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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What do you even say?

36 replies

SadAndConfused1 · 10/05/2022 15:01

A light came on around 18 months ago and I realised my husband's behaviour wasn't ok. He's very controlling and emotionally abusive, but I didn't want to admit to myself that it wasn't ok, until one day, I just realised it wasn't.

I started making plans to leave last year, but his Mum died very suddenly, so I shelved my plans and I've supported him the best way I can in the 9 months since she died. I'm now at the point where I need to leave, but how?

I know he'll be crushed, we've been together over 20 years and he's still not over his grief, but I can't do this anymore. What do I even say to him? I did try and bring it up a few months ago but he was so broken that I couldn't do it.

OP posts:
MummaLeonax · 10/05/2022 15:05

Have you rang any telephone lines for professional advice? x

NicholJO · 10/05/2022 15:10

I'm sorry for your husband's loss but you need to leave asap when you do leave let him feel crushed it's better him feeling that way then then him mentally and emotionally abusing you he's not feeling very unhappy when he's emotionally abusing you I talk from experience I was with a man for 17 years that was emotionally/ mentally and physically abusing me I left him and took our 5 children it was hard but it's so worth it good luck

Original poster
SadAndConfused1 · 10/05/2022 15:40

MummaLeonax · 10/05/2022 15:05

Have you rang any telephone lines for professional advice? x

No, he checks my phone bills to see who I've called so I can't.

OP posts:
Original poster
SadAndConfused1 · 10/05/2022 15:41

NicholJO · 10/05/2022 15:10

I'm sorry for your husband's loss but you need to leave asap when you do leave let him feel crushed it's better him feeling that way then then him mentally and emotionally abusing you he's not feeling very unhappy when he's emotionally abusing you I talk from experience I was with a man for 17 years that was emotionally/ mentally and physically abusing me I left him and took our 5 children it was hard but it's so worth it good luck

Thanks, I know I need to go, it's just so hard to do something you know will hurt them when you know they're already hurting so much.

OP posts:
Summerholidayorcovidagain · 10/05/2022 15:42

I made plans to leave my abusive ex... Bad luck made the day I left the day his sick dgf died.

Still went though.

Djchickpea · 10/05/2022 15:43

There will never be a "right" time. There will always be something else going on. Don't let your life go by waiting.

Thiswayorthatway · 10/05/2022 15:47

Can you borrow a friend’s phone to call a helpline?

starfishmummy · 10/05/2022 15:50

Just make your plans and go. You don't need to discuss it with him beforehand.

IsThePopeCatholic · 10/05/2022 15:50

You need to start putting your own needs first, op. Leave now.

Original poster
SadAndConfused1 · 10/05/2022 16:04

starfishmummy · 10/05/2022 15:50

Just make your plans and go. You don't need to discuss it with him beforehand.

How do I go though? He never leaves the house so it's not like I can just leave while he's out. I also WFH so I can't just go to work and not come home.

It's the logistics of it all that's driving me mad, I can't seem to put together a plan of what I'll say.

OP posts:
Original poster
SadAndConfused1 · 10/05/2022 16:06

Thiswayorthatway · 10/05/2022 15:47

Can you borrow a friend’s phone to call a helpline?

I've not seen my friends for nearly 2 years because he made it too difficult.

Maybe I'll just call a helpline anyway. That'll give me a push to leave before he sees the bill.

OP posts:
Fairislefandango · 10/05/2022 16:10

Why do/did you feel you had to support him through his bereavement when he has treated you so badly? He hasn't supported you, he has abused you. He doesn't deserve your support, however bad he is feeling. Good idea to call the Helpline anyway. Making a small move will help you resolve not to bottle it.

D0lphine · 10/05/2022 16:11

You can live chat with womens aid: chat.womensaid.org.uk/

D0lphine · 10/05/2022 16:12

Please seek help- checking someone's calls isn't normal or acceptable. Please take steps to keep yourself safe.

SunsetGun · 10/05/2022 16:13

Are you leaving or are you asking him to leave?

