I feel like I'm insane - WTF do I do? Am I ruining my life?

[whatiswrongwithmybrain]

I have been with my partner for 6.5 years and we are getting married next month, and I’m in complete and utter turmoil about whether I actually want to or not. I am definitely not head over heels in love with him, but there is love there. We have been through so much together, and he has been a solid partner in every sense of the word. I wish he was more affectionate, and I do miss the hugs from behind and cute texts I used to have with other partners. We do have sex regularly, and there is attraction there but I do sometimes compare him to previous partners which I know is harsh, I’m just being totally honest. Sometimes if he looks not his best it icks me, and I feel like it shouldn't bother me. I look forward to spending time with him, and enjoy our evenings together, he feels comfortable and homely to me, we don’t argue often anymore and we parent really well together and are a good family unit. We don’t have financial pressures on us, we own our own home and enjoy a good life together. If I could shut my brain up we might be great, but I never can and seem to constantly be thinking what life would be like with someone else, comparing him to exes, thinking what parts of old relationships I miss etc. It’s all really unfair as he is a great, solid guy who doesn’t deserve it it just feels unconscious on my part. There is so much to lose, him and the good parts, my child 50% of the time, my house, stability etc. Some days I tell myself that is all you can ask for in life, and that someone else could be more attractive and a much worse person, someone could be affectionate and send romantic texts but not be an equal partner in the house like he is. But then I keep having the other thoughts too, I go full speed ahead wedding planning, get excited trying on wedding dresses, actively try and get pregnant with him then in the next breath I’m thinking actually he isn’t right for me. I clearly am not head over heels, I have no doubts, in love with him. £11k tied up in a wedding that is two weeks away, 100 guests with accomodation booked, family members who will be so disappointed in me, not to mention a sweet toddler who will have his family unit torn apart. Any suggestions wtf I do here?

I think the benefits outweigh the risks. I am inclined to suggest you have cold feet. The decision is yours, but I don’t think the grass is greener on the other side, in fact, I think it’s probably a lot less green.

Could this just be pre-wedding nerves? do you think if you were just co-habiting but not getting married you'd still be having these feelings?

Trust me it’s cold feet! I’m in the same situation but not with the marriage. A fantastic all round guy who is brilliant and does everything but I’m definitely not attracted to him anymore, so I tried OLD as I just wanted some affection (we have sex lots but no affection, kisses or cuddles) and it’s a shit show out there!! The guys are awful and single for a reason!! Made me realise what my priorities are and there’s no guy out there whose going to match him. Being a little bit unattractive now and again to him is a small set back and worth the pros.

Basically the grass is not greener and often less greener than what your actually standing on!!

Life is too short to be unhappy.
you do you ❤️

If I could shut my brain up we might be great, but I never can and seem to constantly be thinking what life would be like with someone else.

Shutting your brain up for the rest of your life is not a workable plan though. Even if you manage to shut it up until the wedding, it is extremely unlikely that your doubts will just vanish after you're married.

Could you talk to him about the little romantic gestures that help keep spark. The wedding is a perfect way to bring it. Discuss healthy marriages etc what you thinks help keep them that way.

Take your wedding out of the equation. The $11K is gone either way and your family and friends will get over it. Your child is young enough that if you split up they will never know any different and if you co-parent respectfully they will be fine. And honestly if you marry someone who doesn’t make you happy that’s not going to be a great life for any of you anyway. You can’t pretend forever.

If all of the other people were not an issue do YOU want to be with this man? It is good to be pragmatic and consider the good life you have with him because that is important. But in your heart do you respect him, value his opinion, genuinely enjoy his company and yes, fancy him? “Head over heels” is for teenagers and you don’t need to want to jump his bones every hour but are you happy to have regular sex with him indefinitely, even as he ages, gains a few pounds, loses some hair and gets old person toenails? You’re right that someone else would have their own flaws as well but it’s not about picking the least worst option. You don’t have to settle and most importantly you should NOT make this decision based on how it would affect other people.

Yes that’s exactly my fear I have stages where this obsessive thinking goes away and it always comes back so it seems obvious marriage won’t actually make it go away. I’m unsure whether leaving would either unfortunately as I do sometimes feel I really relate to articles I read about OCD/ROCD and perhaps the problem lies within myself not him. It’s like a pressure cooker at the moment and I’m struggling a bit.

Have you experienced this feeling in other relationships/life in general - where you're always dissatisfied with what you've got now and constantly thinking "If I just had XYZ job/car/man/house everything would be better"?

If so, then I definitely wouldn't bin off the marriage because it sounds more like your general outlook being the issue rather than the person.

Embarrassing but yes - I’ve cheated on previous partners and have left all my previous boyfriends for different men, usually ex’s that I convinced myself were better. It’s never normally got this severe cause I was younger, no kids and would just leave the second I had lined up someone else. I know it sounds awful I’m just being honest!

You have been together 6 and a half years so you know each other “warts and all”. Many years ago when people married quite quickly you might have got married in the first year or 18 months when you were still in the first flushes of love.

I think in a good relationship romance and excitement might fade - with daily life/chores/children but it is replaces by trust, reliability, commitment, stability basically “family” for all its ups and downs.

If you want to get rid of your partner/cancel the wedding that of course won’t take you back to being young and free and in an exciting romance. You will still need to be a good parent with all the commitments/chores and responsibilities that go with it. Your exciting romance (if it exists) would have to wait for when your child would be with her dad - maybe 50%, maybe every other weekend.

