is this ok?

[pinguthepenguin]

Something that came up tonight. Trying to let go of things and move on, but been dwelling on this particualr fact and not sure if I should react.

Exp left when our child was 2months, other woman involved. I knew he takes DD into other womans company when he has her ( to the park etc, she has a child also) He admitted tonight he has taken DD to stay at her home. I'm so hurt, dont know if to react or not, trying to make an effort to let go. She is only 6 months old.

Tell me what to do

I think that is totally inappropriate. Your dd is too young and I would not want my dd to be introduced to someone else after just a few months - he should wait until his relationship is more established. I think you should establish some ground rules now. If he stays with the OW then that is different but it would be wrong for your daughter to be introduced to someone too soon.

Agree

While he has her he should concentrate on her alone not on his new relationship. Ask him if it is ok for you have your new man to stay over and that you would repsect him to confine it to times when you did not have your dd.

I don't think he will be giving dd the attention she needs if he is trying to establish a relationship with this woman at the same time. It's possible but ideally a baby needs his full attention and I bet she won't be getting it while he's at other woman's house

God some woman make me so angry
How could she get involved with someone who's partner is pregnant when she has a child of her own? She must understand what u were going through etc
She must also know what you will be feeling being separated from a baby so young.

as far as your ex is concerned, he should be trying to build a relationship with his DD as his top priority

having said all this, some people just arent as responsible when it comes to children & new partners and maybe at 6mths, it wont matter to her - it will just be someone daddy is with.
my ex would have introduced OW str away but I made him wait 6 mths after hed left b4 I allowed her to even meet my children.

6 month old babies need a LOT of attention, and the new woman must be either joining in and treating your child as her own, in which case it will be extremely confusing for your dd if she gets close to her and then they break up etc. which could happen.
Or the woman might be saying to your ex all the time, 'FFS can you leave that baby alone and pay ME some attention' or that kind of thing...or he might be quite happy to leave the baby alone while he pays her attention.

None of these sound like particularly good scenarios to me.

the thing is- this has been a long and painful situation as it is. I decided yesterday I needed to try to moce and spoke to him about it. It was during this talk that he opened up for the first time and admitted he had taken dd to sleep there- I'd never have known otherwise
He left when dd was months, ow and him did nothing physical, but they laid the foundations ifyswim. She knew me as well

This situation is made harder, given that we are all in our late 20s/early 30's, professional people with half a brain. Its beyond me that is happening at all. She also has a child- how confusing for him to ahve my DD and new man at his house?

The thing is, when he told me last night, it was in amongst other stuff, and I was kind of just relieved that we were talking at all. I agreed that we needed to be a bit kinder to one another as the situation was becoming unberable. If I bring this up again after agreeing to 'move on', I fear we'll end up at square one, and I dont want to. He is quite unreasonable.

I asked him if he'd like it if I brought a man into our child home to sleep so soon. His answer? 'I'd trust your judgement, you should let me do the same'.

How could he? How could SHE?
what do I do?

I think the issue here pingu is that you are upset and hurt bu your ex's actions, justifiably, so anything you do about this situation is based on feeling hurt, rather than real concern or worry for your DD.

I doubt a 6 month old will be confused by someone else being with her dad and then leaving if the relationship doesn't last.

I do think a person can look after their 6 month old's needs, give it lots of attention, and still work on other relationships and stay at other people's houses. I often stayed the night at friend's houses when DS was a baby, it meant I could chill out with them, watch a DVD, have a nice meal, and look after DS. At that age they sleep anywhere, I don't think it will confuse her.

I think, as hard as it may be (but from your other posts you definately have your head screwed on properly!) your ex may be right, you need to let him trust his judgement. If you have concerns that he may not meet your DD's every need, then be worried, but if he is a loving caring father with genuine concern for his DD's well being you need to start trusting him with her. AFter all, presumably he wants to be a part of her life so you've got to get used to passing her over to him and letting him decide what is and isn't appropriate.

Sorry for playing devil's advocate, I would feel the same way as you in this situation, but the feelings are from your own hurt and feelings of rejection right? So maybe the best thing would be not to react. You offered an olive branch, now bite your tongue and be relly reasonable. And set down some groundrules now, just make sure they are based on what is best for DD XX

Sorry that sounded like I thought you didn't have real concern or worry for your daughter obviously you do, you sould like an amazing woman by the way, from your other threads and have my respect.

OMDB- You're very reasonable as well, ad I think I probably am speaking from an emotional viewpoint rather than a practical one. I did offer the olive branch- and in fat started a thread on here yesterday seeking advice on whether I should or not. It was during this talk with him that it came out about my child sleeping there. I reacted at the time, although only briefly because I was keen for the conversation to continue- he has the habit of flouncing out the door if he is challenged at all.
I just feel that sleeping there is a whole new ball game. He takes our child once a week- why take her to ow's house? Whats the need? and why keep it from me? I feel I've llittle control over the situation though- so maybe I don need to let it go, as was my previous intention. I just wasn't prepared for him throwing this into the mix.

I simply cannot get my head around the fatc that this woman suggested him and our DD sleeping in her house. How many women would do that?

check out my typos!

Hi Pingu, I am sorry that this is all so painful for you. It must be really hard. But I do agree with what OvermyDeadbody has said.

I also think it is great and important that you and he are communicating, you have done the right thing in offering the olive branch, and I think it is better for you that he is able to be open with you about where and what he is doing with your DD then being secretive because he feels he can't discuss things with you.

