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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My bf just lied straight to my face

55 replies

cordialqueenS · 13/05/2022 19:53

It wasn't anything hugely sinister but I'm shocked at the easy way he could lie and then get defensive as of his behaviour was somewhat acceptable.

He tried to convince me that he's told me something related before .

He walked himself into the truth.

He is not apologetic for disappointing me.
It's not a huge lie, he's trying to protect himself knowing that I am disappointed but still.
Would you dump?

OP posts:
JuneJuly · 13/05/2022 21:02

Nobody needs to right wrongs of a relationship that ended 5 years previously, if they've moved on and are currently happy.

He saw her, remembered things through rose-tinted specs and obviously felt the need for further contact. He probably mentioned you and your relationship to send a message that he is now capable of having a nice relationship, to give her the sense of missing out & perhaps to make her feel jealous or have pangs of regret at not being with him herself.

As well as the lie, what would make me wonder about his intentions is the fact that the email was just not necessary in the first place.

Original poster
cordialqueenS · 13/05/2022 22:10

I've just broken up with him via text . I agree , no need

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 13/05/2022 22:13

cordialqueenS · 13/05/2022 22:10

I've just broken up with him via text . I agree , no need

Excellent decision and very well done. Don't ever tolerate this bullshit.

Summerholidayorcovidagain · 13/05/2022 22:15

I ended my marriage by text. No regrets. I was too fuming to wait until I got home from work so told him to be gone before I got in!! Never seen him whatsoever in 10 years now!!

springbreak22 · 13/05/2022 22:51

How did you find out?

JuneJuly · 14/05/2022 05:55

Aquamarine1029 · 13/05/2022 22:13

Excellent decision and very well done. Don't ever tolerate this bullshit.

Show quote history

Seconded, good for you OP x

ItWillBeOkHonestly · 14/05/2022 07:01

I think that if a person is capable of lying about the small stuff, they can lie about the big stuff too.

Years ago, I went out with a guy who (later) turned out to be a pathological liar. On one of first dates we did some shopping and he had to return some kind of TV cable to a shop. I watched him explain to the cashier he didn't have a receipt and could he just get a refund. Cashier wasn't totally happy but in the end he got his money back. As we left he told me he'd never ever bought the cable from that shop! He'd bought it at another independent shop in the next town over but couldn't be bothered to drive that far!! I was horrified at how easily he lied to the woman and I pointed out that this was actually stealing. He didn't think it was as the cable was in new condition and they'd be able to sell it.

Stupidly, I let this one go and then a few months later we were going to his parents' house for lunch and we left late so ended up arriving later. When his mother asked where we'd been, he tells her this whole story about getting stuck behind a tractor....which of course wasn't true. He did these things so effortlessly and though they seemed small, they pointed toward a much bigger problem. We were together for several years but he cheated on me 3 times during that period (though I didn't know it at the time).

I'd be wary of anyone who can lie so easily, even if it's 'small stuff'.

Strawberrydelight55 · 14/05/2022 07:50

My boyfriend ruined us because he couldn't find healthy boundaries with his ex. It was very much I will not give up her for you. She's a friend now and she was good to me. But I wasn't asking him to not say hi to her. I was asking him to stop because she was making it very clear she still wanted to own a bond. She still felt she had more right to him than I did. She was rude. Jealous and disrespectful towards our relationship. But my ex was either enjoying having two girls watching eachother or he just simply wasn't over that and didn't know how to give her up. It hurt.

In your case sounds like he is protecting you so that his ex doesn't affect you. That's actually quite sweet. Not only did he positively talk about you. He just felt he didn't want you worrying because it really meant nothing. That's actually lying to not give you un needed worry.

I would have given anything to see my ex putting me first and acting maturely towards it all. I'd day forgive him. He probably was sweating about you getting the wrong end of the stick.

girlmom21 · 14/05/2022 07:51

cordialqueenS · 13/05/2022 20:13

@girlmom21 even if it was five years ago? I have firm for losing the head over the most minor things so I know that this is part of it

Yeah because he's still lying about talking to her. You don't lie about things like that if there's nothing in it.

girlmom21 · 14/05/2022 07:52

Sorry I just saw your update. I think it's for the best. Hope you're ok x

Strawberrydelight55 · 14/05/2022 07:54

Hold on I've just read your further reply.

