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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

NC family member still contacting me.

34 replies

CandyApplePie · 20/05/2022 20:39

Is anyone NC with a family member that won’t leave them alone? what do you do? They have turned up at my house a few times and also sent letters/gifts for my children. Have been NC for 2 years, my kids are at an age where they can open the door etc by themselves so I hate the thought of them opening the door to them but also don’t like saying you can’t answer the door if anyone knocks as don’t want to live like that. Has anyone been in this situation?

OP posts:
150poundrebate · 21/05/2022 00:23

Yes. Call the police. This person is harassing you.

converseandjeans · 21/05/2022 00:25

Well you're not really NC are you? It sounds like they wish to stay in touch. Why are you NC?

Original poster
CandyApplePie · 21/05/2022 00:28

I am NC haven’t spoken to them in 2 years, don’t really want to say why as it’s outing but I have no desire to speak to them again.

OP posts:
Motheranddaughtertotwo · 21/05/2022 00:32

Don’t answer the door to them and tell your children not to either. Then call the police, it’s harassment.

Original poster
CandyApplePie · 21/05/2022 00:36

they have knocked on my door a few times I haven’t answered as I can see who it is and then they also sent their (Adult) child to knock on my door, again didn’t answer. Also sent Xmas presents for my kids and birthday presents/cards. Didn’t open them. I didn’t not think the police would do anything?

OP posts:
DatingDinosaur · 21/05/2022 00:53

Do they know you're NC with them? Do they know why?

DFOD · 21/05/2022 00:58

Have you told them explicitly that you are NC or just stopped responding to them?

Original poster
CandyApplePie · 21/05/2022 00:58

Yes they are aware.

OP posts:
150poundrebate · 21/05/2022 01:33

If they are aware that you do not wish to engage with them and are persisting with repeated unwanted contact, then you are being harassed. Inform the police. I’m not sure why you think they won’t do anything, but that’s not the case.

GreyCarpet · 21/05/2022 09:22

Not turning up at the door, but the cards and gifts for the children etc.

We just ignored and eventually she stopped.

She also knew exactly why we were NC (it was serious - police and SS were briefly involved to ensure my children were safe) but it didn't fit her narrative.

Took about 5/6 years for all contact attempts to stop and there's been nothing for the past 4/5 years.

If she'd been coming to the door, I think I might have looked into a cease and desist letter and the police for harassment.

Original poster
CandyApplePie · 21/05/2022 09:31

They come to my door as I live about 10 minutes drive away from them but luckily I never see them as we don’t go to the same types of places so our paths haven’t crossed in the last 2 years. I guess I didn’t think the police would do anything as I was being harassed by a neighbour at my old place and they didn’t do anything and it was much worse, threats of violence etc so just knocking on my door I didn’t know that would be taken seriously. I will have to contact them if it doesn’t stop I’ve told another family member I am not interested in speaking to them again but they haven’t listened clearly, they told me they knocked again a couple of days ago.

OP posts:
DFOD · 21/05/2022 09:51

When was the last contact?

Have they sent gifts for every birthday and Christmas since?

Is there something coming up (birthday etc) that increases the likelihood of contact?

Original poster
CandyApplePie · 21/05/2022 11:02

The presents was the first Xmas and birthdays that we stopped speaking, I accidentally gave one to my son as it was sent through Amazon and I had ordered some stuff for his birthday so I just wrapped the box thinking it was one of the things I ordered, after it has only been cards but yes they’ve done it both Xmas and birthdays since. I last spoke to them in June 2020. Nothing else coming up for now…

OP posts:
DFOD · 21/05/2022 11:29

When was the last time they turned up on your doorstep?

LookItsMeAgain · 21/05/2022 11:43

Presents - return them. All of them.
Same with cards or anything that they send in the post.

Answering the door - the old adage of getting a video doorbell would be the way to go here. As they approach the door, you get immediate notification so you can decide to keep the door closed and no one need open the door to them.

I'd send a message through a family member that you mean business. If the NC family member tries to make contact one more time, you will begin the process of getting a restraining order against them (or whatever would be a good first step in going the legal route of ensuring that they are not in close contact with you). Make sure they understand that their role is purely to pass along the message and nothing else.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/05/2022 12:12

Radio silence needs to be maintained, you must not respond to anything they do or send you.
Returning presents is a no only because this is a response and that is what they want from you. To such disordered of thinking people a response is the reward.

I would contact the police here due to ongoing harassment of yourselves.

Original poster
CandyApplePie · 21/05/2022 13:02

They came to my door the other day according to my dad who I spoke to yesterday, I did not know they came they claimed to have heard my child in the kitchen but I genuinely didn’t hear to door knock so I find that weird, definitely looking at getting a ring door bell, before that it was about 4 months ago. My dad asked me if I would consider speaking to them again but I have already told him a few times now that I wouldn’t.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/05/2022 15:42

Your dad here is allowing himself to be used as a flying monkey. Such people are not interested in hearing your side of things so his opinion should be ignored.

Cherrysoup · 21/05/2022 17:43

Can your dad not tell this person to stop?

Original poster
CandyApplePie · 21/05/2022 17:46

I’ve told my dad but he is a bit of a peace maker so I suspect he isn’t passing it on but I can’t be sure.

OP posts:
LookItsMeAgain · 21/05/2022 20:03

Due to the fact that your Dad is trying to be a peacemaker here, he isn't listening and doesn't want to be the one to be telling this relative that you want nothing more to do with him.

He's not the right person to ask to be the messenger here for you.

You need to ask someone who will simply repeat your message to the relative and nothing more. Someone who could say "Listen X, I've spoken with @CandyApplePie and they have said that they want nothing to do with you. They've said that if you persist in trying to contact them, that they will get a restraining order against you. I'd suggest you leave it now and don't contact them again. At all. Now what did you think of the soccer/tennis/rugby match at the weekend?" ....that kind of thing.

Original poster
CandyApplePie · 21/05/2022 20:31

Unfortunately no one else in the family speaks to them so difficult to get the message through to them any other way

OP posts:
CornishTiger · 21/05/2022 22:07

Apply for a non molesation order. It’s free

Johnnysgirl · 21/05/2022 22:12

A family member knocking on your door and sending your kids presents is not a police matter, ffs!

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