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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

AIBU about my partner

81 replies

Mummytomybabies · 15/05/2022 18:24

Me and my partner aren't married.

We have been together for 4 years and have a 2 year old son and 3 year old daughter.

We rent but our aim is to buy a house.

The rent, bills, food, car and all outgoings come to about £1500 each per month.

I'm an accountant, he has his own business. To put in perspective, I earn £2200 a month and he makes £8k plus.

So after I've paid my bills etc for the house I may have a couple hundred pound left at the end of the month. I'm unable to save anything.

He had saved £15k in the last 6 months.

His opinion is his money is his and will never be ours and my money is mine so i obv want to save my own money.

He does pay for takeaways, trips when we go out etc for us as a family.

I suggested that he pays an extra £300 a month towards house bills/rent so that I can save a bit too and he said no. It's always half and he isn't going to lose out on money to help me because my finances are nothing to do with him.

He ended up saying that me even asking has put him off me a bit and I'm ungrateful as he pays for other things when we go out.

I almost resent him because of his attitude with money and think he's selfish.

Am I being unreasonable to ask such a question to him or expecting that he should pay more than me?

Thanks

OP posts:

donchafeellikecrying · 15/05/2022 18:41

Sorry OP but I wouldn't be giving my husband money to sit in his account in the event we then separated

So long as bills are getting paid and he's paying an equal share of the kids costs then you don't have the right to have your savings topped up.

Presumably his savings are what will be buying your house??

Loopytiles · 15/05/2022 18:43

Financial abuse.

Aprilx · 15/05/2022 18:43

I would split up and get child maintenance, you would probably be better off than you are now. Plus you are not living with somebody who clearly does not love or respect you and treats you with such contempt.

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 15/05/2022 18:43

@donchafeellikecrying yiure married so completely different situation

DogsAndGin · 15/05/2022 18:44

He is most unreasonable OP

Darhon · 15/05/2022 18:48

So you agree he needs to cover a day of the childcare at home?

REignbow · 15/05/2022 18:49

You are correct to feel resentful. I would.

If that is his stance, then you may as well leave him and get CMS. You would realise that you would be far better off and less resentful.

blueagain · 15/05/2022 18:49

Is he self employed? If yes, then you’re in big big trouble. My friend split in similar circumstances. She has received nothing and he earns enough to live like a King while she lives on benefits. Self employed means you are absolutely screwed. If he earns enough, he can pay an accountant to make it look like he earns nothing. You’ll get no child maintenance so don’t rely on that at all.

blueagain · 15/05/2022 18:50

He will also be able to have the kids 50% of the week which means he won’t have to pay any CM

Original poster

Mummytomybabies · 15/05/2022 18:51

@NoSquirrels yes I think he's selfish too

@Lochjeda thank you! Will look into that x

@donchafeellikecrying yes his savings are to buy a house but he said that when we do he'll be drawing up a declaration of trust so that on resale he gets back his deposit which I guess is fair enough (no?) but it'll all still be half shared cost of everything.

@blueagain yes he is self employed.

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 15/05/2022 18:52

Let me guess, he's a really good dad and buys you nice flowers for your birthday and your family and friends all love him?

Isaidnoalready · 15/05/2022 18:53

Can you increase your earnings? Perhaps take on some self employed work?

I hope he is paying half the children's costs

blueagain · 15/05/2022 18:53

The best thing you can do is move somewhere you can afford on your own. Set yourself up so you don’t need him. He has them 50% so you can work that time. When they are with him he will need to pay the childcare. Then put your efforts into meeting someone else who has a normal salary/situation, adores you and your kids and wouldn’t even dream of pulling shit like your arsehole has. Want better for yourself and stuff him. You will find someone else and he will lose you and he deserves that. How dare he treat you like that. He’s disgusting.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/05/2022 18:53

You certainly picked a proper twat. He will never marry you, he will never share his money with you, and you will always be screwed in this relationship. Get out now, because it's inevitable this toxic disaster will end.

girlmom21 · 15/05/2022 18:54

He will also be able to have the kids 50% of the week which means he won’t have to pay any CM

He won't be earning £8k a month if he has 50/50 childcare, and I'd like to think an accountant isn't likely to be with a self employed man who fiddles his books.

blueagain · 15/05/2022 18:55

You know this isn’t right. When you had kids you became a family. He’s acting like he’s single and you are his employee. You are being financially abused.

blueagain · 15/05/2022 18:59

@girlmom21 he will be able to pay the childcare costs (easily from his salary) to cover it. Mark my words, she will get nothing and should know this right now. It won’t be “fiddling the books”. A good accountant who knows their stuff can make it so that he looks like he’s earns nothing and it’s all above board. How do you think companies like Shell/Starbucks pay no tax??!! Every single friend I have who has split from a self employed well earning man has ended up with no CM. It’s a huge scandal and we’ll known about. It’s disgusting but it’s reality. My friends ex used to close the company and open up a new one over and over to make it hard to track him. They also organise to get paid cash in hand and all sorts. Don’t be naive. Of course he’s the type to do this. If he was “decent” we wouldn’t all be on here having this conversation

ilovemyboys3 · 15/05/2022 19:01

This isn't fair in the slightest but unfortunately if that's the way he feels, it's going to be very difficult to get him to see your point of view.
He will always see his money as "his" and not joint funds. Ask him how he intends for you to equally buy a house if you haven't got the opportunity to save. You aren't going to let him buy a house on his own and live in that unmarried as you will literally have no safety net and he can just kick you out at any point.
What happens when your married? Unless he's going to make you sign a pre nup, then you'll be entitled to more? Unless he knows this and has no intention of getting married.
Unfortunately some people have these selfish ways in life and money is the root of all evil!
I would consider telling him you can't afford to live with the way your income and outgoings are so you'll have to move somewhere smaller so you have equally opportunity to save. See what he says

blueagain · 15/05/2022 19:04

Is he getting the benefit of you living with him? Does he do a genuine half of housework and half of life mental load?

altmember · 15/05/2022 19:10

It sounds more like a business partnership than a loving couple.

Ask him to marry you. If he won't then at least you know where you stand. Could also point out how much child maintenance he'll have to pay out of 8k a month.

Loopytiles · 15/05/2022 19:11

He works full time while OP doesn’t, so clearly he benefits from her facilitating his becoming a parent but working as though he had no DC - benefiting his paid work to her direct financial detriment.

he’ll likely avoid paying maintenance.

2pinkginsplease · 15/05/2022 19:14

I’d be looking to find somewhere to live with the children and pay for it all by myself. He sounds incredibly selfish!

Youknownothingsnow · 15/05/2022 19:25

Both my husband and I pay 50% in to our joint bank account. We have only been married 1 month but we’ve been together for 8 years and lived with each other for 4 years. It works well for us as it’s fair.

This wouldn’t change if suddenly one of us became a higher earner. You need to discuss things with your partner.

BanjoVio · 15/05/2022 19:54

It sounds like he's enjoying the position of power that earning more than you puts him in. He can 'treat' you to things as and when he pleases and feel like a big shot for doing it, rather than you being equal partners in this relationship. Sounds like macho bullshit to me.

EinsteinaGogo · 15/05/2022 20:12

OP @Mummytomybabies - this is a financially abusive relationship. What is it you get from him, emotionally?

I can't imagine it will get any better. Your children will grow up knowing their dad kept their mum in financial hardship deliberately.

If the flat is in your name, I'd make plans to ask him to leave (and get support if you need to).

If it's not in your name, is there somewhere you and the children can go?

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