It does seem abit sneaky actually. I wouldn't like that. No reason to be contacting her. Wanting to see an Ex again is not good.

Like I've just said in my post. My ex wasn't over the ex. He did the big act and blamed her for certain stuff. He was white bitter about her. Yet I'd heard from outside sources that he wouldn't ever get over her and I now see it.

Even though I'm hurt and I feel like she won. I also think let them get on with it. They couldn't make it work before and it won't work now. But they are clinging.

Hope you are ok

Original poster
cordialqueenS · 14/05/2022 10:25

She told my sisters friend that he had emailed and she thought nothing of it.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 14/05/2022 10:36

Suggesting a coffee with an ex - nah, not on.

Suggesting a coffee with someone who he had a 'toxic relationship' with-what the actual feck?!

Wouldn't be surprised if he has prior form for twisting the truth tbh. It wouldn't sit right with me.

EvilPea · 14/05/2022 10:40

Who told you it was a toxic relationship?

EvilPea · 14/05/2022 10:40

You’ve done the right thing by the way.
your senses are going off for good reason

Nanny0gg · 14/05/2022 10:42

cordialqueenS · 13/05/2022 20:10

Ya it's the respect thing. I'm very Icked out right now

Was he expecting grief from you about the contact?

Original poster
cordialqueenS · 14/05/2022 10:45

I know it was toxic from him and from sisters friend. It was well known in circles.
He knew I would hit the roof.
He sent me the messages to prove that they are innocent. They are but I'm still mad as hell

OP posts:
EmotionBot9to5 · 14/05/2022 10:48

with more detail it's tougher. Things to do with ex's are tricky.
I wouldn't feel I OWED a current partner the word for word content of an email with an x.

In his shoes I think he should have more confidently said that the email was private but that he's happy with you and he said nothing in his email that would give her any other impression.

Original poster
cordialqueenS · 14/05/2022 10:53

He is doing everything in his power right now to convince me he loves me sooooo much and he messaged her because he had seen her some weeks back looking miserable.
Pretty sure when she slapped him and controlled him towards the end of their relationship , he wasn't looking to meet for a coffee.

OP posts:
Campervangirl · 14/05/2022 10:53

JuneJuly · 13/05/2022 21:02

Nobody needs to right wrongs of a relationship that ended 5 years previously, if they've moved on and are currently happy.

He saw her, remembered things through rose-tinted specs and obviously felt the need for further contact. He probably mentioned you and your relationship to send a message that he is now capable of having a nice relationship, to give her the sense of missing out & perhaps to make her feel jealous or have pangs of regret at not being with him herself.

As well as the lie, what would make me wonder about his intentions is the fact that the email was just not necessary in the first place.

Absolutely this, couldn't put it better myself

Original poster
cordialqueenS · 14/05/2022 10:53

He has zero self respect.

OP posts:
Original poster
cordialqueenS · 14/05/2022 10:54

And zero respect for me either

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 14/05/2022 11:01

Best case scenario, he isn't over her or suffers from some codependency issues where he still wants closure or to be liked by her. And you can't have a relationship with someone with those issues.

Worst case scenario, he was the toxic one in their relationship but makes out it was her or a 'them' issue. As such, when he saw a potential window, he naturally tried for a leg over again.

Either way, best in the bin with him.

EmotionBot9to5 · 14/05/2022 11:04

I agree with @JuneJuly I had some relationships that ended very badly and I needed to know why they had done stuff and wanted them, neeeeeded them to understand what I had meant, what I'd made clear and how they'd let me down.

But after five years, you know that none of it matters anymore. So the tying up loose ends is something that can help in the more immediate aftermath of a breakup. i never meant to undermine you etc..... 5 years later?! You don't care what he inteneded.

knittingaddict · 14/05/2022 11:06

cordialqueenS · 13/05/2022 20:24

Even when he spoke about us being together etc

Managing her expectations?

I would dump.

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