I think my husband is depressed and I’m finding it hard to deal with

[ForeverYoung40]

Hi,

So I’ll try to summarise as there’s a lot to unpick, but in the 30 years that I’ve been with my husband (since the age of 15), we’ve had our ups and downs like everyone else.
However, the last few years have been like a rollercoaster, particularly in relation to his moods. He has become more irritable, angry and moody in general and he is drinking too heavily, which just makes it worse.
I think he is depressed, but I really don’t think he sees it.
His behaviour is massively impacting our marriage, and I can see that the kids are now reacting to his moods (we have three teenage boys).

My mental health also now feels under threat as I have become increasingly anxious over his mood swings, so much so that I am always trying to behave in a way that won’t set him off or cause an argument and I can never predict how he is going to react - often over the smallest of things. He has issues with OCD so when things aren’t where he wants them to be or how he wants them to be then he can react negatively.

I am so mentally exhausted by it all and am be in deeply unhappy in my marriage. This isn’t me. I am positive, fun and motivated. I have lovely friends (which he seems resentful of) and I love spending time with my family. I exercise regularly and have a good job that is rewarding. And without trying to sound conceited, I am an attractive woman and am confident around other men. This only makes my husband jealous and paranoid but I do not want to change because of his jealousy.

I lost my mum a year ago to cancer, and even though my husband was supportive at the immediate time, he started to become resentful of me wanting to spend more time with my siblings and my dad. To me it was comforting to be with them so that we could support each other, but to my husband, it was just me putting everyone else before him.
Sex is an issue too. My sex drive hasn’t lowered, I just don’t find him as attractive, mainly because of how he behaves, but also because he’s not looking after himself and doesn’t look healthy.
After a previous blip in our marriage, he starting swimming and stopped drinking and he looked amazing. We were so much happier. But then lockdown happened and he couldn’t swim, and then the drinking gradually crept back in. Since then it’s been a downward spiral and I’m at the point where I feel that I need to take a stand if I am going to be happy - I’m just not sure if that’s with him or without him.
I’m starting some counselling next week to help me try and make sense of it all. My husband says that he will also go back to counselling (he went before but stopped), but I don’t think he’s made an appointment yet. He can have free support through work, so money isn’t the issue.

I think I just need to know that I’m not alone and that there are women reading this who can emphasise with me and can perhaps offer me hope. Either where the marriage worked or ended but that ultimately you could be the person you are meant to be.
There are so many other things that I think could be the trigger for his depression (this page would run into 1000s of words!), but I just need the reassurance that no matter how much more housework I do, or how much more money I can earn, or how or how much sex I can offer - ultimately theses things are not going to fix his depression, therefore it’s not my fault and I am not responsible - even though it feels like I am.

I think I just need a little anonymous rant, and hope that I can find comfort in others who understand what I’m going through.
Thanks

Yes to PP’s comments, but I also think you can be a bit more firm in letting DH know that the way the relationship is right now isn’t working for you, that you care about him and are worried about him, and you NEED him to get back into counselling.

I did the same with my DH at one point last year - brought him out for dinner and had a nice and loving conversation but also made it 100% clear that he had one week to make his first counselling appointment or else I’d need to think carefully about our future together and that of our 3 young DCs. We’ve been together 13 years and I’ve never been one to issue an ultimatum, but it turned out it was exactly what he needed to snap out of his apathy and tackle some of his deeper emotions. He started therapy the following week, started back up with 3x per week exercise, and started seeing his friends again every second week (…I may also have set that expectation) ;-)

Thank you both for your responses. I have been a very supportive wife over the years. I’ve forgiven an affair, moved away with him for a few years to support his career, been sympathetic of his use of alcohol to cope, am always trying to big him up and let him know what a great dad he is and I always thank and appreciate him for what he does for me - but it doesn’t seem to be enough. I would say he’s bordering on narcissistic in the way that he needs a lot of recognition for just doing what parents and spouses do day to day.

And in terms of encouraging him, I encourage him to exercise (often with me in the form of dog walks, but he mostly says no) and see friends and have some hobbies and interests etc, but I am at the point where what I’m thinking is, well what about me and my needs, why is it all about you?

