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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fiancé cheated

26 replies

WatchaknowJoe · 15/05/2022 19:04

We have been together for 4 years and she is pregnant with our second child. I’ve always suspected she hasn’t been totally honest about a guy she was involved with before we met, I eventually caved and snooped (not proud). She had been sexting him throughout lockdown and had been doing a lot more pre lockdown essentially since we got together (a good 2 years). I’m devastated and furious at the same time. I know that if I confront her it will likely be the end of our relationship, if it was just us I would already have done it. However as we already have a little girl and with another on the way it isn’t quite as straight forward as that, and I’m scared that I’ll not see my children out of this. I’m at a total loss at what to do, and it is playing on my mind almost 24/7 - she has noticed my mood swings which is making it worse.

OP posts:
LoveSpringDaffs · 15/05/2022 19:09

I'm so sorry.

it's a hard decision with kids anyway, but so much harder when they're so young and until the baby is actually born she could move to Mars (except for your Dd) & there's nothing you could do about it.

when did you find out?

Do you think she's seeing him 'in oerson' now?

AnyFucker · 15/05/2022 19:14

Are you sure the children are yours ?

Imissmoominmama · 15/05/2022 19:15

You will still see your children, if you really want to.

2bazookas · 15/05/2022 19:17

I'd want a DNA test for the new baby (and maybe the first).

Bananarama21 · 15/05/2022 19:17

I would wonder if the child/ren are yours tbh. It sounds like a lot in such a short time. This is no way to live watching your back.

cheshirebloke · 15/05/2022 19:22

First thing you should be doing is DNA tests. Obviously can't test paternity of the 2nd child until after it's been born. I've been where you are, and not knowing ate me up inside.

Your relationship is already over (or it isn't what you ever thought it was). But you can stay and carry on being taken for a mug. Unfortunately you're in a lose/lose situation.

PurassicJark · 15/05/2022 20:23

Unfortunately, you're going to have to check the kids are actually yours. Since she's been shagging another guy through your whole relationship, you can't be sure they are yours.

And dump her. You deserve better than a cheating bitch, she has no respect for you at all. You will still get to see your kids, if they are yours, she can't stop you. You can go through court and force her.

Yellowhase · 15/05/2022 20:52

You need to tell her you know. You need to talk. Be honest and hopefully she will be too. Being unhappy isn’t the way forward.

ElenaSt · 15/05/2022 20:58

How utterly awful for you.

Women usually find it easy to get support from other women in similar circumstances so I hope that you have supportive family and or friends.

As hard as it is to conceal anger, please try and keep calm so that whatever the circumstances are regarding the children any arrangements can be made amicably.

DogsAndGin · 15/05/2022 21:11

You will still see your children OP.

altmember · 15/05/2022 21:30

DogsAndGin · 15/05/2022 21:11

You will still see your children OP.

Yes - every other weekend and maybe one evening a week, if he's lucky. Meanwhile she'll get the majority of the marital assets and he'll have to pay maintenance in lieu of living with his children. It's hardly surprising that most men forgive a cheating wife, but women file for divorce for even the most trivial reason.

PurassicJark · 15/05/2022 22:01

altmember · 15/05/2022 21:30

Yes - every other weekend and maybe one evening a week, if he's lucky. Meanwhile she'll get the majority of the marital assets and he'll have to pay maintenance in lieu of living with his children. It's hardly surprising that most men forgive a cheating wife, but women file for divorce for even the most trivial reason.

Show quote history

Er fiance.. They aren't married. She gets fuck all.

Marineboy67 · 16/05/2022 09:13

altmember · 15/05/2022 21:30

Yes - every other weekend and maybe one evening a week, if he's lucky. Meanwhile she'll get the majority of the marital assets and he'll have to pay maintenance in lieu of living with his children. It's hardly surprising that most men forgive a cheating wife, but women file for divorce for even the most trivial reason.

Show quote history

Yes exactly this...you'll be in spare room/bedsit land whilst your ex and her never was an ex will be enjoying the home and the things you shared together. The untold stories of the Dad's end of the deal.
I'm really sorry this is happening for you, was in a similar situation for a couple of years. It's awful but your best getting this out in the open before it drives you round the bend.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 16/05/2022 09:34

Sorry OP but you will need a DNA test, I'm so sorry but there's no other way.

The longer you sit on this the worse you're going to feel. Have a think about whether you definitely want to split and how, practically, you can arrange to share your children 50/50 (you won't get 50/50 with a newborn but you should once weaned.)

Maybe have an initial consultation with a solicitor so you know how a CAO is likely to go. Speak with family/friends re childcare, employer re flexible hours.

Then decide if you want to stay together. You don't have to split if you don't want to, but you'll have to accept that she's most likely never going to be monogamous.

wombat1a · 16/05/2022 09:47

You need to do a DNA test on the 1st one asap, knowing the results from that will certainly give you some guidance on what to do next.

blueagain · 16/05/2022 10:01

@Marineboy67 thats completely false. Todays world is different. Every split couple I know (and it’s a lot) have 50%. That’s the starting point these days. This poster is not married. His girlfriend has no rights (in law) to any assets that aren’t in her name. He gives her nothing. End of. It doesn’t matter what you believe to be true, the law is the law and she’s not entitled to the things you describe. Please stop ranting and being inaccurate as this poor guy has enough on his plate without being lied to (again).

