefit the relationship by making you feel like you're 'in it together'.

You're not married and have no kids so you won't be tied to him financially if you split up - you can just un-blend again. And I think holding something he said two years ago against him forever is a bit mean.

The only thing that makes me pause is the bit about him having recently spent so much money on travelling and now wanting to come away with you too. So maybe put it off for a year or two until he's in a more equal financial position. But in the medium term I agree with him.

FuckingNoise · 21/05/2022 07:35

MagicTurtle · 21/05/2022 07:30

After being together 10 years, and hopefully for a many more to come, I think it's reasonable to blend finances. It could benefit the relationship by making you feel like you're 'in it together'.

You're not married and have no kids so you won't be tied to him financially if you split up - you can just un-blend again. And I think holding something he said two years ago against him forever is a bit mean.

The only thing that makes me pause is the bit about him having recently spent so much money on travelling and now wanting to come away with you too. So maybe put it off for a year or two until he's in a more equal financial position. But in the medium term I agree with him.

But don't you think it says a lot that he wouldn't agree to this plan until it benefited him and cost her? Just no!! OP if you really want to feel like you're more of a team finance wise why not open a joint account and agree to put say £200 per month each in for future holidays etc. But that's as far as it would be going for me.

Badbaddog · 21/05/2022 07:51

FuckingNoise · 21/05/2022 07:19

I feel very strongly about this and even in a "joke" I wouldn't find it funny. Do not do this OP you can see on here how much women end up getting fucked over. You say he was joking, but I bet if you said yes he'd miraculously be up for it? A man should be just that - a man. Financially secure, with self respect and the desire and ability to support himself (unless life altering, extenuating circumstances of course in which we all need support male or female). If there's any indication he's willing to sponge off you - bleurgh 🤮

I don’t see that being financially secure defines a man any more or less than it defines being a woman…

ten years in I reckon the time for this decision has been and gone. It’s just not necessary to blend finances is it?

Original poster
violetbunny · 21/05/2022 08:17

We do have a joint account. Aside from the mortgage, everything gets split 50/50 at the moment from food shopping to house renovations.

OP posts:
MagicTurtle · 21/05/2022 08:17

But it's not like he held off from blending when he would have had to support OP and is pushing for it now he'll benefit from it. Previously they had similar amounts of disposable income - going forwards they won't.

DeskInUse · 21/05/2022 08:24

You say he went travelling for a year, was he working, did you go with him? Is he working now?

SunshineAndFizz · 21/05/2022 08:27

Nah just keep it separate.

Blueskythinking123 · 21/05/2022 08:27

First I would be over paying my half of the mortgage as much as I could (so we both owned an equal share in the house). Until I owned half the house o would not consider blending finances. Currently your DP is in a better situation than you if he spends all of his share of your disposable income.

RandomMess · 21/05/2022 08:33

That's true actually he owns half the house and you don't, prioritise paying off the mortgage.

HandbagsnGladrags · 21/05/2022 08:46

Absolutely not. And enjoy your long haul holiday!

billy1966 · 21/05/2022 08:53

Absolutely not.

He made his decision and I think it is unnecessary.

I would be lobbing any extra money into clearing the morgage as quickly as possible.

Perhaps you will retire early, start saving to give yourself as many options as possible.

Keep your finances separate.

coodawoodashooda · 21/05/2022 08:58

FuckingNoise · 21/05/2022 07:19

I feel very strongly about this and even in a "joke" I wouldn't find it funny. Do not do this OP you can see on here how much women end up getting fucked over. You say he was joking, but I bet if you said yes he'd miraculously be up for it? A man should be just that - a man. Financially secure, with self respect and the desire and ability to support himself (unless life altering, extenuating circumstances of course in which we all need support male or female). If there's any indication he's willing to sponge off you - bleurgh 🤮

This

Original poster
violetbunny · 21/05/2022 09:14

He is financially secure, he can afford to pay the bills - just doesn't have as much "fun" money right now as he spent a lot last year. He will be able to afford holidays again, he just needs time to save.

He works full time and did so last year too (although last year he took a few weeks of unpaid leave and was away most weekends).

OP posts:
Aprilx · 21/05/2022 09:15

FuckingNoise · 21/05/2022 07:35

But don't you think it says a lot that he wouldn't agree to this plan until it benefited him and cost her? Just no!! OP if you really want to feel like you're more of a team finance wise why not open a joint account and agree to put say £200 per month each in for future holidays etc. But that's as far as it would be going for me.

Show quote history

Well that is only the same as the OP is doing, she wanted to blend finances when it benefited her and now she doesn’t as it will benefit him.

To be honest, I couldn’t even call myself a “partner” if I lived like this after ten years together. Id be planning my holidays primarily with my partner, no matter who pays.

Original poster
violetbunny · 21/05/2022 09:15

RandomMess · 21/05/2022 08:33

That's true actually he owns half the house and you don't, prioritise paying off the mortgage.

Yes, this was my thinking too. If I put as much as I can towards the mortgage this benefits us both in the long run anyway if we do end up combining finances further down the track.

OP posts:
userxx · 21/05/2022 09:16

Nope don't do it. Enjoy your trip with your friend.

Appleblum · 21/05/2022 09:17

I think it's a bit harsh to say that because he declined to share finances previously you have to keep your finances separate forever. Circumstances change and people's point of views do change. Is this something you still want to do? 10 years is a long time together. The holiday and sharing finances are 2 separate issues. If I were you I would pay for him to come with me as a treat, and revisit the issue of blending finances at a later time.

MagicTurtle · 21/05/2022 09:33

Yes that is a good point about over paying the mortgage. If you used your additional income to do that, bringing your disposable income down to similar amounts, then that seems like a fair situation. And you can revisit the blending idea when you've paid off the mortgage.

KangarooKenny · 21/05/2022 09:34

Do not blend.

Whadda · 21/05/2022 09:36

Absolutely not.

I would never blend money with someone I had no legal relationship with.

OP, you’ve been divorced, you know that relationships aren’t often forever. Hopefully you’ll be together happily for years to come but, if the relationship does end, you could find yourself in a very precarious position.