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Original poster

When do you consider someone a step-parent?

34 replies

bathsh3ba · 18/05/2022 13:41

Interested to hear people's views on when mum or dad's boyfriend/girlfriend becomes 'stepmum' or 'stepdad'?

Legally, I understand it's on marriage.

At my boyfriend's son's school, they consider someone to be a step-parent at the point of moving in with each other.

I suppose this makes sense because at that stage you would take on some of the day to day parenting. But at the same time, some people move in very fast, or move in with a series of people in turn, which could lead to a lot of step-parents over time, which might be confusing. Some children have a 50-50 arrangement but if you only see the child EOW are you a step-parent in the same way? If you choose to go out when your partner has the kids and don't do any care, does that exonerate you from step-parenthood?

I suppose I just think it's not as simple as living together.

Personally I don't consider myself to be a stepmum at this stage because we neither live together nor are married, so I don't really do much parenting but I'm not sure when I think the 'shift' would happen.

What do you think? Marriage/living together/a set amount of time/depends on situation?

OP posts:
tinydancer88 · 18/05/2022 13:47

I don't think there's one specific factor that promotes you to the position of step parent, I think it's about the relationship with/responsibility taken for the child. And I don't know if you can decide you're a step parent on behalf of the kids if they're old enough to understand, it almost feels over familiar and presumptuous to me.

I live with my partner but would never describe myself as step mother to his children (one teenager who comes EOW and once in the week, and a young adult who pops in or we visit her every other month or so). They were practically grown when I met them and I don't relate to them in a parental way.

A relative's partner does not live with him, but helps with taking his kids (late primary school age) to clubs/looking after them when they're sick and other things like that, so I'd say she was closer to step parent status than me.

tinydancer88 · 18/05/2022 13:48

tinydancer88 · 18/05/2022 13:47

I don't think there's one specific factor that promotes you to the position of step parent, I think it's about the relationship with/responsibility taken for the child. And I don't know if you can decide you're a step parent on behalf of the kids if they're old enough to understand, it almost feels over familiar and presumptuous to me.

I live with my partner but would never describe myself as step mother to his children (one teenager who comes EOW and once in the week, and a young adult who pops in or we visit her every other month or so). They were practically grown when I met them and I don't relate to them in a parental way.

A relative's partner does not live with him, but helps with taking his kids (late primary school age) to clubs/looking after them when they're sick and other things like that, so I'd say she was closer to step parent status than me.

When I say 'if you can decide you're a step parent', it's not specifically you OP, I just mean generally!

Angustiada · 18/05/2022 13:51

I don't think it can be on moving in together. As you said, some people move in very quickly. My exH moved his new GF after 3 months and after meeting the kids once. No way is she their step-mum! But... They only see him one night a week and EOW and she doesn't appear to do any parenting as such. I think it would be upon marriage tbh or when the children decide they want to use the term

Original poster
bathsh3ba · 18/05/2022 13:56

I definitely agree a child shouldn't be forced to use the term. There's a bit of that going on with my BF's son and his ex's new partner, he refers to himself as a stepdad and the son doesn't like it. (I know this because he's told me.)

I suppose I was thinking more when does society accept someone as a step-parent...

OP posts:
HelloCanYouHearMe · 18/05/2022 14:00

I think it depends on the relationship with the child. My DP moved in with me 6 months ago, we've been together about 2.5 years however, he works away and there isn't really a parent/child relationship between him and my DS or me and his DC. I wouldn't say that either of us see ourselves as step-parents to the others DC, certainly at the moment.

When my mum's partner moved in with us when I was a teen, it very quickly became a step-parent/child relationship - me and my brother became very close to him and would ask for advice and guidance. It was given in abundance with lots of support and encouragement and over the 24 years he was in our lives we very much thought of him as our DF and were distraught when he passed away

SoManyTshirts · 18/05/2022 14:00

I’d say on marriage if the children still live at home some or all of the time. I’ve been a step-parent twice, once to 100% resident children and once to adults - second one doesn’t count!

elp30 · 18/05/2022 14:00

My husband became my son's "stepfather" once we married.

My son has a partner and she is just that, HIS partner, and not a "stepmother" to his children.

My father had a partner for 28 years, after the death of my mother. They never married and I have never called her my "stepmother". She was "my father's partner".

GlitteryGreen · 18/05/2022 14:21

I personally think that mostly stepmum/stepdad is just used for sake of ease, to quickly denote the nature of the relationship.

I referred to my DP's children as my stepchildren before we lived together if I was talking about them to someone who didn't know them, just for ease. Otherwise I'd refer to them by name as friends and family knew who I was talking about.

Now, we have been together nearly 8 years and despite not being married, I would always refer to myself as having 2 stepchildren in conversation.

DenholmElliot · 18/05/2022 14:24

I'd say on marriage.

