is this ok?

[pinguthepenguin]

Something that came up tonight. Trying to let go of things and move on, but been dwelling on this particualr fact and not sure if I should react.

Exp left when our child was 2months, other woman involved. I knew he takes DD into other womans company when he has her ( to the park etc, she has a child also) He admitted tonight he has taken DD to stay at her home. I'm so hurt, dont know if to react or not, trying to make an effort to let go. She is only 6 months old.

Tell me what to do

Cross posted with you again Pingu. Maybe not a serial womaniser, but maybe a "serial monogamist" with committment issues...

The scenario you painted may well be how he has portrayed it to her and even how he really sees it (or has convinced himself he sees it) but does it really matter what he has told her? What matters is what you know, your own truth about it. I have to say he sounds like he has a few problems and she may well be his next victim. But try not to sit around waiting for that to happen to prove that it wasn't something wrong with you that made him leave. It wasn't. You sound like a lovely person and crap things just sometimes happen to nice people.

You may yet find true happiness round the next corner and realise that this all happened for a reason.

Pages- you speak sense. I know I need to let go, and to let go of my need for the truth- because I wont ever get it from him. I think I am just worried that he will give DD his skewed and hurtful version of events in years to come, and I don't want that to happen. He says he will tell her the truth- 'that he was unhappy, left the relationship, but that he did nothig wrong in doing so, because he didn't leave DD- he left me'. ( How textbook can you get???)

I know I can always give her my truth- but who's to say she won't believe his? As I say- he's a very plausible man, you would have no reason not to believe him if you ever had a chat with him!

I suppose I just have to hope that when it does come out, DD will be given the facts as they are and form her own opionions.

As for the situaiton with taking DD to sleep in her house, I can see that there isn't anythign I can do. We are all different- I personally would never encourage a man I've not known that long to being his new baby to spend the night at my home with my child as well. But then- I also know I wouldn't take up with a man who'd just had a child. I guess I have to accept that she has her reasons for doing so- and let her get on with it, however painful it is to me now.

Thank you x

Pingu, FWIW, of all the people I knwo that have grown up with separated parents, the story they beleive is the one that mum often doesn't tell them.

If you just say to your LO that things happened, and you split up, and be as placid as you can about it, then they're likely to take that on board as the truth.

TBF, if your ex wasn't happy and left you, but not your child, then surely him telling her that isn't a problem?

I can understand you're unhappy about this, but she is his DD too, and he does have a right to tell her his version of events, which to him may well be that he was unhappy and felt he could no longer continue the relationship.

By the one that mum doesnt tell them I mean they find it easier to believe dad was an arse if it isnt continuously spouted from a bitter womans mouth but something they grow up and realise within their own mind.

VS- IMO he cheated. He did not do anyhting physically with this woman, but they laid the faoundations in every other way. During this time I was nursing a 5 weeks old baby, and he was making my life hell because he wanted out- but didn't know how to. When he did end it, he was with her practically weeks afterwards, and they are now solid. It isnt as simple as him just leaving because hewas unhappy- although I take on board there must have been an element of that in order for him to turn his attentions to another woman. No- he behaved very badly indeed, and subsequently continued to do so afterwards, despite my vunerable state.

It isnt that I want DD to have the ugly truth, and I'm sorry if this makes me sound awful- but neither do I want her to have his edited version of the truth either. He wants to have his reputation in tact- and still denies that this woman had anything at all to do with our split. He did however,admit last night that meeting her had 'sped things up a bit' (his words). I dont believe that we would have parted had he not met her and rightly or wrongly- I dont think DD should be completely protected from the shortcomings of her father.

Thats is not to say that she will grow up hearing me spit vitriol about him- far from it. I will tell her the truth though, when she asks, why her father left her at birth.

Because he did leave her. Sory- but I dont buy into this crappy disclaimer and unbrella term that weak men use to be excused from their bad behaviour: 'I left my wife, not my child'. 'Its better for the children this way' blah blah. It sucks. Few women get these quick get-out clauses.

No, pingu, he didn't leave her, saying that will just lead you to heartache because when DD is old enough she will realise that people shouldn't stay together for the sake of the children.

Tell her about the other women by all means if that is what you wish to do, my DC's know their father was violent, they know he has been in prison and they know he is an alcoholic that also takes drugs. But they also know it wasn't anything to do with them, I left him because I didnt want to live with a man like that anymore.

I didn't 'take them away' from him, anymore than your EX 'left' his DD.

If your child grows up believing her dad left her, in her head it's possible it won't be that he is an arsehole, but that she isn't worth staying for

I truly believe the best thing for you to do is just say he wasnt happy with you and that he met someone he thought would make him happy so he left. Leave it at that, anything else she will decide for herself.

I agree with what wannabe says and if you meet someone else, Pingu, then your ex-P will in all likelihood experience similar feelings to you.

