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Original poster

Odd to have met a gentleman or not interested.

31 replies

Lifegoalsneeded · 10/05/2022 22:48

I maybe a bit jaded or date differently. If I am into a guy I normally have a 3 date rule. If I like him and feel chemistry after date 3, date 4 is sleep over.

I normally date multiple people - but dont sleep with multiple people. I use dating apps a lot and do have a first date weekly. Some process to other dates, but mostly others are just one date. The ones who proceed to date 2 or 3 get a bit flirty through text and keen for a sleep over. The can be off putting.

I realised I hadn’t had a relationship for a while and was constantly dating. Getting jaded with guys who are too sexual over text. My friend pointed out that I never give people a chance as I always have a date lined up with someone else.

so I have changed my view. Met a guy I click with on date 1, so come off dating apps to see what could develop as I felt I always thought something better was out there. . So far some really nice thought out dates and he has been a gentleman. Lovely texts not overly flirty or any dirty texts. We spent 12 hours together on date 3 on a day out. He was attentive, but did snog me in the park - we are in our 40s so not a great look😂.

date 4 is this weekend and I am going to his for take away and will be nice to spend some chilled time. I suggested wine, thinking I could stay over, but he responded wont you be driving?

so are my expectations of guys that bad that I think it’s odd he hasn’t suggested a sleep over or sent any dirty flirty texts. I think he is interested as he keeps arranging things, but used to guys being creeps or overly flirty. Have a met a rare gentleman or is he on the fence about me?

OP posts:
Crazykefir · 10/05/2022 22:52

I don't think he's arrange to see you if he wasn't interested.

Wherearemymarbles · 10/05/2022 22:59

He’s probably worked out he cant win.
suggest a sleep over on date 3 and he’s a sex obsessed pervert
doesnt suggest it on date 4 and he’s not in to you.

maybe he has a six day rule!

Original poster
Lifegoalsneeded · 10/05/2022 23:03

@Crazykefir yeah he is good like that. Just not the greatest at flirting on text

@Wherearemymarbles I think am used to pervy guys. This is odd. It’s nice, but odd

OP posts:
worraliberty · 10/05/2022 23:04

He's probably dating multiple people like you were and maybe he has a 5 or 6 date rule?

Original poster
Lifegoalsneeded · 10/05/2022 23:12

@worraliberty maybe. He hasn’t been active in the apps thou.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lifegoalsneeded · 10/05/2022 23:12

Maybe I just have a low dating bar

OP posts:
TheVillageShop · 10/05/2022 23:37

I think your online dating experience has 'normalised' pervy behaviour so that you are now surprised when a man behaves perfectly normally, like he's a normal bloke who likes you and is treating you with respect while letting the relationship develop at its own pace.

Neverreturntoathread · 10/05/2022 23:44

I’m no expert on dating but it strikes me that you’re expecting all of these men (both the creeps and the gentleman) to know and follow your ‘date 4 = sex night’ rule.

If you’re looking for a long term relationship, then I would suggest:


  1. Stop dating for a while. It’s become a hobby in itself with its own rules, not a search for a connection.

  2. Get an actual hobby. One that gets you out in the fresh air and exercising and meeting peole that you don’t plan to date.

  3. When you start dating again, don’t make plans with one guy until you’ve stopped seeing all others. When you do meet up, focus on getting to know him as a person.

  4. Let go of this date 4 = sleepover stuff. Love doesn’t happen on a timetable.

mycatisannoying · 11/05/2022 00:05

He's a nice, respectful, normal bloke.
It sounds like you've lost sight of what this looks like.

Besttobe8001 · 11/05/2022 00:35

I actually think your message to him was quite manipulative. You asked about wine but what you meant was should you stay over? without giving him a fair chance to discuss it. Must have seemed like a trick question. Perhaps he isn't ready to have sex with you. Maybe he wants to have sex but not spend the night. You have denied him the chance to discuss it like an adult and you're inferring things from his answer about the wine.

DidYeEye · 11/05/2022 07:53

As above, I think you are operating in your own rules and may have forgotten about him. And I think that's easily done when you assume that men all have the same end game and its a race to it (which is informed by your recent dating history).

So maybe dial it back. Don't assume sex on this date but if you fancy the wine and the chilling then just say that to him and ask if you can either stay, or tell him you'll taxi home. If the sex comes naturally then hooray!

