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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Mil overbearing

45 replies

icecreamcart · 20/05/2022 17:37

Is it doable to work full time (flexible workplaces) with small children (primary aged)?

I want to put my foot down now so I can take my foot off once I'm older and they're older/need more emotional support.

Mil loves to put a downer on us managing as a family. We're busy but we're happy.

She says we'll struggle once they are in school and I'm working full time. She says it's a hard age and that I should't be working full time. I'm always so deflated coming from their house and it makes me not want to contact her.

She's always ready to help but I feel smothered. It's not my life the one she wants me to lead. I don't know if she's just anxious or what.

OP posts:

Holly60 · 21/05/2022 20:19

icecreamcart · 21/05/2022 19:38

It's hard being fully responsible for the home too.

So is your MIL actually wrong?? It sounds like you might actually be feeling the same as her- is she voicing some uncomfortable home truths? it definitely WILL be very very hard to work full time, look after children AND be wholly responsible for the home!

OzziePopPop · 22/05/2022 08:21

Well your DH could always go part time… just a thought? Why does it have to be you that gives your career up??

bouncydog · 22/05/2022 08:30

Well if she wants to come and sort the weeds then let her - it will free up yours/husbands time to do something you enjoy. I have always worked full time. My mum would pop in and do some ironing occasionally which I viewed as helping not interfering. A combination of childminder and grannies each having little one a day each worked for us. Then they shared the school pickups with myself and DH. Let her help - it doesn’t mean you can’t cope - just gives you time for a bit of leisure time when not working!

Original poster

icecreamcart · 22/05/2022 08:52

@Holly60 of course she's not wrong. It is going to be difficult but it's what we want to do as a family. We don't need the "it's going to be difficult....(so you better do something else) comments.

True @bouncydog.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/05/2022 09:35

If she comes over to your home to "help" (and she is not offering you help) you will feel further deflated in your own home. You indeed do not need her well its going to be difficult (so you should be doing something else i.e. what she did) comments. Many of my friends worked full time when their children were the ages yours are now and they all managed.

What does your H think of his mother's behaviour?.

Original poster

icecreamcart · 22/05/2022 09:39

He just thinks I should ignore.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/05/2022 09:43

Re your earlier comment:-
"She'll also say things like, I'll be over to sort these weeds out. It's annoying and suggests we can't care for ourselves".

Indeed it is and this will just be the start of yet more from her if you two permit her to sort the weeds out. Set boundaries to protect yourself and to preserve your well-being.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/05/2022 09:43

He is correct but he cannot use you either as some sort of buffer between he and his mother because of his own discomfort.

BeyondMyWits · 22/05/2022 09:48

I agree with your DH... she is just one person - ignore... or kill the negativity with positivity.

Every comment about it being hard "I enjoy a challenge" change subject. She's coming to sort the weeds "thank you so much, I love that you will be able to teach the kids about plants" change subject.

shiningstar2 · 22/05/2022 10:11

Of course the years when they are young and you work full time are sometimes a struggle but you don't need someone reiterating this to you in a negative way. There is a difference between ' these years are the most difficult but plenty of people manage and it will he good for you to get out of the house and keep your career on track. I will help by being your stand in childcare if you need it so you don't have to worry about child sickness' and 'oh this is going to be a disaster. It will he too much for you and not good to or dgc'.
You are lucky to have a flexible child friendly job to go back to op. If you reply to messages ext just say that on repeat ...one sentence then change the subject. Don't explain your reasons or motives. Just that sentence then something like 'have you seen Lizzy lately' Anything which gets the subject off you

Just a thought...do u have your childcare arrangements sorted op. All this negativity isn't because she is worried about how much childcare she might be asked to do? Annoyingly she might be trying to put you off for this reason instead of having a frank conversation about what she is prepared to commit to?

If she isn't being asked to do anything then she has no business commenting at all on your plans if she can't be positive about them.💐

Throughabushbackwards · 22/05/2022 10:19

We both work full time. Our garden has weeds and our house is often a bit untidy. Our children are thriving and we are all happy. Your MIL likely thinks she has good intentions but she sounds very judgemental. I'd say you need to block messages and tell your DH to ask her to butt out.

EATmum · 22/05/2022 10:19

Every time say "yes, you're right, DH may need to go part time if it's too much." I suspect she won't think it's as critical that he makes the same sacrifice.

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 22/05/2022 10:27

How hard do you want to put your foot down?

You could talk to her and explain to her that her constant care and attention is having a negative affect on your being a parent, a wife, an individual. More bluntly, she is infantilising you and your DH is allowing her to. If he can't or won't break free of that last apron string then you'll have to do it for yourself.

What you describe would drive me up the wall. My weeds, my work, my problems.

If she has a key start by taking it back!

ChoiceMummy · 22/05/2022 12:12

icecreamcart · 22/05/2022 08:52

@Holly60 of course she's not wrong. It is going to be difficult but it's what we want to do as a family. We don't need the "it's going to be difficult....(so you better do something else) comments.

True @bouncydog.

If you're so certain that you're making the right decision, then nothing that anyone else says would make you change your mind or doubt it. The fact that you are expending so much energy on this makes me think that actually you're accepting her points are valid and you don't wish to acknowledge this to her. So you could just say, yes I think you could be right, but we're going to give it a go and then review of necessary.

If you think that being fully responsible for the home when on maternity leave is hard, wait until you're literally on your knees pulled in all directions and feel you're failing at everything. That sadly will be the reality of your choices. They maybe fleeting moments but they'll happen and you won't being full time have any wiggle room to really change anything.

But it's your choice. Have the conviction of your actions. And embrace the help that mil is giving rather than seeing her as the enemy.

KnowButNeedU2TellMeAsItIs · 22/05/2022 12:32

We both worked very hard in the childrens earlier years and I feel like they need us more now - they need us to be present so I do make sure that one of us is around when they come home from school - jo phone calls, mo meetings just around and available.

With regard you MIL has she always been like this?

It would drive me nuts with the calls etc and I think going to work FT will mean that you are not available for her. That’s probably the issue. You need to step back and become really crap about responding to texts/emails/calls and get you DH to contact her and say ur really busy can he help. She will get the message.

And it’s your family your choice. Do what is right for you all and change it as you wish too - this conversation does not include anyone else so don’t open the conversation and then close it down when it comes up.

KnowButNeedU2TellMeAsItIs · 22/05/2022 12:33

I should add my kids are teens now.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/05/2022 12:37

Why is she so involved in your life, and why on earth are you messaging with her? Get her off your phone and your sm accounts immediately.

Also, why are you solely responsible for the home? Why isn't your husband doing his fair share?

Original poster

icecreamcart · 22/05/2022 14:08

@ChoiceMummy they're both hard. I've been a sahm. At least you are paid when you work outside the home.

OP posts:

FinallyHere · 22/05/2022 15:01

It's not my life the one she wants me to lead.

Smile and nod. Tune her out.

Don't let her get into your head.

Holly60 · 23/05/2022 21:22

icecreamcart · 22/05/2022 08:52

@Holly60 of course she's not wrong. It is going to be difficult but it's what we want to do as a family. We don't need the "it's going to be difficult....(so you better do something else) comments.

True @bouncydog.

So could you not voice this to MIL 'yes you are probably right it is going to be tough, but I really need to do this for x,y,z reasons. We'd really appreciate your support with it too, so please could you try to be positive about it'

Maybe if you are ignoring it or brushing it off she thinks she needs to try extra hard to get the message through. Which would be irritating, I agree.

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