Does anyone else have a df who's a sex offender & how do you cope with it?

[Bluebruin]

I feel so low about it. It's the stain that never leaves you.

No but I know somebody who does and she changed her name and completely disassociated from him.

Have you explored support networks for people like you? Depending on what your DF did, you could look at the Inform groups - www.lucyfaithfull.org.uk/inform.htm or contact that organisation to discuss alternatives?

A very good friend of ours was sentenced last week for the possession of indecent images of very young children. We hadn't a clue. The level of shock across our friendship group is enormous. I'm an ex copper, and thought I would be prepared if something like this came alone. I was wrong. Absolutely totally blindsided, all of us.

How are you doing OP?

No but my eldest son is a convicted sex offender. His biological dad was a convicted of raping and domestic violence too. What's worse is we are very well known in my home town, nobody knew about his dad as we had moved away when it happened. But my kids went to a very popular group in our town and were very public in comps etc. always in the paper. So when my 20 yo was convicted of illegal images and it hit our local papers, fb etc it was absolutely horrific. My 12 yo daughter suffered terribly. I came close to a breakdown. My eldest daughter was suicidal and had a newborn. People said Awful awful things about us all.

I feel your pain. The families have five nothing wrong and it's torture seeing your life unravel and everything you think it's over somebody else asks about it or the article pops back up etc.

I have a friend who did the same. I felt so much for her. It must have been a grieving process. I wouldn’t have judged her for maintaining contact in some form.

Went completely no contact with him, more so because I have DC that I don’t want him to ever be anywhere near

@myceliumama How terrible for all of you and of course for the children involved most of all.

What was your relationship like with your son? Did he remind you of his dad in anyway before any of this came out? Are you in contact with him now? It's a very hard situation for a mother to be in.

@HollowTalk that's all quite intrusive. You sound like you're interviewing her for the Daily Mail. Back off.

It's a very difficult situation for a family.

I am as far from the Daily Mail as you can get. It's a topic that comes up here regularly, whether there is anything that will break a bond between a mother and her child. That's what I'm interested in.

You may be 'interested' in it but the Relationships section of MN isn't a place to sate your interest. It's a section for support.

No but I have spoken to many people who have.

Some have cut them off entirely. Others are walking a middle path where they acknowledge that they love their dads as their dad, but he is not coming near their kids and they have a firm boundary. Everyone sets their boundary somewhere slightly differently but it is always there.

You are not alone even though you think you are. Sadly there are many people in your position, and due to the stigma - you can't exactly bring it up in conversation, nobody has any support.

Oh ffs @DaisyQuakeJohnson leave off, will you?

@HollowTalk

My autistic son was groomed on line from age 10 by adults. He was told he was probably trans, spent 3 years on suicide watch from age 15-18. I was totally oblivious to the fact he was accessing hardcore porn and hentai through his gaming consoles. He was arrested at 18 and not sentenced until 2 years later ( thanks covid). At the point where he was sentenced he had already took huge steps in his recovery . He's had private psychotherapy that he has funded himself, engaged with support networks etc and started on a 12 step programme to reduce his porn addiction. He hasn't accessed porn , at all, in a long time.

I do still see him as I'm his mum and he's seriously affected by autism but I won't lie, it's been very difficult for me to reconcile my feelings towards what he did, especially as I'm a very vocal radical feminist. But he knows I can only help him providing he never ever does it again. Is only more he raised just how deep in the addiction hole he was. He was groomed into it by adults and in turn he kind of groomed his own little brother into thinking he was trans and that is so hard for me to stomach. He is still fighting with me, trying to convince me he is a girl while his big brother has absurdly resolved everything now and is actually doing quite well.

My eldest son hasn't seen his bio dad since he was a few months old. But at the time of the arrest I was very angry and did struggle to even look at him at times. It's taken me a lot of therapy to get through it. But I know he's trying his hardest. He's turned a corner and his probation officer thinks he's one of the few people in his circumstances that hopefully won't go on to reoffend. He's fine everything they asked and then some.

My situation is a bit different to what I've heard so far in that my df still has his supporters. In fact no-one's come out & said anything nasty, they're all carrying on like nothing's happened! One of the worst is the vicar who sends him supplies in prison. The vicar of the church nursery where my df worked.

Following with interest.
My STBX (well, not soon enough because divorcing a husband in prison is a nightmare) will be sentenced this Friday.
I am more sad and anxious than I thought I’d be. I was hoping to be more angry this week. This stuff just breaks you.
The victim is our daughter.

Nervous about the press a bit. But I feel like that’s the least of my worries.
It’s been bigger than words can say.
Sorry to all of you for carrying such sorrow. What a weight it is.

Thank you, that must've been really difficult to write. I'm really glad that he sounds as though he has turned a corner and won't go to that very dark place again.