Once you are single might your wistfulness/jealousy turn to “happy families” on days out. Parents that parent and love their kids together?

After your follow up comment to be honest it sounds like you could do with some counselling as you seem to sabotage yourself. Although your wedding is two weeks away to be honest marriage is not irreversible is it? I think half of them end in divorce. You will only stay married if you both want to.

What do you do to be exciting and romantic for your partner? Do you try?

Hi OP, i just wanted to say you are not alone in feeling this way

Have you tried the coin toss test?
Heads -get married
Tails -leave him before the wedding.

Let me know what way the coin falls.

I’m not sure why I actually tried this but I got heads 3 times!

A wedding definitely seems like it'd be a big trigger for ROCD, if that's any reassurance, so this might nothing more than an extreme case of cold feet. Part of me is inclined to agree with @Fairislefandango but also, based on your previous relationships and the way they ended, it could be that the problem is mostly you (without trying to sound too harsh).

If you tell yourself that you'll make the best of the situation whatever you decide to do, whether that's going through with the marriage or walking away, which scenario gives you more peace? The idea of being with him or being on your own? Not being with an imaginary partner who you think would be a better fit for you. It seems a bit like you're chasing the fantasy of a perfect relationship, when in reality the best ones are the ones you put reciprocated time and effort into.

FWIW, last week someone I know called off her wedding 4 days before it was supposed to happen. It's been hell for everyone but she doesn't regret not going through with it.

well there’s a lot to unpack here but it could be cold feet, it could also be your older avoidant issues reading their head. You’ve left all your previous relationships for something “better” - there is something in that.

but without getting into all of that - how would you feel if tomorrow he sat down and said he didn’t love you anymore and wanted to stop the wedding?

how much would be relief?
how much would be sadness?

You do you is not great advice when you have more than you reliant on you for the monumental upheaval you would cause to their lives. It would be supremely selfish in fact . Unless you have a solid reason to do so. Which it doesn't sound like you do...it sounds like you have major wedding nerves along with thinking the grass is greener with another (imaginary) man.

Don't forget that those exes you compare your partner to - are exes for a reason.
Comparison is the thief of joy.

There is not a perfect thing I believe. I've had boyfriends who have been absolutely boring and I've had boyfriends who have been abusive but they seem more fun. I believe its extremely hard to find a person who you fancy the pants off and you just stay loved up. Its very rare I feel a couple look genuinely in love and perfect together. I think your guy sounds nice! Perhaps you need to appreciate him a little better. You would not be happy in the past. Not really. Comparing to exes is crap. I've recently been someone's girlfriend after a long term relationship failed for him. I was in the exes shadow and it wasn't a nice feeling.

Sounds like normal pre wedding nerves to me.

Nothing wrong with a comfortable solid relationship with someone who has your back.

I think you have some deep-rooted issues going on. Clearly you struggle with commitment. Without wanting to go all armchair psychologist, I wonder what your childhood was like and your relationship with your parents (you don't have to tell us).

Have you ever had any therapy? I think you should get some, more if you've already had it.

If you didn't already have a child together, I'd say postpone the wedding, but I think when you share a child together, you owe it to the child to at least try and overcome your issues (and they are your issues, by the sound of it). Obviously if he was abusive or had cheated or the relationship was toxic or unhealthy in some way, I wouldn't be saying it. But if he is a good man and you are just plagued by "what ifs" and angst about him not being perfect... well, no one is. He's the father of your child.

i can't tell you whether or not to marry him as it has to be your call. But I think you need to take some deep breaths and do a bit of self-reflection. Read some self help books or something

I doubt you’ll ever be truly happy with anyone OP. You’ll always want something better.

I feel a bit sorry for your partner... does he know you feel this way? It may be better for HIM in the long run if you don't get married.

I think you really need to talk to him. Try and work through these things TOGETHER. Tell him how you are feeling and let him decide how he feels? Maybe he is feeling a little the same and you getting married could be the beginning of a new fresh start for you both. Just my experience but after 5 kids and 10 years together when me and my DH got married late last year it really felt like something changed and for the better. I can't explain it. Maybe it is sentimental nonsense but we have really been trying with each other so much more since. Making more effort to 'date' explore a more active sex life. I can't explain it. Its like we made these promises and it was romantic. We suddenly talk loads more. Telling him lots of what you have said here would be a start. For all you know he feels the same and maybe getting it out in the open for both of you could be make or break things. Good luck

I think it's nerves, pressure and the wondering if the grass is greener.

I was like this and took the plunge, 11 years later, still married and quite content 70% of the time. And actually I think that's ok.

You sound a lot like me OP, wonder if you have settled, wonder if you will be happier with someone else. But is there any relationship out there, any man with any of your friends where you think 'he is perfect!' I bet you don't and neither do I.

I think ALL my friends can do better, I think my friends that think their other half's are perfect/amazing are slightly naive. Sound harsh but I see their husbands flirting or being shitty or moody and their wives don't see it.

So I don't think there are prefect relationships, I think there are imperfect relationships and people that are naive.

But if you have a guy that wants sex with you, makes you laugh, is a good parent, earns a wage, is honest, you believe won't hit you or cheat on you, does his share of the housework etc. That's about as good as it gets. (The ones that are feisty and passionate you can't generally trust).

I think go through with it. You can always get a divorce in a couple of years if it's not right.

That had bloody paragraphs I swear, hit post and they all disappeared!