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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I Wrong?

32 replies

Katieg1009 · 18/05/2022 08:15

So this is going to be a long one apologies - me and partner have been together 7 years and engaged. The last few months have been rocky and in the last 3 weeks he's ended our relationship 3 times , I've now moved into the spare room.
Currently we're not together and he says he doesn't know what he wants, he can't give me what I want and that he loves me but he's not in love with me.

In the next moment he'll be hugging me, asking for us to go away for a few days to see what happens but then saying he doesn't think it's going to work and that it's not what he wants anymore. As you can imagine my head is confused.
I've naturally made plans with the girls to take my mind of things as my feelings have never changed for him.

He's now saying I've chosen my friends over him as a day I have booked for my friends birthday falls in the week he wanted to go away. Am I wrong for standing my ground? I pre-booked all my holiday originally around him and his work and now I'm being made to feel guilty about 1 day - saying that I clearly don't want our relationship to work if I go.

The house is going to be going up for sale and he keeps mentioning about just living as friends for the time being to see if anything changes....this has been going on for a good few months him not knowing what he wants and yet I'm the one that feels guilty. I've never once in our relationship ever given him doubt or insecurity , my feelings have always been stable. I'm now in the place where I'm trying to protect myself from getting hurt anymore but with him changing so frequently with what he wants I don't know whether I'm coming or going.

I could really do with someone else's perspective please as I think where I'm still in love with him and want a future with him I'm blinded by what's going on.

Thank you

OP posts:

Fireflygal · 18/05/2022 08:22

Absolutely not wrong. He wants you to focus on his needs and be available when it suits him. You are his security blanket.

The relationship has ended, you are selling the house. As painful as it night be, cutting him off will mean you heal faster.

How old are you both?

LoudingVoice · 18/05/2022 08:25

What do you want OP? This is all about him picking and choosing when he wants or doesn’t want to be in your relationship and the way he’s treating you is unacceptable.

Make your own stand on the fact this relationship is over, you’re selling your house - what are your plans? Where are you going to move to?

Put yourself and your own future at the forefront here, this is all about him, you need to think about yourself.

Electrox · 18/05/2022 08:28

He isn't committed to you but wants to keep you hanging on a string. He will be like this until he meets someone else. LTB

Original poster

Katieg1009 · 18/05/2022 08:35

Hey,
I'm 31 and he is 33. x

OP posts:

myuterusistryingtokillme · 18/05/2022 08:48

He doesn't know what he wants, but his actions over the last weeks/months indicate you should spend the time to think about what you want. Even if he decides he wants to get back together, do you? Could you trust he isn't just going to do this again in 6 months, 2 years, 5 years?

He isn't the king, he doesn't get to decide everything and you don't have to twist yourself into knots to try and make him happy. If you aren't together his happiness (or lack of it) are none of your concern, yours should be your focus

LIZS · 18/05/2022 08:50

Sounds like hard work. Sell house and move on.

7Worfs · 18/05/2022 08:53

Been in the same situation, and regret not dropping him then.
Walk away now because if you don’t you’ll just waste more years on him and it won’t be worth it.

Justcallmebebes · 18/05/2022 09:00

He wants a fuck buddy and a play mate at his disposal with no commitment on his part until he moves on to someone new.

I would get on with your life and make plans to move out as soon as you can. He's being extremely manipulative and very, very unfair to you. The sooner you make the final cut, the sooner you will start to heal

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 18/05/2022 09:01

He does know what he wants but he's too cowardly to admit it and go it alone. Your relationship is over and anything else from him is just string you along as his plan B. So enjoy your time with you friends and knock the hugging him and stroking his ego on the head. You are not his support human.

seensome · 18/05/2022 09:09

Take control of this and don't let him treat you like this, I'd get the house on the market and look to move on, sounds like he'll always be changing his mind about you.

Ourlady · 18/05/2022 09:13

Tell him to sod off. He’s taking advantage of your good nature and want to keep you hanging on a string. Don’t waste any more time on this user.

KirstenBlest · 18/05/2022 09:43

Sell the house and go your separate ways.

You are only 31. Don't waste time on him as it is over

OurChristmasMiracle · 18/05/2022 09:50

Honestly I would state that it is over, whilst you love him very much you cannot be with someone who is not sure what they want and are no longer in love with you.

the house is being sold, you are sleeping separately and you will be reaching out to your support network for support.

he shouldn’t be calling all the shots.