When he’s in a good mood, we’re all happy and in a good mood, but when he’s in a bad mood, it affects the mood of the whole house and it feels horrible.
Is my role to be the one to pull him out of this at the expense of my own mental health? From what I’ve read and researched, only he can do this, and of course I will be there to support him, but I can’t pretend that he’s wonderful when he isn’t right now. It’s like living with Jekyll and Hyde.

As for making love - he doesn’t want to make love with me, he just wants validation that I still find him attractive so that it boosts his self-esteem.
I get that his self-esteem is low, but should I have sex with him just to make him feel better?
This is why I’m so confused. Should I do things just to make him feel better, even when I’m feeling like shit?

For anyone who lives like they are on eggs shells all of the time, it becomes exhausting, and I actually don’t know if I have it in me to be that person who always praises him and is never critical.
Most of the time he’s critical of me actually, so you can see why it would be hard to bypass his negativity and try and find something to praise, which I do - I look for ways to make him feel special; I book meals out, suggest and book nights/trips away on our own and ask him to do simple things with me like go for a nice walk and get a coffee.
He rarely suggests taking me to dinner, or asks me to go for a walk with him or a bike ride or whatever.
But then if he’s suffering from depression (which I assume he is but he doesn’t actually talk about it) then I guess he can’t see the joy in the simple things like I can.
As I said in my first post, there is a lot to unpick and so I am unable to give the full story of all the ups and downs as it’s too much to post, and apologies if this seems like I’m ranting a bit. I’m frustrated, lonely, a bit sad and very on edge, so this has probably come across as a bit manic!

UpToMyElbowsInDiapers, I forgot to say that I have told him that I am not happy and that I want him to get professional help. I actually had to write it in a text for him to be able to absorb it and think about what I was saying. He did say he would make an appointment but that hasn’t happened yet, to my knowledge. He did also say he’d joined the gym again, but hasn’t been swimming yet.
He did also say that we shouldn’t feel like we have to stay together just because we’ve been together for so long, and he said that he’s pragmatic in the sense that it might not work long term and that we may have to accept that.
In some ways, maybe he’s given up already, but then he questions me as if he doesn’t trust me and thinks I’m seeing someone else, so if he didn’t care, why would he think that?
I do think he’s also a bit paranoid, which drinking doesn’t help, and although he’s clearly not happy, I don’t think he thinks it’s depression, I think he thinks it’s down to me not making him happy.
I just want him to be happy, whether I’m with him or not, but I also need to be happy too. Hope that makes sense.

"My mental health also now feels under threat as I have become increasingly anxious over his mood swings, so much so that I am always trying to behave in a way that won’t set him off or cause an argument and I can never predict how he is going to react - often over the smallest of things. He has issues with OCD so when things aren’t where he wants them to be or how he wants them to be then he can react negatively".

Walking on eggshells is akin to living in fear. Now you have further modified your own behaviour in a futile attempt as to not set him off. It will not work. These are also behaviours that abused people do. If you're this affected by what is happening, imagine how your boys feel. They probably wonder of you why you are still with him and perhaps also think you and he now need to be apart.

What is he like around other people like work colleagues; my guess is that he behaves far better with them. The above are all red flags for him and what he is doing to you is abusive in nature. His alcohol intake and depressed state could well go hand in hand here. He could well be self medicating with alcohol but alcohol is itself a depressant. I would also think issues with OCD (does he have a formal diagnosis of this?. If not you should not readily ascribe that to him) stem perhaps more from wanting to control you within your environment and that is also abusive.

You wrote of a previous blip in your marriage but did not specify further; what happened then?. Is history actually repeating itself here?. Has he drunk heavily all the years you've known him?.

You are NOT responsible for him; he is. Feeling otherwise makes me think that you are codependent. You are also not some rehab centre for him nor should act as one. Enabling him only gives you a false sense of control.

You met this man when you were just 15 and had no real life experience behind you. Do you actually know who you are as a person?. Given also that your three boys are now seeing and being affected by all this I would seriously consider your options within this marriage as such a situation you describe is unlikely to improve. Ask yourself what you are still getting out of this relationship: I think you would find it is nothing much.

The thing that jumps out to me is your teenage boys, they need to not have this as their role model to life.
I think you need time apart to decide if it’s him and it can be fixed, or if it’s over.

