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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

cheating or not?

46 replies

Edi111 · 16/05/2022 12:52

I am looking for some advice or maybe a sounding board as don't feel I can talk to any friends about this.
Last night my husband fell asleep with his phone open I saw lots of messages to a woman, I read them all and although they've never met they have been having a text relationship for almost 6 months. It started on a fetish group so it's partly that but also just constant to talk about what they're doing our life even talking about my children which I found really hard to stomach. I confronted him and he said they're just friends it's nothing and they met online and just clicked. I am so angry I can barely cope with the rage today. I insisted last night he call her I don't know why he did and told her I knew everything she said she was a professional fetish person and although he doesn't pay her it was nothing more than a friendship with some fetish play. She then got upset on the phone crying and he asked me if he could go and talk to her for a while, I think it just hurt me more than anything. I told him to delete all contact with her which he did but now he's at work and I can only imagine him pining after her all day and it's making me feel sick and again so angry.
I want to make him leave or me to leave but we can't afford it, we have children and mortgage and debt and realistically I can't see how we can afford to separate.
I just don't know what to do, I am so blind sided by this.
Anyone any advice?

OP posts:

JangolinaPitt · 18/05/2022 04:27

So sorry you are going through this.
the dealbreaker for would be (and was on my own marriage ) his prioritising comforting her instead of you. There is no way back from that.

DrMorbius · 18/05/2022 04:37

Perhaps they are just friends who share a fetish. Obviously your DH feels the need to explore this fetish, even if its only vicariously and in what I would describe as a "safe space". Perhaps that is enough for him. Has he ever brought this fetish up with you?
Would you have the same feelings if the messages were to another man (in other words, someone that no sexual activity would ever occur or even be considered)?

Weatherwax13 · 18/05/2022 05:29

Take legal advice so you know your rights re finances, housing and child maintenance.
Then divorce him.
I'd bet my house that the first thing he did when he left for work was contact this woman and beg her not to dump him..
You have infidelity plus a fetish you don't share to contend with here.
Just one of those would be bad enough. But you have zero chance of ever having peace of mind in this marriage now.
Good luck.

girlmom21 · 18/05/2022 05:42

If she's a professional and he's her bitch why did she get upset? That's not very professional, is it?

StarlightV · 18/05/2022 05:54

I think you’re being very naive and that your husband is trying to cloud your mind with the sex work stuff. Unless you have seen proof that she is soliciting online then you do not know. It is extremely unlikely for a sex worker to start a relationship up with a client for no money. Either he has been giving her money or this is simply a woman that likes the same fetish that he does and this has operated as an online relationship and they have never been just friends with a fetish. This seems the most likely from his wanting to comfort her. I’m sorry but you’ve been had. If it’s been carrying on for 6 months it’s more than just the fetish. No pro domme would give a man freebies for 6 months.

girlmom21 · 18/05/2022 05:55

OP even if he's doing social media work for her instead of actually paying her, he's paying her with his time.

worriedparent12 · 18/05/2022 06:28

This is BS. A dominatrix would never cry in front of her client.

I think he's taking you for a ride.

Joessaysthankyou · 18/05/2022 06:29

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

Edi111 · 18/05/2022 06:39

He's never explained the extent of the fetish I honestly and niavely thought he just likes one element I had no idea he was so involved in it. It makes me really sad, I don't want to be married to someone with these fetishes but I am. I guess I have to decide if it's bad enough to pull the family apart.
No if there no domme messages were to a man I wouldn't think twice I fact I'd be pleased he was talking to a friend. It's the multi layers I am struggling with.

OP posts:

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 18/05/2022 07:02

OP sex work is a job.
Shes not been chatting to him as a mate about the fetish for free.
Hes either paying her (and potentially a lot) or he’s chatting shit.

fairytwinkletastic · 18/05/2022 07:19

A fetish is to do with being turned on. He's doing that with another woman. It's sex.

Original poster

Edi111 · 18/05/2022 12:41

Thank you and I am so sorry for your situation.

OP posts:

StarlightV · 19/05/2022 07:54

Fetishes are a difficult one if you don’t share them.
Him saying that he’ll struggle but will try and stop the need for extramarital femdom kink for the sake of his marriage is a bit of an empty promise. He should have been doing that anyway,* *yet he’s been having an affair behind your back. If he needed kink enough to step out on his wife, I wouldn’t be surprised at him going back to his old tricks 6 months + down the line.

