Feel like ending it all…so numb and empty

[Midliff45]

Hi I’ve posted many times before, with various name changes, about my relationship. It’s getting me very down and anguished. I’m now I think in the early stages of menopause so coupled with DP cold, distant behaviour, it is a perfect storm with my hormones.

I feel so cut off from everything emotionally and physically, I’m so demoralised and empty. I do work full time, I look after DC with childcare, etc. I’ve not really tidied the house in weeks or felt like doing anything lately as my job is intense.

I’m so unhappy in my marriage, I feel like I can’t breathe, I just don’t want to exist. DP words do not match his actions. I feel
like when I come in a room, he leaves. He finds reasons to ensure I’m the one who should be grateful for his help as a ‘supportive husband’. I cannot argue with him as I find it draining nowadays, when I do blow up and fight back I’m told I’m the aggressor. Yes, he has picked up a lot of the slack while I’ve felt low, there is so sympathy at the moment, I just get silence or deep sighs. My lowness is probably due to his cold, calculating behaviour. He unbelievably expects me to support him about the unreasonable behaviour of his family. This support is not returned how I would like.

I’m struggling, I’ve begged for more passion and understanding but I’m faced with his resentment/ bitterness which sometimes makes me feel like I’m being told off like a child. I just want a DP who makes me feel wanted, loved and like a DW.

I am in therapy, I’m very scared to make the move to split as I haven’t got the energy to contest him, I would get nothing. The kids would hate me too. I just feel very stuck and low. I even considered going on an illicit affair website to see if I could connect with someone, but I could not face putting my details on there. I try to do social things and find hobbies but I lose interest.

We’ve just had a petty argument and I’ve had to go to the bedroom to get away. I don’t think I’ll ever feel energised or truly happy again. I just feel stuck for the next few years until I have more energy and the finances to leave. It’s hard sticking with him during this time, he says he’ll change but I never see or feel it. Empty words.

I know this is such a long post, I cannot discuss this numb weird feeling in RL, I’ve lent too much on the friends I talked about this too. Just feel like ending it all as I don’t think I can cope being in this situation. I’m so lonely and unhappy. Friday night should be more positive.

Go to your GP and find a HRT that works for you.
First and foremost.

Make an appointment on Monday first thing. You need your GP for this.

But in the meantime. Carve out a pemper hour, bath, hair, body lotion, lush long drink does not have to be alcoholic, small amount of fancy chocolates. Trashy escape novel. You won't be missing much in the house.

This will pass. It will.

Thank you for replying @frozendaisy . I’m on week 10 of HRT patches, will give them a few more weeks. Tried ADs, had awful
side effects but this current feeling is much worse than before.

I just feel I’ve hit rock bottom. Nothing I try seems to make me feel better. DP behaviour is so soul destroying too.

💐💐💐. And a hug

It sounds really tough. I’d speak to womens aid for support. And try and find a way to make the break earlier. I think living separately would do wonders for your mental health.

Thank you, I’ll reach out to them but I thought they only dealt with dangerous abuse? I really need to make the break but it’s so very tough.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website
or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek real-life help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Some further support links:

NHS: Where to get urgent help for mental health
NHS: Looking after your mental health
MIND: Coping with mental health problems during coronavirus

CALM: The Campaign Against Living Miserably
NHS: Help for suicidal thoughts

Very best wishes from MNHQ.

Thank you, I will look at the resources you have sent through. I know about these and have spoken to my GP, hence previously ADs and now HRT.

It has helped chatting on here, sorry if I alarmed anyone. I just feel like I’m stuck in a loveless, horrible marriage with a cold and unloving DP who makes me feel awful.

OP, fwiw you're not alone not knowing how to move forward. I'm also feeling pretty stuck in a relationship that has probably run its course.

Might it be worth trying a different antidepressant? Apparently reactions to them vary enormously b/w people. But more importantly - hang on in there, something will give. And your kids may be more understanding than you think. I was bloody relieved when my parents finally split.🌻🌼🌸

I’m struggling, I’ve begged for more passion and understanding but I’m faced with his resentment/ bitterness which sometimes makes me feel like I’m being told off like a child. I just want a DP who makes me feel wanted, loved and like a DW.

This stands out for me. I wonder why it is that you beg your DP to give you the care and understanding that he is incapable of and uninterested in giving you, when you seem equally incapable of giving it to yourself.

By making it all about his lack of attention and sympathy, about his attitude, you are drifting along with no need for any agency in your own life.

