I need to leave to protect DS but don't know how

[PhoenixRising23]

Sorry if jumbled, trying to post quickly before DS wakes.

Have posted about DH under different username previously. Feel too ashamed that I'm still with him to continue posting using that username. Ongoing emotional abuse, silent treatment etc. Naively thought things were better and put my head in the sand, but things worsening again. Am currently 8 months pregnant, need to leave, nowhere to go. Have tried Women's Aid / Refuge numerous times but in the nicest possible way I haven't found them much help, and if anything they've further fuelled my fears that DH will be entitled to shared custody.

My reason for posting is to ask how do people weigh up when considering leaving an abusive DH how to best protect your child/children? He can be horrid to DS (2), shouting and swearing etc, and I always think, if he's like that in front of me, what would he be like when I'm not there? I'm not perfect by any means but the incident that has tipped me over the edge was a few nights ago DS was refusing to go to bed, as toddlers often do, and was reaching up to touch DH's face/beard. DH snapped at him "if you do that again I will pinch - I will grab your arm" (he stopped himself after saying pinch as if he didn't mean to say it but I felt really shocked). Last night when again DS didn't want to go to sleep, DH kept saying to DS angrily "close your eyes" and DS would say "awake", and DH snapped "you're not arguing with me". I struggle to speak up to him because he gets so angry, turns everything on me, gives me silent treatment etc. Everyone thinks he's wonderful, dad of the year. I just want to protect my son, and baby number 2 but if we leave then I'll be opening the door for him to have unsupervised contact so I feel trapped.

What do I do when I go into labour - no childcare options and I don't want to leave him with DH? I don't particularly want DH in hospital with me either, he caused me so much stress the first time round. Basically if I leave then if anything he'll be seeing DS more, and I worry I won't be there to protect him. But equally I want us both out of this living nightmare. Can anyone advise please?

Hopeful bump.

Can you talk to your midwife at your next appointment?

Start with talking to your HV or midwife. Just text them and say you are in an abusive relationship and are worried for you and the children. Just take the first step today.

You don’t need to feel ashamed that you haven’t taken a step yet. That’s completely understandable and normal but you know staying with this man isn’t the right thing to do.

Sorry no advice but didn't want to read and run! Especially as I'm currently in a vet similar situation!

DH has absolutely no patience with DC or dogs and since finding out I'm pregnant with an unplanned 3rd baby, he's even worse. But like you, no one else sees it, and think I'm making it all up!

I'm desperate to get out with my DC and dogs but financially I'd struggle and I know he'd fight me for at least 50/50 custody of the older 2 😢

Do you have any family you can stay with? Preferably in a different area to where you currently live. If you are able to stay elsewhere until baby arrives, it will give you time to look at longer term options.

You can't stay with this man OP as he is clearly a danger to your children and you need to protect them. As said above, take the first step today and speak to your midwife/HV. If you reach out for help, you will find it.

If you don't and the abuse towards your children continues, you will risk losing them altogether. Please, just take that first step. Good luck

You need to document the abuse so you have proof of his behaviour. Contact family support worker ASAP. Not only will they be able to give advice and support but also it will work in your favour that you contacted them and will serve as evidence of abuse when it comes to proving it at some point.
You really need to take step by step and be prepared when the time comes to leave.
Many women have been through it and came out on the other side. You can do it OP.

Your shame is totally misplaced; if anyone should feel ashamed here its your abusive H and he does not feel shame let alone any remorse for what he is doing to the people he purports to love. It can take several attempts for people to finally leave.

Have you sought legal advice re divorce or custody in any form here?. If not I would look into this as soon as you are able. The Rights of Women organisation could be helpful here too; the link is here - rightsofwomen.org.uk/

Do you think that such a man would actually be bothered about his children going forward; he is not all that bothered with his son now and is furthermore nasty to him. These types of abusive men often shout about wanting full custody etc but basically do that to put the fear of God into their chosen target and or otherwise to keep her in line. They also use the kids as weapons against the mother because she's had the utter cheek (in his eyes) to leave him, this all perfect specimen.

Abusers too can be quite plausible to those in the outside world but abuse also thrives on secrecy. Do not keep this a secret any longer.