I think you need to consider your own self-worth here. Be strong x

StarlightV · 19/05/2022 08:02

I should add, I’ve tried to go down the path before of appeasing a man’s kinks. He had extreme porn habits and was deep in the rabbit hole. Instead of just dumping him, I tried to make myself fit what he wanted, which was just so stupid of me and I realised that later. He was ecstatic but it ruined sex for me in that relationship, as doing those things did nothing for me and if anything were a turn off. Once I'd done it once, he wanted it like that every time.

hotandspicy · 20/05/2022 08:20

are you able to enlighten us to what this kink was that he couldnt approach you with but another female.

was he too embarassed to ask you to try whatever it was. just interested what was worth risking everything he had for a thrill ?

Original poster

Edi111 · 20/05/2022 22:57

So I absolutely know that she is a pro have seen lots of her on social media platforms (got a bit obsessed and was looking her up!) From what I can gather they didn't really have sessions as stuff they seem to have struck up a friendship which has elements of the Dom in it which is even more confusing! He was mainly doing this posting online for her, it's so odd it's like he became completely transfixed with her but yet maintains essentially it was just a friendship at heart. He says she is going through a lot which is why she got upset when I was screaming at her because he'd never called her before (part of the nature of their relationship I guess)
I am worried about the whole 6 month down the line thing and where this could end.
He doesn't appear to have had any contact with her since he has shown me that she was once messaged asking if he was ok but he deleted it. He could contact her on social media but he hasn't from what I can see.

In terms of the kink itself it's PVC and domination i suppose. I've always known about the pvc and in the past has been something we've done but due to my personal insecurities haven't done since kids etc. The other stuff I had no clue about he brought it up once on a night out and I wasn't hugely respectful about it so he says he became really ashamed.

It's a really odd dynamic in many ways we have never been as open and honest in our communication as we have this week but I also don't know where I stand in terms of trust. We have a therapy session booked so I wonder what that will bring.

OP posts:

hotandspicy · 22/05/2022 10:18

You sound open to going to therapy and seeing if that can fix the issues that this whole thing has created. Would you be open to endulging him in this fantasy hes been chasing with someone else but with strict rules if you find even an inkling of him repeating what he had been doing he will be gone with no return option.
I hope you can fix your relationship somehow, in this climate to split now and struggle financially would be the cherry on the cake.

layladomino · 22/05/2022 10:47

So sorry you're going through this OP.

He has either been paying for stuff to fulfill his fetish 'needs' or has struck up a genuine relationship, based on sex, with this woman. Either option is seriously out of order for a married man. It sounds like the latter based on what he's said and the fact she cried and he wanted to run to her... if it was truly professional that wouldn't have happened from either side.

It clearly wasn't 'just a friendship' either - friendships aren't kept a secret from your OH. They don't involve any sexual element. You don't put your friends above your wife (HE WANTED TO COMFORT HER NOT YOU WHEN THIS CAME OUT!!)

He clearly has very strong feelings for her. It was her he wanted to run to when his WIFE had just found out about his affair. And this is an affair.

He's treated you dispicably. Lying, cheating, putting her needs in front of yours, totally disrespectful and you deserve better.

Stay strong. He's going to try everything he can to convince you that you're imaging things / it was just a friendship / it was never sexual, because he wants to maintain the benefits of having a wife and family. I don't know how you'd ever trust him again.

Anonnnnnnm · 22/05/2022 10:49

Just remember, this is only the stuff you've found out about. What else is there you don't or may never know about?

Sad to say, but a leopard never changed its spots.

Readtheroom · 22/05/2022 11:01

@Edi111 If it was purely professional, crying on the phone to talk to him in private wouldn't have occurred. They clearly have an emotional bond.

Living with him will effect your mental health. Can you go to live with parents. Stop paying towards bills etc. See if you can rent your own place with the money you would otherwise be spending. See then how he manages on his own. He may be forced to sell it.

hotandspicy · 22/05/2022 13:53

Anonnnnnnm · 22/05/2022 10:49

Just remember, this is only the stuff you've found out about. What else is there you don't or may never know about?

Sad to say, but a leopard never changed its spots.

thats not a given though.. Your just adding fuel to her fire

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