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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mil overbearing

45 replies

icecreamcart · 20/05/2022 17:37

Is it doable to work full time (flexible workplaces) with small children (primary aged)?

I want to put my foot down now so I can take my foot off once I'm older and they're older/need more emotional support.

Mil loves to put a downer on us managing as a family. We're busy but we're happy.

She says we'll struggle once they are in school and I'm working full time. She says it's a hard age and that I should't be working full time. I'm always so deflated coming from their house and it makes me not want to contact her.

She's always ready to help but I feel smothered. It's not my life the one she wants me to lead. I don't know if she's just anxious or what.

OP posts:
WhenDovesFly · 20/05/2022 17:43

I worked full time with both mine at primary and didn't struggle. If you have a supportive partner who does his share then it shouldn't be an issue. Millions of women work full time while raising children. Your MiL needs to drag herself out of the 50s.

mnnewbie111 · 20/05/2022 17:44

How odd! Don't you know anyone who works full time with kids at school? It's not just doable, it's normal!

pinthehammer · 20/05/2022 17:44

Tell her it's none of her business.

Original poster
icecreamcart · 20/05/2022 17:44

My husband is really supportive and he encourages it.

OP posts:
Original poster
icecreamcart · 20/05/2022 19:25

I'm nervous going back to work and she's really making it difficult. I've come off social media for a break but I feel bad about doing it. I just want to be left alone. She's overwhelming. I get messages everyday as well. I've had enough.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/05/2022 19:36

How are you receiving her messages every day?. Is your DH passing them onto you?. Tell him you do not want to hear it if he is doing this.

Do not give into her emotional blackmail ever here. If she cannot behave decently then she should be seeing none of you as a family. Emotionally healthy people have no need to smother others.

What does he think about his mother’s behaviour?. Is he a man or a mouse when it comes to his mother, is he saying, “well you know what she is like” etc. you may also want to read Toxic In-laws by Susan Forward to further understand the power and control dynamics being played out.

morebiscuitslessdrama · 20/05/2022 19:54

Get the woman out your head, her negative attitude is her problem.

You do you, go back to work, communicate with your partner and set your MIL some boundaries. It’s like people feel the need to tell you their views on your decisions?! Mine used to comment on everything then one day I just turned round and was like we are two very different people and I don’t need to be told or given advice by anyone who isn’t living my life.

She soon backed off.

WhiteSage · 20/05/2022 19:58

She’s an emotional vampire…you need to distance yourself from her…plenty of parents both work and manage, and so will you.

Original poster
icecreamcart · 20/05/2022 20:13

@morebiscuitslessdrama yeah you're right. Thanks for that.

OP posts:
NewandNotImproved · 20/05/2022 20:31

Your job is a red herring. Don’t allow her to be overbearing. And get her son to put a stop to it. Block her messages or have them filter into a folder you don’t look at, she doesn’t need to contact you directly anyway.

Presumably you already correct her and tell her to direct her opinions to her son.

layladomino · 21/05/2022 08:21

It is very possible to work FT with small children. It's quite normal. I did it and no drama, no regrets.

The problem here is your MIL thinks she can dictate what you do. Avoid contact and make sure your husband either puts her straight or does the same.

DeskInUse · 21/05/2022 08:28

She's talking out of her arse. I really concentrated on my career after having dc, they key is to work with your dh and get good childcare. It's expensive, but I hired a nanny, it meant they dc were at home, I could come and go as I needed to, but would see the dc more as a result. I didn't reap the financial rewards when they were younger, as I spent it on childcare, but I am now as the dc are older and more self sufficient.

MrsCooper2 · 21/05/2022 08:42

Totally doable. Ignore your mil. I was a single parent with zero help from ex or family and I worked FT with 2 preschool children. My youngest is about to start secondary school.

We let too many people dictate what the right thing to do is when it comes too our families. You decide what's best for your family and don't apologise to other people for it.