You cannot protect yourself from his abuse, let alone either child here whilst you are all under the same roof and they seeing you being abused will damage them emotionally. They in turn are being abused also. Far better to be from a so called broken home than to remain in one. What do you want your children to remember about their childhoods and what will they remember if you choose to stay with him because you've buried your head in the sand yet again or its somehow "easier"?. Fear of him, money worries, fear of the unknown to name but three of many reasons people stay with their abuser but they are not reasons to remain with him.

The first step out of an abusive relationship is often the hardest one to take and you have to do that on your own; it will become easier once you take that all important step out.

I was in a similar position last summer, albeit I don't think the aggression my ex DP showed my son was as bad - but he got very hands on, shouting and generally aggressive with our DS.

Document everything that has happened to date, both to you and to your child. Don't worry about dates specifically, just a general overview of how he behaves in and around the house, the types of behaviours he displays, why you are afraid of him physically and emotionally. If you have specific incidents of harm, document them in detail and if any evidence (photos etc) then keep them safe.

I would recommend speaking to your midwife ASAP, or HV if possible. I know you've not had a good experience with Woman's Aid, but there may be a local DV service that may be more helpful - if you search for your county (e.g. Kent) and domestic abuse there may be somewhere you can refer to. If not, try and speak to Woman's Aid again and outline your fears, all evidence of these types of calls are good evidence when it comes to separating.

I can't guarantee that your DH won't get shared custody - unfortunately, that is a decision that a court usually makes, but you can collate this evidence that can be presented if that time comes. As worrying as it is, unless there is a real, persistent safeguarding issue that would lead to supervised access, the chances are your children will see their dad on a semi-regular basis depending on how involved your DH wants to be. My ex DP sees our every other weekend and whilst I was terrified initially because my ex doesn't seem to "get" our DS and is often snappy and abrupt with him, I know he does love him and want the best for him. I can't say I agree with his parenting style though. I don't like when my DS goes to his, but in time you do get used to it, and there comes a time where if your DH is routinely crap with your DC, that your DC will make the decision (and it'll be honoured) not to see him anymore.

Sending

Thank you for all of your replies. DH had a day off yesterday and didn't speak to me all day, because I woke at 5 and he woke at 9, and he was angry I didn't wake him, although he'd never said he wanted waking. At one point I was holding onto the worktop in pain (have SPD and have been having braxton hicks) and he just sighed and said "what's the matter with you" and when I told him I was in pain, he said "well you should have woke me this morning".

I don't know whether to hang on till baby is born, as that could happen anytime really. I have no family or friends to stay with nearby or elsewhere. I can mention to midwife when I see her next week. Ultimately the fear of him getting shared custody is keeping me here, because no one else sees him for who he is, and as a PP said above, her partner gets unsupervised contact. He is a doting dad in the company of others.

He most probably will get shared custody of both children, but would he realistically want them 50% of the time ?
Are you going to breast feed your baby ? In your situation I would as baby will need to be with you to feed on demand.
You need to tell your MW and HV, they will help you leave if you want to. Tell them you have safeguarding concerns with your children due to his temper, threatening physical harm, and that you are scared of him.

And if you are ever scared of DH, or think he’s going to hurt you or the children, dial 999.

Would he really want shared custody by the sound of it he can't be arsed being a dad and might be happy seeing the dc an hour here or there . Really hope you sort something , what an awful situation to be in .

Have you sought legal advice re divorce or custody in any form here?. If not I would look into this as soon as you are able. The Rights of Women organisation could be helpful here too; the link is here - www.rightsofwomen.org.uk

Do you think that such a man would actually be bothered about his children going forward; he is not all that bothered with his son now and is furthermore nasty to him. He is unlikely to be bothered with his kids going forward because he will see them as interfering with his time. These types of abusive men often shout about wanting full custody etc but basically do that to put the fear of God into their chosen target and or otherwise to keep her in line. He's probably gone on about 50% of the week as well, that's done mainly to avoid paying child maintenance. They also use the kids as weapons against the mother because she's had the utter cheek (in his eyes) to leave him, this all perfect specimen.

You need a plan of escape and you need to put this in place asap; do not delay until your second child is born. Can you contact the midwife/GP today?. Indeed as KangarooKenny states, tell them you have safeguarding concerns re your H because he is abusing you (and in turn your son and he will also start on your as yet unborn child too).

Never be afraid either to dial 999 if you feel at all afraid in your own home. Your own recovery from his abuse of you will only properly start when you are free of him.

Remember too that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Sorry, I'm back again. DH has been behaving "normally" for a while so I naively thought things had settled down.