Thanks Pages,

Would you take up with a man who had such a small baby, no matter how plausible he sounded, would you be abe to get past the fatc that he had left his 8 wk old child?

curious

Is it because it's her house? Are you ok with her staying at his house with DD there? I don't mean to be unsupprtive but it seems to me that if you agree he has the right to have his child to sleep over then he shouldn't have limits on where he takes her and who he spends his time with (unless there is any possibility of harm to your DD of course).

I dont put limits on him, and you're right pages that he should be able to spend his time as he pleases. Theres just somthing that feels wrong about it being in her house, in her bed, with our child in a cot next to them.

Actually, I did once have a relationship with someone who had left his wife and 3 children, and I am sorry if that makes me sound like an ogre but I am not one. He did not leave her for me but I have to admit they hadn't been split up long. She was also hurt and upset initially that I was around her dc but eventually she told people she was glad because I was more reliable about looking after her dc than the dad and she didn't think her dc would get to see their dad if it wasn't for me. I was with him for 5 years and was really upset at losing his dc when we split.

I was very young then. I wouldn't take up with someone with a young baby (am happily married now anyway) but not necessarily for moralistic reasons, only because I would think that someone who left his baby at 2 months old wasn't a very good bet for a future partner. It is a really tricky one. I am trying to answer your question honestly. I know that it must really hurt and really feel for you.

Pingu, keep crossing posts with you, and yes I agree, there is something about it that doesn't seem quite right - but I don't know if I mean that in a morally judgmental way. More really that I think your DP has problems and if this woman wants a serious relationship and committment with him she may yet have all the hurt you are now feeling to come....

Do you mind me asking was the baby planned and how long had you been together beforehand?

the baby wasn't planned no, although we were happy when we got over the initialshock. We'dbeen together over 2 years by then, so over 3yrs in total by the time we'd split.

I guess the fat that the baby wasn't planned is a bit of a disclaimer for him, and one that he's shouted alot about since he left 'the baby wasn't even planned anyway'- you get my drift.
It hurts alot that he speaks this way, because we were not unhappy, and the the childwas created in a loving relationship- planned or not. I hate the fact that he's now using that fact as something to add weight to his reason for leaving.

My ex is 37 years of age, and you would think he'd have been ready for a child- he said he was. He's had several long-term relationships in his life- isnt really alone for long ifyswim, but they've ultimately not lasted (obviously). He is by no means a serial womaniser, is in fact socially inept around woman tbh, which makes what he did worse, as it was VERY outof character. I may well ahve to accept that he wasn't as happy as he led me to believe.
I dont particualry know if he is a poor bet for this other woman. he certainly wants to be in relationships and have one tht lasts- it just hasn't happened yet for him. I may that she is the one (this is something I've tortured myself over), given that he was prepared to do what he did in order to be with her. Who knows?

hat I do know, is that our situaiton was painted unfairly and untruthdully in her eyes- it had to be in order for a seemingly intelligent and nice woman to be ok with it. I imagine it went along the lines of:
"She was pregnant with a child that wasn't planned, we weren't getting along and I tried my best to stick it out, but realised I couldn't in the end, I have the right to be happy too. I'm so sad to be leaving my child behind, but I don't believe in staying together for the sake of children, and I'm not shirking my responsibilities to DD anyway".

Sounds fairly plausible huh?

Hmm, depends. When I split with my ex DS was 8months and DD was 4years, not long after we split he got a new gf and he used to take the DC's to ehr house, I knew this and told him it was fine as long as he didnt confuse the eldest with talk of girlfriends etc he had to just say they were friends.
I met this girl, and she was nice, she was certainly more responsible than him and I felt safer when the kids were with her then just him!
But like I said it does depend on the situation, this girl came along after I had ended the relationship.

Pingu, he sounds as if he is trying to convince himself... he probably feels incredibly guilty deep down.

I know it is really hard, having a young baby is hard enough anyway without all the other stuff you are having to deal with. I have to say you sound really mature and reasonable and I think you are amazing to be coping as well as you are.

If I were in your position I would probably want to yell and scream and tell him what an arsehole he is.... but I'd like to think that what I would do is to take a step back, retain my diginity as far as possible and try and maintain a civil relationship with him for all your sakes, and surround myself with a good support network, and wait and see what happens. Things change.

how do things change pages?

I think it?s very difficult, because I think that as mothers we often can?t bear the thought of someone else fulfilling that role in our children?s lives. I have no personal experience, but I do know that if ever anything happened between me and dh, I would find it very hard to see my ds going off to be with dh and any new woman he might end up with, and that new woman being a mother figure to him.

But at the end of the day people do move on, whether that be right or wrong, they move on and they end up in new relationships, and if there are children involved then those children do become a part of those relationships too. At 6 months old your baby will not know any different. She won?t know if they split in 2/3/4 months time, because babies just don?t have that level of understanding. If you and your xp are consistently a part of her life, that is what will matter to her the most.
Also, your xp has been entirely honest with you about staying at his gf?s house while he has your dd, and frankly if he didn?t tell you that,you would never know. Better than a friend of mine who found out her xh was sleeping with ow just two weeks after they split as her 2.5 yo son came home from an access visit and told her that daddy had been in bed with someone when he had previously denied ow?s existence.

If you are striving for an open honest relationship, then it will always be best that you encourage this sort of communication, after all, which would you rather, that he told you he was with ow and dd at same time? Or that he lied to you and left you believing he was at home when he was with ow.

oh, and as far as support network goes....I live 400 miles from my family, have noone at all t help out with DD apart from him, so I'm stuffed. I have to get along with him.

He knows all this as well- that there isn't anyone to help me. Sod

wannabe- you're right- I do want an open and communicative relationship- thats why I spoke to him last night and asked him to try and let everything go. It was during this convo that it came out- I guess I just wasn't prepared for it.