Keep ending all old friendships, clients, angry at everyone, what is up?

[puppetcat]

Not sure if this is the right place but wasn't really sure where to post. I'm a LP and don't have a lot of support (useless ex, no local family) and am really struggling to hold it together at the moment.

I've been really hurt by some family stuff and feel like cutting some of the small family I have off. (Unable to talk about it with them just feel very abandoned, it's a complex situataion). Old friends are drifting apart, male friends have become super sexist / misogynistic, female friends are no longer local nor have time for me, and I don't fit in with my career type people any more. Not able to express myself at work, fed up of working for everyone else's benefit!! Things I want to do but no time to do it. Fed up of my job, clients etc. I do have a few people I see once in a while, but I am cutting old friends / people off left right and center for old hurts, and am confused if it's a compulsive behaviour or if it's necessary because they are toxic or if it's some kind of midlife crisis or even a reaction to the last 10 years which have in some ways been a massive shit show I have been dealing with single handedly without support?

Does anyone relate to this? Words of advice? thanks :)

You sound exhausted, like you've run out of energy from dealing with everything that's happened. It might be that you're cutting people for good reason but it might be the case that at least one of those individuals might be good for you? It's hard to make informed decisions when we're exhausted. The emotional response kicks in instead doesn't it?

Ask your GP to test your thyroid. They should do whole blood screening at the same time.

This absolutely resonates with me. No answers though I’m afraid. Although I agree with PP - perhaps burn out?

PMS? (Keep a diary... If 'vowed never to speak to...' comes up roughly the same number of days before or after your period...well).

Poor role models when you were a kid? Were your parents shit at dealing with differences of opinion or setting boundaries?

Sounds like you need a positive target you can really commit to - new job, new qualification, something where you can make a plan, do the work, achieve your goal. It's amazing the confidence that brings, and that spills over generally into more positive relations.

I know that when I hit peri menopause I just couldn't be ARSED with half the folk I used to know and let quite a few contacts/casual friendships go. I'm lucky that I have a few close friends who are long term to talk to though. Could it be the start of peri/menopause for you OP? The emotional stuff can begin well before any changes to your periods!

I was going to say peri menopause.

peri was my thought. I felt a bit like this and started HRT - it definitely helped and I’m getting towards feeling like me again

Totally relate. Seeing how people responded when I was nursing my mother through her final illness and after she died and I was left trying to support my step dad by myself (against a long background of difficult relationship there), I have really downsized. I am not going to lie, it can feel really lonely. But it really made me realize how many relationships were not truly reciprocal, and I decided I would rather clear house than waste my energy on people who proved they are not really worth it. Try not to completely burn bridges, because there are a few people I have thawed to a little. People where I can see my issues where triggering for them. But the others - I think it was the right choice.

thanks everyone. Appreciate the feedback. I don't think it's hormonal necessarily although I guess it could be a bit of peri! Does that make you less tolerant to bullshit (I think I read somewhere about lower estrogen = less compliant!?). So yep I suppose a possibility. But in the bigger scheme of things I think I am just massively fed up and also quite pissed off with everyone and everything.

I also wonder if I feel really like a square peg in a round hole not made for this world. I'm quite emotional and analyse interactions a lot (as you can appreciate as a LP I spend a lot of time on my own and work from home which prob doesn't do the best for my MH). Within my career I've not felt comfortable for years and hate corporate bullshit and politics. I've successfully kept all this to a minimum over the years but occasionally it comes and rears its head and I get really upset and just want to fuck everything off. Especially as I'm in a sideline career and not doing what I want to be doing.

I feel like I'm going mad and harbouring a lot of resentment and just hoping I can come through it without destroying everything.

I am in exactly the same position OP. I'm 99% sure I'm peri (I'm 40) and I've really struggled. I've shut my Facebook and haven't been responding to messages from friends or wanting to go out. I own a business and have taken to working from home rather than at work as I just can't cope with people. You are not alone!

@AngelinaFangelina hope that you're doing ok. Maybe we've just essentially changed! problem is I don't want to end up feeling completely lonely in the future. Hard, my standards have risen a lot for others' behaviours and I wonder if I am just intolerant, or if it's better boundaries. A bit confusing!

Same here.
The only difference is I would rather be lonely than have (in my case) emotional leaches and users as 'friends.'

I think you’ve just got no tolerance for bullshit and wankery any more. No patience for the social facade or for making space for people who’ve not made space for you, or worse, who’ve actually behaved badly.

Perimenopause could definitely be contributing, but I think many women in current society reach a point after years of being expected to be all things to all people all the time where it all starts to wear a bit thin.

Me too. I've lost my tolerance for BS, misogyny and flakery (if that's a word) so I'm ditching people left, right and centre.

I'd rather be home alone with my cat if it comes to that.

Hi op I wonder are we just not taking as much crap now!! Im close to 50 have let few friends go. I havent same energy. They were flaky too no contact always me driving and arranging. Im not as tolerant now ha. Know what u mean!

Wow thought it was only me feeling this way. Is it a post Covid 'thing'? I am culling many people right now. I realised many relationships were one sided. I spent the first year of Covid reaching out and checking in with others (which tbh is generally what I always do). By the second year I realised very few people were checking in on me. I stopped. Didn't hear from several people for over a year. In the last couple of weeks people have been in contact to ask me to write their references, to fish for gossip... not even a how are you?
I'm distancing myself from everyone, not replying, not making effort but not making enemies either.

