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Original poster

How to help DB who lives in an online fantasy world?

44 replies

warmsoju · 18/05/2022 01:44

There's more than a decade between me and my siblings (brother's 21 and sis's 17). DB has been basically living in an online world for a few years now. Lots of tearful phone calls from my mum, screaming both ways, therapy for him, ultimatums from my mum, nothing works.

First year of uni, he would stay up till 6am playing video games and watching Twitch and would miss classes. Pandemic started, he failed all his modules, and decided to take a break. The problem now is that he is only 'looking' for WfH jobs and is spending all day playing video games. My mum calls me all the time at a loss because he's constantly rude to everyone, last week my sister was getting ready to go out with her boyfriend and he was making jokes about her dating a 'beta manlet' (direct quote from her).

Living with me to give him a so-called fresh environment is not a solution. A colleague of mine's late-teens son also chooses to spend all day online and refuses to do anything but online uni or online jobs, and I know of another friend who has a brother in his late-20s who have been doing the same for the past 10 years so it's not that uncommon, but what do you even do here?

OP posts:
Featuredcreature · 18/05/2022 01:47

Chuck him out and let him sink or swim I would imagine. If he's all about beta manlet shite he's probably a veteran of 4chan, home of male entitlement. He will just leach from anyone in proximity, so decrease that really.

SW1amp · 18/05/2022 01:50

Turn off the WiFi and stop enabling it?

you said he has done therapy… did it help? Did it give him some insight or perspective?
there has to be some sort of underlying issue, no one would deliberately opt in to this as their life

Featuredcreature · 18/05/2022 01:52

Lots of people opt into this life its available. I'm sure if chucked out he would be straight on to tinder to find a woman or man to suck the fucking life out of. If you have never met this kind of person, think yourself lucky.

Featuredcreature · 18/05/2022 01:53

*increase that, oops

SW1amp · 18/05/2022 01:54

Oh I have met a couple of these people (and my brother is borderline one at times) but they all had underlying issues and/or fragile mental health which seemed to be directly linked to them checking out of real life

as the brother has had therapy, i wondered if that was the case here as well

Echobelly · 18/05/2022 01:55

The 'beta' comment is worrying, suggests he's getting sucked into Incel stuff and should get help stepping away from that. There's probably advice online about what to do if you suspect that's an issue and maybe your mum should look into it, as that might give concrete suggestions for intervening.

TheWayTheLightFalls · 18/05/2022 02:06

Is he living at home, using mum’s wifi, electric, fridge etc? I’d find that pretty “beta manlet” and let him know that it isn’t what’s expected of him. The Wifi would be going off first thing, for a start.

Featuredcreature · 18/05/2022 02:07

If he's already well into the incel stuff, I'd say he is a, dyed in the wool misogynist. A female therapist will be manipulated and discounted. A male one might reinforce some preconceptions. You cannot keep pandering and pussyfooting around and expect him to change.

He's got it good and just has to be arsey to stop people challenging him. He will cling on till the end to not be responsible for himself. Unfortunately he will probably make it so far before people finally see him for what he is.

Weatherwax13 · 18/05/2022 02:09

He's reading incel crap. Which is very worrying in itself without any of the other behaviours. No wonder he's walking all over your mother.
I take it from your post that it's even been suggested he move in with you.
Excellent way for your mother to pass the problem on.
She needs to tell him to find his own place. Currently he knows that all she will do is in incessantly complain without taking action.
Whether she wises up or not is her choice.
If she wants to be permanently miserable living with an increasingly unpleasant son, watching him essentially fail at life, that's her call.
Please try to keep out of it from now on OP. This is so unfair on you.

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/05/2022 02:10

Someone is paying for the Wi-Fi. Don't. He wants his own, he gets a job, moves out, pays for it.

Featuredcreature · 18/05/2022 02:12

I was in a relationship with one of these, last time I saw him he was still financially abusing his loving grandma and depriving her of the use of her own car. BTW his mother actually bought a house for him, he neglected it to the point I could not breathe for mold spores. He had left the roof leak long enough that the bathroom ceiling was spongy with damp. He is a parasite.

Original poster
warmsoju · 18/05/2022 02:22

My mum convinced him to go for therapy right before he went to uni because during the last year of sixth form he was already basically playing games all day long. He went for a few sessions, all was looking good when he started uni. Maybe a month in he decided he'd become a full time streamer and started staying up for 'an American audience'. It didn't work out but nothing has changed.

