Would you continue with this?

[Fairygardenpruning]

Been with DP for 11 years.

Live in a rented house with my 2 dc

DP also has 2 dc, DSS in 20's who left home recently,
DSD still lives with mum and just turned 18. DP's ex still lives in the family home. When they separated (before I met DP) DP agreed to pay the mortgage in full until the youngest turned 18 or left further education, I was aware of this and accepted this, our tenancy is in my name only as until their house is sold or exDW able to take on mortgage I wanted to have that security. I pay the rent.

I accepted this as part and parcel of the relationship with the knowledge (discussed with DP) that this year it would be over and we would have over £1000 a month more that we could then put towards our own place. However DSD has missed a lot of college due to illness, she has been really poorly and it is great that she is now well enough to attend. However she is having to restart, her illness means that she has to change her course and start again next September.

I have asked DP to clarify with his exDW what she is expecting as far as the mortgage is concerned. I presume that she is expecting us to continue paying for the next 2 years as DSD will still be at college but at current rates that will be an additional 24k going out. And all talk is that rates are only going to increase so potentially far more.

Additionally I know that exDW is in no position to buy the house or take over payments, or even half the mortgage. She has recently entered a DMP so there is no way that she can get a mortgage. They are also unable to remortgage because of this.

What would you do? I can't go back in time and change my decision to go ahead with the relationship knowing this, DP doesn't seem to see an issue but he hasn't gone without and owns a house. I don't and while we had planned that we may be able to get our own house in the next couple of years this won't happen as it stands. In fact I can't see it happening ever anymore, exDW will not be able to afford anything on her own. I seem to have facilitated this without meaning to, by my acceptance of it without ensuring that the end would be the end. This was my choice but it was made in the belief that there was an end.

The thought of paying more scares me. DP can only just manage the payment as it stands. He seems to be reluctant to discuss this with his exDW (who is a great mum but DP does all communication), he likes an easy life and is getting one. I'm not! And I am now in the position of resenting this, all conversations with DP end with him not doing anything and hoping, I presume, that I will be happy carrying on as is. I'm not!

The ex wife must surely have known that the gravy train will leave the station eventually. Why hasn't she got a full time job? I would be suggesting now to DP that the house is sold and the equity is split. DXW can then go her own way and support herself

11 years op

11 years

you have been spending money, a lot of
money, on this man. When all that money could have been improving YOUR life and, more importantly, the lives of your children.

more holidays, more savings, more days trip, more treats, more security. I could go on.
but no - he has pocketed it.

make the change NOW

My cousin stayed in full time education until he was 35. The agreement should have been until the end of the academic year following DSD's 18th birthday. I think you are never going to get this sorted. Already she is committed to two more years. Then what? Three years at university followed by post grad qualifications, then a master's and a PhD?

Sounds like now it the time to have a honest and direct conversation. Ask him the plans for the house (is he going to speak to his exDW and find out what she's doing once he stops paying), what kind of future does he see with you (i.e. buying a house together) and go from there.

Find out what his intentions are and then you can make a decision - hang around a bit longer or call it a day.

Why should the house not be sold? Why is the exW not working full time? Surely if the deal was the house gets sold when his daughter was 18, has the exW not been planning on what’re she was going to live.
Id be forcing the sale. If his DD needs somewhere to live, she could live with you or her mum.

Op wake up you have paid the rent have no financial security which marriage would bring when he gets half of the house sale. Why are you not married has you even discussed marriage. Houses are selling for well over the asking price now so he should sell now. Ex wife needs to get a full time job and rent until house prices fall then buy a small place for her and dd.
This would give you a deposit on a house, mean while carrying on renting until the housing market is stabilised

Yep. You have helped his children gain security and inheritance rather than your own children.

Time for a serious talk- equity on his house must be split between the 3 of you (obv with you getting less) or you kick him out and he can go and live in the house that he sees as only his.

If he hadn't met you, what would he have done? He would have needed to pay his own rent, bills and good. But he's able to live with you rent free and contribute a small amount to bills. He's definitely in the best position here! As tough as it is, it is not fair to expect you to wait another 2 years.

You might need to ask DP the question as to why his ExW only works part-time when both her children are adults. You are helping him to support this women.

Just to add, looking at dates it is likely that your relationship has lasted longer than his actual marriage.

However, I believe he has to support his DD until she is 19.