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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Would this bother you or am I being sensitive?

36 replies

SallyTurnz · 17/05/2022 06:51

Feeling a bit disappointed and fed up with my partner’s attitude. I’m pregnant and he’s been a source of misery throughout. He’s never been someone who is particularly enthusiastic or fun loving but this has been on a new level.

  • Before the scan he was late leaving so we had to rush. He was in a mood and annoyed I had text to ask what time he would be back as he thought a call would have been better.
  • at the first scan he was in and out of the room taking work calls
  • rushed the appointment so much so that I hurried off the bed after having blood taken and forgot my phone, had to go back and the nurse gave me a letter which she’d ‘not had chance to give me earlier.’
  • we were asked if we wanted photos, immediately he jumped in and said won’t they be saved on the system so we could get them another time - nurse looked confused
  • when she gave us the paperwork afterwards she had included a photo and just looked at me and said don’t worry about paying for it (clearly thinking partner was funny about cost…we have more than enough money to have bought a photo).
  • we had to book in for another appointment and at the desk I tried to discuss with him which date was best and he just said take whichever they’ve given. He was hovering about around 5 steps ahead the entire time, desperate to leave to go back to work.
  • I was embarrassed he was trying to rush things along - he even knocked on a staff door at one point to ask why there was a delay…we had only been waiting 15 minutes by then.
  • after the appointment I was feeling extremely worried as we had been asked to come back in a week for a particular reason and something needed a follow up check, I wanted to discuss with him and he was so cold, almost angry I was upset, very inpatient and dismissive.
  • as we left the car park I said I really needed something to eat as I’d missed lunch to go to the appointment in work time, it was now 5:30. He said he wanted to drive the hour back immediately as he wanted to get back into work. He did eventually stop when I said I had to get out of the car and would get a taxi back if needs be because I was feeling so unwell having not eaten.
  • he did stop with me at that point, and was moody and silent while I ate. He did discuss the scan and my worry in more detail but it honestly felt like he was angry about the whole thing, me being upset, needing to eat etc. I was also really shaken by his behaviour throughout the appointments.
we saw my family recently after weeks of me saying I wanted to spend more time with them. The day was nice but he constantly references that he ‘did what I wanted the other week and came with me to see family.’ It makes me feel so shit that he uses these things to express how he’s ‘done something for me’ rather than just participated in the relationship.

when the second scan date came around it turned out he had forgotten. Initially said he couldn’t change work and he’d got the days wrong. I was very upset and worried about the next scan which he knew. He managed to book time off in the end but it was horrible and stressful and I didn’t feel supported by him at all.

obviousky these are the bad points…he does cook and clean and ultimately shows up. But i dont think he has any idea what I need by way of support in an emotional sense. I’ve never done this before and his moods and shitty time keeping and inability to recognise I need things organised and for him to be. Just wanted to let it out really as I feel quite alone.

OP posts:
ChairCareOh · 17/05/2022 06:56

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

spotcheck · 17/05/2022 06:57

'Ultimately showing up' is not the same as showing up.
Have you tried talking to him about why it seems like you're having to drag him, kicking and screaming into parenthood?

KatherineJaneway · 17/05/2022 07:00

It would totally bother me. It's like he doesn't want you around at all not to mention lack of care of your baby.

Itstimetoquit · 17/05/2022 07:00

That's awful,when I had my scans they were some of my happiest memories,I don't think I could forgive him x

fedup078 · 17/05/2022 07:03

He sounds like a prick. Does make me wonder if he has some sort of hospital phobia though ?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/05/2022 07:06

Pregnancy and or birth can often become flashpoints for abusers to show their true nature. This is who he is.

You are feeling alone because you are really alone in this relationship. This man only cares about his own self and his treatment of you is abusive in nature. The lady who gave you the scan photo for free saw this and acted accordingly. He has no care or respect for you at all and his moodiness is an example of emotional abuse.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?

there is no good future for your and your child with him.
i would seriously consider leaving him and raising this child giving he/she your surname and without him involved day to day. Your relationship bar here is woefully low particularly if you cite his good points here as he doing some cooking, cleaning along with he showing up. Please inform the midwives and GP about his abusive treatment of you. Abuse thrives on secrecy and I would keep posting here too

How supportive and or helpful are your family and friends here?. Can you use them to get you away from him?. Women’s Aid are also well worth contacting here.

TigerRag · 17/05/2022 07:08

Why does he bother going with you to the scans if he clearly doesn't want to be there and would rather be at work?