Shoxfordian · 18/05/2022 10:00

Take the decision that it’s over and start moving on from him; don’t let him mess with your head

Aprilx · 18/05/2022 10:08

The relationship is not going to recover from this, I cannot imagine myself and DH telling the other one that we are not sure what we want, you either know or you don’t. I think he is too cowardly to end it and also men sometimes wait until they have someone else lined up.

Go away with your friends. Maybe you should pull the plug yourself, which is what he wants you to do, shame to give him what he wants, but it is better for you too.

gannett · 18/05/2022 10:58

You are at least two breakups overdue for just ending this crap relationship for good. Why did you keep getting back together? Breaking up four times should be more than enough of a hint that this relationship isn't working.

Original poster

Katieg1009 · 18/05/2022 13:03

Thanks for your advice everyone.
I guess I'm just hoping he'll come to his senses and realise what he's throwing away (I know it sounds stupid) I guess I just don't like giving up on the 7 years we had together but I also know deep down that it's not right.

OP posts:

Zemw · 18/05/2022 13:08

Another women on the scene ?

Time for you to make the decisions. He's told you he isn't in love with you. Do you really want that ?

AryaStarkWolf · 18/05/2022 14:18

He's being very unfair and cruel to you OP, don't cancel your plans and don't be anyone's beck and call girl!

SpacePotato · 18/05/2022 14:26

He's keeping you there to prevent you from moving on until he has his dick in someone else's door. Or he has already done something and this is the guilty fallout.

Time to draw a line and make the decision for yourself.

He also probably thinks that if you are away with your friends that they will all be telling you to LTB too.

FatFilledTrottyPuss · 18/05/2022 14:27

Katieg1009 · 18/05/2022 13:03

I always read the thread title and answer to myself before it’s opened up. I read yours and my answer in my head was, ‘no you’re not wrong, he’s a twat.’ I think I’ve got it spot on here.
Forget about the 7 years you’ve had together, think about the potential next 70 years of your life and how you shouldn’t waste them on someone like him.
Look up Sunken Costs Fallacy and get rid of this man. There’s no reason at all why he should be calling the shots over you after all is there?

Hesheweeshe · 19/05/2022 07:08

Sorry OP this is really tough. I had a similar situation but i think i was your bf so maybe it could be something like this......

When i left my first longish relationship (8 years) i have to admit i was similar and its only reading this and looking back that i realise that.

i knew i had fallen out if love with my then bf but he hadn't done anything wrong, he was lovely, the relationship had just run its course for me. He still loved me and our lives were entwined (no kids) so it took me a long time to finally admit i wanted things to end, probably almost a year. That meant i had a year to gear myself up and come to terms with it. But once i eventually told my bf he was blindsided and completely devastated. This made me feel completely terrible as he was so hurt. i loved his family and we had a great joint friendship group and they were all sad and it was all too much for me . I probably (i did) behaved badly. He convinced me to give things a go and i tried to then carry on with him BUT it was through guilt, through feeling bad. I would be ok for a few days, as the relationship was safe and comfy and it was less painful to stay but he'd then try to kiss me or similar and i'd know again that i wanted out and it would all start again. I just remember wishing i could just be in love with him. But in trying to be nice (being a coward) i was a complete bitch messing with his head and prolonging the inevitable by months!

just wandered if maybe your xbf is just being too cowardly and is doing the same and what you need to do is take the lead.

good luck

Thistooshallpass. · 19/05/2022 08:37

Been there done that ...People who say they don't know what they want usually do know what they want and they are just too scared to commit to it .
I'd say he's had his head turned in some way but is scared to make the leap in case it turns out not to be as good as was what he's already got .
You need to get tough - never try and convince someone to be sure about you , let him go and cut contact . You deserve someone who doesn't leave you in doubt about what they want .

FlowerArranger · 19/05/2022 08:50

Don't get sucked into the "it's been 7 years!" sunk cost fallacy. This relationship has no legs. You are the placeholder girlfriend - you'll do until his true love comes along.

Also, the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech, coupled with the repeated cycles of breaking up with you and taking you back` (!!), points to another woman. (Google 'The Script'...)

You can do better! Rip the plaster off and chuck him out.

moomintrolls · 19/05/2022 09:09

He doesn't love you. And you don't love him, not really. Love requires respect. Do you really respect the way he is treating you?

He's yo-yoing with his information to you because he knows by doing this he can keep you interested, yet distant.

He's waiting for someone better to come along and wants you there as an ego boost while he waits.

He knows exactly what he's doing and he is working you like a fiddle.

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