My friend's dh is a real wanker and I find it hard to deal with.

[Barnabee]

He's financially abusive, she has to hand her savings to him on demand. He's abusive as in shouting/swearing and throwing things (that smash). I won't mention what goes on in the bedroom. The bit that I'm finding hard is that I've supported my friend for a long time now (years) and I just feel sick of it all. When we're together it's like I'm talking to a zombie. I've kept the friendship going because we have hobbies in common and I wanted to offer her a shoulder, hoping that in time she'd feel strong enough to leave. She won't leave though because she believes she couldn't support herself financially and she says she's showing the dc that you work on your issues & not walk away. The irony of it is, she's a couples counsellor for Relate. I'm tired now of the only topics we share when we meet are his topics. The same stuff gets rolled-out again and again. I wouldn't stand this shite in my own life. How can I refresh myself to handle this better?

The only way is boundaries. Point out what you've said here to her - gently, but clearly. Tell her that you support her and you don't judge her, but you physically cannot talk about nothing but her arsehole H any more.

Then take some space. See other people more, talk to her less. Whether she ultimately leaves him or not is not your responsibility; she'll do it or she won't, but she won't not do it because you took a needed break for a while.

You have my sympathies.

I had this with 2 friends at concurrent times - they didn't know each other, one was a v long term friend who lived a while away and was in a coercively controlling relationship, and the other a very local friend who was going through DV.

In the end I felt traumatised by listening to all of it, especially what the kids were going through (I reported some stuff to social services behind the back of my local friend because I couldn't just ignore it).

The local DV friend eventually left the dickhead and he is still putting her through hell, she still trauma dumps on me whenever I see her so I have limited contact. Not because I don't care or don't support her but because it was just awful to listen to and really upsetting.

The other one I sat on my hands and didn't say what I thought of her husband. She was in therapy trying to 'fix' herself (because he'd gaslighted her into thinking she was the problem).

After about 3 years of listening to it I just outright said what I thought - not in an unkind way but I said how controlling he was. Not long after she started character assassinating me then evicted me from her life. I wish I hadn't bothered listening to it all for so many years.

I think sometimes by listening we (very unintentionally) enable these people to stay. Because we provide a valve where they can let off steam and that delays the leaving.

I'm sorry you've going through this but your frustrations are valid and it's ok to take a step back for you.

Leaving an abusive partner can be incredibly difficult. She is likely to be trauma bonded to him, poor woman. The fact she is a counsellor is irrelevant. It’s easier to advise others than it is to realise how horrendously you are being treated yourself.
I understand your frustration op, but please don’t give up on your friend completely. You may well be her only support . Even if that means listening to the things she shares about her partner. I hope eventually she is able to get away from him. She’ll need friends more than ever then.

I think id tell her that I would support her to dump his abusive arse, but if she wont do that then you wont be listening to it anymore. If she hates it that much then she needs to shit or get off the pot because listening to how hes treating someone you love gives you anxiety.

Being her listening ear/shoulder to cry on/ free therapist is probably helping her cope with staying with him

Explains why lots of people find Relate to be a complete waste of time

i feel sorry for her as I do ant woman stuck in an abusive relationship but for someone with the tools and training to see it for what it is, and still to stay, I’d have very little patience tbh.

I certainly wouldn’t want to talk to him, about him or “his topics” so I think I’d say to her that you understand why she feels she has to (yes, plenty of women do manage as single mums but it certainly isn’t easy) but you don’t want to talk about him.

I was on the other side of this. I was in a relationship and blind to how abusive it was. I had friends who refused to come to my house because they could not stand to see how I was treated.

But whatever they said about the relationship, I just couldn't hear them

Thank goodness they stuck by me though, when I eventually (years later) had a moment of blinding clarity and managed to leave, those friends were my lifeline. And importantly, they stopped me from being dragged back in to a web of lies and false promises.

Can I ask what it was that gave you the clarity @venusandmars ?

