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Original poster

Would you continue with this?

60 replies

Fairygardenpruning · 13/05/2022 15:23

Been with DP for 11 years.

Live in a rented house with my 2 dc

DP also has 2 dc, DSS in 20's who left home recently,
DSD still lives with mum and just turned 18. DP's ex still lives in the family home. When they separated (before I met DP) DP agreed to pay the mortgage in full until the youngest turned 18 or left further education, I was aware of this and accepted this, our tenancy is in my name only as until their house is sold or exDW able to take on mortgage I wanted to have that security. I pay the rent.

I accepted this as part and parcel of the relationship with the knowledge (discussed with DP) that this year it would be over and we would have over £1000 a month more that we could then put towards our own place. However DSD has missed a lot of college due to illness, she has been really poorly and it is great that she is now well enough to attend. However she is having to restart, her illness means that she has to change her course and start again next September.

I have asked DP to clarify with his exDW what she is expecting as far as the mortgage is concerned. I presume that she is expecting us to continue paying for the next 2 years as DSD will still be at college but at current rates that will be an additional 24k going out. And all talk is that rates are only going to increase so potentially far more.

Additionally I know that exDW is in no position to buy the house or take over payments, or even half the mortgage. She has recently entered a DMP so there is no way that she can get a mortgage. They are also unable to remortgage because of this.

What would you do? I can't go back in time and change my decision to go ahead with the relationship knowing this, DP doesn't seem to see an issue but he hasn't gone without and owns a house. I don't and while we had planned that we may be able to get our own house in the next couple of years this won't happen as it stands. In fact I can't see it happening ever anymore, exDW will not be able to afford anything on her own. I seem to have facilitated this without meaning to, by my acceptance of it without ensuring that the end would be the end. This was my choice but it was made in the belief that there was an end.

The thought of paying more scares me. DP can only just manage the payment as it stands. He seems to be reluctant to discuss this with his exDW (who is a great mum but DP does all communication), he likes an easy life and is getting one. I'm not! And I am now in the position of resenting this, all conversations with DP end with him not doing anything and hoping, I presume, that I will be happy carrying on as is. I'm not!

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 13/05/2022 15:28

So at the moment he's living rent-free while paying his own mortgage, but if you split up, that wouldn't benefit you at all?

How much he contribute towards bills and food? What other costs are involved because you are with him?

Does his ex work?

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 13/05/2022 15:28

I can't help OP except that you need to take legal advice on this - sorry.

Original poster
Fairygardenpruning · 13/05/2022 15:33

HollowTalk · 13/05/2022 15:28

So at the moment he's living rent-free while paying his own mortgage, but if you split up, that wouldn't benefit you at all?

How much he contribute towards bills and food? What other costs are involved because you are with him?

Does his ex work?

Pretty much yeah.. it wasn't supposed to be but that is how it has panned out.
All bills are in my name. He does contribute, around half.
His exDW does work part time.

OP posts:
LongDistanceLife · 13/05/2022 15:40

So he’s contributing half to the house you live in as well but you aren’t able to buy because you need a second income to get a mortgage? I don’t think it’s so bad as he is contributing to you home but can understand your frustrations.

How about getting married so that your assets become joint?

Original poster
Fairygardenpruning · 13/05/2022 15:43

LongDistanceLife · 13/05/2022 15:40

So he’s contributing half to the house you live in as well but you aren’t able to buy because you need a second income to get a mortgage? I don’t think it’s so bad as he is contributing to you home but can understand your frustrations.

How about getting married so that your assets become joint?

Sorry...no, I pay the rent myself. He pays half the utilities and CT and will help with food bills when he can.
I work full time, but my income isn't enough for a mortgage on my own. His income isn't enough for 2 mortgages so we can't get a joint mortgage. He has a joint mortgage with exDW but he pays this in full, she pays nothing towards it.

OP posts:
LongDistanceLife · 13/05/2022 15:46

So tricky. Is he who you’d like to grow old with?

pippinsleftleg · 13/05/2022 15:48

What’s the plan when DSD finishes education? Will they sell and he will get a lump sum?

altmember · 13/05/2022 15:56

I can understand your frustration, but it would be rather harsh of him to pull the rug out from under his dd in the circumstances (forget the exw for a moment).