How sad about your other son. I'm totally with you on the rad fem stance. I'm interested in all this because I went through severe sexual and physical abuse as a child and couldn't understand why my mother wasn't on my side. I was terrified of having a son in case of this very situation but have been very lucky indeed. I wish you and your children well and I hope the people who groomed your son are brought to justice.

myceliumama
Shit, that’s harder than hard.
No words of wisdom. Just hugs.
You love. And that’s totally understandable.

I try to remember that my former husband’s supporters love the memory of who he was to them. They can’t and won’t see the monster he became to his daughter. I see him as a mosaic figure full of good and bad parts. But when I stand back and take the whole man in from head to toe, I see only pain and sadness… his, ours.

Interestingly my former husband had a severe addiction to violent porn that really revealed itself after he was arrested for abusing our daughter.
Isn’t it weird, not really knowing a person you once held unyielding love for?

Yes, my step-FIL and my step-dad, both convicted of abusing a child in their respective families. We have nothing to do with them. Our mums have stuck by them. In the case of MIL, she doesn’t believe he did it 🤔. I have nothing to do with her, but Dh does maintain a relationship with her as her partner is abusive and he’s hoping one day she will leave. I have no relationship with my mum or stepdad, nor do our dc. My mum actually believes he did it (he told her he did). She thinks it’s fine because he’d not do it again. (!!)

It’s actually interesting hearing so many people saying that they were vilified in their communities for just being associated with a sexual offender. Oddly, my experience, twice, has been the opposite. Our close friends have been appalled and supportive of us cutting them off. But actually extended family, friends, wider community has been very supportive of both of them, and we’ve faced harassment and all sorts of gossip for speaking up and cutting them off. People who have been close to me for 20-30 years have been horrific to me for no longer having a relationship with them. I suspect there must be some outlandish stories being told about why we’ve made all this up. The same stories were told about my step-dad’s daughters after they accused him and he was convicted of abusing them. Lots of people believed those too.

Honestly, the fact of the abuse occurring is one thing. I wouldn’t find that too hard to deal with, I don’t think. What’s been life changing has been the disbelieving, the gaslighting, the harassment from people because we haven’t kept quiet about it. I actually sort of wish people would drive them out of town and believe us, instead of the other way around. That’s what’s been so devastating. I’ve had a lot of years of therapy since. But it’s a wound that never heals.

From what I’ve heard people struggle with hating what they’ve done (obviously) but still loving them and not wanting any harm to come to them - which is completely reasonable as these are often people who have raised you and you’d never think they’d do anything like that.

There is no rule book.
You may decide to cut contact now and in the future regain some small contact or it could be the other way around.

There was a documentary called ‘my husband the peadophile’ or something similar which might be worth a watch.
It sometimes takes a while to hit you and realise what they’ve actually done.

My dad is a convicted sex offender.
It just never really leaves you. Not wanting to give my full name out in case someone makes the association, starting new jobs worrying about when they find out im his daughter and how theyll think of me, any conversation that comes up around sex crimes trying to change the subject quickly in case he comes up in conversation and not knowing where to put myself, having to read people putting social media posts saying it probably happened to me and my siblings too. Getting into mew relationships and having to explain to a new partner and their family where my dad is and what he did. Mourning the person you thought you knew. Feeling you lived a lie. Its completely life changing. Ive cut contact. But its difficult sometimes missing my dad and the person that brought me up and loved me and that i cherished, worrying if hes safe and ok, worrying everytime i get a call from a witheld number if its someone telling me my dad died and if ill regret going no contact, being overwhelmingly angry and feeling guilt that he could do that to someone.

Its been three years for me and its still so hard.

My daughter does, her feelings were conflicted when he first came out of prison but now she has nothing to do with him.

This! So accurate

OP that is really hard.

I didn't like to say that I also see families who pretend it never happened or that the person is completely innocent but these people are highly manipulative.

If they are a 'pillar of the community' type it is sadly very easy for them to convince a lot of people around them of their innocence, especially as a lot of detail isn't reported. My experience is that churches and vicars are especially naive - a prison can be bombarded with post from a determined church, and it seems they are wide-open for grooming.

Sometimes grooming is so subtle you just don't notice it is happening and of course adults don't want to think they would be susceptible to manipulation.

My father sexually abused someone in my family but was never reported or convicted. Half my family speak to him, half don’t. I will talk to him, text him on his birthday, Christmas. He lives a mile from me but I see about 2-3 times a year.

It’s difficult. For some, it’s really clear cut - no more contact whatsoever. However, I don’t have a proper father/child relationship with him, and he’ll never, ever be left alone with my daughter.

I saw there was recently a dissertation student looking for people to PM with their experiences. I had intended on doing so, but message is now gone. If you are still looking for candidates, could you PM please? Haven't posted openlyu on this thread as story is very personal, but willing to share details privately