My mum said she doesn’t want to be alive anymore.

[Motherissues1]

My mum is miserable and controlling and has been glass half full my whole life.

Im now 39 and after therapy discovered I had complex ptsd which stems back to my childhood. My mum was controlling, angry and depressed and I tried to please her but nothing ever worked. Over the years I’ve tried so hard with her but I can’t take her anymore.

Im in a new relationship well a couple of years and 15 weeks pregnant. I’m so happy in my relationship. After a decade of abuse from my ex I’ve met someone who makes me feel at home, the first time I’ve felt like this.

4 years ago I lost my dad. My mum was devastated but my dad was run down and depressed himself living with my mums negativity. He said to me the negativity gave him the cancer.

last night my mum said she hopes she doesn’t live much longer and wants to die. I told her she needs to speak to the doctor but she says she doesn’t care and won’t. She has no hobbies no likes no friends she just sits all day, complains about others etc. She said no one wants her around, I’ve got my partner now. She should be happy it’s taken me 39 years and decades of abuse to find this. She should be involved and find joy in her grandchildren and now this new one. Instead she says I’m not buying them gifts anymore they’ve had enough from me. I also suffer with health problems physically and mentally because of her and my ex.

I don’t know why she can’t just be happy about anything. I put off telling her about the baby because I knew she wouldn’t be happy and I was right.

I don’t know what to do with her. I can’t make her see joy in anything. If she won’t see a doc what can I do? She says to me last night go on go and tell everyone what I’ve just told you. Then everyone knows how I feel. The thing is it’s nothing new she has never been happy about anything.

Thread title edited by MNHQ at OP's request

Sorry meant to say glass half empty not full , I wish!

Your mum sounds depressed , but unless she wants to help herself , there isn't much you can do about it.
You cannot fix her , not should you try. If you regularly see her just carry on doing that or phone calls if you don't live local .

@MayBeee she will not help herself and never has done she will sit and be a victim.

If she won’t get help there’s nothing you can do for her. However, this should affecting you. You need to go low contact for your own sake.

I think you need to leave her to it, as hard as that seems. She sounds beyond help, and there's nothing to be gained by dragging yourself down too. She was abusive to you, to everyone around you and affected your poor dads life. She is who she is. Don't spend your pregnancy stressing about her, as there is nothing to be done. Do you have siblings? What do they say?

She sounds like an attention-seeking narcissist.

’Go and tell everyone’?

If I were you, I’d go very low contact, and enjoy your happy new life. Congratulations on your baby, by the way 🙂

Stop trying to solve her problems. You're not responsible for her life. You have a bright future to look forward to so try and focus on that. If I was you I'd see your mum once a week (or whatever feels right to you). Take her out for a treat like tea and cake or something and then that's that. Don't see her again until the next week. You can't make her happy. It seems like you've spent your whole life trying to do this, at great cost to yourself. If she refuses to see a doctor there's nothing you can do.

She says to me last night go on go and tell everyone what I’ve just told you. Then everyone knows how I feel.

You’re being manipulated here. If it was depression there wouldn’t be this attention seeking aspect to it, imo.

Who is everyone and why can’t she tell them herself?

I think what’s happening is that you’re having a baby and you won’t have as much time to listen to your M moaning and she knows it.

She sounds like an attention-seeking narcissist.

I agree. She sees you finally happy, with a nice DP and excited for your pregnancy and she sees the attention from you waning, so this is her attempt to snatch it back - a threat of suicide. No wonder she's got no friends - she's a despicable human being.

OP, I would honestly go low or no contact with her. She gave you PTSD FFS! Her miserable, controlling, narcissistic tendencies aren't going to go anywhere, so do you want more of the same for the rest of her life, or do you want to finally be able to enjoy your life? Whatever she does, it's not on you, and I'd put money on the fact that she has no intention of committing suicide - this threat is just a control tactic. Your priorities now should be your pregnancy, your relationship and your future. Please don't let your mother ruin anything else for you

Yes, she sounds depressed, but she us also being manipulative. She sees that you are happy and I bet part if her doesn't like that. What better way to make you unhappy, and possibly destroy your lovely relationship with your partner, than ti tell you she doesn't want to live. Maybe she does feel threatened that once the baby comes, she won't be the centre of your life, but she is being a narcissist to be telling you this in a way that implies suicide.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Maybe take some time out from visits to your mum to enjoy life. Your mum seems intent on destroying your happiness.

Some people like to be miserable, OP. They don't actually want you to fix it for them, because this is their happy place! They enjoy the drama. Let her get on with it.

You have my sympathy.
My Mum revelled in being unhappy and bitter, it saps the life out of those close to them.
Congratulations on your happy news.

What Zafferana wrote here.

Drop the rope she holds out to you and keep your as yet unborn child well away from your mother going forward.

Well, it's the same thing isn't it!! 🤪

congratulations on everything else!! Getting out if your abusive relationship, finding a lovely 'new' man & having a baby with him. Lovely 💐

Your Mum should be incredibly happy for you & I'm sorry she's not. I'm sorry she took the shine off it a bit too.

I don't really have any further suggestions because there really isn't an ideal solution.

