My mum said she doesn’t want to be alive anymore.

[Motherissues1]

My mum is miserable and controlling and has been glass half full my whole life.

Im now 39 and after therapy discovered I had complex ptsd which stems back to my childhood. My mum was controlling, angry and depressed and I tried to please her but nothing ever worked. Over the years I’ve tried so hard with her but I can’t take her anymore.

Im in a new relationship well a couple of years and 15 weeks pregnant. I’m so happy in my relationship. After a decade of abuse from my ex I’ve met someone who makes me feel at home, the first time I’ve felt like this.

4 years ago I lost my dad. My mum was devastated but my dad was run down and depressed himself living with my mums negativity. He said to me the negativity gave him the cancer.

last night my mum said she hopes she doesn’t live much longer and wants to die. I told her she needs to speak to the doctor but she says she doesn’t care and won’t. She has no hobbies no likes no friends she just sits all day, complains about others etc. She said no one wants her around, I’ve got my partner now. She should be happy it’s taken me 39 years and decades of abuse to find this. She should be involved and find joy in her grandchildren and now this new one. Instead she says I’m not buying them gifts anymore they’ve had enough from me. I also suffer with health problems physically and mentally because of her and my ex.

I don’t know why she can’t just be happy about anything. I put off telling her about the baby because I knew she wouldn’t be happy and I was right.

I don’t know what to do with her. I can’t make her see joy in anything. If she won’t see a doc what can I do? She says to me last night go on go and tell everyone what I’ve just told you. Then everyone knows how I feel. The thing is it’s nothing new she has never been happy about anything.

Thread title edited by MNHQ at OP's request

For my Mum it was my brother dying unexpectedly at 40 that gave her the chance to fully indulge herself.
The sympathy people showed hit all the right notes and she was in her element. I didn't notice at the time (blinded by my own grief) but looking back it was the chance she'd wanted to step back from life. As soon as the sympathisers drew back the bitterness escalated and the woman she became was actually really fucking horrible.
Nothing and nobody made her happy and she didn't really want it to.
Don't fall into the trap, you won't make her happy if she enjoys being like this you'll just torture yourself.

I worry I must sound so mean when people hear me talk about my mum. My boyfriends mum says I should include her more and take her places. The thing is I don’t want to spend time with her. As when I do I’m on edge, I can’t express any of my own needs. I can’t say today I feel tired with my c.f.s as she just says oh well I have this illness and I just carry on and don’t tell anyone. I feel when she is around I’m muted and paralysed and have no identity . It’s odd.

If you want her at arm length, then that’s you need to do.

You clearly have no spare capacity ‘to take her places’ and be ‘the good daughter’. So don’t. Don’t jeopardise your health, your dd comfort and your marriage.

She is manipulating you knowing that people who don’t know her (like your partner’s mum) will put pressure on you to do that.

The more you say, the more I’m thinking you would benefit from some counselling again to help you go through that and find a way of being with your mum that works for YOU. (Not what you should be doing, what others think you should do but what works for you!)

You don't owe her any of those things. As parents part of our role is to protect our children, to encourage them, to look after their safety and their health when they are still dependent on us, we want them to be happy and safe, we want them to achieve and to be independent, to explore the world and to be fulfilled.

Your mum let you down. She has not been a good mum. She hasn't even been a half decent mum, and yet you think you're obliged to be a wonderful daughter. You don't even owe her half-decent.

And when you have tried to be a 'good' daughter, despite her now deserving that of you, she has thrown it in your face, continues to treat you badly.

Please focus on you, on your child and the other good things in your life. Whatever you do or say to your mum will not be good enough. She is a grown adult with the ability to talk to a doctor, a counsellor, to take up a hobby and make friends. She is choosing not to do those things. She has chosen how her life is. You can choose how your life is.

That should have said NOT deserving that of you.

You are clearly both very damaged. Its hard to help others when you are struggling yourself. I sadly have no advice.

Move away.

Op you have my sympathies, my mum was the same. You need to accept that there is no solution, your boyfriends mum doesn't understand what you're dealing with.

