I think my husband is depressed and I’m finding it hard to deal with

[ForeverYoung40]

Hi,

So I’ll try to summarise as there’s a lot to unpick, but in the 30 years that I’ve been with my husband (since the age of 15), we’ve had our ups and downs like everyone else.
However, the last few years have been like a rollercoaster, particularly in relation to his moods. He has become more irritable, angry and moody in general and he is drinking too heavily, which just makes it worse.
I think he is depressed, but I really don’t think he sees it.
His behaviour is massively impacting our marriage, and I can see that the kids are now reacting to his moods (we have three teenage boys).

My mental health also now feels under threat as I have become increasingly anxious over his mood swings, so much so that I am always trying to behave in a way that won’t set him off or cause an argument and I can never predict how he is going to react - often over the smallest of things. He has issues with OCD so when things aren’t where he wants them to be or how he wants them to be then he can react negatively.

I am so mentally exhausted by it all and am be in deeply unhappy in my marriage. This isn’t me. I am positive, fun and motivated. I have lovely friends (which he seems resentful of) and I love spending time with my family. I exercise regularly and have a good job that is rewarding. And without trying to sound conceited, I am an attractive woman and am confident around other men. This only makes my husband jealous and paranoid but I do not want to change because of his jealousy.

I lost my mum a year ago to cancer, and even though my husband was supportive at the immediate time, he started to become resentful of me wanting to spend more time with my siblings and my dad. To me it was comforting to be with them so that we could support each other, but to my husband, it was just me putting everyone else before him.
Sex is an issue too. My sex drive hasn’t lowered, I just don’t find him as attractive, mainly because of how he behaves, but also because he’s not looking after himself and doesn’t look healthy.
After a previous blip in our marriage, he starting swimming and stopped drinking and he looked amazing. We were so much happier. But then lockdown happened and he couldn’t swim, and then the drinking gradually crept back in. Since then it’s been a downward spiral and I’m at the point where I feel that I need to take a stand if I am going to be happy - I’m just not sure if that’s with him or without him.
I’m starting some counselling next week to help me try and make sense of it all. My husband says that he will also go back to counselling (he went before but stopped), but I don’t think he’s made an appointment yet. He can have free support through work, so money isn’t the issue.

I think I just need to know that I’m not alone and that there are women reading this who can emphasise with me and can perhaps offer me hope. Either where the marriage worked or ended but that ultimately you could be the person you are meant to be.
There are so many other things that I think could be the trigger for his depression (this page would run into 1000s of words!), but I just need the reassurance that no matter how much more housework I do, or how much more money I can earn, or how or how much sex I can offer - ultimately theses things are not going to fix his depression, therefore it’s not my fault and I am not responsible - even though it feels like I am.

I think I just need a little anonymous rant, and hope that I can find comfort in others who understand what I’m going through.
Thanks

Thanks for your input everyone, it helps to hear what you all have to say.
I have told him that I think he’s gaslighting me and that he is passive aggressive. As these are both critical comments, he hasn’t taken them very well.
He says he doesn’t want me to be anxious around him but at the same time he doesn’t seem to understand why I feel that way - or maybe he is in denial.

I have encouraged exercise, as when he used exercise to cope this worked really well for him. He even stopped drinking and was a much better person for it.
He has been a really good hands-on dad, especially when the kids were young, and was amazing during my pregnancies and birth. We have twins and that wasn’t easy but he was great with them. He still is a good dad and does make an effort with the boys, but can also get moody and snappy too.
The boys do make comments to me when he’s like this as often it’s over the smallest of things.
However, he would never raise a hand to them and doesn’t shout. He just has a way of being argumentative and shifting the atmosphere from calm to tense.
One of our boys is autistic and I am the one that manages him, and that comes with its issues. My husband often feels that I am softer on him and that I don’t have firm enough boundaries - but I work with young people and so I feel I am a bit more in tune with how to communicate to a person who, by definition, has communication and interaction challenges.
He’s still great with our son, in respect of his needs, but when they clash, I feel I have to diffuse the situation. But then that means I’ve undermined my husband and obviously that doesn’t go down very well.
So in terms of the parenting and coaching and behaviour management etc, that falls to me. I’ll be honest, I’m just better at it because I’m a nurturer and I have all the time in the world for my boys, and they are all wonderful kids.
I think though that this also causes some jealousy with my husband as the boys always come to me when they need help.
One of my other sons is gay and is very expressive with dressing up and make-up etc and my husband is totally supportive of this, where many men would find this difficult to manage. He will take my son to shows and make an effort to support his interests, so from that point of view he’s great.
It’s just the moodiness that’s the issues and the high expectations he has of the kids. Sometimes I need to remind him to tell them how proud he is etc, because he is proud, he just forgets to say it.
He does show them love and hugs, but lately he’s been a bit more snappy and the first thing he might say to them is why is your room untidy, or why are there dishes in your room etc. That’s Ok, as they need boundaries, but I don’t see why he can’t ask them how they are, be friendly etc and then ask them to tidy up or whatever. They are teenagers and they do need to be reminded to pick up after themselves, so I’m not trying to go easy on them, I’m just trying to find the right balance.
His own upbringing was strained as his parents divorced when he was young, but old enough to see the devastating affects it had on his mum. His dad was also an alcoholic, which is why his drinking baffles me as he seems to be repeating the pattern. His dad then died when we were teenagers, and I’m sure a lot of this explains his issues with OCD and control, as for a time his life must’ve felt very out of control.
His mum has now developed dementia, and he is finding it really hard to cope with this. I am being supportive and have always got time to talk and offer help and advice, but I think he’s finding it all too much.
He’s had counselling before to help with ‘coping mechanisms’, but this time I think the counselling needs to focus more on the root causes of his issues and feelings.
He is a very complex character, and I don’t think that he is deliberately trying to hurt me, but he’s so caught up in his own feelings that he seems dismissive of mine when I’m struggling too. However, I am a strong person with a naturally sunny disposition, so although I don’t quite feel myself, I am not shrinking away and sticking my head in the sand with this. I am determined to resolve it one way or another.
I am not ready to give up on him yet as I want him to be happy and healthy for our boys, and if we do go our separate ways then at least I know he’s mentally strong enough to cope.

