Cock lodging!

[mumieone]

It would be great to get other peoples stories on cock lodging as the last few years when I 'was' trying to online date or even in person I met man after man looking to cock lodge and in the end quit trying to date at all as it's such a turn off. What are you stories - let's hear and have a laugh.

Last bf lived an hour way. He had a succession of demands which rapidly led me to think using cocklodger.

1. He'd call and ask if he needed to eat before he came to visit (why can't he feed himself - I pulled him up on this). He'd sometimes say he bought one roast chicken and ate it all week in various meals - yet he was always out with a hectic social life.
2. Insist on sleeping at my place as much as he could. I'd give the sofa. Once my acceptance was tested he demanded he sleeps in my bed 'or else'. I refused because my kids shouldn't see mum having fly by night men in her bed. The odd sleepover consisted of going to bed late after the kids - him snoring all night - me telling him to leave at the crack of dawn before the kids noticed. Highly stressful.
3. Gave me an ultimatum. Either he stays over min 3 nights a week at mine or me his (he knew I wasn't able to leave kids alone) so the offer really was for him to cock lodge 3 nights a week. When I mentioned cock lodging he said he wouldn't be running up bills as i'd be cooking anyway and using same heating etc and water didn't cost much. I refused and told me he didn't love me a week later and it ended. BTW all former gf's were much more accommodating being 'British Ladies specifically' and would not only give him access but full reign of their homes, insist on paying for dates, spoil him rotten and go as far as calling in advance to ask what he wanted cooked and to drink and go and buy and prepare (basically treated him like a live in husband who was just not paying for anything). He said British gf's were amazing he could never have saved up his deposit to buy his house without one particular one he cock lodged (ermmm dated for a few years)..which he denied telling me later saying I made that story.

Another gent I met on a beach walk randomly chatting - discover we are both single and say about where we live. He quickly asked who I live with. Then he said he felt that in this day and age you HAVE TO live with someone while dating to know them properly. I though it nuts and told him it would be a bit unsafe to move in with a stranger. (He was renting with a lady 'apparently' .. I think cock lodging but seeking next donor). We had a coffee date after that meet (v brief). He said he'd thought about our living together chat and got into a heated debated about it. He text after saying we are not suited based on I don't want to live with a bf (i.e. saying that I won't accomodate him as obviously me and my kids wouldn't have been moving into his rented room'.

Dated family friend I know. After about 5 visits here ... he said 'you know I've never felt like this before it feels like home'. He said when he'd be at work and thought of going home this is where he pictured - my place. Oh he lived in room in a shared house that I was banned from ever going to because it was small and not tidy with boxes and he didn't want to be judged. But it was ok for him to visit, eat here and call it home (oh he never slept over or had sex btw - erectile dysfunction).

Another gent I dated - these are all a few years back now. Before I knew cock lodging was a thing and every mans goal. He'd come Friday spend a night. Then Friday, Saturday. Then without invitation FRiday, saturday, sunday.... I would basically do bed and breakfast and look after him like a King so of course if it wasn't for work he'd have stayed here rent free. Never invited to his as it was a room at his mums and he'd come here for peace. While I'd be his slave pandering to him he would be on his phone (chatting up his other gf in secret). He quickly said 'inside of 3 months' he was definately going to be married in the next year (and we were in December) and that I need to decide if that person he marries is me. I found out he was cheating and he got engaged march then married June to the other gf and had an extravagant ring bought for her and flew her to seychelles for their wedding and honeymoon from abroad. All the while he was cock lodging 3 nights a week saving pennies for his wedding to someone else.

Last few online dating attempts ended up in ZERO dates. Too many opening messages asking my job, do I own or rent and do my kids live with me - evaluating if I would be a suitable cock lodging target.

I would always say to boyfriends, no living together until we've been together at least 5 years, never had a cocklodger. Though I did once have a freeloader who bored of girlfriends after 6 months and moved on.

Wow-you’ve been unlucky!

Before I knew cock lodging was a thing and every mans goal.

I don’t think this is fair though-there are a lot of men out there that aren’t like this.

I think cocklodging maybe on the increase, with the cost of living going up and renting being hard in certain parts of the country due to demand pushing the price up. My ex husband was great and definitely not a sponger so not all men are awful. My first post-divorce ex-boyfriend was in loads of debt and pretended to be super-rich. He was pushing hard for us to buy a house together, but I refused. I found his business accounts and they made interesting reading, so I ran away...into the arms of a cocklodger who wanted food all the time, alcohol bought for him, a roof over his head for himself and his child, a babysitter for his child and when I got ill, he asked for a wage to look after me (I wasn't that ill). He wanted the best cars, watches and tech which all went on credit cards, but he had no capacity to pay and his parents were helping him at 48! He professed one day that he didn't care about his debts, because I could pay them off if we got married. So I ditched him as he seemed fixated on money and it was a great decision. I would never, ever live with a man again, nor marry one no matter what their circumstances or prospects. Too many assets to protect, and I would worry they were after me for money or a comfortable life. It is obvious from my professional background, house and general lifestyle that I maybe a higher earner with significant cash in the bank. I don't tell dates any of my business to start with, as attraction should be based on mutual interest, the physical side and not the financial numbers. However, as relationships progress it is more apparent. I like to leave my dates outside the family home. Too easy for them to get comfortable on my sofa, and forget that dating means going out and having nights out. My advice to you would be to get a babysitter or wait until your children are older so you have more freedom to date outside the home. My brother's mates tell me some men they work with hunt single women on dating apps as a 'cheap date' in their mind. No obligation to take them out for wine and dine nights out, when there are young children at home. It is an awful thing to hear but I guess it is better being single than being used.

