Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it worth finding out why you've been excluded from a friendship group or is it not worth it?

31 replies

ToooOldForThis · 13/05/2022 22:30

Just as the title says really...used to be in a group of work friends who did the occasional get together with kids etc out of work...I've now been sidelined and they're doing stuff without me.
I am obviously hurt and miss the company, but I'm an adult and need to just get on with it. Although I do feel incredibly sorry for my dd who used to really enjoy it and gets on well with their kids...I don't really know what to say to her when she asks.
Anyway, is it ever worth finding out what I've done wrong? Or is that a can of worms best left unopened?

OP posts:
autienotnaughty · 13/05/2022 22:48

Have you tried to organise anything? Could see if they come and it may kick start things (assuming you want to) If not I probably wouldn't say anything. It's unlikely you would get an honest answer anyway. People suck at times.

Original poster
ToooOldForThis · 13/05/2022 22:53

Thank you for replying...yes I have tried, they weren't interested 😒. And I don't feel confident enough to try again now. I know I just need to accept it, it's just feeling rejected I suppose, wondering what I did wrong.

OP posts:
coodawoodashooda · 13/05/2022 22:55

I think that if you open the can of worms you can't unopen them when the group gets fed up with each other and seeks you out again

1Week · 13/05/2022 22:59

Leave it I think.
Nothing to be gained. Only a faint hope that your curiosity will be satisfied, but at a cost to your dignity.

Original poster
ToooOldForThis · 13/05/2022 23:00

Good point, I hadn't thought of that @coodawoodashooda ..altho I can't see us being sought out to be honest. I just think whatever I'm imagining in my head is (hopefully) worse than the real reasons. But it might not be!

OP posts:
coodawoodashooda · 13/05/2022 23:05

ToooOldForThis · 13/05/2022 23:00

Good point, I hadn't thought of that @coodawoodashooda ..altho I can't see us being sought out to be honest. I just think whatever I'm imagining in my head is (hopefully) worse than the real reasons. But it might not be!

Yes but if you leave it then you can be very relaxed about future interactions. If you say something there will never not be a sting in their/your tail, depending on how it plays out. You can't control how that were to happen. At the moment you are squeaky clean and they are the arseholes. Don't trade your peace of mind for 1 minute of getting to say your 'truth'.

Rainbowqueeen · 14/05/2022 06:28

You probably wouldn’t get the truth and they would just use the fact that you tried as something to gossip about.

But in my experience it’s probably not you. 💐

autienotnaughty · 14/05/2022 06:35

Yeah the reason is probably not personal about you, if it was something you did you would probably know.

Velvian · 14/05/2022 06:52

I once emailed a friend to ask why they were blanking me, as it was driving me crazy trying to work out what I had done. The reason he gave was so odd (to me) that any guilt and worry disappeared.

We agreed to put it behind us, but I haven't been able to. I could not feel friendly towards him or 'safe' socially since.

catandcoffee · 14/05/2022 09:48

Do you all still work together ?
you mention children and all getting together, any chance the children don't get on together ?

Original poster
ToooOldForThis · 14/05/2022 10:16

We do all still work together
My first thought was the children tbh, and I did actually ask about that a while ago...was worried mine had done something! I did feel able to ask about that, as I'd always want to know about behaviour issues etc,
but I was assured (and it seemed really genuine) that everything was ok in that department. And I do believe it as the particular dc that was mixing is my well behaved oneGrin
I'm glad that it wasn't that...but unfortunately that just means it's me, and that makes me feel so bad for my own dc as she misses the friendship!

OP posts:
MermaidSwimming · 14/05/2022 10:21

I had this, I chose to never ask why as I think it would only have made me feel worse. I cannot think of anything I said or did that would mean they didn't want to include me

Resilience9to5 · 14/05/2022 10:26

No I don't think it's worth it.
I've been ''wendied'' by a relative believe it or not and ''wendied'' by a woman at work and both behaved in similar ways although they'd never met each other. Fawning over others around us in my presence and letting me experience the contrast between how warm they were to others and how cold they were to me.

It's always about them. I mean, friendships ebb and flow and you can feel that but when somebody is trying to get rid of you it's because you're a threat to them.