You did not cause this, you cannot control this and you cannot fix this.

Only he can decide if he wants professional help and he is showing no indication that he wants to seek help. You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make it drink. You cannot help anyone who does not want to be rescued and or saved and you cannot act as a rescuer or saviour in any relationship.

You cannot fix him, he only has the power to do that.

Good advice from @AttilaTheMeerkat.

You sound as if you have completely subjugated your personality to accommodate him and his moods.

He sounds controlling and generally awful.

I can well imagine your children being damaged by this environment.

You deserve better and it isn't him and his drinking, jealousy and moods.
So do your children.

Well done for starting therapy.

Focus on that.

You are not going to fix him, that is for sure.

I think it is time yourself and your boys became your priority ahead of him.

OK, so quick update.
We’ve just had a chat and I’m not sure if I feel better or worse. He makes me question everything I feel and now I’m wondering if I’m being unfair, after all, you are only hearing my side and from his side, he feels that I don’t prioritise him, I put myself first and that I don’t appreciate what he does.
He earns far more than me and I know that he must feel under an immense amount of pressure to keep the mortgage paid etc. I do my bit and am trying to get more hours at work etc, but even if I was the ‘perfect wife’ I still question whether that would make him happy.
He has actually made an appointment to see a counsellor - I clearly didn’t hear him right when he mentioned it to me. I thought he said that he was going to call them.
Weirdly, he didn’t seem to react too well when I told him that I’ve also got counselling booked. He said something about being transparent, but I told him that I only made the appointment on Friday and that we haven’t actually had to chance to talk properly for me to tell him; I wasn’t hiding it from him, just waiting for an opportunity to tell him at the right time.
He also said that he doesn’t know if he wants the marriage to work for the right reasons i.e. staying together for the kids or because we don’t want the marriage to fail.
He recognises that I don’t find him attractive, but I did try to reassure him and said that I still wanted closeness, just not the pressure of having sex, or him being in a mood if he didn’t get it. He said he doesn’t get in a mood and is resigned to the fact that I just don’t want sex with him.
He has a way of wording things so that I have no where to go with it and then I feel like it is my fault.
But then I am part of the marriage so clearly I’m not doing something right. He said I need to hold a mirror up to myself and take a look at how I act, behave and treat him.
I probably do need to do that, as nobody is perfect - but all I know is that I am uncomfortable around him, he’s unpredictable and I know that I can be happier, so maybe it has run its course and I just need to stop clinging onto what is not meant to be.
We have agreed to get help separately and then together, just to be sure that we have tried all that we can, and I think that’s fair enough.
I just don’t want it to end when all it needed was for both of us to get support and address what we both feel each other is failing at.
I tried to mention the issue of drinking but that’s when he kind of shut down and didn’t want to talk anymore.
He also said he was unhappy that I talk to a couple of close friends about our issues, and I do see what he’s saying, but I’ve told him that I need support and should be able to share my feelings, even if that means giving details about our marriage. It’s a tough one as I know I might feel awkward if he was sharing all of our marriage woes with a friend, but, A - he doesn’t really go out with friends or share his feelings with anyone, and B - I honestly don’t care what he says about me, I’d just be pleased he was getting another perspective. But he does have a point that it’s hard for him to see my friends when they probably know more about how I’m really feeling than he does. But isn’t that normal?
I’m repeating a bit, no doubt, but at least we have a plan now. I’ve just asked him if we can make an effort to be kind and nice to each other while we work through this - whatever the outcome. Have also read ‘Conscious Uncoupling’ which has helped somewhat.
Thanks again for your replies.

I can totally but mine was a short term 18 month relationship. It was exhausting. The whole relationship was about him. It was like every day started the same. Rather than say how are you? I should have said "what's up today" he has depression. He has moods that are quite honestly unbearable. We broke up 5 weeks ago as I just had nothing left to give. I gave all I had to support him..it was just becoming a leaning on me no balance relationship..the whole thing was a mess. I felt terrible alot. Didn't trust him. He was an ex drinker so he wasn't an alcoholic as such but he had never dealt with his emotional issues.

