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Original poster

cheating or not?

46 replies

Edi111 · 16/05/2022 12:52

I am looking for some advice or maybe a sounding board as don't feel I can talk to any friends about this.
Last night my husband fell asleep with his phone open I saw lots of messages to a woman, I read them all and although they've never met they have been having a text relationship for almost 6 months. It started on a fetish group so it's partly that but also just constant to talk about what they're doing our life even talking about my children which I found really hard to stomach. I confronted him and he said they're just friends it's nothing and they met online and just clicked. I am so angry I can barely cope with the rage today. I insisted last night he call her I don't know why he did and told her I knew everything she said she was a professional fetish person and although he doesn't pay her it was nothing more than a friendship with some fetish play. She then got upset on the phone crying and he asked me if he could go and talk to her for a while, I think it just hurt me more than anything. I told him to delete all contact with her which he did but now he's at work and I can only imagine him pining after her all day and it's making me feel sick and again so angry.
I want to make him leave or me to leave but we can't afford it, we have children and mortgage and debt and realistically I can't see how we can afford to separate.
I just don't know what to do, I am so blind sided by this.
Anyone any advice?

Z

OP posts:
SophSoSo · 16/05/2022 17:47

We’re the chats sexual?

To some it doesn’t make any difference because he’s been putting effort in to her that he should have been putting in to you, but we’re they general chit chat messages or is there more to it?

Im sorry you’re going through this x

Hiddenvoice · 16/05/2022 17:52

You need to sit him down and make him realise how much this has hurt you. He put her first last night by wanting to talk to her when she was upset which is ridiculous.
Think carefully about what you want to say to him but clearly explain that he’s damaged your trust, you’re hurt and he’s hurting your family.
You need to think about if you can trust him again. You also need proof that he has fully deleted her!

PicaK · 16/05/2022 18:03

You don't have to do anything in a rush. You are allowed to feel lost and hurt. Your whole life has been turned upside down.

rosyposey23 · 16/05/2022 18:05

Its not exceptable for him to have any relationship with any female that you don't know about .
This is emothial cheating, take it from me I recently found calls to a female my partner said they were friends, what a crock of shit!!!
Totally devastated me and I chucked him out..Its still raw but we are in discussions to work through it .
To be honest I think once the trust is gone you wonder when the next time will be.
Keep strong x

Original poster
Edi111 · 16/05/2022 18:21

Sexual when they were about the fetish but that was somewhat more removed the day to day chats weren't sexual but in a way I felt more hurt by the non sexual ones. On the day of our twins christening he was messaging her, like, why????

OP posts:
Original poster
Edi111 · 16/05/2022 18:23

Can I ask how it worked in terms of chucking him out, I feel like unpicking our lives would be such a nightmare. That's not a reason to be with someone I know but it's very daunting.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 16/05/2022 18:28

She then got upset on the phone crying and he asked me if he could go and talk to her for a while

That should have been the moment you told him to get out and not to come back. He has some fucking nerve, doesn't he? He has devastated his wife, but his first thought is to go running to her to provide comfort. Fuck that, and fuck him. That should have told you everything you need to know. He has no respect for you or your marriage. The twat doesn't even think he's done anything wrong.

He's a cheat of the worst kind.

Eightiesfan · 16/05/2022 18:30

I’m so sorry OP, I am starting to think that men should not be allowed unsupervised access to their phones.

in your shoes I would have been devastated when he felt the need to comfort her on the phone, this is just the start of gaslighting you to make you think you were in the wrong to confront her. This woman by her own admission is a fetish professional, what do you think the chances are of her actually being upset by anything you said?

How sure are you that this is just a ‘phone’ relationship? To contact her on the day of your twins christening is wrong on almost every level. To do this he was clearly more invested on whatever cheap thrill she could give him than with his own children.

Original poster
Edi111 · 16/05/2022 18:33

I don't think I can trust him sadly, this woman lives on the other side of the country so they've never met but I think if she was local they would have done. He denies that but I don't trust him. Also I just keep imagining him at work today all sad and moping about her because he hasn't talked to her (unless he has). It literally makes me so angry I end up crying I'm not even hurt or jealous I'm just so f ing angry.

OP posts:
Beachlovingirl · 16/05/2022 18:37

Sounds to me like he’s thought here is a person (this fetish woman) who will satisfy my fetish and be my girlfriend, and I can have my wife and children too.

if his fetish has taken over his life to a certain extent he will put the relationship with her as one he can’t live without. You do need for him to have nothing to do with her but what if he just looks for another. So sorry you are going through this op. He doesn’t even sound sorry.

DidiSharma · 16/05/2022 18:43

Whatever you do make sure you are OK financially first and don't cut your nose to spite your face. It's all very fresh and you don't have to make a decision about the future of your relationship immediately. If you end up losing financially and splitting your children 50-50 so seeing them less, for the sake of texts with a random, is it really worth all the upheaval? Only you can say if it's serious enough to break up the family over.

Original poster
Edi111 · 16/05/2022 19:04

Yeah that's what I need to do I think, slow down.
Perhaps sadly he wouldn't fight me for access to the children, he has his own demons but he has really struggled being a Dad and I know there is no way he'd want 50 50 access.

OP posts:
Original poster
Edi111 · 16/05/2022 19:07

I know they haven't met up but they've spoken on the phone so may well have been face times etc

OP posts:
CrackersDontMatter · 16/05/2022 19:14

Aquamarine1029 · 16/05/2022 18:28

She then got upset on the phone crying and he asked me if he could go and talk to her for a while

That should have been the moment you told him to get out and not to come back. He has some fucking nerve, doesn't he? He has devastated his wife, but his first thought is to go running to her to provide comfort. Fuck that, and fuck him. That should have told you everything you need to know. He has no respect for you or your marriage. The twat doesn't even think he's done anything wrong.

