AIBU about my partner

[Mummytomybabies]

Me and my partner aren't married.

We have been together for 4 years and have a 2 year old son and 3 year old daughter.

We rent but our aim is to buy a house.

The rent, bills, food, car and all outgoings come to about £1500 each per month.

I'm an accountant, he has his own business. To put in perspective, I earn £2200 a month and he makes £8k plus.

So after I've paid my bills etc for the house I may have a couple hundred pound left at the end of the month. I'm unable to save anything.

He had saved £15k in the last 6 months.

His opinion is his money is his and will never be ours and my money is mine so i obv want to save my own money.

He does pay for takeaways, trips when we go out etc for us as a family.

I suggested that he pays an extra £300 a month towards house bills/rent so that I can save a bit too and he said no. It's always half and he isn't going to lose out on money to help me because my finances are nothing to do with him.

He ended up saying that me even asking has put him off me a bit and I'm ungrateful as he pays for other things when we go out.

I almost resent him because of his attitude with money and think he's selfish.

Am I being unreasonable to ask such a question to him or expecting that he should pay more than me?

Thanks

A

@blueagain no I do all the washing, cleaning, cooking, hell come in from work and I've been working all day from home 7am-5pm and then I'll ask him to look after the kids for a bit whilst I finish my emails up and he'll say no because he's tired and for me to do it when they're in bed but I don't want to be working all night either. Just feel like there's no let up. He doesn't do anything round the house I pick up all his socks and pants it's like having another child sometimes. Gosh I don't even know I might start taking steps to make myself by myself

@altmember he is self employed so a lot of his work is cash

Start collecting evidence of his earnings. I was you op. Ended my relationship and left with the clothes on our backs. All money and mortgage were in ex dp's name. I got nowt. He paid minimal Cms.

@EinsteinaGogo yes I could get a place myself as my family could potentially help me with a deposit. It's just all really crap the whole situation. I go a week or so and everything's great and then this feeling just peaks within me and I can't shift it. He wants to have intimate liaisons on the daily and I'm so TIRED from working All day and looking after the kids I don't want to so this causes a lot of arguments. Then I just get told I'm boring but I'm quite happy being "boring". Being a full time mum and working full time and doing child care full time apart from 3 half days is very hard. I'm so tired at the end of the day I just want to be still and relax! 🤦🏻‍♀️

@Summerholidayorcovidagain ah it's so crap isn't it. Hope you're doing ok now x

You're married to your husband. Totally different scenario.

He's saving at your expense. Maybe you would be better off claiming child support.

This.

OP he wants to split all the bills etc 50/50 but the actual life work/housework isn’t split 50/50. You don’t get 50% of household income and also do 100% of housework? How is that right? Those numbers just don’t add up. He’s abusing you. He’s using your free labour to further himself and his earnings. You actually can’t work because of this set up. This isn’t right OP and you are being used.

@Mummytomybabies - he's bullying you into thinking you're boring, you're not contributing enough financially, you should do the bulk of the childcare, and have sex with him on tap.

It won't get better, and you are denying yourself of a loving, equal, supportive relationship in the future (and your children the opportunity to experience what one looks like).

Build yourself up emotionally to make a decision, and then get support around you to make it happen.

If you leave him, he will have to pick up his own socks. You know what he will do. He will employ a full time cleaner and child minder to do his share of life work/house work BUT at least you will have balance and more free time to work and build up your career. He wants daily sex but won’t share his earnings? How is any of this a reasonable deal for you? What exactly are you getting out of this relationship? He’s got everything his own way and you’ve got fuck all, not even the security of marriage!! How can you bear to even look at him. He’s absolutely vile. Just move out. Don’t tell him. Go. Screw him.

What a horrible man. He is happy to see his partner and mother of his children be ground down when he could make life easier for you.

The fact he has told you he will not give you anything means you are under no illusions. Do you do his accounts as well?

I am so sorry as you must feel stuck but there is a way out. Mean with money,mean with love

His dps disinherited him!!

What a horrible man.

That's the nicest thing I can say.

He sounds like a selfish person and I would be seriously considering whether this is someone you want to be with if those are his views. My DW earns a lot more than I do and she pays more than I do into our household account, even though the expenses include my children from a previous relationship.

You're both being a very poor example to your children. Get it together.

Should your son impregnate some girl and use her as a free cleaner, childminder, and cheap prostitute... he'll be thinking it was good enough for his mum so eh.

Should your daughter agree to be an unmarried skivvy living under the charity of an abusive dickhead, all good and normal because dad refused to marry mum also.

So he’s a sex pest, doesn’t do any meaningful parenting, doesn’t do housework, makes you pay 50% for childcare but doesn’t contribute to looking after the kids during the times during the working week they are not in childcare while you run yourself ragged working full time AND looking after the kids.

And has the cheek to say he thinks less of you for pointing the unfairness of this out? He only pays 50% for the paid childcare you have yet the rest of the time you do it while also working - saving costs on childcare for you both because, despite him sitting pretty on such a large income he won’t even pay enough so the mother of his children doesn’t have to run herself ragged trying to parent and WFH.

He’s an abusive bastard.

Sounds like you’d be no worse off financially if you left him and would have less housework to do without having to do his share of it. You also won’t get called boring when you don’t want to fuck this prince of a man on the daily. Seems a no brainier to me, especially as this attitude towards you as the mother of his children is a terrible example to the kids. He’s treating you like an underpaid employee/skivvy.

Even better then - threaten to report him to HMRC! 😆

Of all the men in the world op, why oh why did you pick this twat? WHY did you have two kids with him?! He’s screwing you over financially, you look after him like a mummy and he pestering you for sex. What on earth do you get out of this?

You’re never going to get a fair share from him financially. If you stay he’s not going to marry you to offer any kind of security or start splitting money fairly. If you leave you won’t get anything CM wise thanks to the magic trick of being self employed.

Honestly you are screwed either way. Just leave and at least you won’t have to spend your life picking up a grown man’s dirty pants.

So it's 50:50 interns of money but not when it comes to house work and childcare. Nah. Fuck him.

OP, he is a dickhead. I have been in your situation. With an entitled financially and emotionally abusive partner who also was self employed for a decade. I also got called boring.. Believe me, you're not, and neither am I!
I'm still with him, we married when dc were small but I have slowly made plans to gain independence. I would have divorced him already, but he is making it so difficult. Threatens to fight me for everything (joint property, kids, even pets!) and leave me with nothing.. Right now I'm retraining and will eventually earn more than him. Then I will try and get out, but he will make everyone suffer. I know it.
Check out Dr ramani on you tube. She has helped me a lot to gather my thoughts. Good luck. You'll get through this!

You'd probably get more if you left him. Which I would be tempted to do.

As always OP, some will agree with you, some with him, but it makes no difference as you can't force him to change however much people say you're in the right.
You can only look at your options in view of what he is prepared to do. Taking emotions out of the equation, you are financially better off with him than without. His half enables you to live in a house you probably couldn't afford alone and pays for treats etc. CM is unlikely to equal this, particularly given he is self employed.
On the other hand he sounds mean spirited and not committed to seeing you as a life partner and if you left him you could probably do better.

Financial abuse, and I'm sure you know that OP. He sounds really awful and your further posts are so upsetting.

No wonder you're so tired, you do everything. And he still wants sex, and won't share fairly with his family.

You may not be better off financially without him, but you'll be better off emotionally and the children will see that he doesn't get to treat you like a second class person and get away with it. You'll still be tired, but at least you won't have his shit to deal with too!

What a nasty piece of shit he is! This is absolutely disgusting behaviour. I would leave and claim maintaince.