“In” love with dh or in love with him

[VJasper86]

I started counselling last week to work through some issues that are currently making me unsure in my marriage.
Session was great but she asked me to go away and think if I am “in” love with dh.
I genuinely don5 know how I’d know, what would you say are the signs of being “in” love with a partner you have been with over a decade and who was your first partner (therefore no comparisons)

I think this can be a bit of a buckshot question tbh.

’in love’ generally mean the butterflies, excitement of early love.

ten years in it will be different.

i find the ‘are you in love’ question a bit immature after the first few years.

is hw a good man? Kind, caring, responsible? Does he care about you and take care of you? Does he understand you? Is he willing to work on things that matter to you? Does he listen to you? Is he fun?

my DH is all of these things and so I love him.

In love is for teenagers who dump their boyfriends for a new crush every other month. This therapist sounds like an idiot frankly.

love in a long marriage context I think means you care for and respect the other person, they are a good companion to you and treat you with kindness and you value the life you’ve built with them. The modern world needs to stop with the school girl crap already, how the hell will anyone stay married pondering daily if they’re “in love” with their husband of 50 years or whatever.

Maybe she means 'in love' as in loving a partner, as in sexually, physically attracted, bonded, etc.
Whereas 'love' means feeling affection that you'd feel for your dog or an aunt or a chocolate éclair.

Your therapist sounds shit.
As though she’s watched one too many roms coms

It's a crap question. I've been in my relationship 14 years , I have times when I fancy him like mad. Times when I feel deeply in love, times when I'm ambivalent, times when he irritates the hell out of me. I love him and I want to be with him but do I feel in love? It depends on the day. Do you want to be with your partner? Can you imagine splitting up? I'd think about those points. And don't worry if you don't have a answer. That's the point of counselling a safe place to explore.

That seems a daft question from a counsellor
Most unhelpful.

I would've thought it better to explore the level and quality of things like affection, respect, trust, interest in each other, sex, friendship, finances, shared workload and responsibility.
Are you happy with these big ticket items? Presumably not if you're in therapy.
You don't need to be puzzling over some nebulous concept.
You need to think about whether your needs are being met and if not, would changes from your husband make you actively want to be with him?
Or are you at the point where no amount of effort can rekindle your feelings toward him?
Far more pertinent questions.

Tbh I think she maybe more trying to get me to think about what being "in" love at this point means to me and I am just stumped, maybe it's because I'm not and I am trying to find evidence that I am, I don't know.
And I guess that's the thing, I know what it feels like at the start, but this far in is it just companionship, do people still get butterflies sometimes.
I don't get butterflies, I don't want to rush to tell him when something good has happened to me (I do if it's the kids), I don't feel sexually attracted to him right now, I don't feel he supports our life together massively he just rides the wave of me doing most of the work.
I know a lot of people go through rough patches or have partners who they feel don't share the load, but if you are still "in" love with them, how does that manifest itself.
It's still very early in our sessions, but she's the first counsellor that I have actually been truly honest with and felt able to share my pain.

“i find the ‘are you in love’ question a bit immature after the first few years.

is hw a good man? Kind, caring, responsible? Does he care about you and take care of you? Does he understand you? Is he willing to work on things that matter to you? Does he listen to you? Is he fun?”

@Catsstillrock what if your DH is all of these things but you feel no desire to have sex with him and see him like a sibling rather than a sexual partner? Is it immature to be concerned about that after ten years?

I was still in love 15 years in with ex.

He was the only person I wanted to tell the great and mundane to of my life.
Occasionally he'd look at me and I'd think "you're fucking hot and you're all mine".
I enjoyed his company and he made me laugh.
I knew he was there for me, so I relied on him.
He occasionally made me feel amazing in the way he spoke to me.

That's what I would have said in yr15. Things changed in year 16, hence he's now my ex!

@BabCNesbitt

Yes but that’s really a You problem rather than something wrong with DH

@Catsstillrock That may well be the case, but why is it immature to want to be attracted to the person you share a house and possibly a bed with? Is it really the case that after ten years, kindness and responsibility are enough? And if it is a 'you' problem, as you put it, maybe that's what the counsellor is trying to sound out by asking the question - if she doesn't feel like that, why not? What is it in the dynamic of the relationship that makes her question what she feels for such a perfect specimen?

