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Original poster

Please help me stop feeling shit about this

46 replies

CandyLeBonBon · 16/05/2022 10:39

I've been mulling over something that happened over the weekend that made me feel really upset but I'm not sure if my feelings are valid or if I'm just being a drama Queen. I feel pretty upset and shitty about what happened and can't seem to shake myself out of it so I'm hoping some outside perspective might help?

Went to a wedding on Saturday with my partner of 4 years. We live apart if that's relevant, but fully committed etc.

His ex (broke up 16 years ago) was there. He knew she was going to be there but didn't tell me, which in itself and as a stand-alone issue, I was ok with, although if the boot was on the other foot, I'd have mentioned it.

For context, this is a woman he compared me to immediately after we'd had sex fairly early on in our relationship, which I said was out of order, but it's consequently always made me feel that maybe there's unfinished business?

Anyway, she was there, I was polite when introduced and thought nothing more of it until my bf decided to spend most of the evening talking to her about their relationship/breakup leaving me on my own like a lemon. It must have been fairly obvious as people kept asking if I was ok etc. I didn't know anyone else at this wedding so it was a bit uncomfortable.

I feel pretty hurt and upset, and can't shake myself out of it, but wonder if I'm making a mountain out of a molehill? I have had two abusive, traumatising relationships, a difficult childhood where relationships were abusive and violent, and a shit marriage so I'm not sure I trust my judgement. I also have adhd so can find myself emotionally overwhelmed quite easily. He's generally a good egg, but sometimes thoughtless. Would you struggle with this or is it just me being stupid?

OP posts:
PetersRabbitt · 16/05/2022 10:42

Yh I’d struggle with that, he spent most the night with her than you, to the point strangers noticed and asked you if you was ok!

I couldn’t forgive that I don’t think.

WombatNo12 · 16/05/2022 10:47

Sounds like they were getting nostalgic & reflecting. Whilst I can understand that, totally inappropriate in the circumstances.

Not fair on you at all. You have every right to be upset & expect him to explain & also apologise, I think.

PollyDarton1 · 16/05/2022 10:47

I'd struggle with that for two reasons - the comparison early doors (wrong) and the fact he pretty much spent the entire night with her talking about their relationship (inappropriate) - I'm all for couples spending time apart at functions or events, but if he made a beeline for her and wasn't mixing, that was a choice. I have ADHD too and that would really increase my sense of rejection, but I also think your feelings are totally valid apart from the possibility of ADHD magnifying them.

I would be having a frank discussion with him outlining that it was inappropriate to do that to you and that you have concerns moving forwards.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/05/2022 10:55

Of course you’re upset! It’s really sad you think you might be overreacting. You’re not.

Unhelpful but I wouldn’t have hung around after he compared you to her after having sex with you. What’s that about?!

He’s more than thoughtless, he’s treating you really badly. Trust your instincts.

Vsirbdo · 16/05/2022 10:55

I would have walked out of the wedding to be honest. I have no idea why he’d spend any time talking to her about their relationship and it sounds like your feeling that there is unfinished business is spot on.

averythinline · 16/05/2022 10:58

I would have probably left as well....sounds like unfinished for him ....

Original poster
CandyLeBonBon · 16/05/2022 11:00

Yeah the comparison wasnt a direct 'oh you shag like my ex'

It was more of a 'oh you remind me of me ex' whilst lying in that post coital glow when you're just chatting.

It was pretty jarring really and I made it clear I thought it was a completely inappropriate comment.

Thankyou all for your comments though, it helps me realise I'm not blowing things up. I have a tendency to feel emotions very intensely- a combination of adhd and traumatic past so I'm really trying hard to stay grounded and not spiral because it's not helpful to anyone if I do that - but it's good to know I'm not alone in the way I feel.

OP posts:
MiaGain · 16/05/2022 11:02

I would definitely been upset by this behaviour. I might have given them a few minutes of chat time for old times sake, as it were, but when he'd spent a good amount of time with her, I would've gone up and interrupted them and reminded him he was there with you. I wonder why you didn't do this. If a brief reminder about who was who didn't break cup their cosy chat, I'd have told him I was leaving and done so.

Did she have a partner present as well?

TeeBee · 16/05/2022 11:02

FFS. I'd have got a taxi home too. You're under-reacting rather than over-reacting. I'd not be playing second fiddle to anyone.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 16/05/2022 11:05

Just to add, after 16 yrs, the need to dissect a past relationship in that way is quite odd. Sounds like unfinished business. He really doesn't behave appropriately. Odd desire to do it, and bad behaviour to actually do it. Sorry Flowers

Original poster
CandyLeBonBon · 16/05/2022 11:06

@MiaGain yes the fella she left him for. They were there together.

I didn't go up and interrupt because it felt proprietorial to do so.

It would have felt like I was being possessive and I'm generally not like that. I'm not a jealous person and I didn't want to seem like the jealous girlfriend.

It was her hugging and touching his face at the end of the night that really did it for me tbh. It just felt really inappropriate.

OP posts:
ElenaSt · 16/05/2022 11:08

You sat there like a wall flower not knowing anyone whilst he gave his full attention to another woman who also happened to be an ex partner.

I would have left after but as you didn't you can now tell him that upon reflection of him wasting your time that evening you have decided to now only spend your precious time with people that respect you, value you and find your company captivating.

Likewise you only want to be in the company of someone who is interesting, attentive and a joy to be with.

As he doesn't fit the bill you won't be wasting any more time with him.

wallsareclosingin · 16/05/2022 11:14

Getting nostalgic about a relationship that's been over for 16 years, in front of your partner and others is just weird! And so disrespectful to you. That would have made me livid.