If the children are yours (get a DNA) then there is no reason you can’t petition for 50%. Once the baby isn’t BF then you will get that. Don’t write or shout anything aggressive or nasty that can be used against you. Stay dignified. Do not approach the other guy. Video any conversations you have with her about any of this stuff so that you are protected. Take this seriously and don’t let emotions run away with you or give her any cause to accuse you of abuse.

Next, see a solicitor. Get proper advice. Do exactly what the solicitor says. Above all, control yourself. I know it’s hard in emotionally turbulent circumstances but an acquaintance lost the plot in similar circumstances and confronted the woman and the guy she was cheating with. It did not go well. Police were called. He was prosecuted. He lost access to the kids because of it. You could remove yourself from the home environment today and pursue everything remotely and never speak or see her again. That would be your best option. Keep copies/proof of the cheating messages. Back everything up.

She could be planning to leave you anyway so you are best to see the solicitor and get things sorted. Do not marry her.

Good luck.

Sittingonabench · 16/05/2022 10:31

That is hard. Pp are right there’s no point brushing it under the carpet as it has impacted your relationship already. I would give her the opportunity to be open and honest with you as it’s possible you’ll get more information that way. Don’t tell her what you know and see if she is honest. The relationship for me would be over but if she can be honest then it’s possible to end on better terms for the kids. If she continues to lie then that’s not great.

MagicMixUps · 16/05/2022 11:34

DNA tests and do not marry this person.
You'll still see your children.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 16/05/2022 12:11

They are not married yet, so there will be no divorce. If you want to see your children you can, probably not 50/50 if they are still babies, but if you stay involved there is no reason why it couldn't be that when they are a bit older.

Just talk to her, she is obviously not happy and it would be silly to try and keep it a secret that you know. Figure out a way forward that's all you can do.

iex · 16/05/2022 12:15

I agree, once a cheater always a cheater

I also agree with DNA tests

Casper10 · 16/05/2022 12:24

You're obviously a in very tricky spot. Get the DNA test done.

If the child / children are yours you don't really want to leave the home until you have child contact matters resolved but obviously that's a lot more difficult given she's pregnant with number two.

Whatever you do make sure you don't marry this woman.

whymewhyme · 16/05/2022 12:32

God how awfull, tell her you know, dont believe he BS, DNA test is your main priority and a sti check. End it, you will still see your children

splishsplashsploshsplish · 16/05/2022 12:40

As all other PP's hav said

Edi111 · 16/05/2022 12:48

I am looking for some advice or maybe a sounding board as don't feel I can talk to any friends about this.
Last night my husband fell asleep with his phone open I saw lots of messages to a woman, I read them all and although they've never met they have been having a text relationship for almost 6 months. It started on a fetish group so it's partly that but also just constant to talk about what they're doing our life even talking about my children which I found really hard to stomach. I confronted him and he said they're just friends it's nothing and they met online and just clicked. I am so angry I can barely cope with the rage today. I insisted last night he call her I don't know why he did and told her I knew everything she said she was a professional fetish person and although he doesn't pay her it was nothing more than a friendship with some fetish play. She then got upset on the phone crying and he asked me if he could go and talk to her for a while, I think it just hurt me more than anything. I told him to delete all contact with her which he did but now he's at work and I can only imagine him pining after her all day and it's making me feel sick and again so angry.
I want to make him leave or me to leave but we can't afford it, we have children and mortgage and debt and realistically I can't see how we can afford to separate.
I just don't know what to do, I am so blind sided by this.
Anyone any advice?

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 16/05/2022 12:56

blueagain · 16/05/2022 10:01

@Marineboy67 thats completely false. Todays world is different. Every split couple I know (and it’s a lot) have 50%. That’s the starting point these days. This poster is not married. His girlfriend has no rights (in law) to any assets that aren’t in her name. He gives her nothing. End of. It doesn’t matter what you believe to be true, the law is the law and she’s not entitled to the things you describe. Please stop ranting and being inaccurate as this poor guy has enough on his plate without being lied to (again).

If the children are yours (get a DNA) then there is no reason you can’t petition for 50%. Once the baby isn’t BF then you will get that. Don’t write or shout anything aggressive or nasty that can be used against you. Stay dignified. Do not approach the other guy. Video any conversations you have with her about any of this stuff so that you are protected. Take this seriously and don’t let emotions run away with you or give her any cause to accuse you of abuse.

Next, see a solicitor. Get proper advice. Do exactly what the solicitor says. Above all, control yourself. I know it’s hard in emotionally turbulent circumstances but an acquaintance lost the plot in similar circumstances and confronted the woman and the guy she was cheating with. It did not go well. Police were called. He was prosecuted. He lost access to the kids because of it. You could remove yourself from the home environment today and pursue everything remotely and never speak or see her again. That would be your best option. Keep copies/proof of the cheating messages. Back everything up.

She could be planning to leave you anyway so you are best to see the solicitor and get things sorted. Do not marry her.

Good luck.

What a great post 💯 agree with this.
you need to get a legal Paternity test on both children to establish if you are the father for custody/ CMS., and absolutely do not marry this woman.