Anyone actually get on with their ex, despite being left for ow?

[pinguthepenguin]

I'm curious, because having split 4 months ago at birth of our dd, we're no further foward. Ex seems to have guilt complex or otherwise, as he is very defensive and not at all concillatory, always sniping, cold etc.

Anyhoo- this is the thing: The way he is with me is a defence mechanism for him- he knows he has bhaved badly. Im the kind of person who can't hold on to anger/grudges/bad feeling for long periods of time. They consume me, eat me up and I take them to heart much more than ex ever did, so our current stand-off is very upsetting for me and not at all productive for my emotional recovery. So here's what I want to do: I'm considering asking for a chat, and extending a 'olive branch', so to speak, whereby I suggest that we put it all behind us, that I accept he is now with ow, wish them well and let it all go.

This seems like a mad thing to do- given that he has treated me very badly and that it may, in essence seem like I've something to apologise for, but you see- this will never happen unless I instigate it. I promise you, not once in the 3 years we were together did he ever apologise for anything, however small, or extend an olive branch after a row. So with this in mind- I see no end to current hostility/bad feeling/sniping between us, because of his nature- and I simply cant spend the next 18 years of dd's life dealing with him on this level. He isnt confrontational per se- more of a sulker, passive aggressive type.

So if I do this- ask if we can put it all behind us, 'whats done is done' kind of thing- do you think It'll help me? or will I look like a fool in front of him?
I'm hoping it will be 'damage limitation' of sorts, because hating him is hurting no-one but me, and I cant go on like that. then.

He's coming here in an hour to collect dd and I was thinking of having speaking to him
your thoughts please girls
x

pingu, i know where you're coming from
I would very much prefer if my xh (of nearly 4 months) and I could have a relationship that was at least polite for the sake of the dds, although I, like you, do not forgive him for being a cheating lying scumbag! However, every time I've tried to talk to him about anything he's just been rude or aggressive to me, making me feel like i shouldn't have bothered.

thanks PD

Pingu very admirable I must say my dh who has been gone 3 months now well I don't think i'm anywhere near forgiving him, i've tried to pacify things and get on with him (tho i've always hoped he would come back) but we can't seem to do anything but argue, it also looks like we are going to be turfed out of our home coz he has told me that he will no longer pay then mortgage once we are divorced. I've made myself ill over the last 3mths and i know its not me who has changed but him. I hope it works out for you

Pingu you are clearly in a catch 22 situation and actually despite what we all say I think the most important that you TRUST your OWN judgement, and do it armed with all the possible outcomes so that if you do decide to broach the subject with him you can be braced for a negative outcome. You have probably had your confidence knocked and it is important for your self worth that you allow yourself to make decisions and know that you are perfectly entitled to do what you think is right and that ultimately (even if it backfires) you have been the bigger person. I hope it works out for you!

Sorry I haven't read all the replies so I might be repeating someone else.

I did what you suggested. I backed down for an easy life. I've even paid my ex for half the debt he built up when we were together (despite it being in his name and that I didn't know anything about it)

At first I felt like I was doing the best thing for dd but my backing down just made ex think he could keep on taking advantage. He never appreciated the fact that I did whatever I had to do to make the split easier for us and dd.

8 months on and I still regret giving him such an easy time of it. By letting him belief that I wasn't hurt by his actions just made him think that there was nothing wrong with the way he treated me. Now I'm left with bubbling resentment and have to take a stand to stop him taking advantage even further now we have seperated.

(sorry if that's a long incoherent ramble, I've had a few glasses of wine)

sorry for my lack of commas

Pingu - how did you get on? Everything ok?

Hi Rantmum

Wow- emotional few hours, me blubbering as I always do when speaking to ex regarding our split and other woman. I started by saying that I hated how we were with each other, how it was no good for DD etc. I asked him to give me some information about ow ( I knew her btw) as I had a natural curiosity abut them because of how he ended things with me and I needed to know to move on, i.e., where they were in terms of their relationship, if it was serious etc. He did tell me more than he's ever done in the past. Things like:

• he has taken dd to stay in her house (that KILLED me)- he doesn't know if he's in love with her
• he has met her family, they dont mind that he has a small baby (wtf????)
• would like things to work out between them

These things weren't nice to hear, but I needed to know- part of moving on I guess.

He went on to say that he didn't regret the split, because he maintains that she didn't split us up- he was going to do it anyway. The other woman doesn't feel responsible therefore, because he has assured her that he was going to end things with me. He did though, say that she feels a bit guilty, and he does as well, but only for how he went about things, rather than actually leaving me. (nothing physical happened between these two before he left, but they laid the foundations ifyswim)
He said he feels angry that I've told everyone that he's run off with another woman, and thats what i'll tell our daughter. I've said that he can answer to her himself, as will I.