Not sure what to say other than having a conversation with him about why after 16 years he's still harping on an old relationship. When you're present. To me, when faced with the 2 of you in front of him, if his instinct is to gravitate to her, I'd feel like a back up prize.

Did they go off privately to have a conversation - why didn't you go and interrupt after they'd been at it for a while?

Has he been able to explain why he forgot all about you and felt compelled to have a heart to heart with her at that very moment? I would suggest taking some space from him to figure out how you feel.

Original poster
CandyLeBonBon · 16/05/2022 11:15

In my defence, I wasn't a complete wallflower - I did dance with other people and sone encouraged me up to dance with them and join in, which I did - it's just that when I wasn't dancing I was kind of sat on my own because I didn't know anyone to talk to beyond surface level fluff!

OP posts:
Original poster
CandyLeBonBon · 16/05/2022 11:17

Yeah @wallsareclosingin that's kind of where I am really. I've just said I'm not sure what he can say to mitigate it really. He's sorry, of course, but it doesn't stop me feeling the way I do and it just really made me question his motives/mindset.

I think I just need some space to work out whether it was stupidity or if there's something more to it.

OP posts:
CantGetDecentNickname · 16/05/2022 11:28

Hi OP,

Your feelings here are completely normal. He went with you to the wedding so he should have spend the majority of his time with you, especially if you didn't know anyone else there. His behaviour was completely out of order. Fine to chat to an Ex for a while, but the flirting in front of you was completely disrespectful. I would have left without saying anything, just got a taxi and gone.

I'd recommend not contacting him or responding for a while, other than to tell him that you need some space to think things over if he contacts you and that since he managed to ignore you for the entire evening when you were supposed to be together, he shouldn't have too much difficulty giving you some space. I'd ignore (phone silent or off) after that. Leave him to reflect on his behaviour which he probably won't want to do as it might make him feel uncomfortable. Sounds like he's been getting away with being a bit "thoughtless" for quite some time and his behaviour is more "self-centred" than "thoughtless".

In the meantime, please see other friends/family and do activities with them and try not to dwell on it too much.

Good luck💐

Original poster
CandyLeBonBon · 16/05/2022 11:59

Thank you all. Good to know I'm not going bonkers!

OP posts:
catandcoffee · 16/05/2022 12:19

You should be his number 1 priority at the Wedding.

He has shown nothing but disrespect to you...don't allow it to happen again..walk away if need be.

He must still have feelings for the ex.. how dare he treat you like that.

Watchkeys · 16/05/2022 12:24

I'm not sure if my feelings are valid

Who is it that decides for you whether your feelings are valid? Not just this one, but in a general sense? How does it get decided if this feeling or that feeling is a feeling you're allowed to have? Whose rules do you follow?

Original poster
CandyLeBonBon · 16/05/2022 12:34

Watchkeys · 16/05/2022 12:24

I'm not sure if my feelings are valid

Who is it that decides for you whether your feelings are valid? Not just this one, but in a general sense? How does it get decided if this feeling or that feeling is a feeling you're allowed to have? Whose rules do you follow?

I get what you're saying. I spoke from a position of having many years both as a child and as an adult where my feelings about things were very much minimised and dismissed so I still struggle to own how I feel - it's a work in progress but years of that sirt of emotional conditioning takes its toll. I do recognise that I am allowed to feel the way I feel, but it's just sometimes difficult to recognise if I'm unreasonable or not, if that makes sense? I promise I'm not the wet lettuce I sound like - I'm just trying to have a grown up response to some difficult feelings rather than an emotional meltdown!

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 16/05/2022 22:03

Having a grown up response to your feelings has nothing to do with whether your feelings are valid. A grown up response is to state your feelings in a calm, clear way. So, if you and to throw the TV out of the window, you say, calmly and clearly, that that's what you want to do. You don't do it, but you do express it. Feelings aren't meant to be reasonable. That's what thoughts are for. They don't decide whether the feelings are acceptable or not; they just work out a way to present them acceptably.

Watchkeys · 16/05/2022 22:09

As for trusting your judgement, what dies that mean? That you might be unhappy with something when you shouldn't be unhappy with it? Again, who makes the rules about what should make you happy?

You're in charge, OP. You can't get it wrong, because it's you who needs to be happy with your decisions. Say what hurts you, once, to the person who hurt you. Calmly and clearly. If the two of you can't find a way to make you feel better, then that person is OK with you not feeling good. So that person is someone to avoid.

Original poster
CandyLeBonBon · 16/05/2022 22:41

Well I've done all of those things @Watchkeys - I mean I've definitely not thrown a tv out of the window or anything. And I've made it crystal clear how I feel (I may have thrown the odd f-bomb in for good measure but that's not generally out of character!) so I guess we'll see.

OP posts:
Original poster
CandyLeBonBon · 16/05/2022 22:42

But Thankyou for distilling your thoughts @Watchkeys - your comments have really helped. Flowers

OP posts:
Zerrin13 · 17/05/2022 00:42

Op i have ADHD but I wouldn't have any difficulty in working out that I wasn't being unreasonable by being extremely unimpressed by his behaviour. This is all kinds of wrong. He is an utter asshole and he has no respect for you or your feelings. Who abandons their partner at a wedding to spend the evening talking to their ex of 16 years? What on earth would they have to talk about regarding their past relationship? He just left you to get on with it without a thought or care for you. He obviously still has a thing for her and its been going on for 16 fucking long years. I'd leave him to his infatuation and dump him. He doesn't deserve you.