There is no solution because your mum's negativity and victim status is her identity. It is her whole worldview and she is consistently seeking evidence to reinforce that the world and everyone in it, is as bad as she thinks. She isn't happy but she is emotionally safe and that is good enough for her. Allowing any kind of solution in would break her whole worldview. In particular it would mean accepting that her unhappiness was at least in part of her own making and something she could have overcome. If the problem isn't other people, then she'd have to consider that the problem starts with her, and she isn't going to do that. It sounds like she is very insecure underneath all of this, and putting other people down is very ingrained defense mechanism for her.
When these are the type of underlying reasons for the behaviour, solutions will never work and your mum will shoot down anything that you try. So your only hope is to limit your contact with her and try and set some boundaries about what you will or won't be drawn into.

It is very very hard to untangle from
The influence of a parent who is a narcissist .. this is classic behaviour of one .. however it is possible and very very freeing .. if you can afford therapy I couldn't recommend it highly enough .. otherwise there are loads of free talks on YouTube that will set you on the right track. It's wonderful news you have a baby on the way and a loving partner .. the trick is to lose that inner voice that has been implanted there for so long which is your mum's voice . Emma Thompson called this inner voice Shit FM which I love .. dial yours down and reprogram to a positive channel . I speak as the daughter of a violent narcissistic alcoholic father .. I've done all of the work but on my own .. it's amazing but needs constant "noticing " .. as in ahh I can't enjoy a happy moment because my Shit FM is getting louder on the wrong channel - gosh I hope this makes sense x

She's a grown up, she can not want to live if she wishes, but you don't have to keep listening to her misery. I'd be inclined to go v low contact with her and not allow yourself to be hooked back in by the veiled threats of not wanting to live.

If your boyfriend’s mum is so concerned, why doesn’t she take her out for a cup of coffee?

I bet she’d do it once, and then keep her opinions to herself after that

Seriously, OP, if you can, seek therapy to help you untangle from the FOG. You won’t change your mum. All you can change is your reaction to her ridiculousness, and you’ll need support with that.

Think of therapy as one of those Lego separators. You two are stuck together - all her little ways are like the studs, stuck fast into the gaps she created when you were growing up. She’s going to have to be prised off before you can be free.

It sounds like you resent your brother for removing himself from the abuse your mother dishes out.

Aren't you happy that he has escaped? Wouldn't you like to do the same?

My mum was like this too until the day she died. I had to take a back seat. You can't help someone unless they help themselves a little.
I actually had it out with her one day and explained that no one wants to be around her sue to her negativity and she needed to sort it out. It worked temporarily but she soon slipped into her old ways.
When I saw her I tried to be upbeat but then left when she started moaning.
She did get slightly better. It's hard . I feel for you.

OP your mum is not your responsibility. It is not your job to try and make her happy or try and get her to change. She won’t. She absolutely 100% will not change. Whether you can cut contact completely only you know but I would absolutely limit the time you spend with her. When she starts the victim narrative just stand up and say OK I’m not available for this today, take care, see you next week.
and repeat every time.

You will have the lasting consequences of having her as a parent and have to spend the rest of your life battling the complexities of your childhood and relationship with your mum. It won’t ever go away completely but you can limit how much it continues to affect your every day life.

I would suggest some more therapy if you can - being pregnant may mean you are able to access it easier or quicker but some therapy to learn to deal with the guilt and sense of responsibility that you will feel. You shouldn’t feel it, it’s not your problem to fix, but you will feel it so continuing to work through it will help.

Youve had it rough OP but it is now the time to prioritise yourself and your baby and new relationship. You can have a happy, positive future. It will feel terrible to enforce these boundaries but you absolutely have to.

Your dad had a choice and so do you. You don't have to have so much contact with her.

It's hard because she has trained you to revolve around her and consider her first at every turn, you need mental space and boundaries to reset yourself to a new course being mostly concerned with yourself and your child, partner etc.

Don't fall into the codependent victim trap your dad did where by he felt miserable being with her negativity and blamed her rather than take responsibility for his decision to stay in her orbit.

(I know that's harsh as he's gone now. Sorry for your loss. But you don't want to be another 10 or 20 years down the line of this and making yourself and your children miserable because you've kept things as they are now. She's not going to change, so you need better boundaries in place around her)

She should be happy it’s taken me 39 years and decades of abuse to find this. She should be involved and find joy in her grandchildren and now this new one

Once you let go of what she 'should' do/think/feel, you'll feel better. There are no 'shoulds' with feelings. People feel how they feel, and respond to their feelings in the way they want to. Your responsibility isn't to take care of another adult. It's to make sure that you don't spend time with people who spoil your mood.