So sorry that you don't have much support. You really have got it tough.

How do things change? Well, funnily enough, I posted about that on another thread this a.m ("has anyone left their DP when still madly in love?")

The father of three that I got involved with was my most important relatoinship until I met DH, we split because we knew we werent right for each other, but like your ex, he was a bit of a "serial monogamist", and he immediately formed a relationship with my best friend (I don't think he would have let me go unless he had her waiting on the sidelines tbh). So in a way the hurt that his ex-wife had felt when I got together was revisited on me. I am not saying it was "karma" or anything - just that he was just not emotionally mature, and I thought that I could be the one to succeed where his wife had failed (arrogant I know, but I was young). I left him after 5 years because I knew this and knew that he wasn't a good person to have kids with and invest my future in (I knew this instinctively because of what he had done on leaving his wife and kids) but I still loved him. So it was incredibly hurtful when my best friend then got together with him, presumably thinking she could be the one to succed where I had failed... anyway she moved into the house I had lived in and decorated etc with him, became pg by him within a year and I left town.

I was very lonely for several years, then I met DH and am very very happy with him. He is much more suitable for me, we have a shared outlook, he is loyal and reliable and completely depndable (all the things ex-P wasn't) and made me feel secure for teh first time in my life.

Meanwhile, ex-bestfriend and ex-P split after his usual 5 year cycle and when I bumped into her a few years back she was very bitter about him, said he never saw or bothered with his DS, etc etc. I think she has now met someone else and is happy again but it took her a while.

Maybe this is a bit of a tale of "What comes around goes around", I don't know, and I have explained it in very simplistic terms because I don't hate ex-P, I still think he was a nice guy and I don't regret our relationship... but he was immature and didn't take responsibility very well. He now has 5 kids with 3 different women. I think he too is happy now, though, and no doubt has matured with age as I know have I...

Maybe all I am trying to say is that there is sunshine after rain and you will be happy once again.

Cross-posted with you again Pingu and now have to go out, but will be back to catch up later... your ex sounds quite similar to mine.

You're right pingu, but as pages said, things change, your DD is only a baby now, so it will be quite some time before you even need to start telling her the whole truth about what happened. In that time you will change, you will mellow, get over hoe appalingly your ex treated you, and move on. The bitterness will pass with time, and then whatever you tell DD won't be filled with bitterness and anger towards her father. There is nothing wrong with telling her the truth, but don't worry too much about him telling her a completely different story, he too will mellow, feel less angry and bitter, and build a strong loving relationship with his DD to the extent that he won't want to see her hurt or upset, so is unlikely to apint a bad picture of you to her, especially if you both stay amicable which you are doing a really good job of starting.

The hurt will diminish with time, trust me. If it helps, write her a letter now explaining what happened, just the facts rather than emotions too, and if you still want her to read it when she's 14 give it to her, if not, just rip it up.

I really feel for you, I'd find it very hard to share DS with his father, let alone another woman.

Just reads your other post, if you tell her he left her at birth, then victoriansqualor is right, she will grow up thinking she is not worth staying for, or that she did something wrong to make him leave. Do not burden her with the responsibility of feeling like she did something to make him not stay. Even if you think that, she doesn't need to think that. She doesn't need to feel rejected, or useless, or bad. That's all telling her will achieve. As an adult woman she will make up her won mind about her dad based on her relationship with him throughout her life. Does it matter if he left when she was born if he then supports and loves her? (obviously it matters to you, I'm just talking about your DD here)

While I agree that the father doesnt leave the children, if the father lies about why he left how does that help?
my ex was kicked out & went str back to OW but HE told my DS (3.5) at time that he wanted to move nearer to his job.
THat confused my DS who kept asking me if daddy could get a job nearer, would he come home.

Im afraid that just recently I have told DS (now 5.5) that daddy left because he wanted to live with his GF and didnt love mummy anymore. I havent slagged him off - just stated the truth and DS now feels much happier about it all as he has stopped asking if daddy can come home.

also I think that while it doesnt matter whether Pingu's ex left when DD born or months afterwards, to say that it doesnt matter if he loves her now is a little naive.

