How to help DB who lives in an online fantasy world?

[warmsoju]

There's more than a decade between me and my siblings (brother's 21 and sis's 17). DB has been basically living in an online world for a few years now. Lots of tearful phone calls from my mum, screaming both ways, therapy for him, ultimatums from my mum, nothing works.

First year of uni, he would stay up till 6am playing video games and watching Twitch and would miss classes. Pandemic started, he failed all his modules, and decided to take a break. The problem now is that he is only 'looking' for WfH jobs and is spending all day playing video games. My mum calls me all the time at a loss because he's constantly rude to everyone, last week my sister was getting ready to go out with her boyfriend and he was making jokes about her dating a 'beta manlet' (direct quote from her).

Living with me to give him a so-called fresh environment is not a solution. A colleague of mine's late-teens son also chooses to spend all day online and refuses to do anything but online uni or online jobs, and I know of another friend who has a brother in his late-20s who have been doing the same for the past 10 years so it's not that uncommon, but what do you even do here?

Blaming his mother is entitled behaviour. Maybe related to his underlying mental health problems - his lack of reality. He’ll drag the rest of the family down with him. So there will be 3 or more struggling instead of 1.

Tough love, detach with love, all approaches that might help instead. Your mother can give him a month to find a job (any job), then another month to find somewhere else to live. Then out. Enforced ultimatums are the only thing that work - and there is as good a chance they won’t as well as will work for the sadly delusional young adult. However, letting him live at home in this parasitic way will definitely not help and will almost definitely make matters worse. Your mother should have pulled the plug at 18-19 IMO.

Chuck him out and let him sink or swim I would imagine. If he's all about beta manlet shite he's probably a veteran of 4chan, home of male entitlement. He will just leach from anyone in proximity, so decrease that really.

^* I think this response just nails it.

I lived a very similar life from ages 10-17. I would live my life on a computer in my own online world as it seemed a much brighter place. It was ruining my life, I dropped out of school at 12 and never had a proper education because of this obsession. I'm in my mid 20s and still have gotten nowhere because of the bad lifestyle I chose when I was younger. I had to physically pull myself away and went through the worst withdrawal, which you wouldn't think is possible with computers and gaming, but it really is. Sounds like he could possibly have ASD too. Seems very common for those with ASD to prefer living in a pretend online world. The real life is torture for me..

Sadly, I don't think there is anything you can do for your brother, unless and until he asks for your help. Your mum needs to kick him out for her sanity and his own ultimate good, but she probably already knows that.

What course did he start at University?

I think he needs time to mature as he is still in a teenage argumentative sometimes disrespectful mode. He might mature a bit more by the age of 25-27-28-30 or he might not. Hopefully, he will.

I know a 40-year-old man blogger who is well educated, and very intelligent but refuses to work. For the last 7 months, he spent in India, Goa for a cheaper living, and is getting some food & transport money from his sponsors during his YouTube streams.

He basically chooses to live in poverty but avoiding going to work is his life priority now.

Why isn't your dad having a strong word with him?

Obviously I was never into the incel stuff etc, but I did get badly addicted to online games straight out of uni and didnt do anything else other than drop people at the train station and half arse apply for jobs I'd never get. My mental health sucked, I was never nasty or anything but i had nothing going on so was dull to be around and was anxious about real life social stuff since I was never around real people. Mum just kept supporting me as I was struggling, but it just meant I got stuck in that comfortable place forever.

Eventually she got fed up, lots of screaming, crying, eventually got a job and everything massively improved. Did my qualifications and am now massively happier, good job on well above national average, fantastic partner, big house, everything I thought I'd never get (I think part of me not trying and giving up so quickly is because I didnt think I'd ever achieve anything so why bother). I'm still a bit socially awkward and adhd, but practice makes perfect and I'm getting better. It is so, so hard to break the habit unless you have to, as games fill any void and keep you entertained forever, and twitch/discord fill the social hole.

Well done @Sameiam .

I am sure the ASD comment is well-intentioned there is really no nowhere near enough detail here to suggest it. ASD is not a general catch-all category for socially deficient people.

The fact that I know others who have stayed up all night gaming and missed college/school and they all had asd too. That's why I had mentioned it, when I read the original post I felt I could relate to it

Kicking him out I'm afraid is the only real strategy here.

Secret Wi-Fi jammer. Or kick him out. I can’t see any other options.

He’s already rude AF to your mother who’s currently totally bankrolling him.

Fuzzyhippo,

I wouldn't want you to think that I was taking a dig at you.

One of my children has a formal diagnosis and so, via support groups I know plenty of people who also have diagnoses. What is being described here could be the sort of thing someone with ASD does but given that people without ASD can do the same (and those with generally don't) there's no correlation.

It's become the thing on Mumsnet (and elsewhere) to blame bad or odd behaviour on undiagnosed ASD when in all probability it's not that.

It's not really anyone's business but the adult involved, we can have an opinion but only they can make a change really, if they decide to.

@warmsoju Maybe if your mum made him move out he might get with the programme a bit, or get any help he needs.

I live quite like this but happily independently. I have a severe mental health disability (bipolar) and am not quite NT (mostly ADHD traits.) These traits mean that what grips me really grips me for hours, whereas if I'm not interested in something it feels like I have CFS (I know I don't lol) if I have to consider doing it- for instance chores etc.

I did start setting an alarm more often a few months ago which has helped a bit, and started exercising regularly, driking less, eating more healthily. It has t cme from him, and the actually behaviours he exhibits around waking hours and computing etc, wouldn't harm anyone but him if he lived by himself.

If his mum told him to leave due to how he talks to her, he wouldn't take her for granted as much and feel he could talk to her any which way.

He needs to move out, or start paying rent.
But if your Mum's enabling him, what can you do?

I'd treat him like the rude arsehole he is, and take his bedroom door off its hinges. Don't shop, cook, wash or clean for him.

What does your dad think about this?

Our dad upped and left when he was about 6/7 with the OW. He's since moved to NZ with some woman and doesn't contact us aside from sending us all birthday/Christmas money so no dad in the picture.