Just don't know what to do

[Simplehappyzen]

I've changed my user name so as not to be outing but just had to post and hopefully get some impartial advice. I have been with my H 14 years, married for 10. I have a 17 year old DS from my first marriage and H has 2 boys in their 20's.
Looking back H has always had a more negative outlook on life but over time it has become more and more apparent. Nothing is ever good enough, he is short tempered and hard work to live with at times.

He has retired from his career and now works part time. I also work part time due to a chronic heath condition and feel quite heavily reliant on H financially. There are many issues in our marriage that are causing me to write this but I will try and keep them as brief as possible.
If I do any housework ie hoovering, when he gets in from work he will hoover again. This is before he takes his coat off and despite me telling him it has been done. Similarly, he is constantly wiping the tiniest marks off the walls, doesn't like me cooking or baking as he doesn't like the kitchen getting messed up and would rather we just had microwave meals to keep everywhere tidy.
We haven't been intimate for 2.5 years now and before then it wasn't very often. When I bring up the issue he doesn't really give me a straight answer and nothing changes. I now feel that with so much time passing by it will never get to a point where we are back on track in this area.
Perhaps my biggest issue is how he picks at my son. When he was younger it was over things like him bouncing on the bed (too much noise) whereas now he will complain if my DS has gone to the toilet too many times! H has never really taken on the role of step father, I have pretty much felt like a single parent and as a result my DS and I are very close.

I have always been such a positive and fun person but I now feel that the life is being sucked out of me and find the whole situation so tiring.
I really don't know what the future holds but surely there has to be more to life than this? Has anyone experienced similar or has any advice? Sorry for such a long post .

Hoovering in his coat even though you have already done it. That's a blinder that is.
Being mean to your son is a deal breaker for me. He wouldn't have got to the hovering stage or wiping the walls down if he did this to my son. He would be walking down the path and his clothes coming after him.

Your poor kid must wonder what on earth he has done to deserve a life with a twat like him.

Sorry but gone to the toilet too many times ! Why is this man still in your house OP

He sounds like he needs to be a bachelor.

Why have you stayed with him for this long? How must your son feel? Your dh sounds like he has some kind of anxiety disorder regarding the house but that's his problem that he needs to sort out. The way he's treated your son is unforgiveable and I would leave him.

My DH cleans when he's anxious /stressed. He says that a clean house makes him feel better - that having a spotless, orderly home makes him feel like his world is capable of being controlled. I guess it is a kind of coping mechanism, but your DH sounds obsessive about it and letting it affect normal areas of life.

I think I'd be tempted to confront him in a sympathetic way, and point out what his behaviour looks like - obsessive to the point of interfering with normal life. If he admits there's a problem and agrees to seek out some help to fix it, maybe you could start with small compromises - meals in a slow cooker don't splash walls but can be healthy and tasty for example.

If he can't see a problem with his behaviour and won't change, perhaps it is time to move on and split up. If you've been married for ten years, you should be entitled to some share of the assets when you split up, and working part time is better than not working at all. Any chance your health may improve when you arent living off microwave meals?

When I bring up the issue he doesn't really give me a straight answer and nothing changes

If your relationship can't deal with conflict, it's not really a relationship. There's nothing here for you, is there? No sign of him caring about your feelings? No concern for making sure you feel ok?

This situation does not sound enjoyable for you, your DS or even (D)H.
My sister is married to a similar sounding man. He was always a joy sucker but, since giving up work and so only seeing like-minded friends, he has become so much worse.
I can see my sister losing her sparkle more and more. She is less keen to socialise and no one really wants to visit her as he is always there, moaning about life in general. I think you will find that, once your DS leaves to go to university or whatever, he may see you less because of miserable (D)H.
(D)H is unlikely to change but you could suggest couples counselling.
My advice, I think you need to be looking at your finances and planning an escape.

This isn't a home it's a boarding school with a self announced headmaster.

Can you announce you will be using the kitchen to make yourself and your son at least healthy food. You both need it for your health and plonk a microwave meal in front of him.

A thousand rules, endless moods, no sex. God this sounds just dull.

I have a 17 year old DS too and no way would he be allowed to pick at him. He is sucking all of the joy from your life is this the way you really want to carry on?

The toilet comment alone is disgusting,it sounds more like a military camp than a happy home,leave and be happy xx

It’s emotional abuse, and I wouldn’t have my son witnessing it or being treated as he is by him.
You need to look at how you can leave.