I do get a bit fed up with people thinking its ok to be a part time dad/mum just cos they got fed up with their partner (or got found out)

I know there are plenty of good reasons for leaving (abuse, alcohol, neglect etc) but sometimes the abandoned partner who didnt see it coming wants someone to say "yes he/she treated you badly and they are behaving badly to you from guilt"

Mistressmiggins, like I said, the truth is fine, in fact it is the best possible solution! If ex leaves because he wats to be with someone else, then fine tell the DC's that, but so long as they realsie that choice was between two women not a women and his child.
My DC's (Well, more DD, DS doesnt even rememebr his dad) know that Ex and I split ebcause he chose to lvie his lfie a way I didnt agree with ie drugs alcohol etc and that I didnt want it for me, or for them so we split. DD also understands that her dad doesnt see her often at all because he is silly, and overall not the best of people, she knows he has been violent etc but I've told her that has nothing to do with her, some people just think differently eyc.
Above all, she knows that he is human and humans are fallible, that's as honest as one could be IMO.

sorry xpost, I agree though, he has been an arse and he has hurt the OP, regardless of whast effort he makes now towards his DD.
pingu can choose what kind of person she wants her daughter to grow up thinking she is though, a woman who though hurt put it to one side to try and enable her DD to have a decent relatioship with her father, or a bitter one that was desperate for her to know how awful her father was.
Same with the father, the DD can grow up thinking he was a bit of a prick for leaving her mum when she was so young, and for another women, or think he was justitifed cos her mum is always horrible about him.(I know thats the extremes but it's a good way to think of it )

quite agree VictorianSqualor and that is I why I said that there are good reasons for splitting up

I was just pointing out that for some of us, our exes were just weak & selfish & think its ok to lie to children rather than explain he fell in "love" with someone else

I have never & will never slag off my ex or his GF to the chidlren but my DS is happier now Ive explained daddy left ME not him.

xpost again!!

misstressmiggins I agree your partner should have told DS the truth, and children should be told the truth, but as you said the truth doesn't have to involve slagging off.

But sometimes dads and mums have to become part time, what would you rather, that they stayed in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the children? I also think being unhappy with a relationship or not loving your partner are just as good reasons for leaving as violence, alcohol or neglect, whether or not children are involved. At least pingu's ex still wants to see his DD, lots of men don't bother and should be strung up by their balls for shirking their responsibilities.

agree with voctoriansqualor too, and with you misstress when you say your DS is far happier now you've explained that daddy left you and not him. This is what children need reassurances in , and if daddy's still there to love them, all the better.

OverMyDeadBody - Im probably finding it hard to be objective over this cos Pingu's partner sounds like my ex.
He wasnt unhappy at home BUT he worked away a lot & hates being by himself. He had also decided to end the affair but OW made sure I found out...and after that, it seemed too much effort for ex to try to repair the damage.
Im not being naive writing this - its actually true.

Done me a favour though as Im much happier with current DP and my ex seems miserable everytime I see him (his family think so too) Karma I think someone mentioned

Good post at 13:09 mistressmiggins, I agree.

All this being grown up stuff and is very madmirable and mature but you know what, it really hurts, and its fine to express that.

It's a difficult and painful situation anyway, but that is magnified when another person is involved. Lets not forget that please and saying "I'm bloody angry hurt and upset" is olk and not the same as being bitter.

I've been in a similar situation pingu and it's very difficult so I do understand. Like pages says you WILL be happy again.

And it's fine to be pissed off. Can't say I think much of a man who would walk out on his partner when their child is 8 weeks old but thats by the by isn't it?

Good luck to you dealing with this situation. It sounds like you are doing amazingly well when you've been through such a lot.

Thanks so much for youe posts- they help alot.

I realise that much of the viewpoint I have now is tied up in the pain and sadness borne out of this situaiton. I also realise that I wont always feel this way- and I wnt to make it clear that even if I was still angry in 10 years time (Hope not!), that I would NEVER tell my DD that her dad left her. I didn't mean for it to come across in that way. No- what I said I would do- is be honest about why herdad. HE is not being honest about why he left, not even to himself, and he claims that when he tells DD the truth, he will not even mention ow because she was 'irrelevant' to our breakup. Now, I dont for a minute believe this, and will tell our DD that her dad fell out of love with me and wanted to be with someone else, but that he of course, loved her and will always do so.
It is not my intention to regail my dd with stories about her fathers apparent awfulness- he isn't actally an awful person to be honest- he just let himself and us down badly at a time when I was least able to cope with it. This doesn't mean I intend on letting our child know every single detail, but Icertainly dont feel charitable enough to leave out the facts, in order to ensure that his reputation remains intact, and so that our daughtere opinion of him is never skewed.

I also want to add, that hindsight being the dangerous tool of analysis that it is- there is always the possibilty that over time- my ex will put a lovely whitewash over his behaviour towards us. I dont feel that he should be allowed to. People et hurt, move on, life sucks- I accept that. But why should I allow exp to sugar-coat his bad behaviour so that DD has a wonderful opinion of him?

Pingu, as ever you talk a lot of sense! You will get through this and the hurt will lift, there's no doubt about that.

Misstress I'm glad to hear you're happier now! Karma rules!

I started a thread a while back about karma and whether people believed in it- so obsessed was (am?) I about whether or not ex'x relationship with ow will work out.

There were some really interesting stories on there about women who'd been left in a similar situaiton, but who's ex'x had seemingly ended up more miserable than them, several years doen the line.

Made me smile