Karma ?

[Pheonixgirl]

Four months ago l left an abusive relationship, after years of his drinking and abuse something snapped and I upped and left, because of the way I'd been treated for so many years I harboured a lot of ill will and wished him no end of bad things instead of just forgiving and moving on.

I thought that by leaving my life could only improve but it seems that ever since I left I've encountered one difficulty after another, I sometimes find myself thinking I might have been better off staying with my ex and tolerating the lesser of two evils, today my sister and I argued for no particular reason and probably because I was at a low ebb I've taken it quite badly.

I know how much he hated me for what I did and I can't help thinking he's wished all this unhappiness on me as a punishment, a sort of Karma really.

I feel as bad now as I did when my parents died and when I go to bed at night I find myself thinking it'd be better off for all concerned if I just passed in my sleep as I just feel a burden to everyone.

Even if karma existed, why would leaving a toxic relationship mean you deserved it?

It'll get better.

Just no. It gets better. You probably made one of the best decisions of your life. Find your feet again and reach out to people you trust.
For Gods sake don't go back. Ever.

Please don't think you're a burden to anyone, Pheonixgirl . It's still early days, you're only four months in. It will have been hard living with not just his abuse but his drinking on top of that, which will not have helped anything. It's sod's law that you have other things to deal with at this time

An abusive relationship is all sorts of special and leaving one isn't just that you just drifted apart and decided to separate. He abused you and in that brought any confidence you may have started with right down, that's why they do it the bastards. Have you had any professional/specialist support? I was already out of my marriage when I had help from Women's Aid but they helped me to understand the abuse and helped get me back on my feet, as it were. Unless people have been in abusive relationships they tend not to understand the intricacies of how it works and you can feel even worse after talking to them. It doesn't help when people say things like "Just let it go and move on" - if only life after abuse was that easy.

Do keep posting here, there are many of us who have been in similar situations who would like to help, if we can.

You must be joking, seriously!! When have you EVER know karma to bite a nasty person on the arse? I can’t name one, it’s only good and nice people that seem to get all the shit in my eyes whilst the arseholes end up not too bad!

Hang on in there, it will get better and your not being punished and it certainly isn’t karma

Thank you so much for your responses, I feel so isolated at the moment and so down I'm just not being rational, all your comments are so relevant. @Orgasmagorical... yes I've noticed posts from other women who've been in my situation that's why I reached out, my family seem to be weary with it all so I'm not getting much support at all, like you say it's all "you were unhappy but you need to move on"....blimey...I wish I could ! Feel like I'm being treated like a four year old that's lost its favourite soft toy. @ItsOverFlo ...I know I could never go back, it's just in my lowest moments I feel this way, I don't even miss him, it's just this ingrained fear of being alone that scares me. @girlmom21 ...it's just happened in the past as well so much so it's become uncanny, almost surreal that it keeps happening.....@PetersRabbitt ...you're right about the arseholes, they do seem to get off Scott free don't they 😁....@notlongtoo... I understand...it's just that this has impacted on not just me but my family and the guilt I feel is terrible, I'm sure in time I will be able to move on but at the moment it's all such a bl mess.

It really does sound like you need to talk to someone with knowledge and/or experience of abusive relationships. It's disappointing when those closest to us are not able to understand, but I suppose we must look on that as a good thing, that they haven't experienced it. Doesn't help when you don't feel listened to though.

Why do you feel guilty? You have taken steps to get away from an abuser. I understand if you don't want to say too much but if it's not your children who have been affected by this, why has it had an impact on anyone else? Did they know what you were going through with him?

Sending hugs. Its really not like that. I'm 5 weeks out.

Mine was an alcoholic in recovery so I never saw him drunk. But he wasn't over the past. He hadn't learned to control his feelings or emotions. He had broken relationships with absolutely all his family. The only relationship he had still going was a "friendship" with his ex. But that was a whole other problem. It was hurting me for the whole 18 months I was involved. She was still in his life. Couldn't respect me or his attempt to move on. She felt she had the right to question him. She would say things that she shouldn't have felt comfortable saying after 3 years. I can only guess she hadn't moved on or gotten over the drama. He hurt her alot with other women and drink. So only she knows why she can't leave it. But he is the same. Stuck in the past and missing what's right infront of his nose. I started to feel pathetic bringing it up with him.

On top of his constant ex drama he was horrible with his words. Sharp tongued. Nasty words. Cruel. Cold. Could easily turn. One minute he's lovingly cooking for me. The next he's kicking me out and blocking me. He would blame me. Always me. It was all my issues.

He smoked weed. Had no money. A range of health issues. He was not even trying within our relationship. It was me running around and doing all the paying etc. He never bothered even on my birthday to treat me special. I didn't even get a card.