I know it’s very difficult to find the words, and I felt very guilty when I finally summoned the courage to tell my abusive ex-H that it was over. I just knew that if I didn’t, another year would go by and nothing would ever change for me. But I still felt guilty because I had really loved him, and in some ways always would. Also I knew how even for all his aggressive and narcissistic behaviours, he was really broken and vulnerable and so I felt sorry for him too.

in the end I said something like, ‘no one is happy here. You’re not happy, I’m not happy, it’s time for you to go.’ And when he tried to ‘forgive’ me and say that he would stay if I’d apologise to him, I kept saying, ‘no one is happy, we’ve tried for years and now it’s time for you to go.’

It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do and for weeks afterwards it felt like a death. I’ve never regretted it though.

layladomino · 10/05/2022 16:19

Why do you care about the feelings of someone who doesn't care about yours? You don't owe him any kindness. If he's still feeling the loss of his mum that is sad for him, but it doesn't change that he's been vile to you. If he wanted a supportive, loving wife then he should have neen a supportive, loving husband.

I suggest talking to Women's Aid as recommended, and see a solicitor so you're prepared. Do you have any old friends or family or work colleagues you could confide in so you have some real life support when you're ready to leave?

Original poster
SadAndConfused1 · 10/05/2022 16:19

SunsetGun · 10/05/2022 16:13

Are you leaving or are you asking him to leave?

I know it’s very difficult to find the words, and I felt very guilty when I finally summoned the courage to tell my abusive ex-H that it was over. I just knew that if I didn’t, another year would go by and nothing would ever change for me. But I still felt guilty because I had really loved him, and in some ways always would. Also I knew how even for all his aggressive and narcissistic behaviours, he was really broken and vulnerable and so I felt sorry for him too.

in the end I said something like, ‘no one is happy here. You’re not happy, I’m not happy, it’s time for you to go.’ And when he tried to ‘forgive’ me and say that he would stay if I’d apologise to him, I kept saying, ‘no one is happy, we’ve tried for years and now it’s time for you to go.’

It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do and for weeks afterwards it felt like a death. I’ve never regretted it though.

I'll be leaving and going to stay with my parents, I've already asked them without telling them exactly why. So that's easier than trying to make him leave.

Those words are really helpful and so true. Neither of us are happy.

OP posts:
Original poster
SadAndConfused1 · 10/05/2022 16:24

D0lphine · 10/05/2022 16:11

You can live chat with womens aid: chat.womensaid.org.uk/

Thanks, I'm on with them now x

OP posts:
Inthesameboatatmo · 10/05/2022 16:29

Well done op.. it's not easy but you can do it. I know from experience its hard but stick with it and you will be much better for it.

AnotherLongDay · 10/05/2022 16:30

You’re very kind to have such empathy for him but there comes a time when you just have to save yourself. It’s been 9 months…
try to stop mulling it over and worrying about him, and detach from him. Tell yourself not to worry about him anymore

MzHz · 10/05/2022 16:32

Oh I’m so pleased you’re on chat with WA already! That’s so encouraging

yes you’re best just getting yourself and dc over to you parents and then talk about it.

so he’s broken, but STILL monitoring your every move… run love, run

Original poster
SadAndConfused1 · 10/05/2022 16:36

Thanks everyone. It really helps to know I'm not being a massive bitch for abandoning him in his hour of need.

Thank God he didn't want kids. This is complicated enough with just me.

OP posts:
D0lphine · 10/05/2022 17:06

Well done OP, were womens aid helpful?

FinallyHere · 10/05/2022 17:42

No, he checks my phone bills to see who I've called so I can't.

Wow.

Does it help at all to know that I, and I assume many others, will be gobsmacked to know that, in your mind, his need for comfort following his bereavement, appears to entirely trump your need to live your life as an autonomous adult without being subjected to this level of control.

I'm glad you are talking to womens aid, they really are the right people to advise.

You have a place to go and no children to consider.

Would he stop you just walking out ?

Could your parents come and collect you, in a taxi if they don't have their own transport?

So long as you have a safe place to go, pretty much everything such as passports etc can be replaced.

I sincerely hope that you very quickly get clear how far from acceptable his behaviour towards you has been. How far you are from abandoning him in his 'hour of need'.

If you possibly can safely, do please update when you are safely away. Such inspiration for others in a similar situation.

You deserve so much more in your life. Good luck, All the very best.

MzHz · 10/05/2022 17:46

You don’t have kids! Sorry I missed that

thank GOD!

please love just pack and go. What are the legal ramifications? You rent or own?

what did WA say?