How do I get over the resentment?

[MolliciousIntent]

Haven't posted in AIBU because I am absolutely BU.

For context, I have two DDs, 2.5 and 3m. Currently on mat leave, EBF, neither ever took a bottle. I haven't been for a night away for three years, unless you count ones for work while pregnant, which I don't. DH is fabulous, works part time, does more than his fair share of the cooking and cleaning, is a brilliant man, husband, father, etc etc etc. Can't fault him.

And here's the bit where I'm unreasonable. He plays a sport that means he's out all day on summer Saturdays, and he goes out one night a week with his mates, and he has the odd weekend away for a stag do or a lads holiday. All completely normal stuff and I don't have a problem with facilitating that. He'd 100% do the same for me.

Except I can't go out for 10 hours, or go to the pub for the evening, or go away for a weekend, because I have an EBF baby. I don't want to stop BF, I absolutely love it, and baby doesn't take a bottle anyway, so it's not really an option. I'm just so sick of the fact that between pregnancy 1, BF DD1 for a year, lockdown, pregnancy 2 and now BF DD2, I haven't had an actual night out/off since 2018. This isn't his fault. Like, at all. But I'm finding myself so resentful of him going out when I can't. He's super sympathetic and has promised that as soon as DD2 doesn't need feeding all hours I can fuck off for a long weekend, but GAH I still feel so angry and hard done by every time he comes home at midnight after a nice night out.

Any tips? I'd regret putting him under the patio as soon as I did it.

To add, he takes both girls out for an hour or two at a time a few times a week, occupies them so I can have a bath to myself, sends me out for coffee without them etc etc etc, he gives me as much time as he can, but the realities of my life right now mean I can't have more than that.

You need to see it as this is mum time, your children will be ok to leave soon, and then you can have me time, but right now it just isn't an option.
Maybe you can go for lunch with a friend and have DH and the children near by, so if you need to feed baby you can, but then DH can take them off again.

At 3 months it's not a given that your new baby won't be able to take a bottle and allow you a longer evening out. Long enough for a trip to the movies even if not a lock in at the pub!
I bf for years and I do feel the pain. At some point they are both older and weekends away can pick back up - I go away more often now than dh and it definitely didn't use to be that way.
I think one night out a week is a lot actually with two such small dc, all hands are needed on deck at that age I would be happy for fortnightly perhaps but weekly would stick in my craw.

You said it yourself you are BU.

You have a lovely supportive partner that would be happy for you to go out/have a weekend away.

You love BF so are tied to your baby. That is the choice you have made to be on demand. If you want freedom you can't exclusively BF.

To say you are resenting your husband for a choice you have made is not fair. And to resent him for something he is perfectly reasonable for doing could be seen as being slightly controlling.

Introduce the bottle, freeze up some breast milk and have a break. Or don't but this isn't on your partner, this is on you.

Sorry sounds harsh, but I'm not sure what other answer there can be.

@Badlifeday she hasn't taken one so far, but I see your point.

I don't have an issue with once a week tbh, he goes after toddler bedtime and he and his useless nipples are no help with the baby in the evening anyway! If I wasn't happy with it I could tell him and he wouldn't go - that's the worst bit about how I feel right now, he's so completely reasonable and understanding that he wouldn't bat an eye at being told not to go. But there's no reason for him not to go, and then I'd feel even worse!

@Mrstumbletap we've tried the bottle, she's having none of it. I guess EBF didn't feel like such a sacrifice last time because it was lockdown so no one was going anywhere anyway!

I think I just needed a little vent. I know I'm being unreasonable, but I resent the accusation that I'm controlling.

@Bollindger that's really helpful, thank you

Could have written this myself

Solidarity

@MolliciousIntent If my partner resented me for going out with my friends or having a hobby, I would see it as controlling.

I don't resent him, I resent my lack of freedom. I'm not controlling him at all.

My sister was a godsend with DS1. She took me out for the morning, and didn't take me home when I was panicking about having left the baby too long. When you aren't there, they don't need feeding as often. When you are their, they are like little milk sponges.

Work on going out. Go to the cinema with a friend. Go to a quiz night, or a book club. Go out. It will be fine!

Once you do that, you'll not mind staying in. It's the idea of feeling trapped. It's much easier when you know you aren't!

Not much longer now OP and you'll be able to go out for a couple of hours in the evening (it might be painful for DH but he'll manage).

Have you tried a feeding cup? They didn't work for my 3DC but I have friends who's DC were bottle refusers and would take them.

In your position I think I'd have to speak to DH about how much time he's leaving you flying solo with the kids. 2 small kids is bloody hard work especially when ebf (I know single parents have to do it alone but you don't). We have 3 under 5 and while my DH might go off for the odd day I'd go ballistic if he did it every weekend. If he was taking the older DC with him I'd be much more ok with it, is that an option? If he tells you it'd be too difficult then I'd make mine reduce how often he went.

To be honest I don't mind him going out, it's the fact that I can't do the same that is the problem!

I guess you just have to suck it up and wait then.

You'll have your freedom back one day. Me too I hope

Your choice to breastfeed

I'm well aware, I did say I know I'm being unreasonable.

I don't understand why people are saying "YABU, your choice to bf" etc. You've quite clearly said you know your feelings are irrational. They're feelings, they're allowed to be bloody irrational! And no, you're not being controlling (MN's most overused word). Controlling would be insisting that he stay in and be miserable while you cluster feed every night.

Solidarity and sympathy from me - our age gap is similar, and I remember the "tied to the house" feeling well. It was suffocating. I loved bf as well, and adored my babies, but it is possible to feel all of that and STILL want to scream at the monotony of it and the sheer bloody unfairness of DH being able to come and go unencumbered by the baby's ever-hungry mouth. Mine is an absolute gem as well, he's incredibly considerate and our relationship - especially in parenting - is completely equal, but the early baby period fell disproportionately on me, because biology. And I resented it as much as you do.

Not the point really, but I'm interested in how your dh is working part time when you are on maternity leave?
I know I did resent dh a bit when he was part time and I was full time (for the free time he had), not sure how I'd feel if I was on ML at the time!

I'm not quite sure what you mean, how is he part time - he's been part time since DD1 was born. I usually work full time but obviously not while on mat leave.

Just that being part time is usually for childcare reasons, which don't apply at the moment - I suppose for me there only being one part time wage coming in would add to resentment, but then that depends on your maternity package I suppose!

My maternity package is very generous, but the whole reason he's part time is because I want to work full time and he doesn't. Childcare costs wise we'd only be about £100 better off at the end of the day if he was full time.

Also, I'm only off work for 6 months before we swap over to his SPL, and i want some quality time with the baby so want our toddler to remain in nursery - it would be v disruptive for her routine to change completely for a few months and then change back!

I'm the main breadwinner in our house and have been for the majority of our relationship, and DH's willingness to go part time allows me to keep a career that I love and to continue progressing. I'm very grateful that he's part time, there's no resentment here. Prior to getting pregnant we built up savings to see us through the period of lower income, there's no financial strain or resentment here.

My DH really isn't doing anything wrong guys, I promise.

Well why did you have a second child with a small age gap if you were going to gripe about the implications of doing so?

You've admitted you've got a lovely setup and yet you're whining about something that's self inflicted.

What self indulgent moaning.

There is a reason I'm saying all of this online, anonymously, rather than in real life. As I stated in my OP, I do know I'm being unreasonable. Thanks for sticking the boot in though, I hope getting some of that venom out of your system helps you sleep better.