How do I get over the resentment?

[MolliciousIntent]

Haven't posted in AIBU because I am absolutely BU.

For context, I have two DDs, 2.5 and 3m. Currently on mat leave, EBF, neither ever took a bottle. I haven't been for a night away for three years, unless you count ones for work while pregnant, which I don't. DH is fabulous, works part time, does more than his fair share of the cooking and cleaning, is a brilliant man, husband, father, etc etc etc. Can't fault him.

And here's the bit where I'm unreasonable. He plays a sport that means he's out all day on summer Saturdays, and he goes out one night a week with his mates, and he has the odd weekend away for a stag do or a lads holiday. All completely normal stuff and I don't have a problem with facilitating that. He'd 100% do the same for me.

Except I can't go out for 10 hours, or go to the pub for the evening, or go away for a weekend, because I have an EBF baby. I don't want to stop BF, I absolutely love it, and baby doesn't take a bottle anyway, so it's not really an option. I'm just so sick of the fact that between pregnancy 1, BF DD1 for a year, lockdown, pregnancy 2 and now BF DD2, I haven't had an actual night out/off since 2018. This isn't his fault. Like, at all. But I'm finding myself so resentful of him going out when I can't. He's super sympathetic and has promised that as soon as DD2 doesn't need feeding all hours I can fuck off for a long weekend, but GAH I still feel so angry and hard done by every time he comes home at midnight after a nice night out.

Any tips? I'd regret putting him under the patio as soon as I did it.

@ouch321 That really was uncalled for.

OP, no practical solutions I'm afraid but I also breastfed for a year (and two weeks!) so I totally get where you're coming from. and I was a single mother

I did breastfeed in public when necessary though but always had a shawl covering my boob and baby!

Have you tried going away for the weekend or on holiday as a family? Obviously you’d still have to feed the baby and wouldn’t be able to go completely wild, but a change of scene and a bit of adventure might still help? I’ve been pregnant and/or breastfeeding for the last 5.5 years but continued to travel etc with the kids and it was great. If it’s a kid-free dinner out you’re after, maybe you could even take a friend or grandparents with you so they could babysit if you just wanted to go out for dinner nearby (e.g. in the same resort) and then you could quickly go back and breastfeed if you needed to?

You aren't BU, your feelings are totally valid and understandable.
Ignore the comments about 'it's your choice to breastfeed soo suck it up', you're being very gracious about it but this misses the point.

You need to have a big think about what is going to fill your cup and top you up. Sure, maybe going away for a weekend is top of the list, write it down even if you can't do it. What about other things - is there anything that could increase your sense of freedom a bit?

Don't let the resentment fester, it can take you too dark places eventually.

Having EBF babies can make you feel very trapped, especially if you are used to being out of the house working and having fun. And especially after lockdown now you are seeing other people get back to normal.

Can you plan something small to do, right now?

I had a friend with a baby, when the babies were young we used to literally run to our nearby pub together to buy a glass of something soft when the babies went down to sleep in the evening. As they got older and would go longer without a feed at night, we would knock back a small glass of wine, and then switch to cola, then sit giggling while we waited for a Husband to call one of us home because a baby needed feeding.

Also - and I know it is not the same - but you could get a family member to babysit the toddler and you and DH go out with the baby in tow. A nice family-friendly pub garden, breastfeed, baby sleeps in the pram? Depends what the pubs are like in your area.

Third tip I'd say is have a really nice daytime bbq at home. Invite friends over. Budget it like a nice meal out (don't do too much making) and DH can cook. It is a nice way to change things up.

Last tip, make plans for when you can go out... book a theatre, make a bucket list of restaurants.

@IndigoNZ1 this is a really good idea, we haven't been away since DD2 was born but did with DD1 and it was lovely, maybe we should get on that idea.

So many people have given me so many helpful suggestions, thank you all so much. It's really useful to know as well that I'm not the only person feeling like this, was starting to be concerned that I might just be a massive bitch!

I understand how you feel OP, I have been pregnant and/or breastfeeding since summer 2018. I find that it gets a bit easier when baby can take some solid food, my youngest is 8m and now has a lunch in the middle of the day instead of a milk feed. You are only a few months away from that, could you plan a really nice lunch with some friends? It might seem far away but it will come round quickly!

Mine weren’t keen on bottles -
managed to express and move them to sippy cup style teats (like
pic) instead really quite early on which was a godsend - you can get really slow flow ones for tiny ones! I’ll qualify this by saying mine
are 17 and 19 now so advice may have moved on! It seems unending now but you’ll look back and realise this phase doesn’t last forever. Your hubby sounds quite supportive too so that’s lovely - and you are doing a lovely thing for your babies. It’s ok to give them both breast and formula if you feel it will make life more manageable though, don’t beat yourself up, do what works for you all x

I feel the pain. It is hard to not feel a bit resentful. Bf can be lovely but it's only something you can do and it can feel a lead weight at times!
People will just say pump (sometimes more effort than it's worth if they don't drink expressed!) or change to FF but you don't want to. You're trying to do a nice thing for your baby but it's still bloody hard!