I suggest that you discuss the matter with your son, and see if he would prefer to live elsewhere. If so, have a full and frank discussion with your husband, identifying the difficulties that you and your son are facing because of his unreasonable behaviour. Suggest what he might consider changing, and by when.
If this has no effect on husband's behaviour, make an appointment with a solicitor and get rid of this joyless creature.

Your poor son having been forced to live with a critical, overbearing, moody stepfather for his entire childhood.

How can you bear this? How can your son bear it? Can you not see how time is it is to both of you to live with this complete lunatic?

Hi OP. You sound lovely! It sounds like you’d leave if you could… financially what would that look like? That would be my first thought, my second would be to accept it for what it is, treat him like a housemate and fill your life with friend and hobbies while you think about what to do. At the very least that will make him wake up a bit…and even if he doesn’t change, you’ve then built up your life in other ways. It doesn’t sound like he is someone who will have an adult conversation so taking clear action yourself in a detached way may be best. You can still be pleasant and invite him to things etc but on a very detached and friend basis, with no reaction it he’s not interested.

He sounds unwell. But that’s beside the point. you cannot change him, you can only change your reaction to his behaviour. So you can choose to put up with living with a bullying dementor, or you can choose something else.

How can you leave that is the first question you need to ask yourself.Yoursituation will not get better.Good luck

What a miserable home for both you and your DS. You don't have to stay in this marriage OP

Thank you all for your replies...apologies for the delay, I've been without wifi. Believe me when I say that I have guarded my DS against all nitpicking coming from H and I have always stood up to H and informed him that his comments are unreasonable and unfounded. I am thinking that because I have done this it has probably made my H quite jealous of my DS because H knows that I won't stand for it. The toilet comment was just the other day and I literally couldn't believe my ears!!
@PassNeTgeSakt financially I am pretty much reliant on him. I've no ideas what I would be entitled to and where I would go. I have a small amount of savings that would keep me going for about 6 months but after that I really don't know.

Oh my word, could’ve written this! My Ex is JUST like this, negative, complaining, OCD, whay are there marks on the French doors, have you hoovered because I can see bits, used to put a big mat out before my DD had a bag of crisps, too many toys out etc. constant nitpicking & stress about things that just don’t matter!

complained bitterly about our house(that I paid for) too small, grass is diseased blah blah

honestly it doesn’t get any better. It’s just the way your husband is, I think the only 2 options you have are to leave or stay & put up. I hoped for years it would change & it never did.

I lived with someone like you describe. He wouldn’t let me cook, didn’t rate my cleaning skills and would correct me by redoing jobs. He hovered if I spent too long in the bathroom, would call if I took too long at the shops.

I didn’t/don’t have children but I lost my sparkle during those years.

Friends have since described me as being highly strung back then. Like you, I was stifled and miserable. The man was a controller and it sounds like yours is, too.

You can’t change controlling men. But you can break free and leave them to their miserly and controlling ways - as reductive as that sounds.

Yours and your son’s life will be happier.

Have you looked at social housing options?Does your health condition entitle you to any assistance? Find out the practical things.

Meanwhile visualise a home without him in it. Imagine not being criticised. Imagine all the energy you'll save not having to guard your son against him. Is there a possibility that this low-level constant stress is exacerbating your health condition?

@Whatifitallgoesright thank you for your reply. I have done an online benefits calculator and it does seem that I would get some help. You are right when you say that this environment contributes towards my health. I have a condition where my cortisol levels are constantly at fight or flyte and this causes so many problems ie chronic fatigue, IBS etc. I've never claimed anything in relation to my health. I do feel that being able to make healthy meals would be a good starting point.

Well, there’s part of your answer. Stress and high cortisol levels are strongly linked. And this man does absolute nothing to reduce your stress levels. Imagine how much better you will feel with that constant fight or flight action stations standing down. And keep imagining it. And start talking to your son about it.

I think it’s past time to start looking for a new life elsewhere for you and your son.

@Ywnaged thank you for your reply. That all sounds so very familiar. For example, this evening I was walking thr dogs but had left my phone in the car by mistake. When I got back to my car I had 4 missed calls from H. I called him back and when I asked him what was the matter as he'd called 4 times he replied that he was just checking that I was OK. Id only been out an hour. He does this every day and because he doesn't shout I'd always put it down to it just being his way. Now when I step back and think about it it's not normal behaviour. If I'm upstairs pottering he will come up or shout up asking me what I am doing. This happens if I am more than 20 minutes upstairs.

It's all just so exhausting.