My ex is 48 now. I don't believe he will ever change now at this stage. He would do best on his own..he can't do commitment properly. He still has ties with his ex. Drag the pass into everything. Miserable. Life dealt him all these unfair cards.

I feel for him on some levels. But on others, these choices he's made over the years led him to where he's ended up.

I don't know what you have left to give. But when you are truly ready to make a change you'll know. Its hard. We are here just once and it seems so wasteful to be so unhappy! I often sit in the park or walk down the street and think why can't I be happy? Why doesn't anyone love me? Why am I nobodies special someone.

You will be grinded down. My therapist feels my ex is narcissistic. I think that words overused but.... my ex doesn't seem to gave Any empathy. Does your husband?

Control. He’s controlling the family with his moods, and the conversation you have just had.

Hi Strawberrydelight55, thanks for your reply and I’m sorry you too have had a rough time of it.
My husband does have empathy, I think. But I may be confusing this with his ability to be emotional, as he seems to know the right thing to do and say, but I’m not sure what he truly feels, if that makes sense.
He is very charming and can be charismatic, which is why I guess I fell for him in the first place. He did make me feel very special. He still has moments of kindness and has been supportive in the past but I feel that he doesn’t really get me and I feel trapped.
I was thinking about what another poster said it earlier - do I even know who I am since I’ve been with him for so long? No, I don’t think I do.
And what is normal in a relationship? Is there something or someone more suited to me, who wants to have fun and has a similar outlook on life?
I’m sure the grass isn’t necessarily greener, but how do I know if all I’ve known is him?

In fact I don’t want to be with another man, I think I just want to be on my own to figure out who I am and what I want. Losing my mum was a definite wake up call and I don’t want to live like this any longer. But then I have a bit of a panic and think that I won’t be able to cope financially on my own. The kids and all the other stuff I can manage fine, but the thought of having to hash out all the money stuff to decide who pays what etc just fills me with dread.
I don’t need or want much and I can sacrifice any material things just to be content, but with the cost of living going up etc, it’s a scary time to be contemplating having to sell up and buy on my own. It might not come to that, I just need to see it through to see what happens and know that in my heart it’s the right thing to do, whatever we/he/I decide.
I hope you find some happiness within - you don’t need a man to make you feel special. That comes from you. X

God, he sounds bloody awful. Sorry, I know that's not very helpful but don't put yourself through years more of this shit, it will absolutely destroy your mental health.

KangarooKenny - I think you are right but my husband makes me feel like I’m neurotic if I suggest he is controlling and then I question if I am misreading the signs. I guess all I need to listen to is what my gut is telling me!

You need to find yourself again, it sounds like you have been moulded to be the person you need to be in your situation.
See why the counsellor says.
Most of all you need to be yourself, and be happy. Wherever that is.

You must feel like you're walking along enveloped in a black cloud.

Honestly, is this relationship worth it?

Arrivederla - I have made him sound pretty awful haven’t I? I do wonder if that’s fair as he cannot stand up for himself and you are only hearing my side and are assuming that I am right.
If he had posted about how he feels I don’t put him first and that I lack intimacy with him etc then he’d probably have people tell him that I don’t deserve him etc etc, so I’m just conscious that this is only one side of it.
However, I only know how I feel and am trying to make sense of it all to know if I’m going cuckoo or if he really is depressed and is not coping well.
sometimes he does make me feel like I am an ungrateful cow, but will bypass all the times I do show him my appreciation - I think for him though, it will never be enough. He says the same to me though, that whatever he does is not enough. I don’t actually want him to do lots for me, just be nice to me and show some interest in doing things together.
We don’t actually sleep in the same bed as he has sleep apnoea and snores so badly that I can’t sleep. That’s a whole other issue…

This sounds so miserable - being dominated by his moods like this. It doesn't sound as though he is accpting that his behaviour is impacting you and the children, either, so I can't see that there is a lot of hope. It's all about stuff you have to do or not do, in his eyes.

Telling you you are neurotic for feeling what you feel is gaslighting, he does it (whether he knows it or not) to shove the responsibility for his behaviour and its effect on you, onto your "issues" - how convenient for him!!! You could look at it as the self defence tactic of a vain and angry man, but it's shit whatever the reason.

You have diagnosed him as depressed but maybe he is just an arse?