Given she isn't going to change & has caused you (& your poor Dad) such misery over the years, what would YOU LIKE (in reality) to do now? I get the guilt & that going completely NC is very difficult (if you want to, then do) Go as LC as YOU want to. YOU set the pace/rules.

Look after yourself, your kids, your relationship above her. Give of yourself to her what YOU want to. It's hard I know, but it's necessary for YOUR MH.

💐

It’s soul destroying being around her. She says she is always on her own but being around her makes me feel so on edge all the time. It’s been with me since childhood. She has a sister who spends all day looking after my gran who is 92. My mum complains she has to call her to find out what’s happening. She hardly visits her mum herself and my poor aunty goes everyday to listen to her own mum throw abuse as she is loosing her mind with her age. My mum is not the victim perhaps my aunty would appreciate a call or a tea out or something after she is doing all the work.

she isn’t the only one who is sad, I spent my time wishing I wouldn’t wake up. I now have chronic fatigue syndrome and I have my days where I’m fed up but I try so hard to see he positives in what I have. My mum does not know what I’ve been through, rape, abuse, surgeries, miscarriages but I did something because I refused to let that make me a terrible mother to my daughter and now I have another on the way and I want this old life away from me.

she didn’t really threaten suicide. She has been coughing and I said take a covid test. She said it’s not that probably just asthma playing up so I said go and get it sorted out. She said perhaps I don’t want to perhaps I want it to kill me as I don’t want to be around anymore.

she uses her husbands death. But the truth is they were miserable. My dad would spend his time at my house getting out the way from her then she would come and complain that he wasn’t being nice or didn’t want to go anywhere. Truth is I don’t blame him he must have been so worn out.

Do you still see a counsellor?
Because that’s what I would do just now so you have support and help on how to handle her.
Which could also include going LC, putting some distance etc…

You say your mum was controlling when you were a child. You realise that her saying ‘she doesn’t want to live anymore. That you have your life.’ etc… is just a way to manipulate you with guilt) to try and ensure you are going to spend more time with her than you’d like to - because you have your life and a good one at that!!

Btw the telling everyone is a nice ploy to force your hand at you looking after her and knowing that, if everyone knows how she ‘feels’, you’ll also feel the societal pressure if looking after her too.

Dont fall for it. Concentrate on your life and remind yourself your mum is an adult. She is the one responsible for herself, not you. She is the one who needs to go and see a GP to get help if she needs some. As you said yourself, you can’t make her do that. You need to accept that it’s her choice and not your responsibility.

I will be telling my brother but he moved hundreds of miles away and has very little to do as it is. He has a nice life all those miles away.

She is stupid as I would love the support of a mum and have her round as much as possible helping out etc or just chatting but we don’t have that relationship and never will. I want that with my children. She pushes herself away and tells herself she isn’t wanted then makes it all up. My auntie told me she was the same as a child.

Sorry Xpost.

Your last post is all about her being controlling and playing the victim, as she has done all her life.

She is damaging YOUR life. You have plenty to deal with already (I have ME/CFS too so I know exactly where you are coming from). Chose wisely where to spend your energy. And it shouldn’t be about worrying about your mum, trying to make things better for her. Instead chose to spend that energy for things that matter, things that make you feel good and happy. Your marriage, your child, yourself.
When you have limited capacity energy wise, you need to learn to be ‘selfish’ for want for a better word) and chose.
Fir the simple reason that there is no way you will be able to do it all anyway (and that is if you COULD actually do anything for her - which isn’t the case)

She pushes herself away and tells herself she isn’t wanted then makes it all up

And that is hers to sort out.
No one else can do that for her.

This is her.

The key is to never expect her to change because she won’t. You have to acknowledge this is her.

I would go very low contact to try and eliminate her affecting you and your baby as much as possible.

When she’s gone you will feel a weight has lifted off your shoulders. Horrible to say but true.

I'd bet my last £1 that she's not suicidal at all. She's saying these things to manipulate you and make you feel guilty. Everything you've said about her behaviour tells me that. You're in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) and hopefully will find your way out of it soon.

Take a look at this website, and the 'Toxic Parents' book by Susan Forward.

www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/

@Only4You i have so much going on. I’m at the family court because of the abuse with my daughter and her dad. I’ve got nothing really to give her. My mental health is fragile and only developing really. I don’t want this in my life I’ve had my fair share now. I know she misses my dad even though they were miserable at least she had someone to complain about. Now she saying what am I supposed to do with my life sit on my own and die.

We can all feel like that. My reply is to meet people, join groups and find things that make you have some happiness in life. She just will not.

I wonder if you know about FOG - fear, obligation and guilt.

With a parent like yours, it’s very common as their offspring to feel this.

Recognise it and DON’T.

@badhappening i learnt about that with my ex and how he had me in this. My mum I don’t seem to have the energy to deal with it all again I just want her at arms length from me because she makes me feel unhappy things. I feel like I’ve been left to deal with her. My brother does nothing and the family are not close at all so it’s just me all the time.

My father is the same. The only thing you can do is distance yourself emotionally. My mother has done this, has hobbies, friends and rarely interacts with him.