It’s immature because she was once attracted to this person enough to have children with him, if he has not seriously changed but only her feelings have, then leaving him will mean splitting up the family and the childrens home (and screwing up his life’s/business plans so they need to reset) and it’s really not “happy mum = happy kids” that is bs. And she will be doing all this despite promising the exact opposite and believing it at the time and presumably entering into this intending to give the children a stable home etc and meaning her wedding vows.

Only to leave and break all that despite him being more or less the same, because her crush ended.

That’s alright when your in high school, but when married it’s pretty fickle and I don’t support it and never will. To me adult love with family has to be more than fleeting feelings and sexual attraction which come and go - especially as we go through childbirth and menapause and hormones change and influence our feelings (or lack of them). Do you really think all the 80 year old happily marrieds were always mutually hot for each other every step of the way? Of course not.
Love in a marriage has to be more than just a feeling, it has to be a goal and an idea. Love is just as much a situation of a loving home than a lifelong crush.

Im older so I remember when there was more pressure on people to stay together. That was bad in some ways but also good in others because perfectly compatible people weren’t always navel gazing about wether they were really in love - they just got on with family and being happy and from that love came and went and came back again and they shared a life together. Many don’t know what they will be missing by giving that up. A shared history, an equal care for grandchildren if any, an easier living situation - which in turn make life easier and happier.

Right. I’m not going to rehash the whole “do you need to be attracted to your partner” thing because I’ve seen many threads on here litigating the same thing for nearly 1000 posts, but you can be assured that many people don’t agree that losing desire for one’s husband is inherently “immature”.

@BabCNesbitt

Right. But splitting the family because of your lost desire when there is no other change is.

And anyway, those who disagree are probably the kind of immature people who would do what I’m talking about so…

Some really interesting points, I don't want this to turn into people arguing, I'm genuinely just interested to what being in love with your long term partner means to you.
For some people that is companionship, safety and comfort, others its still having the excitement that they felt when they were first together.
For transparency my relationship has potentially always been in a troubled place. I have severe low self esteem so accepted things I shouldn't have because I felt I didn't deserve better.
So yes, I loved him enough to have children with him, but did I, or was I just settling for the best I though I could have. Plus since having children I believe he was unfaithful (he always denied it) but I stayed because I didn't want the family to fall apart.
It's all things I am working through as I don't intend to split up a family unless I am completely sure. I am hoping that working on myself and these issues and the questions that the Councillor raises will help me to better see the true relationship I have and therefore have a clearer path.

I'd be finding a new therapist. What a stupid question.

Are you glad when he comes in the door after being away? Do you look forward to telling him things about your day? Do you like receiving his texts?

is he the first person you turn to when you need help or sympathy?

This is an interesting one as I do see what she's getting at. I would say I'm still very much 'in love' with DH after 10 years – I find him attractive, I want to have sex with him, I am happy when he gets home, and lots of other 'feelings' that can't really be expressed, but I suppose amount to still having 'passion' for our relationship - little touches and kisses throughout the day, feelings I get when I look at him sometimes, that kind of thing.

In a previous relationship I loved my ex but didn't feel in love with him towards the end. There wasn't any of the spontaneous touching or kissing, the desire, the little things that made our relationship not just platonic. It felt like living with a housemate I suppose.

Of course stuff changes over the years. DH and I aren't at it like rabbits like we were at the start, we've gone through peaks and troughs in terms of intimacy after having DC, but I've still always felt that 'something' is there, that kind of spark where I don't just feel like I would about a family member.

That's not to say that platonic relationships can't work long-term though. If both parties are happy with how things evolve then that's all that matters. But for some people, intimacy, that kind of spark, a level of desire is something that is an integral part of a healthy relationship. And I imagine that's what she's trying to tease out - whether that is important to you and if so, if it's something that currently exists for you.