I was with my wife for 22 years. And she was going through an illness and depression for the last 13 of them and i went through depression for the last 4 of them. I would have happily gone through the rest of my life trying to help her through her problems. She gave up on me. You have to decide what type of person you are right now and if you are willing to try or you want the grass that might be greener

It also seems from what you have said that he doesn't value - or, perhaps see- you as a person: as opposed to a service. He doesn't seem to value your company - though admittedly we inevitably only have a snapshot here

But- from what you've written, he wants you to desire him and stay loyal to him and keep the house just so , because he feels "right" with these services being performed, reliably, by someone he can trust to do them right. How much difference does it make to him who does them?

Im sure hed say the 'right' thing if you asked, but what do his actions tell you, and how do you feel about that? Do you feel valued as a person?

Perhaps with you having been together since - well, almost children really, it's possibly not just you who doesn't know who you are. Does he truly "see" you? Or is he stuck with a 15-year-old's idea of what a girlfriend is and a wife does, projected onto the adult you?

Your account of your conversation is saddening. He is gaslighting you. You are allowed to feel how you feel, experience your relationship the way you do, and sod "holding a mirror up to yourself". That turning around thing is exhausting. Please don't be swayed by it, it's a trick, a guilt-trip and a distraction technique.

I really hope this doesn't sound dismissive because I recognise how difficult this is for you but when I read your post I knew exercise and weight gain would be involved.

Whilst what you are experiencing sounds extreme my DH's mood and libido is heavily linked to his weight and exercise routine. This isn't just my DH, a lot of my friends say the same about their mid life DHs. My DH is a runner and during a fairly long period of injury I considered leaving, his mood and self esteem was as you describe and me and the DCs suffered. He was the same when the DCs were small and there wasn't time for him to run.

My DH is also in a high pressured, well paid career that is extremely male dominated. Exercise is so key to his mental health and I recognise that now. I take every opportunity to encourage him to make time to exercise. Some of my friends do the same with ensuring the exercise routine is prioritised.

As I said I really hope that doesn't sound dismissive because I don't know you and I might be wrong that a practical solution of doing everything you can to get him back in the pool will help.

My husband has depression, so do I, though I haven't had an episode for several years now.

The thing is, it's an illness, and it can be treated. If an illness is impacting your family you owe it to them to treat it. You can't simply hobble around on a broken foot for months shouting at everyone when it hurts or someone knocks it, refusing to go on family days out because you can't walk, without seeing a doctor to get it fixed. He has a duty towards you and the rest of the family to get proper help and make a proactive effort to get better.

Things are so, so hard when DH is depressed. I'm talking discussions around how we'd be better off financially without him due to life insurance and it'd be better for our child not to have his influence around us, and then having to go get the toddler up and be perky and keep us all pepped up all day while I cook and clean and plan days out and do all the legwork while he glooms in a corner. But I know him, I know it's not him, I know it's an illness and importantly he does everything he can to get better. Therapy, which he stuck out even though he didn't feel it helped. Medication, which he continues to take because the evidence says stopping prematurely can cause a relapse. Self care, which gives him the time and space he needs to himself so he can be more present with us. And despite feeling at his worst he's never slacked on parenting or failed to put a brave face on for our child.

You have every right to leave a relationship for whatever reason you wish, btw, but if your partner is ill and making no steps to get better then it's fine if you decide you can't do it anymore.

He sounds horrible. How is he with your boys?

You are right of course that we are only hearing your side of things, but no matter what he could add, some of the things that you have said would be absolutely non-negotiable for me:

Heavy drinking
Jealousy
Lack of support around death of a parent
Impacting negatively on dc
Having an affair
Putting pressure on over sex

Actually just one of these things would be enough for me to seriously consider ending the relationship.

I know what it's like to feel massive guilt over wanting to end a marriage; I left my exh after almost 30 years. He suffered from low moods and at one point made an attempt to end his life (absolutely terrified, I stayed with him for another 5 years). Eventually I left, and guess what? He is perfectly ok, and I'm so much happier.
Don't be me and wait until you are almost 60!

There are no prizes to be given for staying the longest in a really miserable marriage. Give yourself permission to step out from under that black cloud, and back into the sunshine.