Just to comment on your last point - his mental strength isn't your responsibility. Yet you seem to focus alot on him and his issues. Does he give himself as much attention as you hive him, or is his mental well-being seen as another bit of wife work for you, by both of you?

It’s just the moodiness that’s the issues and the high expectations he has of the kids

Those are massive, massive issues. You praise him for other things that are normal things that any half decent parent would do.

Having depression is not a free pass to be an rude, unsupportive, cheating, angry, alcoholic sex pest who makes everyone in the household miserable and anxious with his unpredictable mood swings. And no amount of swimming will fix that.

Someone asked if he behaves like this with work colleagues or friends & acquaintances and I am guessing not? If so there is an aspect of he is choosing to behave badly with his family, and does have control of his behaviour when it suits.

You spend most of the posts talking about his feelings not yours, and describing and then excusing his bad behviour (including an affair, which can hardly be blamed on depression and which few women could forgive, but you did. Maybe ask yourself why). Rather than only focusing on his needs, start considering the needs of you and your sons and whether you should change your priorities.

As @ColdColdColdColdCold said with the physical injury analogy, getting help for it and finding ways to manage during the recovery process is expected, yet with depression many people seem to think the people around them just have to accept the behaviour no matter how bad it gets and how little they do to get better.

He's already told you he's accepted your marriage may not survive. Possibly he's given up but wants you to be the one to end it. You can't "save" him from his depression and there is no obligation on you and your kids to stick it out until some point he supposedly he’s mentally strong enough to cope.

I am not ready to give up on him yet as I want him to be happy and healthy for our boys, and if we do go our separate ways then at least I know he’s mentally strong enough to cope.

But he will never be "happy" because he is at heart abusive. In the meantime he will continue to drag you and your boys down with him. This is no legacy to be leaving them. If you go your separate ways (a course of action I would recommend) then where he goes is not your problem. All you've been doing here is propping him up and otherwise enabling him and doing that has given you a false sense of control.

Why do you feel so very responsible for him?. You may be a nuturer here but that's not fully it. Which parent here taught you to be codependent in relationships?. Why are his needs here seemingly more important than your own.

Mmm, some difficult questions have been thrown my way and I’m trying to work it all out. Sometimes when you’re the one in the situation it can be hard to see what’s in front of your face I guess.
Maybe I just see my husband as a human being who is struggling, and I love him and I want to support him in being the best person he can be and the best dad to the kids.
I know I’m not responsible for him or his happiness and I’ve told him this many times. I’ve also told him recently that I am working through my own issues, and this includes trying to figure out why we are in this marriage if it seems that neither of us are happy in it.
It’s confusing, especially as I get glimmers of hope when we share a joke or a memory - and he is one of the only people that can make me properly laugh. This is not enough for a successful marriage, I know this, but it’s scary when all you’ve really known is one person.

I’m not expecting anyone to go easy on me - after all, I’ve posted my life story to get some perspective, but it is still
my life and I am taking on board all the comments etc but I can’t change overnight after being with someone for 30 years.
I am seeking counselling and I have told my husband that if that doesn’t help us resolve anything (i.e. he doesn’t change/get better) then we are done.
One of my reservations about giving up is that I know he is a great husband when he’s in a good place, however, I also know that it might not take much for him to go back to a bad place.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with me wanting him to be happy in his own right as ultimately it will be our boys that will suffer if he doesn’t get better and I don’t want that for them as it’ll be history repeating itself.