That's interesting @Hugasauras and yes, I think the counsellor is trying to push me to ask questions of myself.
What I think a relationship means, what I want in life and then it prompts discussions for next week, like why do I feel that way, what might have led to it, how can I rebuild myself and what might that do to the relationship (positively or negatively)

@sleepymum50 Honestly, something could happen at work like I get asked to put myself forward for something or I get some positive feedback and he isn't the person I strive to tell. I would go to my friends for comfort and sympathy.
But then I do get moments when I feel "comfortable" but I'm not sure if that's just because we are so used to our life together that things just feel normal. I am not bothered about kissing or hugging him, don't currently find him sexually appealing, find him frustrating as I've taken on a some big responsibilities over the past 12-18 months and he didnt step up, he just left me trying to stay afloat (he knew I was struggling, and was increasing medication that i was on, but he still chose to not try to help, that could potentially be why I'm not sexually attracted to him atm, because all I have is the hell I've dealt with on my own the past 12 months)

It's maybe a bit morbid, but how do you completely honestly feel if you imagine that he died? Imagine it's a year later. Is it upsetting because your children have lost their dad, or because you've lost your financial security, or a bit of a relief because you can move on, or sad because his mum is devistated, or absolutely unimaginable end of the world? Probably a mixture of all of them, but the dominant one might give you a clue to how you feel.

It's amazing how many people were triggered by the question and encouraging you to find a new therapist.

Without being in the therapy session with you no one can judge your therapist or your therapy/ That exactly what therapy challenges you to do, think - think about what in love means to you.

Being "In Love" changes as the relationship develops. Its does not necessarily mean one thing. For those who find the question immature or stupid, you may find yourself in a situation one day where you are sorry that you settled for less than you deserve OR you may not OR you may be in love and just not have put a label on it. Romantic love, or the honeymoon phase at the beginning of a relationship, is not the only time we are "in love".

Being in love is a connected feeling. It's hard to put words on and honestly, I didn't know what it was until I felt it. I was "in love" with my first husband. I loved him, we had children but things fell apart because there was no connection. We lasted 13 years all in all. I am with my current husband just over 10 years and I can say, wholeheartedly, that I am in love with him.

That doesn't mean he doesn't drive me up he walls sometimes but it means that he'e the one person I feel at home with. Only my kids come above him. He is comfort, he is home, he is the person I want to tell things to, hes the one I can sit comfortably with in silence - he is so many things - but that MY experience of being "in love", yours will be different.

11 years in and I would say I'm still in love with my husband. It manifests it lots of ways. I feel safe with him. I miss him when he isn't around. I feel bonded to him, we are a unit. He still 'catches my eye', I glimps him doing something and can't help but smile at how handsome he is. He brings out the best in me but never judges the worst bits of me. I can't wait to kiss him if we have been apart. We do little things for each other every day. The smell of his skin triggers a gentle settled feeling in me. And I consider him to be one of the best humans I've ever met.

”I think this is immature and anyone who disagrees with me is probably immature.” 🙄😄

If desire goes, or that feeling of being “in love” (or whatever you want to call it, but @Hugasauras describes it well), there’s almost certainly something underlying that. That’s probably what she’s trying to tease out and get you to think about - what are your feelings, and why might that be?

@Allthecheeseplease ive tried not to focus on what people think of the therapist as such if I am honest. I've had counselling before and it was futile. I didn't feel at ease, wasn't able to open up and in a few weeks I was creating a persona of feeling like I'd worked through my main issues (I hadn't even brought up the potential infidelity)
For me, it's a lot about if she is able to provide a safe space for me to really talk and that she then questions me to encourage me to make decisions about what is right for me. Definitely trying to tease some thoughts from me which is good.
I don't think counselling is like the therapy you see on US TV dramas where its all about someone taking notes and explaining why you behave as you do or your trauma, it's about asking questions to help you navigate a path that is right for you.
I am fine her asking big questions as long as I feel safe answering them, and she's made it very clear that we go as far as I want to, that I am in control.

I don’t think it’s a stupid question at all. It’s got you thinking which is the point. I tend to think if you are “in love” then you know and wouldn’t have any doubts when asked.

Being in love feels different to the other kinds of love you hopefully have in your relationships with children, friends, siblings, parents etc.

I’ve had several long term relationships and I’m on my second marriage and I’m more in love with my husband than I’ve ever been with anyone else and it’s stronger now than when we first fell in love. With time and shared good and bad experiences our marriage has got stronger and grown in lots of ways - trust, respect, mutual support, just knowing each other better - and those things happen in friendships too. But the “in love” part is the same and better, attraction, chemistry, real closeness, being a team - and that’s what makes it different from a friendship. I’m excited to see him at the end of the day, he’s my first call for good, bad or insignificant news. He’s my greatest comfort and support. The thought of him dying devastates me.

I’d keep working with her and hopefully the process is helpful. I hope things improve for you.