He's a cheat of the worst kind.

Absolutely this, OP. He chose to comfort her over you. That would be it for me. I'm sorry this has happened to you.

Piglet80 · 16/05/2022 20:46

He has contacted her no doubt.. he has a crush, still you dont trust him.. he needs to make steps to prove you can before anything

whymewhyme · 16/05/2022 20:54

God you are worth so much more, fuck him off...it will be hard im going through a nightmare myself but i know in 6 months time i will be glad the bastard cheated. I took my arsehole back (3yrs ago) after was having a emotional affair with a 22yr old and there was no fetish or sexual stuff involved just suggestive shit, i believed he wouldn't do it again and here i am now 3yrs later and the bastard been txting, shagging and telling another woman he loves her!!! God i wish id fucked him off 3yrs ago now, biggest regret of my life.

Zemw · 16/05/2022 21:01

You need to leave him, however hard that will be - it will never be has hard as reading those messages and never being able to trust him again.

He's got a fucking nerve.

Herejustforthisone · 16/05/2022 23:03

Aquamarine1029 · 16/05/2022 18:28

She then got upset on the phone crying and he asked me if he could go and talk to her for a while

That should have been the moment you told him to get out and not to come back. He has some fucking nerve, doesn't he? He has devastated his wife, but his first thought is to go running to her to provide comfort. Fuck that, and fuck him. That should have told you everything you need to know. He has no respect for you or your marriage. The twat doesn't even think he's done anything wrong.

He's a cheat of the worst kind.

This is what I came here to highlight. That part was gut wrenching.

cantbelieveheletmedown · 17/05/2022 06:48

I’m so sorry OP, I am starting to think that men should not be allowed unsupervised access to their phones.

👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻 this!!!!

Original poster
Edi111 · 17/05/2022 12:22

Ladies I honestly feel like I'm going mad.
The anger is just all consuming, I wouldn't even say I feel hurt just so bloody angry. It comes in waves I was at soft play earlier and someone accidentally bumped in to me, obviously didn't say anything to them but I had to go to my car for 5 mins as I was suddenly filled with absolute rage, is that normal?! Do I need to see someone about it.

He got in last night and once kids in bed we talked he said they were just friends supporting each other through a difficult time and then the fetish stuff was just something I could never understand and it's not sexual in the same way.

I told him I'd read all the messages (I hadn't as there were so many) but I'd test him and say things like do you remember telling x y z about me and he'd say yes sorry so I know he did talk about me.

I am hugely regretting getting him to delete the message thread. The one friend I've told said I should get him to retrieve the deleted messaged so I can sit and read them all, is that ridiculous?! Will it help?! The not knowing is driving me bonkers!! 😵‍💫

OP posts:
kaleidoscope123 · 17/05/2022 16:03

Herejustforthisone · 16/05/2022 23:03

This is what I came here to highlight. That part was gut wrenching.

Show quote history

I completely agree with the above.

even in the short term while you are processing what to do I would kick him out, he can go and sleep on someone’s sofa or a motel. No one has any money these days but he should put it on a credit card and get a second job to pay for it. You need to see how he reacts, whether he would actually fight for you or whether he just pines for OW. If he has tapped out because life is too difficult with the kids and he wanted an escape then I wouldn’t be making his life easy by letting him stay.

Original poster
Edi111 · 17/05/2022 19:28

Sounds ridiculous but he won't leave he just says he can't and short of changing the locks I don't know what I can do. When he gets in from work we just kind of act normal at the moment it's so surreal. I just feel so stuck. Short of screaming at him and getting locks changed I don't know what to do 😭

OP posts:
elle1005 · 17/05/2022 22:48

I don't have any advice for the logistics of what to do but just wanted to show some support. You definitely need to make plans to leave him one way or another.

I totally get that you're more affected by the day-to-day chat as it's essentially an emotional affair. He's investing time in messaging her when he should be present with you and the kids. And the fact that he was more bothered about consoling her than thinking about your feelings.... well that tells you everything really.

I really hope you find a way out of this.

Original poster
Edi111 · 18/05/2022 00:31

I feel like this has taken an odd turn, following some very open discussion with him tonight turns out he is basically a b*tch for this woman has been helping her with social media stuff and it's all tied in with this dominatrix thing. She's much more professional than I'd realised. He claims any sexual language used in the messages is purely connected to the fetish and from the way it is on twitter etc I can kind of see it .

This brings me to a new issue, I am so uncomfortable with it. He says he'll struggle not to indulge in anything fetishy but will do for the sake of our marriage but that doesn't feel sustainable to me even if I can get over this.

I feel so utterly lost.

OP posts:
ToTheNextChapter · 18/05/2022 01:02

@Edi111 Sending hugs, I know this will be awful.
I can't comment on the fetish side of things, but I have just split from my husband, we've been together 21 years.

He had been having a text message relationship for at least 6 months. He claims all just friends, but had deleted the whole message thread so couldn't prove it. I decided I couldn't live not knowing the whole truth. I asked him to retrieve the messages - claimed he couldn't as had changed mobile provider.

As difficult as it is, he's left and we're going to have to sell our beautiful home. Our DD is now struggling going to school which really upsets me. But....I feel much better than I did when I knew I was sharing my house and bed with a complete stranger who had given more thought to some skank than his family.

I couldn't continue in the relationship..I hope you find the strength to do what you feel is right.