Dp argument.... what is this behaviour?!

[sofedupp]

I am sooo annoyed!!!!!

Dp & I rarely fall out, but if we have the smallest of arguments he will vanish, literally leave the room as fast as he can and sleep on the sofa!

Tonight this happened, meanwhile i am left up in our room raging at this behaviour for various reasons.

1. He caused this argument
2. His teen son is over & will now know we're fighting which will get back to his mum & i hate that
3. Its as if he needs to get away from the conflict & he will be ok tomorrow but I've been left feeling shit all night
4. The running away! What is that about??
5. Ruins the day tomorrow as i will certainly not be acting like everything is fine!

The argument reason isn't even what matters (incase people are curious) its just the running away whenever it happens

This is not ok. It's no more ok than you followIng him, and repeatedly demanding that he speak to you. Fair enough if he communicates and says he needs a bit of time / can we talk about it when I'm calmer etc, but taking himself off to sulk though? Pathetic

Is it the raging that causes him to flee? I didn’t ever start arguments with my ex but when he started shouted I’d leave the room. That made him worse, obviously, but flight is as normal a reaction as fight in a stressful situation - even if he started it.

Ruins the day tomorrow as i will certainly not be acting like everything is fine!

You're responsible for your own behaviour so it’s a choice to ruin the day rather than try to communicate in a healthy way as two adults in a relationship.

I’m not saying he’s behaving well but you’re already anticipating acting in a way which ruins a day for your family and that’s not okay. I’m not saying you suck it up if he carries on being a knob, or that sweeping things under the rug is healthy behaviour. But between you you need to work on strategies to deal with conflict and try not to take other people down with you.

Oh that would be understandable, but it was so tame!

Ok i may have told him what a dick he was being once but that was the extent of it, no shouting etc, no back and forth.

No valid reason to go off like that! Its almost as if he does it because then im in the wrong. He has left as he is upset therefore im the bad guy?

I get that completely, in fact it's adding to why i'm upset. I feel like I have to always suck it up the next day for the families sake but this time why should I have to?

He is the one making this way bigger than it needs to be, making me feel like crap, why should i have to be the bigger person.

No valid reason to go off like that! Its almost as if he does it because then im in the wrong. He has left as he is upset therefore im the bad guy?

Bingo. It’s manipulation by him.

What was his upbringing like? My dad couldn't deal with even the most tame argument because of his parents' rows (and his dad regularly walking out and disappearing for days at a time) in his childhood. No matter how insignificant it seemed to the rest of the family, it was a trauma response.

Maybe he doesn’t like conflict so deals with it by walking away from the situation?

My DH is like that, and it drives me nuts. I know it’s because he’s a sensitive soul and gets really upset if we argue, but it makes me more angry than I would have been if we just finish arguing about whatever the issue was!

Did you dad also start the arguments, like the OP’s husband?

Depends on your definition of starting an argument I guess. Didn't go looking for one but likely on occasion to have said something that would piss someone else off or countered their viewpoint in a discussion. Could be stubborn and unreasonable at times, and sometimes wanted his word to be law, which is going to create conflict. Poked the bear a few times when I was a hormonal teenager and it would have been sensible to have left things alone, then played his 'I can't deal with rows' card. So yeah. He didn't come home thinking 'Yay, let's have a barney,' but he certainly wasn't meek and avoidant.

My OH does this. He hates arguing and just takes himself off upstairs, he thinks it will give us time to calm down, but it does the opposite, with me because I like to have a row, get the grievances out, clear the air and get it over and done with. When he reappears he acts like nothing has happened, but I'm usually still seething and start it off again 😂. I need proper closure on an argument.

I don't think there's anything wrong with leaving a room if there's an argument. I do it. It helps to calm down, and not say hurtful things in the spur of the moment, that you don't actually mean. I like to be able to calm down overnight and then me and my DH are able to communicate effectively the next day about whatever the issue at hand is - it helps us to be able to focus on that rather than score points in an argument.

I would explain to him that running away from minor conflict really doesn't set a good example to his son.

A balanced human being should be able to deal with disagreement, sometimes firmly, never aggressively, in a balanced way and face up to the situation at hand. Once resolved even if it to agree to disagree, no one should be moping or hiding or endless apologizing.

Honestly I would tell him he is an utter wimp/wet blanket.

And go out tomorrow for a couple of hours in the sunshine with a book and ice pop or two, just to recharge if you have to put on a fake face.

Also I would try and not care what the ex may or may not think sounds like she takes up too much of your headspace as well.