Either not high enough status to validate them, but low enough status for your association to reflect badly on the group!!! The group only has room for one low status person, them and you threaten that. That is how they see it I think.

I am a very ordinary person but i can connect with people and that has really threatened a few vacuums along the way.

I have had to learn how not to trigger their fight/fawn response.

Schulte · 14/05/2022 10:31

See I wouldn’t be able to let something like that rest. I would want to know. Is there one person in that group that you are closer to? Could you go for a coffee with that one person? Not to ask directly, but perhaps something would be mentioned?

And I’m sorry this has happened to you, it’s not nice 💐

pictish · 14/05/2022 10:33

Aw I feel for you. I have sometimes been left on the peripheral of social groups. I find that queen bees don’t tend to like me much. I’m not a follower or fawner but I’m always enthusiastic and friendly by nature. Good friends don’t typically come in a handy multi-pack. The queen bee(s) will usually determine who’s in or out while the rest will opt for whatever maintains the higher social status.

rnsaslkih · 14/05/2022 10:37

Even if you ask, you will probably get fobbed off with a bullshit reason.

I would accept that they have sidelined you and consider it their loss. OK your dd enjoyed their company but is she school age? She'll make friends at school and it will be fine. If your dd is little (like 3) then you could just tell her they are busy. It isn't a lie and after a little while, she'll just think they are busy, they'll be phased out of her brain and she'll get on with her school friends.

I would google a random list of why people sideline others and just make sure you are not doing anything accidentally antisocial. It may be that it's nothing to do with you and could be jealousy - so their issue, not yours.

sessell · 14/05/2022 10:44

You now know those people are not your friends. But you have to work with them. I'd keep it strictly professional. Frankly you don't need the hassle of feeling awkward. Just recalibrate your mind. Colleagues, not friends. It leaves mental space for more genuine people in your life. Why? Could be any number of things but most likely very vague and mildly petty. Happened to me and it was jealousy - I'd been commended, won an award. They'd never have admitted it, if I'd asked they would have made it my problem. You don't need that. It hurts, but the truth is you're too good for petty mean girls and your daughter has lots of opportunities for other friendships too.

Original poster
ToooOldForThis · 14/05/2022 11:03

Thank you, you are all wise and correct, I'm just still raw and feeling dumped! DD is old enough to ask questions but also hopefully also young enough to have a short memory. She has other nice friends too.
I've just had my confidence knocked, but worse things happen!

OP posts:
lemongreentea · 14/05/2022 11:05

These work people are not your friends and I wouldnt bother asking. Sorry must be painful.

mycatisannoying · 14/05/2022 11:07

That's really tough OP, and I'm sorry it has happened to you.

Original poster
ToooOldForThis · 14/05/2022 17:37

Thank you! I'm surprised how much it has bothered me...I will actually miss the get togethers.

OP posts:
coodawoodashooda · 14/05/2022 17:43

pictish · 14/05/2022 10:33

Aw I feel for you. I have sometimes been left on the peripheral of social groups. I find that queen bees don’t tend to like me much. I’m not a follower or fawner but I’m always enthusiastic and friendly by nature. Good friends don’t typically come in a handy multi-pack. The queen bee(s) will usually determine who’s in or out while the rest will opt for whatever maintains the higher social status.

Omg that's my problem too.

Original poster
ToooOldForThis · 14/05/2022 20:26

Do you guys find you don't make connections as quickly as other people? I have posted about this before...within friend groups I think we're all on the same kind of terms...then it turns out the other ones have all these other connections established...just random things like oh we like the same sport so we're going to watch x together...oh I was chatting to her brother when they came to round to borrow this thing...oh I'm just going to watch the kids for her so she can get to the hairdresser...how do they get so involved so quickly?

OP posts:
Mary46 · 14/05/2022 20:58

Op thats really hurtful. I find women can be lousy. I remember a siblings photo online a charity run. I wasnt included god I was so hurt. And this was family!!! I have grown a thick skin now

coodawoodashooda · 14/05/2022 23:20

ToooOldForThis · 14/05/2022 17:37

Thank you! I'm surprised how much it has bothered me...I will actually miss the get togethers.

I had a similar situation a few years ago. It is hurtful op.

Swipe left for the next trending thread