You intentionally kept your tenancy in your own name to protect yourself, and he's paid half of all the other household expenses, yet you appear to feel some entitlement to the equity he's built up in the property he shares with his ex?

If your plan is to buy somewhere together, the do you have savings of your own to put towards the equity he'll get from selling his house?

Harsh as reality is, I expect it'll be very hard for him to force sale on his ex and effectively make her homeless. But from your perspective, should have been planning to buy or whatever by yourself anyway, just a bonus if you're with a partner who to give you more buying power.

The alternative scenario was that youd stayed single and didn't have someone sharing your household expenses for the past 11 years. Despite the rent, he's contributed his fair share and provided for your own children as well.

Or you end it now and throw away an otherwise happy (presumably) relationship, and still be no better off.

flashpaper · 13/05/2022 16:06

What will happen when your stepdaughter comes out of full time education? Will it force a sale? Will exW get half of the equity despite not having paid any of the mortgage for the last 11 years? I have to say, if it were me, I would be pretty annoyed that my DP of 11 years had paid a mortgage and despite splitting living costs (because rent + mortgage + all bills are essentially costs to you both), I would have no claim over a part of a property, but his exW would have half of it despite not contributing.
Are you considering marriage?

Maverick2022 · 13/05/2022 16:24

Sorry...no, I pay the rent myself. He pays half the utilities and CT and will help with food bills when he can.

So you've been subsidising him and, by proxy, his ex and their dd?

He's on a bit of a pig's back, isn't he.

Maverick2022 · 13/05/2022 16:26

Despite the rent, he's contributed his fair share

He hasn't.

He's had free rent and subsidised food.

Maverick2022 · 13/05/2022 16:30

There is no "despite the rent" ... he hasbt paid the accommodation costs that everyone has to pay.

Or rather he's paid them on a property he, his ex, and perhaps his dd will benefit from (and his ex and dd have been benefitting from for years) that op had zero claim on or benefit from ...... until such time he gets his half or whatever and uses it in a way she benefits from.
If and when he does that.

WouldBeGood · 13/05/2022 16:31

You can’t go back in time, but you can say that this can’t continue now. You sound to be as if you’ve been more than reasonable, and his children are now adults.

He and his XW will need to sell the house and split the proceeds, as lots of others have to. Not great, but the reality of divorce.

Maverick2022 · 13/05/2022 16:34

and he's paid half of all the other household expenses, yet you appear to feel some entitlement to the equity he's built up in the property he shares with his ex?

Again, what's with the ignoring his total lack of contribution to the basic and largest accommodation cost where he lives?? Half of all the other expenses ... not including food remember (!) is rather by the by.

He's not paid a mortgage or rent to house himself, op has paid to house him, allowing him to pay to house other people.

What is wrong with ppl on this thread.

Maverick2022 · 13/05/2022 16:41

He's only been able to pay "his" mortgage because he pays no other mortgage or rent, because op pays the rent where he lives.

No fkg wonder op might feel she might entitled to some of his equity, when she's been providing his home for years. What would his costs have been, and how would he hsve paid that mortgage I'd she hadn't hadn't him move in and only pay half the utilities he's using and not even half of the food bills?

As i said, pig's back.

Maverick2022 · 13/05/2022 16:54

*What would his costs have been, and how would he have paid that mortgage if she hadn't let him move in and only pay half the utilities he's using and not even half of the food bills?

Original poster
Fairygardenpruning · 13/05/2022 16:54

altmember · 13/05/2022 15:56

I can understand your frustration, but it would be rather harsh of him to pull the rug out from under his dd in the circumstances (forget the exw for a moment).

You intentionally kept your tenancy in your own name to protect yourself, and he's paid half of all the other household expenses, yet you appear to feel some entitlement to the equity he's built up in the property he shares with his ex?

If your plan is to buy somewhere together, the do you have savings of your own to put towards the equity he'll get from selling his house?

