Am I Wrong?

[Katieg1009]

So this is going to be a long one apologies - me and partner have been together 7 years and engaged. The last few months have been rocky and in the last 3 weeks he's ended our relationship 3 times , I've now moved into the spare room.
Currently we're not together and he says he doesn't know what he wants, he can't give me what I want and that he loves me but he's not in love with me.

In the next moment he'll be hugging me, asking for us to go away for a few days to see what happens but then saying he doesn't think it's going to work and that it's not what he wants anymore. As you can imagine my head is confused.
I've naturally made plans with the girls to take my mind of things as my feelings have never changed for him.

He's now saying I've chosen my friends over him as a day I have booked for my friends birthday falls in the week he wanted to go away. Am I wrong for standing my ground? I pre-booked all my holiday originally around him and his work and now I'm being made to feel guilty about 1 day - saying that I clearly don't want our relationship to work if I go.

The house is going to be going up for sale and he keeps mentioning about just living as friends for the time being to see if anything changes....this has been going on for a good few months him not knowing what he wants and yet I'm the one that feels guilty. I've never once in our relationship ever given him doubt or insecurity , my feelings have always been stable. I'm now in the place where I'm trying to protect myself from getting hurt anymore but with him changing so frequently with what he wants I don't know whether I'm coming or going.

I could really do with someone else's perspective please as I think where I'm still in love with him and want a future with him I'm blinded by what's going on.

Thank you

7 years is a long time in a relationship but maybe it should have been ended sooner? What you would be throwing away is a rocky relationship in which you partner is calling all the shots and leaving you dangling whilst he gets cold feet about commitment.

Sell the house, walk away and, if he comes back to you, review the situation. But right now it sounds like the relationship is in a death spiral & getting married to save it will just end in tears.

I agree with everyone else who has talked about the sunken costs fallacy. All he's going to do from here is cause you pain. Even if he does suddenly realise he loves you again, then it's highly likely he will pull this shit again too. And next time it'll be a little worse, and the time after it'll be worse still. Until he has you so twisted round his finger that knowing who you are and what you want is (beyond) a distant memory and all you'll be doing is jumping to his tune, all the time wondering why you aren't good enough.

It's sad that it's ended and I am sorry that you're understandably hurting, but if this is the way he's behaving then what you need to do is draw a line and walk away. Find some way to disassociate from him. Otherwise you'll be hurt even more. He'll keep pulling you back so that he can soften the blow for himself whilst not giving even the slightest fuck about how you feel.

If you stay with him, you will be in the same place as you are now, only it will be 8 years or 9 or whatever

It's hard but cut your losses and move on.

The phrase you want is “fuck that shit”. He wants you to prioritise him, be available on his timescale all whilst he “doesn’t know if he REALLY wants you”….. Fuck that shit!! 😡😡

Ditch the douche bag and enjoy a day out with your mates.

He's a head-fucker.

He's all over the place, back and forth, but the second you don't jump to his request to go away together (which I note is only to "see what happens" – no talk of actually taking any specific actions that might resolve the issues he's having, eg going on a couples counselling retreat), you're the one responsible for ruining the relationship.

I had an ex like this. Nearly two decades later he's still screwing with the head of every woman he gets into a relationship with, including a short-lived marriage.

Never be a man's back-up plan.

I'd bet my house on another woman. He is keeping you hanging just in case

My view is that he doesn't want to be with you but he also doesn't like being on his own and has someone on the side who hasn't fully committed to him so he's keeping you hanging around until she does.