Oh I'm like this OP.
I realllly want my own space after an argument. I want to sleep alone.

DP though hates it so I've stopped doing that. I know it'll upset him if I camp out and leave him in the room, so I don't do it anymore.

I get your OP's reasoning BUT I don't think he's considering your feelings. Like his actions are making you upset and he doesn't care.

Is it after the argument is over and resolved, or midway through? And then the next day he pretends it’s all resolved but actually the cause is still there but because you’ve been sleeping apart and it’s a new day, he’s able to just sweep it under the carpet?

My now husband used to do this. We actually made a contract (don't laugh) of dos and donts to live by. One was never to go to sleep on an argument. Get away from each other , yes, and very necessary but then sort it out. Doesnt happen anymore. Hopefully a chat when things have calmed down will sort it out

But he isn't making it bigger than it is. He's leaving the room because he can't cope with or doesn't want to fight.

You are the one who 'ruins the following day'.

what is his background. I grew up in a house where my parents fought constantly. Nasty, long lived, vindictive, sometime violent. Now I hate arguments. I have a sibling who would rather resign her job than argue with anyone. She just cannot cope with conflict.

Perhaps he feels the same way. You can't force someone to fight. You don't sound very well suited.

Honestly, I can’t be arsed with arguments. A consecutive discussion, is fine. But not an argument.

If it turns into an argument I will leave. It’s not manipulation. Or trying to make the other feel bad. But why should I stay in a situation that I am unhappy with, so the other person can rage and not feel bad.

I have explained that to dp. I refuse to stay in the situation so he doesn’t feel bad. I don’t have to prioritise his wants over mine. He understands this and we try to keep disagreements to discussions. Then no one feels bad. But even if it is an argument we make sure it’s resolved later.

Its all well and good saying he started it, but I expect he feels you did.

You need to find a way you can compromise and some of that maybe you addressing why, when you can’t carry in the argument you rage and feel bad for ages.

Honestly I would tell him he is an utter wimp/wet blanket.

Ugh, how toxic of you.

Some people just don't like an argument. And don't take insults lightly in the spirit of the argument. Have you ever asked him why he absents himself from these situations? I love a good old argument but I also like to use it to seek resolution so I kind of get where you are coming from but I've had to come to accept that not everyone likes to fight back in the same way.

If someone doesn't like an argument then why start it?

If your partner's behaviour winds you up so much to the point you'll be creating an atmosphere the next day then is there any point in the relationship? Feel sorry for any kids in the house me.

I have separated a month ago from my ex and he had so many awful qualities that I feel I can say I experienced pretty much everything I see on this board. My ex would scream. Shout. Walk out. Kick me out. He would do anything so I couldn't talk. If I questioned him he'd explode.

Ask yourself if his reactions extreme for the conversation? Or is his reaction anxiety and reaction to someone he's been with before? Perhaps he's used to drama and this is what he's used to.

But what u strongly suggest and what I'd do in your shoes is, I would make a cuppa and sit down and say.

"Look Lee, we need to discuss a better way for communication. In the future if you need ten minutes to go cool off. I feel you should go and make a drink/ gave a fag/ go outside for 5 minutes etc. Then we need to be able to talk with respect and sort it.

I remember saying to my ex to go have a fag and calm down then you can ring me back or talk. In his case it was the subjects we were discussing he didn't like so it came up on and off. He was abit of a flirt but also hurting Me by messaging his Ex. In the end we couldn't agree and it was best we moved on..

I hope in your case it can be sorted.

The thing is I'm totally happy for him to leave for a bit if he needs space but its the not communicating this and leaving it all night that annoys me.

I have asked him before why he does it he says he doesn't know but he isn't the best communicator. Neither am i. I guess.

I don't even want the big fireworks etc after an argument i just want it sorted so we can move on.

It's now the next day and i'm dreading it already

That's what I mean. You need to put some boundaries in place and then monitor his behaviour over the next 6 months or something.. if he's upset allow him some time to go breathe and tell him he has to then come back to the conversation. But tell him something needs to change as you don't want this long term. If he won't change then he's not listening to your needs.

My OH is like this... if we have an argument then that's it, he doesn't want to discuss or talk about ways to resolve the issue. He's shits down, refuses to speak, will also take himself away and I'm left utterly miffed and pissed off. It generally makes me feel worse and if we could of talked for a few minutes, issues would be resolved. He then wakes up next day normal and fine and I'm still raging by his reaction!