I can always be a friend to him, if nothing else, as long as I’m looking after myself first - which I am starting to do; it just takes time to recognise the problems, deal with them, heal from the pain it has caused, make the appropriate changes and then move on with life. And I’m prepared to do all of that but it’s a process.

He doesn't think you put him first? Does he put you first? Ever? It sounds like his feelings are a priority to him and he thinks they should be to you too...because he earns more or something?

Sorry but from your responses that he is not sure whether he wants things to work, maybe things have run their course, he is resigned to you not wanting to have sex etc...it sounds like in his head, the marriage may already be over. Sorry to be blunt but he doesn't sound like someone who wants to fight for it

I can always be a friend to him, if nothing else, as long as I’m looking after myself first - which I am starting to do; it just takes time to recognise the problems, deal with them, heal from the pain it has caused, make the appropriate changes and then move on with life. And I’m prepared to do all of that but it’s a process.

I think everyone on here understands that it takes time; it's definitely not easy! I think you are doing really well in trying to take everything on board and not getting too defensive. Keep going, stay strong.

DrinkFeckArseBrick - I think the comment about him being resigned to the fact of me not wanting sex with him was coming from a place of low self-esteem. It is hard for him to hear that I currently don’t find him physically attractive, and I think any spouse/partner would struggle if that comment was made to them - I know I would, even though at the moment I’m just not feeling it anyway.
He has always had a high sex drive and it has been hard to compromise on how much sex is enough to keep us both happy.
I think this is a familiar scenario for most couples!
However I think he does use sex as a way to feel better about himself, but I don’t think this is uncommon in men. And from reading other posts, it’s also hard for women when they don’t feel desired.
As women we tend to support women, but many women seem to run down men at any chance they get because of their own hurt or betrayal.

I’m just trying to work out how I feel, what’s causing it, what the solution might be etc etc, and although I know that my husband sounds like a dick - people running him/men down and assuming they are all abusers isn’t very helpful to me. However, I do acknowledge the comments and am not dismissing them.

My husband may well be emotionally abusing me, maybe he has done for years, which is why I came here for support.
Some of you have said some very insightful things, and I am grateful for that. It has given me a lot to think about and there are things mentioned that I can discuss during my counselling sessions to help me work out the relevancy of some of the assumptions/comments about my relationship and mine/my husband’s behaviour.

At the moment I just want to be mindful that if he has got depression, which has not been diagnosed at this point, then some medication and counselling could be the answer to getting him to a better place. For some, the right support can transform them. So even though certain behaviours are not excusable, if he is ill then I need to see if there is hope for him and/or us when he gets the right treatment.
I’m not in denial about the things that he has done or said, I’m just trying to figure out the root of it all so that I have a full and clear understanding of it.
And if he feels he can no longer be happy with me, depression or not, then there’s nothing I can do about that but move on with my life, and the same goes for me. It just takes time to work through properly as I want it to be amicable, not destructive, as that doesn’t help anyone, especially when children are involved.

I don’t feel compelled to stay with him because I’m an enabler or codependent. I am independent and have my own mind - but it’s complicated, as relationships often are, especially when you’ve grown up with someone and you’ve survived ups and downs. But maybe I’m willing something to be that just isn’t meant to be. Maybe it’s just not possible to make this work. But what if he can see how he has behaved and has affected me, what if he can change? These are the questions that play on your mind at a time like this.

I forgave his affair because I believe that people can make mistakes but that it doesn’t necessarily mean the end of a marriage, in fact in some ways it can make it stronger, which it did for us for a time. He showed me how sorry he was and I chose to believe him. Others may have bolted and never turned back, but I chose to forgive. Does that make me weak? I think it shows that I am strong as I was able to get through a very shitty period, move on with life and not let it affect me. I don’t like thinking about it now but it doesn’t hurt me, because I choose not to let it.

Through my own counselling, I will hopefully be able to see things more clearly and have the courage to make the changes that I need to be where I want to be in life.
Arrivederla - thank you for your comments. I am not trying to be defensive, so thanks for recognising this, though this last post probably seems like I am!
I will keep going as I’m on a roll to sort this out either way, and I will try to stay strong.
Thanks all - over and out.

OP,

Dissolving a relationship of 30 years is not a process to be rushed when feelings are complicated.

Getting your own counselling will be so helpful.

The one thing that I think you should keep to the forefront of your mind, is your MH.

You feel that has been compromised.

Above everything, you owe it to yourself and your children to protect this at ALL cost.

Wishing you the best.