I find some of these messages a bit weird. I spent at least a few nights a week at my DH’s from early in our relationship. If you’re attracted to someone, you generally want to spend time with them. Did that make me a vag-lodger?

Yours sounds normal...you didn't have an agenda. These men do have an agenda and leave when they realise they can not sponge off you.

I'm inclined to agree. The OP has kids and won't leave them alone to fanny lodge. So if she and her boyfriend are going to have any sort of sexual relationship beyond a fumble on the sofa after the News at Ten and before he goes home then he needs to cock lodge. (Or not have a proper sexual relationship. At which point he decide he's not 17 any more and packs it in!)

Oh you havent had it easy too. My kids (teens) but just never seen me in bed with anyone. I just don't feel comfortable unless I know it's definately definately going to lead somewhere permanent.

Your man sounds like a cricket gent who lives locally. He dated someone like you. He lost his job within two weeks of meeting her and sucked her dry for her divorce settlement. Got her to open a luxury car business with her money and promised he would do the website, marketing but never did a thing. She bought him clothes really scrubbed him up as he rented a room then and still does. She even bought her own engagement ring but her money was soon running out or so he thought so he dumped her. He has taken a few locals in Hampshire for a ride. Tried testing the water with me too after a couple of dates called me from work and asked if I could go to the shop near his house and pick up some booze deal. Luckily I didn't do it and remember he mentioned the name of his ex several times. Unusual name. I put both Thier names on Facebook and hers was an open profile with pictures of her warning all future gfs to beware of him. I contacted her and asked if the story was really true. She said yes...even kept and sold one of her BMWs. Turned out he was still driving it and I said her description sounded like the one he came to the date with. Soon after police arrived at his and claimed her property back. He send a mean message to me a couple of weeks later saying I hope I felt happy that he now no longer has transport.

Reading with intrigue

That was really difficult to read and decode. That was certainly written on a phone!

No it was on my computer. I wrote it the way I would tell it rather than I an article I would publish in a magazine.😚. Another 'True Life' story.

When we first got together DH spent much more time at mine since I lived alone and my flat was just nicer. I didn't want to hang out at his with his messy flatmates who always seemed to just be there all the time.

But he always paid for or brought groceries, paid for the majority of our meals and takeaways, and was generally helpful around the flat, cleaning up after himself, pitching in with dishes, and a bit of DYI. He never asked me to do his laundry or pay for things he wanted, although he'd ask me to pick up beer or something simple if I was going to the store. He'd do the same for me. I wouldn't consider him a cocklodger just because he spent more time at my place than I did at his. We were both comfortable with him being there and I didn't feel 'cocklodged'.

I did make it clear to him that there would be no 'actual' living together until I had an engagement ring on my finger and a wedding date set. He moved in 3 months before we married.

I think you have to judge each man separately based on what works for you. If he's there 5 nights a week but you feel cherished by what he says and does and he contributes in some way, then fine. If he's there 1 night a week but you feel he's taking advantage, that's valid too.

discover we are both single and say about where we live. He quickly asked who I live with. Then he said he felt that in this day and age you HAVE TO live with someone while dating to know them properly. I though it nuts and told him it would be a bit unsafe to move in with a stranger. (He was renting with a lady 'apparently'

OMG! This is definitely a thing with some men.

I used to rent a room in my house to a lodger because I only stayed there while working. Every single time I advertised it, I would get one or 2 wannabee cocklodgers. The strange thing was that most of them were good looking, seemingly well adjusted men in their late twenties/early thirties who were at least claiming to have good jobs.

Anyway, the story would nearly always go: "Normal enquiry, I make basic security checks, invite them round to view the room/house. Everything going normally. Then at the end of the visit, they would suddenly announce they had to find somewhere to move in that weekend or by Friday or similar because their wife/girlfriend/partner was "throwing them out".

This happened 5 or 6 times. And of course I didn't entertain someone wanting to move in that quickly but would simply message them back to say I needed references and if they checked out, a deposit of a months' rent in advance. The moment you asked them for those, they would either disappear or lose interest.

It was really a bit disturbing! I don't know whether to be flattered that I obviously passed some kind of speed dating test to move in with from their current housing provider or not flattered because they thought I'd be gullible enough to let a stranger move into my house without any deposit or references.