He said he does still care about me, but found it hard to be in any way civil because I was also being cold etc. I accepted that- but only because it was a symptom of how sad I felt. We've agreed to stop being awkward and unkind to one another, and try to be good parents to our child. I asked him if he was happy now, and he said he wasn't because he isn't with our child, but that he still doesn't regret the split. He even said he wished he had my life sometimes ( haha!)
I told him that although I have wished unhapiness on him and his gf, deep down, its pointless- and I dont want him to be unhappy in his life, so good luck to them.

He never actually said anything of this nature to me- you know, concilatory, heartfelt, but then, he probably couldn't bring himsef to.

I even asked him (jokingly) if he ever thought we could be friends eventually, and he said that 'he had never stopped being my friend' ( could have fooled me, but anyway) Had a very half-hearted hug as he left,( me blubbering by this point again) the first since it all began- it was empty though. He didn't actually want to, I could tell.

So I feel better atm- but is this a temporary fix? who knows? Probably. I do know that I've waxed and waned with my emotions so much these last few months months; from telling myself to let them get on with it, I'm better off etc - to downright despair and sadness. I hope that I don't let the anger and bitterness consume me any further and that I can finally begin to heal, because as I said in my op- its me that feels the worst in this situation- he has already moved on.

I've agreed to try and move on, to stop with the comments and hostility etc- so I have to try and stick to my word- for me and for my DD. I hope he sticks to his too, as he doesn't really like being challenged and his new-found reason may not last if I ever do.

What I hope for now, is indifference.

When will that come? Anyone know how long it takes? I'm 4 months in.

oh my god how reasonable are you? you sound lovely and so much better off without. if you stay with that adult mature approach you dd will have the most solid grounding. you are doing a sterling job x

Well done, you're being really brave and really strong, and doing a really, really good thing. 4 months is not long so of course it's not unreasonable to feel angry, hurt and sad, but what you're doing now is actually a way that will help you feel better a bit quicker. Your relationship with your XP as a sexual/romantic partner is over, but you have a new relationship with him: co-parents to your DD. WHile my situation is not like yours in that DS dad and I were longstanding friends when I got PG (we had dated each other briefly about 15 years before that), we are now DS's co-parents, and that is an outcome I would recommend aiming for to anyone who is not with the other parent of their DC. CO-parents is kind of like cousins in the way you relate to each other: there's no sexual element there and you are aware that at times you can drive each other demented, but at bottom is this awareness that, like it or not, you are family because you have DC in common.
I do understand that it's going to take time before you can really feel like that about an XP who has hurt you but (as with other things) if you acti in the way you want to feel, it can help you towards feeling that way. Best of luck.

Pingu, I am in a very similar situation to you. I too have been split up from ex for four months, and he has moved on.

Everyday is a struggle, especially watching him enjoying his new life, and at the same time critisising me for being pathetic and not getting on with things.

I have started counselling as there's no way I can get through this on my own, am just hoping someone independant can help me see the best way forwards

Thanks madamez, lovely post, and to the other posters too.

gordie- totally empathise with you. I really think counselling will help you- I could't afford it so I counselled myself through a wine glass and CONSTANTLY talking/slagging him off to family and friends. (see I'm not that reasonable )
You will get there- thats what everyone keeps telling me, and so I have to believe it will happen.

Alot of what I said to him tonight wasn't actually true- I was just saying it to him, so that he'd belive it enought to want to drop hostilities.I'm still going to be dealing with alot of issues privately - but for my sake and dd's sake- I'm no longer doing it in front of him. The petty rows we were having over DD etc, were all directly linked to how I resented him, and while I realise this is to be expected- it was just making me feel worse.

The trouble with me, is that I'm a ranty-ravy kinda person, blow up quick, calm down quick - and part of that means that I cant hold a grudge for shit, honestly. One of my best friends at uni once slept with a boyf of mine at the time, and I forgave her the day after. ( I swear! )
I dont know what it is about me- I hate hanging on to anger and not being friends with people I love/care about. I found it awful to be so cold towards the man I once loved so dearly and had a child with, so I figured the only way to get rid of that feeling, was to offer an olive branch, even if its only a 'fake' one.

Well, Pingu, I think that you are an incredible person. I hope that the courage that it took you to speak to your x starts the slow process of healing and maybe, at some future point, you will discover that you have found a way to truly put the past behind you for good and be as happy as you deserve to be. I think you are a much bigger person that I could ever be and that is something to admire. Best wishes to you and your dd (she is the positive that came from the relationship so I guess you can never, ever regret it.) xx

Thanks rantmum

I don't know if I've done the right thing- I've cleared his conscience in a way, haven't I? thats not something I ever wanted to do- I wanted to punish him all the time etc, but its me who suffered when doing that, as it only confirmed his belief that leaving me was the right thing to do after all, and that he didn't care anyway.

Some other posters on here have pointed out that I may also be laying the foundations for him to take the piss, so I need to be careful with that I guess.
Thanks for your input and kind comments

x