You are 'stuck', you say. Well you aren't stuck, it is just that you are wasting your life imagining that someone else will change it all for you. It is a bit like spending your few, precious years daydreaming about an alternative life where you have won the lottery, but in truth never actually getting around to even buying a ticket.

How is tomorrow going to be any different from today, OP? Start with doing one little thing for yourself tomorrow. And one more thing the day after. Plan it. Enjoy it. You have no idea what you are capable of, of the inner strength that you have inside.

You need to find your inner fire, your wish for life. Really, come on OP. Find what you want for yourself and aim to get it for yourself and by yourself. Otherwise you are born, you drift around miserably for a while, and then it is too late.

Thanks you both for your inputs.

@ThreeLocusts ADs really scare me as I had a bad reaction last time, my anxiety and stress got worse! I’d rather look at natural alternatives if HRT doesn’t work.

Does anyone have any suggestions if HRT doesn’t work for me?

@Haffiana I feel like I do try different things to give me a separaration from him and to help me find myself, my inner fire has been extinguished. I can’t commit regularly to
hobbies as his work always gets in
the way with childcare. Reading your post has triggered me into thinking others will say it’s me not him. I used to be so carefree and confident before him and DC, I’ve lost a lot of my confidence. Non existent now😢.

I didn't read that as PP saying that it is you and not him, but rather that it is only you who can take actions. You can't make other people do things (as you have seen yourself, even begging doesn't work) You can only change what you do. If for the time being you can't leave him, what can you do now so that when you do leave you are ready for the freedom, for the new life.

You have come on here, that's a positive action in itself so well done for that. Today you action was seeking out support on here. What will tomorrows action be? Keep taking steps forward, even if they are tiny.

Finally, your children will not hate you for building a better life for yourself.

Hi @Midliff45 how are you feeling this morning? Women's aid are definitely not just for physical violence. My exh never hit me but the Pychological and emotional abuse was real and left me numb. It chimes with me, your description.

In the end he did me a favour and ended it. The breakup was not great but was absolutely the best thing that could have happened. I did have some financial support for a solicitor though. You may be able to get legal aid if you are suffering domestic abuse and get it documented (women's aid/doctor/police).

I did take antidepressants to get me through. I didn't have side effects but they vary a lot. There are several different ones.

Your children will not hate you. It sounds like perhaps he's convinced you that you're so awful, they will. Not true. Growing up in that atmosphere is far worse.

Keep posting. We're here.

At John's wort is a natural alternative to antidepressants. No idea if it works but could be worth a go..it does iteract with some meds though (I think high BP meds?)

Also wild yam and lots of stuff suggested to help with menopause. Worth a go. X

I have been you. My turning point was last Christmas when I had a lightbulb moment. My dh had ground me down so much I had been seriously contemplating ending my life several times last year as I could see no way out. That would have been the ultimate win for him. Right now I am trying to get my health in a better place while working on finding financial documents for when I get a divorce solicitor. I have given myself a year. You are in a better position to leave this relationship as you work, I do not, but I can still see a glimmer of light.

You can do this. Find your inner strength and hold tightly onto your dream of a home without him, he is no good for you and will never change.

Thank you for your helpful tips. Still feel numb and very low in mood but trying to get through as lots of DC activities today.

Thankfully he stayed in spare room, he’s always insisted it’s his bedroom even when I’ve felt uncomfortable. He’s told me he had a tummy upset all night. This is always the same pattern, he expects me to be sympathetic and nurturing, I don’t have the energy but internally I feel bad, when I know I shouldn’t.

Loneliness is getting to me so much.

Thank you for listening.

Does anyone have any suggestions if HRT doesn’t work for me?

You're so down because of how you feel in the relationship, that will be making your menapause 10 times worse. Do you want to leave him? If you do, don't wait....if you feel this low right now waiting won't make it better. You will be ground down to nothing and will end up staying out of lack of mental energy.

I was in your boat a couple years ago with 3 young children and I couldn't put my kids through it anymore, I heard one of them say to the other "mum's crying again" and I thought that's it, I'm gonna do it. And the next day I did, I kicked him out and I've never looked back. He stuck around as a dad for a few months but we haven't seen him now for months and my kids are alot happier and so am I.
I had no family support around me, and it was during lockdown so I had no one. But just the thought of not having to go through another day with him here got me through.

I hope you get to where you want to be, but it's only you that can get you there...of course Mumsnet is here for virtual support. Good luck.