OP posts:
Original poster
warmsoju · 18/05/2022 02:53

Changing the WiFi won't work. My mum tried that ages ago and he just used the birthday/Christmas money from our dad to buy one of those cheap unlimited data plans so he can use his phone as a hotspot. Mum gave in because she said she'd rather he ignore everyone 99% of the time than have to hear all his passive aggressive comments. 🙄

OP posts:
Featuredcreature · 18/05/2022 02:59

Exactly, he just needs to make a fuss to get his own way. Disengage, you can't help him, let your mum eventually come to the same conclusion.

Shedcity · 18/05/2022 04:10

He’s an incel scrounging off his mum.
why Is she calling you all the time at a loss when he’s a grown ass man in his 20s that isn’t paying rent. She needs to kick him out.

if he can’t be polite, pay bills, go to uni or work, why should he have free housing where he is upsetting everyone else in the house. Does he actually pay for anything? She is enabling him.

Andromachehadabadday · 18/05/2022 04:39

Unfortunately the incel shit is becoming a mainstream part of life. More and more men spending hours online, hating women.

You even see them here. I would agree he is spending a lot of time on these sites. It seems to show by men believe they don’t have to contribute at all (to society or their own lives) but that they are also above everyone else. Their entitlement goes above and beyond usual male entitlement.

At 21 he needs to move out and make his own way in the world.

Joessaysthankyou · 18/05/2022 06:15

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

gamerchick · 18/05/2022 06:55

Eviction notice. GTFO and make your own way in the world.

Tell your mother this and also tell her if she doesn't act then she's not to whinge to you anymore.

MexTP · 18/05/2022 08:29

He may have underlying issues and that’s sad to see in your own adult child. But letting him bring everyone down with his horrible attitude is not the solution either. Tell your mother to tell him to go, to put up or shut up, either way stop whining to you! Maybe part of her problem is she can’t “let go” as well, so is enabling him partly for that reason - but that shouldn’t also be your problem.

Acheyknees · 18/05/2022 08:54

So in essence, your DB is abusing your DM because she is allowing him to.
She should have laid some ground rules down before he moved back in after failing at Uni. But she didn't and she's now stuck in a rut with him.
I think she needs to tell he he gets a job, pays rent and helps around the house by the end of the month or he's out. And mean it. If it means packing his stuff up, she should do it. You all know if she pussy foots around him, scared of him, this is her life (and his) forever? The longer it goes on, the more withdrawn, angry and isolated he will become. Te to take action.

,

Original poster
warmsoju · 18/05/2022 12:13

The longer it goes on, the more withdrawn, angry and isolated he will become.

This is exactly it. I think my mum's at a loss. If she kicks him out he will essentially be homeless and she still (naively IMO) believes that one day he'll get a job despite him only looking for WfH jobs that pay above a certain amount. I think a part of it is also that she blames herself (after hearing him say countless times that it's her fault) for his twitch 'career' not taking off due to them being too 'poor' to afford a high end gaming PC/setup. Been telling her that it's all bollocks and he was never close to making it as he claims he was but she just feels guilty.

OP posts:
CharSiu · 18/05/2022 12:26

He is addicted to gaming, it’s a real thing like addiction to alcohol and drugs. The beta male comment does point towards incel websites or him mixing with these type of males.

I online game and am a clan leader and have met a few of these types of gamers. They want an online fantasy life because they hate their own lives, it’s dangerous. There will be a reason for his addiction, probably not known to your family. I am not a MH professional but due to a project I was involved with and also some voluntary work I have met people with addiction issues of all sorts.

I know he has tried therapy but with therapy the person has to click with their therapist on a level that’s hard to attain. It’s why therapy doesn’t always work the fit isn’t quite there , it doesn’t mean the therapist is bad or the person is not cooperating.

A therapist he clicks with can help him but he has to want to be helped.

veronicagoldberg · 18/05/2022 12:42

He sounds like an absolute oxygen thief. Your mother needs to stop enabling him.

standoctor · 18/05/2022 13:11

Dont pay for his food or wi fi give hi 6 Weeks get job or go to the council for emergency acommodation

SpacePotato · 18/05/2022 13:31

Funny how he calls his sisters boyfriend a beta manlet whilst he does fuck all except scrounge off his mum.

Bet he thinks he's a big alpha male.
Definitely incel talk. He will blame women for everything, including his mum and sister.

I'd give him a month to get a job or find somewhere else to live.