One in particular was most pleasing - he seemed to check out so I just asked him for the deposit and I could proceed quickly with getting the tenancy agreement drawn up. Silence. So I messaged again and got a reply that he was struggling to get together the money and references, but a friend could give him a reference and he could pay the deposit later "if we really needed it".

I blocked him.

You sure know how to pick em OP!

I've been on mumsnet for 20 years now and am genuinely baffled at the obsession of the women here with living with men.

Years ago, people used to live together as a kind of "trial marriage". To see if you were compatible or not. Nowadays, it all seems to be financially motivated, on both sides I might add, - I guess it's hard running a house on one income.

Agree with you Denholm, why the desperation to live together? Almost every day there's a thread about a lazy DP, who smokes weed/plays Xbox all day/won't get a job/won't help out with the housework and the OP is stressing over how to get rid of him. I always want to yell,,, 'Well if you didn't let him move in so soon then you wouldn't have this problem'. But I say it more politely.

Exercise I feel ya. I think you might still be putting up with too much though. I Mean that beach guy that talked about having to live with someone you are dating to get to know them- and then, you went on a date with him! I mean, coming op, he was clearly a nutter.

And the first guy, you tolerated for too long too.

There are definitely a lot of them around but i think they have a sixth sense for ppl who will give them the benefit of the doubt for far longer than they should. The first time they take the piss should be the last time. Sometines easier said than done of course I know!

*Eeeh...I feel ya.

@Janesmom

Exactly. When a relationship develops it’s pretty common to spend more and more time at someone’s. As for asking if you should eat before coming over? - isn’t that just practical, it’s just like asking if your having dinner together except in a very casual setting of a nothing special dinner. Nobody would think anything of this if it were a woman doing it (and irl no one thinks anything of a man doing it).

Yeah if he’s asking for endless money for bills or whatever that’s another thing, but are some women on here so disgusted by the idea of a man using anything belonging to them without financial compensation they see everything as cocklodging? Even though if it were the reverse the man would be at best tight, but more likely “Financially abusive”.

I’ve not encountered a full blown cock lodger. I have, however, noticed that more & more men I meet in their late 40s/early 50s live in a not dissimilar way to a student. Last bloke would turn up at my clean, comfy home, complete with central heating & hot water out the taps, me cooking decent food, clean bedding etc. I’d go his freezing place, no heating or even hot water apart from the electric shower, pretty manky & uncomfortable. Then he’d complain about his cold place & shitty meals & say at least he had my place. Mate, you have more money than me. If you weren’t so bloody odd/tight/lazy/incompetent, you too could have heating and home cooked meals. I never had such hopeless boyfriends pre 40. It’s shocking.

Above man also stayed for 5 consecutive nights on one occasion and did not offer to pay when we had to replenish groceries. Needless to say, that was the end!!

Me too. I've never heard of cocklodging before and only just found out what negging is (being rude to someone) and ghosting (ignoring someone).

What about the women who end up marrying these men?

A friend of mine met an unemployed bloke living in a bedsit in his late forties who she moved in with her within weeks. He found a job but jacked it in because he didn't like it just before she took him on holiday abroad, of course paid for by her. He then downgraded to a minimum wage job because he didn't want the 'stress' and she pays for everything bar their food, which is handy as he lives in the pub and smokes.

They are now married although I did try to warn her about protecting her house and pension. Her dad gave him a car as he didn't have one. Everytime I see him he makes the 'I was in the gutter before I met 'friend' speech. Completely full of himself. She is losing old friends at a rate of knots. Gives me the total shivers when I think about it.

Dacquoise What about the women who end up marrying these men?

The zenith of cocklodgers:

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-north-east-orkney-shetland-13989956

I hope he's not one of those although I did nearly choke on my tea when my friend announced they were going to solicitors to draw up their wills. Let me see........her half is going to....., her other half is going to HIM!🤔

Years ago I went on a couple of dates with a strange bloke. His idea was to move in with me and as I was already paying a mortgage and bills he would not have to contribute and he could then pay his debts off. Some men think women as so desperate to be with someone this is acceptable.

I've been very clear. I'm never living with a man again.

@ Dacquoise I feel so sorry for your friend.

Women fall in love with their 'ears' so a sweet talker. Friend met a guy online whose story was.... He was he had a good career in Asia in a top notch job and moved back recently to the UK. He was living with his mum while he decided which area he wanted to buy in has he had 'cash ready' - as you would from a top notch career.

I felt it was a load of BS for one reason or other. Friend was convinced it was true and mentioned my disbelief to him. Soon after he took my friend with him to view properties to convince her that he really was buying and not a mummies boy living at home because he was broke.

The house viewings consisted of them driving round some properties with for sale boards up and looking from the street while asking my friend her opinion (hahahaha).
No one views properties like that. Not even an appointment.

In the meantime of course the relationship involved him visiting her. She not allowing to go to his as he lived with his mother 'insert WIFE/girlfriend'. It didn't last long he got what he wanted and buggered off.

I felt it was pretty creative of him to pull that BS move on her but also wondered what type of women would actually believe such nonsense.