DidiSharma · 17/05/2022 07:11

He sounds like he was stressed with work and not particularly happy about the pregnancy. His behaviour was inappropriate regardless. This type of men get worse after children in terms of escalating in anger and abusive behaviour. It sounds like you have to compromise and walk on egg shells around him and that he minimises/gaslights your feelings and perception of situations.

BTW I was given a few scan photos for free and my husband was very joyous during the scan and we were able to pay. Medical professionals are used to seeing all sorts of behaviours and couple dynamics.

Pippylongstock · 17/05/2022 07:12

He sounds absolutely dreadful. Why is he ruining these things? Have you had an honest discussion about what it is? Is he stressed at work? Worried about the change in the relationship? Or simply an arsehole. I would be thinking very careful about my relationship in this circumstance. My DH is a doctor and had an extremely demanding rota for my pregnancies and never, ever made me feel like this

SmileyClare · 17/05/2022 07:17

I think he's one of those men who hate the fact that all attention is on their wife, he needs to feel important and special.
It's beyond arrogant to talk to the health care professionals as he did. It's an indicator of a massive sense of self importance.

Some men are only pleasant and charming when there's something in it for them, Is he like this?
You are no longer the woman who makes him the centre of her world, he also knows his sex life is will be affected, in essence you're not "his" anymore.

All that coupled with his general lack of interest in your pregnancy and coldness towards you indicates to me that he's very likely to have an affair and look for attention elsewhere.

At least ten percent of men behave this way when their wives are pregnant. A third of domestic abuse cases start when the woman becomes pregnant.
It's depressing but don't ignore your husband's signals here.

Olsi109 · 17/05/2022 07:27

SmileyClare · 17/05/2022 07:17

I think he's one of those men who hate the fact that all attention is on their wife, he needs to feel important and special.
It's beyond arrogant to talk to the health care professionals as he did. It's an indicator of a massive sense of self importance.

Some men are only pleasant and charming when there's something in it for them, Is he like this?
You are no longer the woman who makes him the centre of her world, he also knows his sex life is will be affected, in essence you're not "his" anymore.

All that coupled with his general lack of interest in your pregnancy and coldness towards you indicates to me that he's very likely to have an affair and look for attention elsewhere.

At least ten percent of men behave this way when their wives are pregnant. A third of domestic abuse cases start when the woman becomes pregnant.
It's depressing but don't ignore your husband's signals here.

Agree with this OP. This is also what I got from your post. He's not happy that it's now all about you and baby and not him and what's important to him. His actions in and out of the hospital give of a sense of importance. Talking to people badly, knocking on doors when he's been made to wait a little while, pacing.

Could be a phobia of hospitals as PP said however that doesn't explain why he was trying to make his very hungry pregnant wife who hadn't eaten from morning until tea time wait to eat until it was convenient for him. I would have been embarrassed by his behaviour in the hospital tbh.

Also if you're in the UK by law you are entitled to the time off for these appts - you don't need to make the time up by skipping lunch.

Crikeyalmighty · 17/05/2022 10:29

I'm so sorry but I don't think he is that fussed about the pregnancy or you OP. I would see how it goes but keep your wits about you and be aware you could end up on your own with baby- you sound lovely and I would feel resentful too

SmileyClare · 17/05/2022 11:52

I can't imagine he's suddenly had a change of character once you were pregnant?

I'd guess there was always a low level of emotional abuse in your relationship and your pregnancy has simply highlighted that. He may have ramped up his abuse but I suspect it's always been there.

The scene you described at your prenatal scans has perhaps brought home to you how bad his attitude is. You've seen him through the sonographer's eyes and it's shocked you.

You're not being overly sensitive, you're being treated dismissively, your feelings are disregarded and he's using his "moods" to manipulate you.

He's acting like a spoilt selfish child for goodness sake and not treating you as an equal partner. It's almost as if he's checked out. If he wants out then he needs to man up and admit that rather than withdrawing and being cold and detached and treating you with contempt.

I would think seriously about not having him present at the birth.

Please don't brush this aside as being sensitive or "hormonal".

we saw my family recently after weeks of me saying I wanted to see them....he made me feel like shit this statement alone is a clear example of manipulative control.

I'm so sorry you feel alone. I hope you have friends or family you can confide in Flowers

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/05/2022 12:00

It would bother me a lot and you’re not over sensitive.

How long have you been together? Is this new behaviour or has he changed a lot since you got pregnant?

fuckoffImcounting · 17/05/2022 12:17

He is abusive and is punishing you for every single thing you do.

MayMi · 17/05/2022 12:30

You're not being sensitive at all, he sounds completely awful, I would be feeling exactly the same as you if I were in your position. Hope your second scan went ok ❤️
Maybe when he's in a good/calm mood sometime, bring up his behaviour with specific examples and say how that's been impacting you.