You will be alright - this feeing will end and a new calmer chapter will begin.

Shit that comes up pre period is the real deal. The rest of the time it's hidden and tolerated.

Read Dr Christianne Northrup.

And look, so many of us right? So it's not us. It's the way we are made to work. Bullshitting ourselves to stay in our boxes stops working, and that's necessary for our happiness.

Time to make some changes, op. Your job for a start perhaps?

I'd say peri too. I told a few people a few things during this phrase ie you're a crap friend etc. Now I'm through it I don't even bother caring . Would rather be on my own than have to listen to people's crap all the time. Estrogen gone along with caring about anyone or anything save for immediate family. Its quite freeing and I've relished it but whatever it is and it's affecting you might he worth seeing gp and getting tested for hormones thyroid depression etc also agree with pp that covid probably didn't help.

How did your relationship end? Is there complex trauma that you're in the process of getting over?

I found /am still finding that early on in your healing process your response to trauma is to just endure endure endure (for survival) but then, with some distance, you heal a bit, you feel triggered by the lack of consideration, being ordered to think of somebody's feelings when they rode roughshod over yours. You feel safe enough to express anger!

The menopause explanation makes me roll my eyes. I'm 52 and I know that although I must be going through it, it's my parents total lack of comprehension that I'm a 3 d person that has made me feel aggrieved. I'm a part to them. They wrote the part. I must play the part they wrote. No room for anything they didn't put in. It is accept our narrative or you're mad. It's accept (and respect ) our right to label you paranoid for over 35 years. Or, we will know that you're mad. Who wouldn't have a reaction to that. Very convenient for all to write that off as menopause.

They probably think what people on this thread are suggesting. Couldn't possibly be that people with no self-awareness and no sensitivity or regard for you triggered you?

I'm trying to learn to be less reactive to the triggers though. Self compassion has been proven to help with that. Have done a work book and all the exercises and I think it has helped. although I failed to control my irritation with somebody at work recently. They were being very demanding though. I think the first person in any interaction to be rude/demanding gets away with it though because it only becomes a hostility if the other person cannot remain calm. I'm never the instigator but I suppose I look like I'm aggressive. it's unfair.

OP I feel exactly the same, like a previous poster, the menopause thing makes me roll my eyes.

I[m 51 and have been on HRT for 7 years. I went through the menopause at 43. It is not that.

People are bloody incredibly selfish. Like you, I am on my own, completely and so feel I have to put up with the small contact I have from everyone, but they seem to smell this and treat me with disrespect.

Im done with the lot of them except one very kind male friend.

You are not alone.

@EmotionBot9to5 agree with you 100%

@AdriftAbroad1 yes, it's so much more than that! I know this thread isn't about me, but it's a relief that other people don't rush in with the low oestrogen theory.

I've had two years of therapy (stopped before xmas 2021 though) and at no point did my therapist ever suggest that my very hurt reaction to the mute compliance that was expected from me by my parents was hormonal!

Like the OP of this thread I'm a single parent working full time and it hasn't been easy. Because my mother couldn't communicate and because there was one perspective' hers and because she never heard me saw me validated me or cared who I really was, I ended up with a man like that two. Hence single parent now. So I'm wondering if OP has any feelings around the type of man she chose.

I do not hate my x (he hates me though) I hate that I was in such a vulnerable place that I was drawn to him, unable to reject him. That's what I hate.

It takes a lot of unravelling though. Mostly I just go to work and come home and make dinner and rinse and repeat and rinse and repeat. And we're ok. We're doing ok. We do laugh at home. compared to three quarter's of the world's population we're so fortunate but I know it's human nature to compare yourself to your friends and neighbours and sometimes I do wonder, where would i be if I hadn't had my sense of myself ERODED completely so my parents wouldn't have to sit with an uncomfortable thought for 10 seconds. Ever.

But this could be pure projection! OP might have chosen her x from a really healthy place.

Well I definitely chose my ex husband because of my parents!

I am stuck in his country now, until DD is at least 18.

You sound as if you can communicate perfectly to me! @EmotionBot9to5 😄

I think its life experience, so when you hit 50 people are either privately or openly, thinking "menopause". It is very annoying.

Relate

im a Single mum and handling an sen child

as you asked for advice here where I am at

(0) sounds like a lot going on and you are reacting . Could you turn everything off and focus on yourself a bit and slow down the interactions with stressful people

(1) the basics of healthy food , sleep and exercise are critical. If you are missing any of these might to time to develop new practices

(2) what are you doing for self care ? If the answer is nothing - then you arnt looking after yourself . There has to be some joy in your life

i don’t think you can handle any of the issues without getting yourself into a calmer
medium .

out another way any reactions you have the the forces and people when in a stressed space might not be great

I know this sounds like self care wank

but it works

fuck them
focus on you and getting yourself and your batteries charged as that will help you feel better and have a clearer perspective

I don’t think it’s peri, meno , anything

it’s just growing up ! And getting wiser

but as PP
said handling how we react is critical

when I’m tried , stressed , sad Etc

my reactions suck