I think you need ro assert some boundaries and at the same time plant some seeds. Eg
Listen lovely friend I need to talk to you about something. I know youre not happy in this relationship. If you need me to (whatever youre comfortable with)

• keep an emergency escape bag
• research shl
• keep your documents safe
• put you up for a month or so
• help you open a secret bank account
• give you a deposit for a house

Then I will do that in a heartbeat. But I simply cant listen to you anymore.

Please don't take the above advice.

WHen I was in a situation like that and was a zombie and couldn't think of anything than him, I had friends who stood by me and friends who said "i dont want to talk/hear about him".

The first are friends, the second are not.

What do you suggest, then? That OP burns herself out listening? Throws her own happines and sanity down the tubes of her friend's marriage? Who will that help?

OP gets to not be able to do that anymore.

Well, it will help their friendship.

I'm glad she "gets to" , but sadly that's not a friend.

The OP is allowed to have her own boundaries and be protective of her well-being. That doesn’t mean she isn’t a friend, it’s a healthy thing to do

I agree with the previous posters. You can tell her that you care for her and your friendship with her, you’ll help her if she ever needs you, but you need a break from talking about him all the time.

So what does the friend do in the meantime?

OP do you think there is some professional embarrassment about leaving a partner in her opinion and that’s why she stays e.g. it won’t look great if a Relate counsellor has a failed relationship?

Regardless you do need to be honest with her and say although you care about her and will be there if she ever decides to leave, you do have to protect your own mental well-being and can’t be an emotional rock forever, at some point she has to take control of her own happiness (or unhappiness if she stays)

I agree with PPs that you need to implement boundaries in your conversations. I know other posters have expressed concern about what the friend will do, but the risky alternative is that by not implementing those boundaries and going round and round about the same topics, you may end up so tired and frustrated by it all that you stop seeing her.

I'm sure as a Relate counsellor she'd be the first to say having boundaries is healthy.

I'm glad she "gets to" , but sadly that's not a friend.

Sincerely, I think you may benefit from doing a bit more sorting your own head out, because I don't think you realise how dysfunctional what you've said in this thread is.

It's up to OP's friend what she does when she can no longer endlessly one-way dump on OP. I feel for her sincerely, but she is still an adult, and no one can change her situation but her.

There’s plenty of good suggestions in this thread. Expecting a friend to put their own feelings and well-being aside in order to act as a quasi counsellor is codependent behaviour.

I agree with this and I don’t think encouraging the kind of dependence stopwaiting has had on her own friends will help the op, or the ops friend.

Oh thanks for that advice. Great help.

It actually IS helpful!

Endlessly listening to a friend who is talking ad infinitum about her horrible situation, without even trying to do something to change it, is ultimately pointless.

In fact it can become enabling and potentially leads to the kind of paralysis that prevents the victim of abuse from taking any constructive action.

It is perfectly reasonable to refuse to go over the same ground again and again, whilst making it clear that you'll be there for her and help once she has decided to leave her abuser.

I agree with all the posters who are saying you have to look after your own wellbeing. You can't make your friend leave her husband, and you can't stop the hurt he's causing her. You can make sure she knows you're there when she decides she is ready to consider leaving. You can make sure she knows you love her and she's deserves better than he's giving. But you don't have to hang around and harm your own wellbeing - your life is also important, you deserve better too.

It isn't fair on you or anyone else you have depending on you if you make yourself ill worrying about your friend. You'll be no good to your friend if you wring yourself out trying to help.

I completely agree with this.

I listened for years and years and years to this stuff, breaking my own heart in the process.

First thing my friend did when she finally left the abusive husband?

Brought a new man into her kid's lives to live with them. I mean within weeks.

I was so fucking out by that point.

Thats absolutely not true. Friends are allowed to have boundaries. A friend is not a free therapist. Obviously you need to be able to talk things through with very good friends, but if its neverending and just offloading without any attempt to improve their own situation, thats abusing the friendship

And that's why you pay for counselling or any listening service ..friends get worn out and eventually despair...45 mins of other peoples issues with no resolution from the client is work ( ex counsellor here ), so OP I suggest you offer her one friendship session a week ..sit ,listen ,dont fix..and then deflect or shut down other moanathons and gently explain why .