I was very young and very immature and very stupid.
I was 19 almost 20 and working at a building company, and I met this guy, let's call him Steve. He was 29 and he was married. He had been since he was 21. I knew that. I was very messed up for most of my teens and early 20s wrt relationships. He was one of the surveyors and we used to flirt. I was giddy about it and one Friday he asked me out. I went for a drink with him and we snogged in his car. I wrote lots of giddy comments about it in my diary. He had a small son aged about 3 or 4. I was jealous and tried not to think about it.
He was then terrified about being seen. So we used to meet at my house when my parents had gone out. Or when I was babysitting. I slept with Steve and he told me he had fallen in love with me. I was giddy as a kipper. I was jealous of his wife and resentful of him not making a commitment to me. He messed me about for months. Six months later I met someone else my own age. (He is another story) He also messed me about, but Steve didn't like it.
He used to say things to me like I was sweet. He would say "smile for me" if ever I was upset. (upset about him treating me like an option). I was obsessed with songs that reminded me of him and I used to tape the top 40 every Sunday to make me think of him.
That Christmas Steve bought me an expensive jewellery box and some expensive perfume. Whether I was sad or happy depended on what Steve said to me. He walked out on me at the Christmas party. I was so furious I phoned his house and told him to piss off when he answered and slammed it down. On Monday morning he was driving up and down the bottom of my road as I went to work. I was flattered. He must be doing this because he loved me! My diary read like Bridget Jones on acid. I stayed in a lot in the evening just thinking about him.
He asked me to go away with him for a weekend after Christmas. This turned out to be working on a building site 150 miles away and staying in a Travelodge. He left me in the hotel whilst he went to the site and took me to a Harvester for dinner. Then dropped me at home and told me not to tell anyone.
My 21st came around. He told me he had bought me a really good present. It never materialised. He said it was locked in his work filing cabinet. I got someone to break into it and it was empty. Challenged him and he called me a nutcase and a headf**k.
I never felt good enough. I thought if I was good enough then I would have him to myself.
I left the building company. He burst into tears and drove me home on the last day, gave me an expensive fountain pen. He said he loved me.
Six months after that I got married - yes very fast. To yet someone else. Mistake. Steve drove by once when I was at the bus stop. He offered me a lift. He told me I was making a big mistake getting married (he turned out to be right. But that was not what he meant at the time).
He told me that he fell in love very easily. That he was very sensitive and easily hurt. That I had the potential to break his heart. These years later I still wonder what he thought.