Distance yourself from her. If she wants to be dead, that's her gubbins. I had an elderly relative did that for years. I loved him, but all I could, after all other efforts were exhausted, was to say to him 'I'm sorry you feel that way', and leave it at that.

I was in the same boat OP, I too have complex PTSD, anxiety and depression, now controlled on drugs.
I decided to confront my parents and that didn't do any good at all so I moved hundreds of miles away and started a new life. I'm not no contact but I am very limited contact and if I hear a single thing that upsets me I withdraw contact immediately.
Its the only way - she stole your childhood from you, don't let her steal your adulthood away too.
Also don't forget your own needs, I hope you have had extensive counselling because complex PTSD can wreck all your good relationships too - a lot of the time the rage, angst and the pain of it leak out into your relationships. Its really important to keep getting the help you need.

Depression is complicated. People cannot just snap out of it and just be happy. It's a curse that can last a lifetime. Sometimes people struggle to get treatment.

I think this is the consequence of my mums childhood being left un dealt with. She was abandoned for a while by her mum who who fled from her husband (abusive alcoholic) and didn’t tell my mum for fear she would tell her dad. My auntie has said in the past my mum was a very jealous child. She has slipped in and out of this Victim mentality over the time, she sulks and is very childlike emotionally still.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation no I’m no longer annoyed with my brother. I used to be before I realised. He is not free from this he feels abandoned by her as she doesn’t bother to ring him or make an effort either. My mum suffers from M.S and has started to deteriorate a bit these lasts months. I would like my brother to help me but he doesn’t do anything. He is an accountant so said he would keep an eye out on all my dads finances for my mum but doesn’t I have to do it all. He also could help to arrange some help with the garden and house but doesn’t. He may not want to help his mum but I haven’t done anything and it would be nice if he helped me with some of the weight. He was close to dad so I’m not sure why he can’t help to keep an eye on all the money he left behind, he told dad he would.

I am unable to cut ties with my mum as she has nobody else and she is unwell herself with the M.S. I am aware though I can’t change her and emotionally I must cut ties. I could not live with myself as a person if I walked off and said just die then.

I think if this depression was new since dad dying I would be more forgiving but it’s not. She has never been happy and was extremely depressed and very aggressive with when we were younger. I don’t even know if it’s depression I don’t think she has ever had any self esteem she is just a very damaged person and has always been like this.

I wouldn’t say she was intentionally abusive or mean but she reacts in a way a child would. She reacts from hurt inside she feels slighted all the time but yet she judges people all the time when she is no way perfect. A bit like my ex husband he was like a hurt child also and reacted with pain all the time. He had no control over his reactions.

If she's acting like a child, treat her like a child. Personally I would go LC or NC, but you seem like you aren't able to consider that rn.

Don't get reeled on because then you become the under appreciated victim and the cycle might continue!

@Motherissues1

I'm sorry you are going through such tough times. I hope your partner is able to give you support and take a little weight off your shoulders.

My brother does nothing and the family are not close at all so it’s just me all the time.

Sounds like your brother has distanced himself, particularly from your mother, in order to protect himself. Do you have a good relationship with him so you at least have an allay?

If you are not already seeing a therapist, maybe you could trying talking to someone professional with experience in dealing with people from abusive relationships.

I also agree you should put some emotional distance between you and your mother - you need your reserve of strength to deal with the other things on your plate. 🌹

My brother has just gone really from the family. He doesn’t have any contact with our grandparents or anyone he just met his wife and left with her really. He was close to dad but didn’t do anything. It was myself who took him to all the chemo and arranged the funeral. He has always done the absolute bare minimum and left me with all the weight. I do feel he was much less effected then me perhaps because I was a little girl and that was my mum.

You can step away. If she had health needs she will have to find help elsewhere. She’s impacting your MH.

Deep down you know what she is and what she's doing, you can't let her suck the chance of happiness away from you. You know anything you do won't make a bit of difference she just feels better if someone else is suffering.
It's time to give yourself permission to be happy.
It's the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) and you need to change the way you've been trained to think and allow yourself some happiness.
You can't fix it for her it's not in your power but you don't need to sacrifice yourself.

It's shit 💐