I feel like I'm insane - WTF do I do? Am I ruining my life?

[whatiswrongwithmybrain]

I have been with my partner for 6.5 years and we are getting married next month, and I’m in complete and utter turmoil about whether I actually want to or not. I am definitely not head over heels in love with him, but there is love there. We have been through so much together, and he has been a solid partner in every sense of the word. I wish he was more affectionate, and I do miss the hugs from behind and cute texts I used to have with other partners. We do have sex regularly, and there is attraction there but I do sometimes compare him to previous partners which I know is harsh, I’m just being totally honest. Sometimes if he looks not his best it icks me, and I feel like it shouldn't bother me. I look forward to spending time with him, and enjoy our evenings together, he feels comfortable and homely to me, we don’t argue often anymore and we parent really well together and are a good family unit. We don’t have financial pressures on us, we own our own home and enjoy a good life together. If I could shut my brain up we might be great, but I never can and seem to constantly be thinking what life would be like with someone else, comparing him to exes, thinking what parts of old relationships I miss etc. It’s all really unfair as he is a great, solid guy who doesn’t deserve it it just feels unconscious on my part. There is so much to lose, him and the good parts, my child 50% of the time, my house, stability etc. Some days I tell myself that is all you can ask for in life, and that someone else could be more attractive and a much worse person, someone could be affectionate and send romantic texts but not be an equal partner in the house like he is. But then I keep having the other thoughts too, I go full speed ahead wedding planning, get excited trying on wedding dresses, actively try and get pregnant with him then in the next breath I’m thinking actually he isn’t right for me. I clearly am not head over heels, I have no doubts, in love with him. £11k tied up in a wedding that is two weeks away, 100 guests with accomodation booked, family members who will be so disappointed in me, not to mention a sweet toddler who will have his family unit torn apart. Any suggestions wtf I do here?

Yikes.

I was fully prepared to say cancel the wedding and dump him, for his own sake if nothing else. But you’ve got a child together and you’ve got form for lusting after the past so it’s much more complicated.

I’ve been married twice. I had doubts before my first one, they should have been bigger than they were. He turned into a completely different person over the following two years and I left him. With now DH I had no doubts at all, getting married to him was the best, most joyful and easiest thing I’ve ever done. Love him more with every passing day and I can’t imagine being with anyone else.

@drpet49 do you think that is a helpful comment 🤔

There’s something about this in the book I’m currently reading. Four Thousand Weeks by Oliver Burkeman. Read it and then get married!

Embarrassing but yes - I’ve cheated on previous partners and have left all my previous boyfriends for different men, usually ex’s that I convinced myself were better. It’s never normally got this severe cause I was younger, no kids and would just leave the second I had lined up someone else. I know it sounds awful I’m just being honest!

It sounds as though it is just the same pattern of yours all over again. If you don’t marry him, you’ll probably find another person then feel the same way again with that new person and end that relationship too.

it is a bit late to try to find some sort of therapy in time before the wedding, but it seems as though there might be something wrong in your past affecting you which could do with sorting out.

Hi OP, first thing I was going to do was to ask if you’d ever suffered from OCD at all, as this is absolutely textbook territory for ROCD, but I can see that you’ve already looked into that. If the bottom line is that you love him and want to marry him and what is going on is “But what if...,but what if....??” I’d err more towards the ROCD side. If you’ve genuinely not been happy together and you’re more worried about not being married full stop than not being married to him per se, then you have further soul searching to do. If you can’t switch the thoughts off, if they are a long way off what you really deep down want to do, if they produce huge anxiety which can only be calmed by seeking reassurance to the contrary (why are you asking here? Would it make you feel calmer if we all said “Of course not, it’s just pre wedding nerves.” ? Were you hoping we would say that and make the obsessive thoughts go away?) then it’s highly likely to be ROCD. Have you looked at the OCD Action website? If you really didn’t love him you’d have to be deceiving yourself on a huge scale to actually marry him. Or is it that you do love him, these thoughts give you enormous anxiety and you wish you could stop thinking them and everything would be ok? If you didn’t want to marry him you wouldn’t and you won’t. Of you do, there is no guarantee for you or anyone else who gets married that it will all work out, so you can’t ever ‘know’ without trying it. If you love him and these doubts produce huge anxiety in you, it may well be ROCD. I know a lot about it, pm me if you want to. Take care of yourself, obsessive thinking is a nightmare. X

R-OCD Obsessions: Some Examples of R-OCD Thoughts

Is my partner good enough for me?