My life's hard right now. I'm paying £40 q week for therapy. I have broken out in patches of dry skin. I'm sad. Lonely. Feel flat and stuck. What now I think!

But I did not deserve the shitty circumstances with him..

Please don't blame yourself. You are a good woman.

@Orgasmagorical...we had no children thankfully, so no impact there, the reason I say it has impacted my family is is that they helped me 'escape' and have allowed me and my dog to live with them when I was unable to find affordable accommodation, he also bombarded them with abusive phone calls, texts and emails to the extent where I had to get the police involved, my sister found it all very upsetting at the time and didn't deserve it at all.

Bless you @Strawberrydelight55, your experiences mirror mine in so many ways, your feelings too, also the blame culture and the inability to take responsibility, everything was my fault too.

Yes I can't speak for all alcoholics as I'm not an expert and he's the only one I've dealt with..so I apologise to any ex drinkers who have got themselves sorted properly.

My ex was just broken. Hes really a broken soul. Its strange because I can see how muddled he is in this life. He can't see what life is. He is missing the point completely. He's got 2 kids in their 20s . He didn't see for 12 years. But he has already lost one again and the other is sort of open to him. He's got no relationship with them and now they have kids so he's now missing on his grandkids. He hates his dad. He holds all these grudges and to guard himself he says I will cut off anyone who I can't get on with. That's his attitude. Most people just can't stay in his life. He's a nightmare. His ex is perhaps trauma bonded and stuck in the past. She won't talk to me. It's a shame because I'd like to know what the deal is.

It's not easy to cut all the loose ends with these men..they really do leave you traumatised. I know it's hard but you need to make peace with yourself. He's broken and unfixable. You can't loose yourself in his world anymore. His world isn't productive.

The egg shells and the stress and the highs znd lows. Its truly awful. I still feel unsettled but at least it's more peaceful. I couldn't face those dramas again now. I miss him yo death some days. But that's me remembering the takeaways and laughs znd dog walks in the sun. He was real nice on those times. He would sometimes say the most beautiful things to me. But it soon went to shit again.

I felt for the first 2 years after leaving my toxic relationship that it was one thing after another while he lived the high life. I was knocked down time and time again. I kept getting back up and one day, the tables just turned. He got his karma over and over again while all my hard work was suddenly recognised. It was a long, hard wait but it happened, looking back I needed the knock downs to build myself back up. It was the best thing that ever happened to me and I am a much stronger, kinder and healthier person for all of it. Keep hanging in there.

This happened to me too. Took a couple of years plodding and grafting but you will get there.

If he is a shit it stands to reason he will eventually get his just desserts. You might not even hear about it. After all how do you know he's on the up, if it's all off social media I'd take that with a big pinch of salt.

No paragraphs is really getting on my nerves

Whos not using paragraphs? I can see them.

@Strawberrydelight55...I think it's in our lowest moments that we start to think in that way, we all have selective memories I guess and choose to remember the good bits alone, but every time I get sentimental I give myself a quick nudge...like the time he gave me a card on my birthday, asked me if I liked it then said "Yeah 68p from ALDI...not bad eh? Before smirking and walking off...it's those kind of memories that spur me on 😁

@motherofchihuahuas ...yep it's annoying when you go to the trouble of putting 'em in too 😬

Yeah exactly. The tiny bits if effort never will make up for the abuse. But when we are hopefully onto better times. They will still be breaking hearts and not settled. Thinking the world owes them something.

@motherofchihuahuas...oh he's so careless I don't doubt he will, he'll probably be charming some other poor woman now so he can ruin her life too.

Strawberrydelight, I think the paragraph issue is a problem with some browsers or apps or something. I'm still on pencil and paper so don't understand the exactities of it.

Prerapher, no, nobody deserved any of what he did. You and your sister and her family all have to realise and remember it was entirely his choice to behave the way he did to you all. You are not to blame and must not feel bad for the situation he has forced upon you.

It is understandable that things aren't ideal for you or your sister but you can only do your best to make it work until you are in a position to move on. I hope she can see that and that you're both in a better frame of mind with each other now.

Ah ok I understand. Yeah itvwould be a pain without them.

Apologies that wasn't aimed at anyone directly!

I wrote paragraphs also I think it's the new app on the phone. Not sure.

@Prerapher, how are you doing?

You’re recovering from trauma, it takes time. It’s very, very difficult to trust the world again when you’ve put up with abuse for years. My ex was an abusive alcoholic and to get away I had to leave everything, my job ( which I loved) friends, the place I’d lived for most of my life. I got a job 200 miles away, had to start from scratch, rent a flat, make new friends. It took time.
Be kinder to yourself, you’re a good person and an abusive relationship is never worth the oxygen.

@Orgasmagorical....still plodding along, I guess when you're in the position I'm in it makes you a bit selfish and you forget that the world's still turning round and other people have their lives to deal with to.