Sideorderofchips · 18/05/2022 17:40

When the kids accept them as a step parent. Not before.

Soopermum1 · 18/05/2022 17:52

DP and I have been together 5 years. He’s moving in next month. DD’s Dad isn’t particularly on the scene so DP has done a lot of parenting and he and DD are pretty close. She’s recently started referring to him as her stepdad, so we’ve gone along with it.

Oizys · 18/05/2022 17:57

For me it’s either At marriage or when it’s a committed long term arrangement and they’re living together and the “step” parent in question has a relationship with the children.

although it also depends on the child and step parents preferences. My husband has been my eldest stepdad officially since he proposed to me and we then got married. my eldest always refers to him as his stepdad.

his dads wife has been in his life longer (his dad got with her 2 months after we split and I met my husband when he was 4) but my eldest doenst call her his stepmum because she doesn’t want a parental role or to be a stepmum. Which is fair enough

Imsittinginthekitchensink · 18/05/2022 18:07

Agree it's relationship dependent. My father's partner will never be my stepmother. She's nice enough, but she's not part of my family and I would not give her a familial title. My dd's father lives with a woman but she is just a woman he lives with, she has no relationship with DD so isn't really anything.

Didimum · 18/05/2022 18:08

A school can’t decide what a step parent is.

Overthewine · 18/05/2022 18:10

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Overthewine · 18/05/2022 18:13

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Teddansononmyown · 18/05/2022 21:30

I think if kids are old enough, they get to choose the term that best suits them.
DD calls my partner her stepdad. We've never referred to him by that term-she has a (shit) dad already-but it's what she's chosen for him. Tellingly, her dad's GF is just known by her name. If she decides on calling her stepmum it's her call but I would not be happy if she was told that the title of stepmum was expected.

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 19/05/2022 00:00

@Overthewine that’s odd. My DSD has her Mum and Dad fully involved (50-50) but both are remarried. She calls me her stepmum and her mums husband her stepdad. Why wouldn’t she?

spongedog · 19/05/2022 00:18

Sorry OP I think you might be slightly confused. Under Education Law there is a definition of a parent and it is a lot broader than anyone might realise. I sometimes think it covers nearly every adult in the country but not quite.

3rd bullet under who is considered a parent. It is different to parental responsibility.

www.gov.uk/government/publications/dealing-with-issues-relating-to-parental-responsibility/understanding-and-dealing-with-issues-relating-to-parental-responsibility#whoisaparent

Tiredandfedup22 · 19/05/2022 00:24

My mam and official "step dad" have been together 20 odd years, but I still call him by name and my mams husband.

I do occasionally refer to him as step dad to others and these days we have a good relationship, but I had a dad, I didn't need a "step dad", it's a non role to me.

TossCointoYerWitcher · 19/05/2022 01:25

I coparent 45:55 with my ex. She informed our primary school age kids her boyfriend was their stepdad and his kids their step siblings pretty much within a year of him moving in (which was also when they met him as it was when lockdown started). They get on with both, so they’re cool with it, but think it stems as much from her wanting to reestablish a new “family” unit. Must admit it personally chafed. Being told repeatedly by your kids they have a “second dad” when said person does very little in the way of actually parenting them isn’t exactly Fun City.

Moser85 · 19/05/2022 01:54

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 19/05/2022 00:00

@Overthewine that’s odd. My DSD has her Mum and Dad fully involved (50-50) but both are remarried. She calls me her stepmum and her mums husband her stepdad. Why wouldn’t she?

It's odd because she was calling them her stepchildren before they even moved in together "for ease". Would have been just as easy if she said "my partners children" etc.

altmember · 19/05/2022 02:30

You become a step parent when you take an active role/responsibility in parenting the step children. Living together, marriage, any set length of time, or other criteria is irrelevant.

Ponderingwindow · 19/05/2022 02:56

What does that mean from the school’s perspective? I can designate anyone as an emergency contact or as a person authorized to pick my child up from school. Only a legal parent is authorized to access student records though and is given a login to our school’s system.

i personally think someone becomes a step-parent when they earn the role through duty and love. Even marriage doesn’t necessarily truly make someone a step-parent and marriage is not a necessity.

ThisThreadCouldOutMe · 19/05/2022 03:12

I think it depends on the nature of the relationship between the potential step parent and the child/ren.

My Mum remarried when I was 18. I was adamant that her DH was not my step dad. I had a dad and didn't need another one. I always referred to him as "my mums husband." Then gradually I started calling him my step-dad for ease.
20 years later and I call him step-papa.

My DCs father is married. Our DC don't call his wife their step mum because she does nothing for them and can barely conceal her hate for them.

But my now ex DP, who I wasn't even engaged to, let alone married, they did call their step-dad because he lived with us and contributed to their daily lives.