Original poster
Lifegoalsneeded · 11/05/2022 08:28

I think you are all correct. I am used to guys rushing in and think I may have met a gentleman. Or he is on the fence. Anyway I need to dictate it at their pace as it’s closer than mine.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lifegoalsneeded · 11/05/2022 08:29

It’s weird that online dating had moms normalised things going at a fast pace for me.

OP posts:
NashvilleQueen · 11/05/2022 08:30

I think he was testing the water. You said wine which he probably felt was code for you sleeping with him but didn't want to presume. So he asked about driving to see what your response was.

VintageGibbon · 11/05/2022 08:33

His question may have been a subtle way to work out whether you were thinking of staying over. And just because he's slower paced doesn't mean he isn't interested. Could be he just doesn't sleep around or prefers to really know someone first.

Trixiefirecracker · 11/05/2022 08:41

instead of being so cryptic, why don’t you ask him if you can stay over?

ohlookIhaveanewname · 11/05/2022 08:43

He sounds like a normal, nice man to me. His behaviour shouldn't be thought of as 'gentlemanly', just normal.

Assistanttotheregionalmanager · 11/05/2022 08:43

I think you sound really clinical in terms of your dating routines and expectations. I agree with your friend. Stop over thinking and feel the chemistry and just go with it.

Suprima · 11/05/2022 08:54

Oh christ don’t listen to your friend. Continue to multiple date until you find a person who you think is worthy of a relationship with you. This attitude, unless you meet someone you are GIDDY for and also has a lot of indisputable green flags, leads to women settling for basic Nigels because they believe they should have fidelity towards random tinder bloke. Often at their own detriment.

I also would query your own personal rule of date 4 being a sleepover. It’s too fast if you are wanting to court and date properly, seriously. It’s nothing to do with ‘giving it up’ too quickly or sex shaming- but sex changes the relationship and tone hugely. Once you start having sleepovers- you’ll often find that the dating stops, and you end up just slumming around each other’s flats. Netflix and takeaway. The romance ends. The settling begins. ‘date 4’ sleepovers clearly haven’t worked out so far for you if you want a relationship.

so yes- I would say your bar is low if you are inviting yourself round to his house for sex and takeaway for date 4. It shows you have basically given up and the wooing is over.

you haven’t told us anything about this bloke- but he might be a bit confused why you don’t want to go to the theatre or something and you want to sit on his sofa and drink an £8 bottle of wine?

Pinkdelight3 · 11/05/2022 08:56

Agree that you're being way too rigid about what should be an individual thing. Even saying he must be a 'gentleman' is trying to pigeonhole him, as if he's a template who then might follow other rules. That's not how normal people are and it feels like you've lost sight of that and got carried away with OLD as an end in itself. Just be interested in him for his own sake and see where it goes.

Useranon1 · 11/05/2022 08:59

Lifegoalsneeded · 10/05/2022 23:12

@worraliberty maybe. He hasn’t been active in the apps thou.

How do you know, if you came off them?

Also OP, hoping for sex on date 2 or 3, flirting via text etc, isn't 'pervy'. It's ok for people to have different rules and processes than you.

Rainbowqueeen · 11/05/2022 09:00

Another person who doesn’t get your date 4 rule. Each relationship should be different and proceed at its own pace.
And yes I definitely think he is interested in you !!
Ask yourself whether you really want to have sex with him now or are you just operating to your rules. Perhaps he is waiting until you have talked about exclusivity before heading to the bedroom. That might be his rule??!!

Downunderduchess · 11/05/2022 09:01

Maybe he just wants you to be able to drive home after you’ve had sex? Doesn’t want you staying over.

AchatAVendre · 11/05/2022 09:02

How do you have time to do all this dating? Is it your hobby?

Anyway, perhaps he has been wrong footed by your desire to drink wine at his and simply wants to clarify that you want to stay over? You're sort of leading this now so he maybe hasn't encountered someone quite so quick before and wants to be sure of your intentions and avoid being accused of making assumptions?

I think people who do a lot of OLD can be very quick in terms of how they want relationships to progress.

Hallyup89 · 11/05/2022 09:22

Nothing like getting to know someone before they're literally inside you! I suggest you look at your own ridiculous self-imposed rules and ask yourself why you need to rush things when you've found what seems like a perfectly normal man.

This scenario would be slaughtered if it were the other way around.