Am I good enough for my partner?

Am I in love with my partner?

Are we a happy couple? Are other people happier than we are? Is this relationship working?

Is it okay that I found someone else attractive? Does it mean that this relationship isn’t meant to be?

Copied and pasted from an OCD website.

Yes, all these are ‘normal’ thoughts which everyone has. But recurring ruminating, which won’t leave you alone, which haunts you and torments you, is not ‘normal’ thinking. If you then either have a history of leaving/ cheating to see if the grass is greener when these thoughts start, there is clearly a problem and a pattern here. Get some advice from a qualified professional, they can tell you if they think it’s ROCD or not. If it is, you’ll get the right help. If it isn’t, then you will have to come to your own decision about the marriage. It’s not the thought content which is important in OCD, it’s the obsessive nature of the thoughts which can only be relieved by seeking assurance (compulsion) in some way. The reassurance (compulsion) works for a short while, then the obsessive thinking unpicks the reassurance and the cycle repeats itself over and over again. If you recognise that this is what you do, ruminate, obsess, never get an ‘answer’ that satisfies you, so you are compelled to search the Internet for reassurance or ask on forums, then ROCD is a very real possibility.

You need to at least postpone it. Be honest and brave or forever hold your peace.
Take your choice.

Get married .
best case - it’s good and your so happy .

worst case
If it’s not working in 2 years get divorced ??!

sounds to me your real issue is commitment not your partner .

You shouldn't be getting married. I'm sorry OP but getting married with the way you are speaking of your partner not only is unfair to them but will cause such legal headache down the line. Call off the wedding and trial time apart.

No! It’s Tails, get married. Hope that helps!😀

I remember standing at the church altar thinking that unless there's a bolt of lightening from above I'm going to be married in about a minute or so. I kept getting cold feet about getting married and my now husband finally snapped and suggested we should get married so we could have new arguments about whether we should get divorced! Married nearly 30 years and very happy. It was just cold feet because it is a very big commitment. He is the person who has my back.

And what did your gut say when you saw heads?

I think it’s normal to have this sort of dilemma before making a big decision such as getting married.
You've recognised you tend to think “grass is always greener”, so don’t repeat the pattern knowing it is not.

I’d go ahead with the wedding and then seek therapy to learn to live in a moment and not in alternative scenarios.

Imagine the scenarios.
You call off the wedding and separate . Sell the house , find somewhere else to live . Juggle child care / single life etc . Does that make you feel happy / relieved ?

You get married , other than the day ,first few weeks , life goes on as before , same old same old , you are both the same people as you were before marriage. How does that make you feel ?

'But if you have a guy that wants sex with you, makes you laugh, is a good parent, earns a wage, is honest, you believe won't hit you or cheat on you, does his share of the housework etc. That's about as good as it gets. (The ones that are feisty and passionate you can't generally trust).'

This, basically. I got married to someone who has less than 50% of these things and I am now getting divorced because it was intolerable, really intolerable. Also: if you marry him and it does turn out to be a mistake you can get divorced too. There have been lots of women throughout history who have felt like you, who marriage has almost but not quite suited. It is ok for you to do it but to keep a bit of your uneasiness, and a bit of your awkwardness/lust/dissatisfaction. It is an imperfect institution.

I've met someone I like now I'm older and have all this hindsight and I am actively trying not to get engaged in intensity and romantic messages and the rest of it, which is how my first marriage (that I'm just leaving) started. Don't get me wrong, I actually love the bones of him and feel that pure magic of love, but I feel now the only way for things to work is to be able to hold that normal, everyday space for each other. It's almost a bit sexy!

Good luck OP, I feel your pain. Don't apologise for your feelings, maybe you're just a free spirit who will always have a slightly awkward relationship to marriage, while being a loving partner.

I came on to say what @Thewookiemustgo says. It sounds like OCD to me.