Please help me stop feeling shit about this

[CandyLeBonBon]

I've been mulling over something that happened over the weekend that made me feel really upset but I'm not sure if my feelings are valid or if I'm just being a drama Queen. I feel pretty upset and shitty about what happened and can't seem to shake myself out of it so I'm hoping some outside perspective might help?

Went to a wedding on Saturday with my partner of 4 years. We live apart if that's relevant, but fully committed etc.

His ex (broke up 16 years ago) was there. He knew she was going to be there but didn't tell me, which in itself and as a stand-alone issue, I was ok with, although if the boot was on the other foot, I'd have mentioned it.

For context, this is a woman he compared me to immediately after we'd had sex fairly early on in our relationship, which I said was out of order, but it's consequently always made me feel that maybe there's unfinished business?

Anyway, she was there, I was polite when introduced and thought nothing more of it until my bf decided to spend most of the evening talking to her about their relationship/breakup leaving me on my own like a lemon. It must have been fairly obvious as people kept asking if I was ok etc. I didn't know anyone else at this wedding so it was a bit uncomfortable.

I feel pretty hurt and upset, and can't shake myself out of it, but wonder if I'm making a mountain out of a molehill? I have had two abusive, traumatising relationships, a difficult childhood where relationships were abusive and violent, and a shit marriage so I'm not sure I trust my judgement. I also have adhd so can find myself emotionally overwhelmed quite easily. He's generally a good egg, but sometimes thoughtless. Would you struggle with this or is it just me being stupid?

Very disrespectful of him. He should have been with you at that wedding enjoying your company and making sure you were happy. Not his ex. It depends on what the rest of the relationship is like but to me it seems like you are not a priority and after 4 years you should be. I'm not sure I'd get past this.

I would really struggle with this. Big time. I find it to be incredibly disrespectful and inappropriate that he did that.
How awful for you. I can see why you're upset and angry. Please don't minimise how you feel about it.
Him saying a quick hello and maybe a quick chat would seem fair enough, but certainly not to leave you out of that. The fact he then left you on your own to spend half the evening talking to her is massively hurtful and disrespectful.

I would not have been happy. Firstly rude and secondly why didn't he beat a hasty retreat when she was all touchy feely. Your feelings are entirely valid.

Another one saying he behaved terribly, and others clearly felt the same as they tried to include you in their evening. I would hsve been mortified and so Ngry, I would have left I think. Where was her partner while she and your parter were re visiting their relationship?

Inappropriate.

Many a person would have left.

What was her partner doing while they were doing this?!

Taking about an ex imdyrubf the after glow of first time sex (or any sex) with a new partner also shows skge major lack of .... I don't know, empathy, sense of appropriate behaviour, discretion, good sense, etc. There something not quite right with him. Would doubt he's going to improve much.

I Don't know. But he was the one she cheated on my bf with 16 years ago.

@Weatherwax13 I've asked him that. Apparently she wanted to talk about the relationship and how it ended. He didn't seem to recognise that it was entirely inappropriate bearing in mind I was at the wedding with him and nor did it occur to him to tell her that this was neither the time nor the place. Honestly the thing that upset me the most was the look on his face as they said goodbye. It was just so intimate.

He was rude and disrespectful and did not have your back at all. A partner should make sure you are OK at a social function where you don't know anyone, and should not concentrate on an Ex at the expense of his partner. Terrible behaviour.

He has been massively, massively disrespectful to you. He behaved as if you were nothing really. Your presence and needs and feelings were completely expunged by her and his drive to connect/rehash their intimacy.

All evening? Yeah it would be a deal breaker for me.

What a shit bag. I hope you have intentions to leave him. He's clearly proved that he holds a candle for her 15 Years later and that you are second best. I honestly don't know why you would want to stay with him after that.
What was her partner doing all the time they were in their love bubble?

@Mally100 well he was instrumental in their breakup so I'm not really sure tbh. It was all a bit weird. Personally I can't think of anything worse than socialising with any of my exes beyond a coolly polite 'hello' but maybe that's just me. Apparently they were all part of a wider friendship group and he wanted it not to feel 'weird' and wanted to not feel like he was excluded because of it.

I don't know. I'm baffled really.

I wouldn't be happy and I wouldn't be happy that after 16 years he was seemingly totally happy to leave you alone to rehash their break up?! 16 years.

Completely disrespectful. I would have felt just as you did, humiliated, especially as others noticed and were commenting.

I would have left. I’m appalled he treated you like that, how could he be so stupid? And a relationship from 16 years ago? Ridiculous and extremely disrespectful.

Wow, I would have left.

Definitely totally wrong!

Thankyou again. I've avoided him but have been very clear about why I'm upset.

Im meeting him tomorrow to talk things through in person, because if im going to end it, text is not the way.

As a pp said, if I've made my feelings clear and he's not prepared to work with me to repair the damage, then he's not a good person, is he?

He claims he will do anything to make it right, so we'll see.

I've given people chances before and it's ended badly so the jury's out, tbh.

Wow, your partner has incredibly weak character.

There is maybe one ex who I would like to have a conversation with at a wedding, but I never would because it would be inappropriate and disrespectful to my DH.

I would be cordial and say a quick hello and exchange niceties, with my DH present, because that’s the most respectful thing to do. I know my DH would do the same. This is definitely not a humble brag, but more me trying to give you a wake-up call that you absolutely don’t have to accept this kind of behaviour, and that men who will match your integrity (you said you would not have behaved like your partner) do exist.

You seem lovely, and frankly deserve someone who is on your same level of respect and integrity. I also would bet that you’d never dream of comparing him to your ex, especially not in a post-coital scenario.

Side note: I also have ADHD, and forgive me, but I don’t see how it’s relevant to what you’ve told us about. Your feelings are valid. They will always be valid. Don’t be so quick to minimise and invalidate your own human experience because of the ADHD. I wish I could give you the biggest hug.

As a pp said, if I've made my feelings clear and he's not prepared to work with me to repair the damage, then he's not a good person, is he

Careful of this blanket judgement. Your relationship might not work, but it won't be helpful to feel that he isn't good. It'll bring blame into things. He's allowed to do things his way; you're entitled to leave. You're both adults. You don't get to decide who's good and who's bad, just who you do/don't get on with.

Really disrespectful, as was the initial comment after sex which really shows a pattern of behaviour here.

Why are you even fighting for him though? Why do you want to give him encouragement to try to fix it?

He really doesn’t sound worth it.

OP he has given you a real insight into his mindset with regard to the ex and this for me would be a huge red flag.
If he did this to me I would have walked away and gone home.
He is not a keeper