Solidarity here also. It's not forever!(although I'm still bf 20mDD 🙃)

I hate when people say their baby refuses a bottle. If you dropped dead tomorrow the baby would eat wouldn't it? Babies don't let themselves starve.
Express some milk, hide upstairs and get DH to feed the baby.

I had a baby that would not take a bottle, and gagged on dummies. I managed to find a sippy cup with changeable mouthpieces, and one of them was softer . I got him to take some formula from that, and then when he was weaning too, I was able to leave him for longer.
I get your frustration, but it’s not DH’s fault, you’ve just got to hang in there until baby can be fed without needing you.

AIBU is a brutal place, OP. Especially when it comes to breastfeeding. 🙄

You're doing an incredible job and it's SO tough, especially when your DD is still so young and needs feeding so frequently at the moment.

I felt like you, OP. I BF my second until he was 2.5years. I was running on fumes but was holding on until he started nursery at 2. Thought once he was there I'd at last have 2 mornings to myself to start to refill my cup.

We went into lockdown 4 weeks before he started. It was hellish but I'd spent so long thinking that what I needed was a weekend away. Alone. And after that I'd feel recharged. What I found out much later that it was as simple as taking the afternoon to go shopping. Even doing the food shop alone helped.

Your DD is still so little but break it down; it's only 12 weeks until you can introduce solid food and open cups. She will be much more physically capable in 12 weeks too. Things start to get easier once they start taking solid food.

You've got this OP. 💪🏼

This time passes so quickly, it'll be over before you know it. You're just going to have to work on dropping the resentment as this is a really temporary situation. You've got so much good stuff going on. I bet there's not a mother alive who didn't feel tied down at some points during parenthood.

Well yeah, she probably would take it, after several hours of screaming, but I'm not willing to put her through that. It seems unnecessarily cruel to me.

@Charlavail

Thanks for explaining about your set up OP though you didn't need to, I was just being curious.
I don't get all the "just formula feed then". Mothers who formula feed are still very unlikely to be having weekends away from their 3 month babies! So I don't see how that is the magic cure.

I think you’re simply seeking acknowledgment here. Which is grand.
Obviously you’re sacrificing your freedom and free time to breastfeed which is your choice…but you don’t have to be over the moon about the set up. I hear you.

Fwiw you’re doing better than I did. I really struggled with the bind when breastfeeding. I felt miserable and had two on formula by six months and the third not bf at all.

You’ll just have to be patient.

I EBF both of our children.

I just looked at it as being able to be chilled at home without any pressure to go out. And the getting ready etc. But this was not just after a two year lockdown pandemic.

So could you feed baby, and then escape for an hour for a swim/run/bike ride?

Baby steps?

I would definitely look into some time away before school holidays.

I used to flick through SKY sports in the wee small hours when I used to feed fascinated that there seems to be live sport of various types going on at all times somewhere on the planet! Or read with one hand baby in other.

This part of parenting will be over in a flash.

Or get him to buy you a lush, shaded, garden breastfeeding chair you can close your eyes and pretend you are in Tuscany in the summer when he is off sporting.

@ouch321 What a nasty response! It may well be self inflicted but generally you breastfeed because it's the first option for your baby and you want to do something that's meant to be good for them. Parenthood is a series of 'self-inflicted' tasks to be honest. It is ok to feel resentful. OP isn't taking it out on her partner simply noting the unfairness at times and wanting to clear her chest to anonymous people.

First, decide about risking nipple confusion. But if you do want to try a bottle Mimjumi is the closest to nipple. They are really, really good bottles and release milk slowly as the breast does, so it's closer to nature, better for the gut.

Do you say that to people who complain about their job?

Well, you chose to work!

lol

I've been where you are. I feel you. It's dreadful, I was so resentful. And the "this too shall pass" advice is as equally frustrating when you are in it. I wouldn't repeat that time over ever again.

I have been in your exact position with EBFing. Wanting to do it but being so resentful of how tied down I was, the never ending job of it, how draining it was and also a demanding older DC.Neither of my DC ever took a bottle either and people telling me it was my choice pee'ed me off so much. I tried until we were all worn out! It's a very hard time for you right now. It will improve in small increments. I stopped with my last DC at 18 months and I'm so proud of myself lasting so long but I was also SOOOO ready to be done. I also handed all night time wakings to DH for a year after it! You will get to freedom again OP ❤️

And you have had some terrible bitter response on here which are uncalled for and unhelpful. Ignore ❤️ You can choose to do something you think is for the best and still moan about it FFS

Definitely being unreasonable !
Your choices to EBF ( My DC never had a bottle either as too much faff )
It is restricting, but your children won’t be EBF for ever-