Porcupineintherough · 21/05/2022 08:52

Is your dh the sort of supportive that means he'll do homework w the kids at weekends, sort costumes for world book day, finish early to drive them to swimming, take days off with a sick child - or us he the sort of supportive that means he's happy to support you in doing everything?

It is of course perfectly doable but your MiL is right, it's really tough. My least favourite things were that rush across town at 5.30pm to reach afterschool club that finished at 6pm, or feeding them dinner in the car on the way to Beavers/Scouts/whatever. And I was only part time w a v flexible employer but dh was out of the house 7am-8pm and everything was down to me in the week. Full time would have killed me.

billy1966 · 21/05/2022 09:09

Block her.

Tell your husband that HE had better sort his mother out as you have had enough of her negativity.

You need to step away from this woman who is dragging you down.

Your husband can visit her with the children but you need a break.

She is not a good person and YOUR choices are none of her business.

strawberry2017 · 21/05/2022 09:14

I do it, it's not always the easiest but if your work place is flexible then that's a massive help.
She sounds almost jealous.

Original poster
icecreamcart · 21/05/2022 09:24

It's flexible work , public sector with family friendly policies. I do think she has our best interests at heart but I'm a mid 30s grown woman. I know what's best and things have changed from when she was a working parent. Boils my blood that she's anxious. She'll also say things like, I'll be over to sort these weeds out. It's annoying and suggests we can't care for ourselves.

OP posts:
Original poster
icecreamcart · 21/05/2022 09:25

My dh is supportive in the way he'll do half.

OP posts:
Hoolahulahoop · 21/05/2022 09:29

Block her. Day your phone is out of action. Let dh deal with her. I couldn't hack my mil ringing everything with negativity (she used to ring daily checking did dh leave for work safely and return- it did my head in). So now he rings her on the way from work.

Hoolahulahoop · 21/05/2022 09:30

Say

Bonbon21 · 21/05/2022 09:34

... and tell her to mind her own business re the weeds!!!

NewandNotImproved · 21/05/2022 11:39

So? Tell her ‘no.’ Or get her son to.

Holly60 · 21/05/2022 15:36

To be honest - it's really tough. But of course if it's what you want/have to do then you will make it work.

If you reframe your thinking to 'she is anxious FOR me', rather than anxious ABOUT me' does that help? To be honest she sounds like a worrier who has your best interests at heart.

Could you just be honest to her and say 'MIL I appreciate you just worry and want the best for us, but you worrying about this out loud makes me nervous/anxious about it too, which isn't helpful as it's something I'm going to just have to get on with.'

I had a mother like this, and the more reassuring and blasé I tried to be, the more Insistent she would get, like she thought i hadn't thought it through. The minute I said 'yes mum I'm worried too but I've got to do it', she would back off as she realised I had actually considered it carefully.

ChoiceMummy · 21/05/2022 18:38

@icecreamcart
It sounds to me like she's trying her hardest. She sees something you're not on top of, like the weeds and doesn't pose it as an issue but gives the solution - her helping you. Try reframing!

Working with children at school is hard. Family friendly policies or not, it will be hard. There's no way you can work full time and not need either family or wraparound care. Likewise its unlikely that you'll be able to attend the presentation assemblies as they're short notice, ditto other school events. How many pick ups a d drop offs do you want to do? How many will you be able to do? It's a hard juggle, and no matter how those who don't do them dismiss them, they're important to the children and important to have a relationship with the teacher.
That's before you add in that full time means you'll never be around for 13 weeks school holidays. Will then be spending weekends catching up on everything so quality time is even further reduced or you're even more stressed trying to juggle everything not to impact on the time.. That's before we get on to school sicknesses etc.

I think that mil is being honest and rational about rhe situation. If you're that stressed now before starting this and have had to come off social media before this is the reality, what will it be like when it is?

Original poster
icecreamcart · 21/05/2022 19:38

It's hard being fully responsible for the home too.

OP posts:
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