Anyone actually get on with their ex, despite being left for ow?

[pinguthepenguin]

I'm curious, because having split 4 months ago at birth of our dd, we're no further foward. Ex seems to have guilt complex or otherwise, as he is very defensive and not at all concillatory, always sniping, cold etc.

Anyhoo- this is the thing: The way he is with me is a defence mechanism for him- he knows he has bhaved badly. Im the kind of person who can't hold on to anger/grudges/bad feeling for long periods of time. They consume me, eat me up and I take them to heart much more than ex ever did, so our current stand-off is very upsetting for me and not at all productive for my emotional recovery. So here's what I want to do: I'm considering asking for a chat, and extending a 'olive branch', so to speak, whereby I suggest that we put it all behind us, that I accept he is now with ow, wish them well and let it all go.

This seems like a mad thing to do- given that he has treated me very badly and that it may, in essence seem like I've something to apologise for, but you see- this will never happen unless I instigate it. I promise you, not once in the 3 years we were together did he ever apologise for anything, however small, or extend an olive branch after a row. So with this in mind- I see no end to current hostility/bad feeling/sniping between us, because of his nature- and I simply cant spend the next 18 years of dd's life dealing with him on this level. He isnt confrontational per se- more of a sulker, passive aggressive type.

So if I do this- ask if we can put it all behind us, 'whats done is done' kind of thing- do you think It'll help me? or will I look like a fool in front of him?
I'm hoping it will be 'damage limitation' of sorts, because hating him is hurting no-one but me, and I cant go on like that. then.

He's coming here in an hour to collect dd and I was thinking of having speaking to him
your thoughts please girls
x

some typos there, sorry!

If you feel you can then do it! It is a very admirable approach in the circumstances and it will probably make life easier for all of you so go for it. He probably doesn't deserve it but then it's not just for him is it as it will make things easier for you and dd too.

Have no experience of such things - though sounds like you were left in a difficult situation thanks to dp. I can give a very unknowledgeable opinion which is this:

You need to try to get on now because you have a dd together so it is worthwhile trying to make it a working relationship, however, I think that it is much better if you try to emotionally back away from him. Be cordial, but business-like in your interaction. His issues with the end of your relationship are his alone and all you can do is try to emotionally distance yourself from his behaviour. I personally think it might be unwise to engage in any sort of discussion over the past because it might open up old wounds and make you more vulnerable (and it sounds from your post like you have made a valient effort to recover from his infidelity). But I am completely unqualified to offer anything other than opinion...

Best wishes

bunkups- this is entirely about me tbh, because our curent situation is making my recovery impossible.

rantmum- was hoping that rather than rake over old ground- I suggest we 'put it to bed'- even if this means im giving him a clean slate, a clear conscience, then so be it. This is about me atm.

im a bit like you, cant be bothered to hold a grudge and im very forgiving.
Not been in your situation ever tho, so not sure how i would be .
but think that if you can do it then do it.
would make life smoother.

This WILL come back and bite his sorry ass one day,

just sit back, enjoy your dd and wait.....

I have replied on ur step-parenting thread

my ex was having an affair & I found out. We tried to make a go but I ended up kicking him out 8 weeks later.

He of course went str to OW.

They are together still - she is horrible & vile to me BUT my ex & I are ok. He is the father of my children & I care about him because of this. We manage to have decent conversations now but it is over 2 yrs on and divorce is finally in sight.

I think it probably depends on you both as people - my ex is very laid back & anything for a quiet life. Now I have finally got my head round it all, I dont feel hate anymore so it seems fine....until his GF gets involved

still I actually find myself feeling sorry for him cos I bet his life isnt better for having left me & our 2 wonderful DCS.

I think it is a good idea in theory but I would not be surprised if given the nature of your dp's "guilt" that he may even resent the olive branch approach and be quite unpleasant to you - but you know him better than I do and as I say I am certainly no expert. Sorry if I not much help.

lol deeny- love it when people say that, sad eh! He isnt a serial womaniser though, was very out of character tbh. He left me before starting anything physical with her, so is an honorable guy by all accounts (!).

Any other opinions v.welcome

oh and I would say beware - 4 mths means you may still be at denial stage so be prepared to feel anger towards him.

I would say just go with what makes you & DD happy as thats what matters.

I actually went 5 mths without seeing or speaking to him cos thats what I needed - we communicated by txt or email, he dropped off/picked up kids from my parents and when he phoned to speak to the children, I just handed kids the phone.

the thing is girls- I'm never going to forgive him, not really. No- I'm merely offering to drop the whole thing, let go of current hostility and accept the situation for how it is- hoever sad it makes me feel. I wil be making it clear that I thought he treated us badly and that he can only answer to himself and our child on that one in years to come- but that for now, I want to moce forward for her sake.

the thing is girls- I'm never going to forgive him, not really. No- I'm merely offering to drop the whole thing, let go of current hostility and accept the situation for how it is- hoever sad it makes me feel. I wil be making it clear that I thought he treated us badly and that he can only answer to himself and our child on that one in years to come- but that for now, I want to move forward for her sake.

the thing is girls- I'm never going to forgive him, not really. No- I'm merely offering to drop the whole thing, let go of current hostility and accept the situation for how it is- hoever sad it makes me feel. I wil be making it clear that I thought he treated us badly and that he can only answer to himself and our child on that one in years to come- but that for now, I want to move forward for her sake.

woops- what happened there?

I think that your sentiment is great, but I return to my concern that he may very well feel that what you think of as conciliatory, he may feel is you taking the high moral ground and that he might actually behave worse towards you as a result. Is that possible?

(Oh and to be clear I couldn't care less about his feelings except in the sense that they could backfire and hurt you again)

PeterDuck said it better than I did, but her story reflects the issue that would concern me: your xdp is not willing to acknowledge his "fault" openly and will respond badly to your attempt to reconcile

sorry or are you a male PeterDuck (as the name would imply?

Thanks Peter

I don think your mum is fab to ahve gone through your entire childhood watching you adore the man who treated her badly- even though, as you say- it kind of backfired on her.

I do hear what you're saying. I don't think my aim is to actually 'forgive' as it were, and I do think I will try to be a little realistic when it comes to telling dd why her parents were never together. I'm trying to limit how crap I continue to feel on a daiy basis- and by constantly being at war with him, I'm getting no further foward. I think that, if I at least let go of some of the anger, that I could go some way towards moving on. At the moment my anger is spilling into all areas of my life, for example, If I was caught short with dd and needed a babysitter, he'd be the last person I'd ask- even though he's more than willing. Thats silly.
I also resent EVERY single comment he makes regarding DD's care and hate it if he tries to have an opinion.
Thats also silly.
I still care about him and long to know how he is, to have a half-civil conversation about our lives as they are now, but I cant bring myself to.
Thats not so silly- but I hate the idea of never being civil to him again, despite how awful he was to me. I still care.

So I'm not forgiving- thats something I'll deal with privately and this will be made clear. But I'm merely asking that we let go of the current 'stand-off' between us, that we co-parent, that we stop treating one another like we have died.

Rantmum- you're right, he may well resent me for taking the morak high ground and it could back-fire. I don't know what to do for the best.

I dont slag off my ex BUT I have told my DS that his GF was rude to me and I did tell him today I was concerned about a 3 hr journey in such awful weather but that daddy would not cancel or pospone.

PeterDuck - do you not think as a mother that it is good to protect ur child? Would u have liked it more if she'd slagged off your dad? I think that children feel secure at home & so probably lash out - you may have still felt annoyed/angry with your mum even if you'd known the truth

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