FloydPepper · 17/05/2022 13:02

fuckoffImcounting · 17/05/2022 12:17

He is abusive and is punishing you for every single thing you do.

That’s a huge leap. I knew someone would be along with that gem at some point!

he sounds distracted, stressed, under pressure with work and yes while he should be fully engaged, it’s possible he’s got so much on and is under pressure so wasn’t great.

only you know if he’s a man with a lot on his plate, or an abusive bastard you need to leave immediately…

KettrickenSmiled · 17/05/2022 13:10

we saw my family recently after weeks of me saying I wanted to spend more time with them.
This reads like you seeking his permission to see your own family.
Why is that?

The day was nice but he constantly references that he ‘did what I wanted the other week and came with me to see family.’ It makes me feel so shit that he uses these things to express how he’s ‘done something for me’ rather than just participated in the relationship.
There's only one response to this - "just fuck off you useless bellend".
Really OP.

You told us who he was in your first paragraph - "He’s never been someone who is particularly enthusiastic or fun loving" - may I ask a really rude question ... did you plan your pregnancy with him?

Because he's really embraced his non-fun-loving side since you became pregnant, hasn't he? "but this has been on a new level."
I don't think he wants this baby.
How are you situated to raise your child solo?

KettrickenSmiled · 17/05/2022 13:12

obviousky these are the bad points…he does cook and clean and ultimately shows up

The fact that he sometimes manages to meet one or two of the basic requirements of human adulting does NOT outweigh the fact that he's a miseryguts you would be much happier without.

KettrickenSmiled · 17/05/2022 13:15

The lady who gave you the scan photo for free saw this and acted accordingly.
Yup. Also everything else @AttilaTheMeerkat said.

That lady - & every PP on your thread - is fucking HORRIFIED by his behaviour & attitude OP.

Why aren't you?

What's going on that you are allowing yourself to tolerate his contempt & abrasiveness?
How can PP help you to do what's best for you & your baby now?
What is your housing & income situation?
How far do your family & close friends live from you?

standoctor · 17/05/2022 13:16

"He’s never been someone who is particularly enthusiastic or fun loving ".
so why did u marry him he sounds like a jerk"

KettrickenSmiled · 17/05/2022 13:20

FloydPepper · 17/05/2022 13:02

That’s a huge leap. I knew someone would be along with that gem at some point!

he sounds distracted, stressed, under pressure with work and yes while he should be fully engaged, it’s possible he’s got so much on and is under pressure so wasn’t great.

only you know if he’s a man with a lot on his plate, or an abusive bastard you need to leave immediately…

Oh sod off with the apologia for abusive behaviour. You can read. Go back & read how he behaved over a simple family social. He's a joyless, soulsucking bully, & OP will be well shot of him.

TheClitterati · 17/05/2022 13:22

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/05/2022 07:06

Pregnancy and or birth can often become flashpoints for abusers to show their true nature. This is who he is.

You are feeling alone because you are really alone in this relationship. This man only cares about his own self and his treatment of you is abusive in nature. The lady who gave you the scan photo for free saw this and acted accordingly. He has no care or respect for you at all and his moodiness is an example of emotional abuse.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?

there is no good future for your and your child with him.
i would seriously consider leaving him and raising this child giving he/she your surname and without him involved day to day. Your relationship bar here is woefully low particularly if you cite his good points here as he doing some cooking, cleaning along with he showing up. Please inform the midwives and GP about his abusive treatment of you. Abuse thrives on secrecy and I would keep posting here too

How supportive and or helpful are your family and friends here?. Can you use them to get you away from him?. Women’s Aid are also well worth contacting here.

I agree with @AttilaTheMeerkat

OP you can expect the abuse to ramp up over the coming months & years.

LTB.

Sicario · 17/05/2022 13:23

He has no interest in "your" pregnancy and does not wish to participate in this part of your life journey.

He doesn't want any part of his life to be impacted by anything that he views as happening to "you". Clearly not a team player.

You might want to arrange a meeting with him to discuss how he plans to parent with you and how that might affect his current life schedule.

Don't bottle it up. Get it all out on the table now.

You need to know what you're going to be dealing with when the baby arrives.

Blueuggboots · 17/05/2022 13:26

I ended up in hospital for 10 days before our son was born. I rang my (now ex) H and asked him to come up to the hospital because I was feeling really upset and was limited to 2 named people because I was on the labour ward.

He arrived and launched into a rant about how much I was costing him in petrol and parking fees......it did not get better.

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