Last night he was very angry that DS wouldn't go to sleep. I was sat reading a bedtime story with DS and he shouted at me that I was not to read him any more books, ranting at me while I was trying to calm DS and then punched the wall. Then was trying to rock DS to sleep and DS was becoming distressed and screaming but he wouldn't hand him over to me. I know DH has depression but I really can't support him when he won't help himself and I do not need this behaviour and atmosphere so close to my due date. I don't like the thought of leaving DS alone with him but also have no one else. Sorry I just needed to get this off my chest.

Also not really relevant I guess but DH went out for a meal last night with a friend which he's started doing weekly. I haven't stepped foot in a restaurant or bar since before DS was born, but when I tried to mention it he said I go to play groups with DS so it's the same thing. I don't think it is at all. But as I say I'd be reluctant to leave DS alone with him even more after his display of behaviour last night, so doesn't matter anyway.

have you family or friends who can have you temporarily? He might initially say that he wants half custody but the responsibility in reality might lead him to request only a day or two a week. He might find that he is better able to cope with the children after having most of the week to himself and knowing there is an end time to his child care responsibilities. However you can contact the police if you have any incidents to report

Absolutely share all of your concerns with your midwife, they are trained to help with these situations.

Please speak to your midwife today. Ring them (or text if you can't ring) and tell them you are in an abusive relationship and scared for your families safety.

Punching walls is domestic abuse. His behaviour is escalating. It's a wall today but tomorrow it could easily be you or your DH.

The bit about him refusing to give you your DS is chilling. My ex husband did a similar thing with our DS when he was a tiny baby and I still remember the horror. He would also punch walls. These men are abusive and do not care about their families. You cannot stay with this man. He will destroy you and your DC chikdhoods.

As I see it, you have 2 choices here :

1. Stay with him, and you and both your children can be abused by him 100% of the time (And it's clear that whether you're there or not, you cannot control/minimise his cruel behaviour to your DC, and they will 'witness' every cruelty done to you too). Your DC will grow up believing that all adult relationships should be this abusive, because it's their 'normal'.
2. You take steps to leave by confiding in your HV and midwife, knowing that whatever future home you provide for your DC will be 100% abuse free. You will know that your DC have a SAFE place with you. Right now, nowhere is safe ! It's also the only way they will be able to form 'normal' relationships themselves in the future, because you've shown them what that looks like.

Although he may be granted access to your DC, this may be limited to 'supervised' access if you can demonstrate he's a danger to the DC, so report EVERYTHING to both your HV AND your midwife ! (Especially the 'pinch'/'grab your arm' type abuse as well as the shouting/threatening/punching walls etc)

You can protect your DC BETTER when you are providing them a SAFE and LOVING home.

You can do this. You and your DC deserve to live a happy life, and you CAN have it.
Be brave. Be the Mother your DC deserve. Be the woman you deserve to be.

You need to rally together all the family and friends you've got. This is when you need them most even if you're not particularly close or they live far away. If one of them were in the same situation I'm sure you'd want to help.

Things will be a lot easier if you've got people supporting you. You do not need to do this alone.

Your midwife should be giving you the opportunity to disclose any abuse at each appointment. Tell your midwife. Particularly about the wall punch. Take it from there.

This situation won' t ever get better, your just stuck in same old cycle.
You have to think to yourself "l got myself into this mess and l can get myself out", and really believe it. The sooner you take the first steps the sooner you can get re settled and put all this behind you. This is no way to live, you are capable of leaving him and having a much better life, its natural to feel fearful but don't let that stop you, push through it, its uncomfortable but doable, and only temporary compared to all this stress and anxiety your going through now. Bite the bullett, fresh start and don't look back. You and your children deserve more.

So your child is already witnessing and being subjected to abuse - that is how your husband became an abuser. Because the adults in his life didn’t act in his best interests.

you don’t have to instantly hand the children over to him if you leave. Get yourself to a safe house, let him fight you through the courts.

unfortunately you are stuck in the nice/nasty cycle of abuse - each time he thinks you are pulling away because of his behaviour he acts nicely but he can’t keep it up for too long so he turns back to his normal self.

the guy will not change. The best thing you can do is get away from him.

you will definitely have local dv services

please don’t let him near your son at bedtime for the time being. Two years olds are not compliant at all and trying to terrify them into being compliant is dreadful. The first three years of a child’s life really shape who they become