Harsh as reality is, I expect it'll be very hard for him to force sale on his ex and effectively make her homeless. But from your perspective, should have been planning to buy or whatever by yourself anyway, just a bonus if you're with a partner who to give you more buying power.

The alternative scenario was that youd stayed single and didn't have someone sharing your household expenses for the past 11 years. Despite the rent, he's contributed his fair share and provided for your own children as well.

Or you end it now and throw away an otherwise happy (presumably) relationship, and still be no better off.

I have no sense of entitlement to his equity. We have always agreed that any money he brings from his house will be for his children and if we ever bought our own house that money would be ring-fenced for them, with interest from any equity on that percentage also for them.

I was a single mum for years. I had just started my career when I met DP. I have, in effect, prevented myself from being able to purchase a house by supporting him in supporting his ex and his children. I have NO issue with this. I had no support from my kids dad and there is no way I would have allowed the same to happen to her by insisting that the house was sold, I do not expect this to happen even now. I was, however, advised by DP that once the house was sold we as a couple would benefit. My DC have had nothing from him. Our house isn't bigger, we don't have more holidays, fancier cars because of him. I could manage the bills without him.

I don't have savings...when my ex left me he left me with debts that I defaulted on. Over the years I have gradually paid these off and my credit score is slowly improving. My bank would lend to me now..not enough for a house but its a start. So I am now saving. In DP's mind his equity was our savings...albeit to be ring-fenced for his kids which I was happy with.

But it is looking increasingly likely that this will not pan out the way we had planned. I am not a bitch and have not suggested that DP tells exDW that they should be looking at selling. All I have asked is that he finds out if she is expecting him to continue paying the mortgage beyond the official agreed time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fairygardenpruning · 13/05/2022 16:57

Maverick2022 · 13/05/2022 16:30

There is no "despite the rent" ... he hasbt paid the accommodation costs that everyone has to pay.

Or rather he's paid them on a property he, his ex, and perhaps his dd will benefit from (and his ex and dd have been benefitting from for years) that op had zero claim on or benefit from ...... until such time he gets his half or whatever and uses it in a way she benefits from.
If and when he does that.

This, Thank you!

OP posts:
Maverick2022 · 13/05/2022 17:02

No offence but as I see it you've been financially abused by your ex who left you with his debts, abd financially abused by this nan who gas paid a lot less than he'd gave to pay to house himself, or if he paid half a mortgage/rent and half full costs with his next partner.

He's happily/conveniently used you to facilitate paying he and his existing mortgage.

Through haven't had to deal with the financial consequences of divorce, like most normal ppl have to, because you've provided accommodation for him fir the princely sum of half the utilities he's using (and therefore increasing costs of e erything except broadband) and not even half the food.

He/they are kind of users, and you've let them.

Maverick2022 · 13/05/2022 17:04

Sorry about all the typos.

Hopefully that was still comprehensible (if that's a word).

Maverick2022 · 13/05/2022 17:05

*He and his ex's mortgage

*They haven't had to deal with ...

Maharajah20 · 13/05/2022 17:09

Ex wife needs to get a full time job!

Maverick2022 · 13/05/2022 17:27

I had no support from my kids dad and there is no way I would have allowed the same to happen to her by insisting that the house was sold

But that's not the same thing at all.

She wouldn't have had no support from him, just not continued living in their family home. That happens to people every day of the week.

Why and how were you responsible for keeping his ex and dd in their family home, that was between them!

Fk, guys like him see women like you coming.

And I sat that as an insult to him, not you.

DogsAndGin · 13/05/2022 17:40

Get legal advice OP. He has been living rent free which has enabled him to continue to contribute to the mortgage on his house. So he ends up with all the assets and you get left with nothing but a happy landlord.

Maverick2022 · 13/05/2022 17:47

DP can only just manage the payment as it stands.

That must be quite a house/mortgage his ex and dd are living in (and he and his ex are paying off the mortgage on, and gaining equity in) ... given the only thing he pays for in your home together is half utilities, and not even his half of the food bills!

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